To Stay or not to stay- (Long)

[Islandgrl98]

To Stay or not to stay-

I have been married for almost 9yrs now with two boys 3 and 8. I am at a point where I just want out but I don't know if it is right to make that decision because I think it would make me happy.
My husband can be great one minute, and the devil next (verbally abusive, threatens). He takes care of us and is a good dad. We have both done things in the past to hurt each other but while I am willing and have forgiven him, he has been torturing me with my one and only mistake because he cant let it go. I have been unhappy for a long time but stayed because I'd think things would get better, we have a house and kids together.
Now I told him I am going to leave, and I meant it, but I can't stand to bear the fact that my kids love him soo much and vice versa, also he would not be able to pay the mortgage alone. I plan to move 3hrs away because all my family lives in another state and it would be better to have the support.
Please tell me if I am being selfish and if not, would my kids be ok, eventually?.

 

[Glitter]

Taking care of yourself and your children is NOT selfish. If he was really concerned about paying the mortgage, the kids and the marriage, he would have thought twice about the names that he calls you. Since he did not, you should not.

You and your kids deserve better. My piece of advice to you now is to start thinking about your future plans and what you want your life to look like. Raising 2 kids on your own will be difficult, but you can do it.

 

[Islandgrl98]

thanks Ivy, I actually get excited thinking about being on my own sometimes and I know it would be hard. I have been so depressed to death trying to make it work. I am just worried about my kids asking and missing him.

 

[WomanlyCharm]

thanks Ivy, I actually get excited thinking about being on my own sometimes and I know it would be hard. I have been so depressed to death trying to make it work. I am just worried about my kids asking and missing him.

Would you rather have your children feeling the tension and anger in the house? Watching you two argue and fight? Knowing you are miserable being there?

Do what needs to be done to keep you and your kids happy and safe.

They'll be alright.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I agree with the other posters.

I know it will be hard, but peace of mind is what your sons need in a mother. Once you and your husband split and get through that rough, rocky patch...perhaps the both of you can become happier people and your sons will see that. So in the end it could be a well needed positive change.

((hugs)) and good luck

 

[SpiritJunkie]

cyber hugs sister!

Kids are very intune with what is going on in adult life more than we give them credit for.

Maybe you can do a trial seperation and see how things work out from there. family counseling..marriage counsellor?

 

[nychaelasymone]

never married nor do I have children....just a suggestion for what it's worth....

Do you think your marriage could benefit from therapy or counseling?

but to answer your question, it's never selfish to take care of your children. God blessed you with them and its your duty to protect them at all costs...even when they don't understand.

 

[Islandgrl98]

Actually, we have tried the counseling and my husband thought it was a waste of time. He even went out and bought a bunch of self help books, one day after he realized I was getting closer to quitting on him, but of course they are collecting dust. I have given him many opportunities to get help and I think that he needs time alone to figure out what he wants.
I have been going to therapy for myself and both my therapist and the psychiatrist told me I need to think about taking myself out of this situation because it has been affecting me badly. I feel like I have no control over my life because I am always worried about him getting upset. My friend thinks he might be bipolar. He cooks, clean and washes the clothes on one hand and the next he is calling me a b*#ch and taking my car keys because I didnt put the clothes away when he wanted it done.

 

[drasgrl]

You deserve to be happy and not be abused. Don't stay for the kids if that's holding you back. I know from experience. My mother stayed too long because of me. I'd rather have not been in that environment with constant fighting. I was actually happy when my parents got divorced.

 

[doublejo]

Verbal abuse and threats (if they threaten physical harm ) are deal breakers.

 

[blkbeauty]

Actually, we have tried the counseling and my husband thought it was a waste of time. He even went out and bought a bunch of self help books, one day after he realized I was getting closer to quitting on him, but of course they are collecting dust. I have given him many opportunities to get help and I think that he needs time alone to figure out what he wants.
I have been going to therapy for myself and both my therapist and the psychiatrist told me I need to think about taking myself out of this situation because it has been affecting me badly. I feel like I have no control over my life because I am always worried about him getting upset. My friend thinks he might be bipolar. He cooks, clean and washes the clothes on one hand and the next he is calling me a b*#ch and taking my car keys because I didnt put the clothes away when he wanted it done.

He will not change. Been in the same type of relationship that lasted 10 years. He would call my job and call me out of my name when I left old food in the fridge or the dishes were not spotless etc.

I left him in 2007 and life is great! I pondered leaving this man for years, but did not want to because I thought about him than myself. But life is so great not to feel that I am always tip-toeing or walking on glass when I was with him. Remember a relationship is suppose to be something comfortable, if you do not feel at ease then how can you flourish?!!

 

[new-life]

He will not change. Been in the same type of relationship that lasted 10 years. He would call my job and call me out of my name when I left old food in the fridge or the dishes were not spotless etc.

I left him in 2007 and life is great! I pondered leaving this man for years, but did not want to because I thought about him than myself. But life is so great not to feel that I am always tip-toeing or walking on glass when I was with him. Remember a relationship is suppose to be something comfortable, if you do not feel at ease then how can you flourish?!!

Great advice

 

[sunnydaze]

He will not change. Been in the same type of relationship that lasted 10 years. He would call my job and call me out of my name when I left old food in the fridge or the dishes were not spotless etc.

I left him in 2007 and life is great! I pondered leaving this man for years, but did not want to because I thought about him than myself. But life is so great not to feel that I am always tip-toeing or walking on glass when I was with him. Remember a relationship is suppose to be something comfortable, if you do not feel at ease then how can you flourish?!!

Yup..I left during my supposed newlywed period (The end of year one) after knowing this man for 7 years at that point..he went loco right after we got married (quit his job w/o consulting me to start a business, got depressed when money got low, got angry, got crazy, got abusive). We tried counseling during the time I was separated..but if I am honest with myself, after going through that year of hell, I didn't want it to work out..I was just doing it b/c I had just had a baby and wanted to make a last ditch effort for her sake.

While he to this day is still struggling to get on his feet, I am flourishing praise God. I am happy and our daughter senses it (he knows it to). We get along pretty well, but he knows, that I am never turning back.

You have to ask yourself, what kind of life do you want for, yes your kids..but for YOU as well. YOU are important, YOU deserve joy, peace, love. I remember reading somewhere that the best thing you can do for your child..is to be happy yourself. I live by those words.

Hugs and I hope you find peace and serenity.

 

[dlovely]

I know someone like that.. it's sad though when you think about how a man is suppose to treat his ' queen' with respect! Would he want his daughter to be mistreated and disrespected?? I donot think so.. He does need help and the only person who can help him see the light is himself. Some men have a way of not dealing with their own problems and believe that medication, and counseling is not for them--on the contrary one should examine themselves to see why they arenot happy and why they are constant bullying their wives (saw an episode on Dr.Phill). I hope you find your peace and if you do have family who live nearby-- why not go away for -- 1- 3 weeks? Who knows-without the kids and you around--- he might see what he is missing. That's my 2 cents...

 

[Islandgrl98]

Thank you so much ladies. I needed to hear that and I do feel like I walking on eggshells all the time. He thinks that I am not going anywhere and is trying to be nice to me, but I am just silently plotting my escape.
I got married to him because I didnt want my son to grow up with a single mom and now it is coming full circle and I have to make a decision to be a single mom with two boys.