Stay or leave??

[bellebebe]

I've never been in your shoes but from an outsider's point of you, I would say keep him. Time is the best medicine... I know it hurts like hell but pray God to help you go through this.

 

[Mija]

You should save yourself and your spirit- Leave him. Life is too short to be disrespected, hurt, and miserable.

 

[betteron2day]

I am keeping you in my prayers.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I really don't have much to say, because JFemme said it all right there! I wish you hugs, love, much success, and a big ole bright as heck future. You deserve it!

You can do it,

Every step forward is a step toward your freedom, improved self-esteem/respect and building a new foundation for your future...

You have got to believe that you deserve better...

Claim it...

 

[sunnydaze]

I cannot tell you what to do...just do what will give you peace.

 

[locabouthair]

First warning: he stays by his momma house saying I am driving him away. I call him - his phone is off. When I see him he is constantly on the phone.

Not sure why he told me. I think he wants me to accept and move on, but i can't not this time (he has cheated before). But It's just not possible for me ... we have 2 kids ..... I feel I have wasted too much time with him.

First of all.

(((((HUGS)))) I know this is hard.

I don't like teliing married women what to do with their husbands because I've never been married before but since you asked for opinions, here goes:

LEAVE!!!!!!!!

To the bolded, he cheated before. IMO, most of the time people who cheat do not do stop.

He has two kids outside of your marriage, meaning he was probably having unprotected sex with other women, which increases the possibility that he could have brought home a disease to you. If that's not enough reason to leave then I dont know what it is. Married women are not immune to HIV.

yes you have two kids, but I wouldnt want my kids to see Mommy keep taking Daddy back and Daddy doesnt change. Then my kids grow up thinking that behavior is ok in relationships.

Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure the first time he cheated he promised he wouldnt do it again and he was sorry. But he has cheated again with a woman for YEARS. ( Correct me if i'm wrong but I think thats what you said)

Forgive me if I'm harsh, but I feel very strongly about this. I just dont see the point of working it out. His actions arent showing that he can be trusted.

 

[starfish]

I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this.

Look at his actions and words: (this is what you wrote)
1. He has lied so much
2. he stays by his momma house saying I am driving him away
3. I call him - his phone is off.
4. When I see him he is constantly on the phone.
5. there is a house involved and he says that I should leave
6. first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house.

It takes two people to be in a marriage, and when the going gets rough, it takes two to save it.

Nothing in his actions or words above says that he is interested in being married or having an emotionally intimate relationship. (Especially kicking his wife and two children out of the house!)

God, counseling and good legal advice is important, but taking care of YOU is even more important. I hope you have a shoulder to cry on and kind ears that will listen when you need to "think out loud". You can always do that here with all of us!

 

[itismehmmkay]

You know, I keep hearing of these situations, especially around that time frame and I wonder just what I would do: if I would leave, or if I would stay for the sake of the marraige and possibly just cheat myself?

If you were just dating, I would say leave, but with you being a married woman, I understand how you feel more thought is needed. I say, take this time as a separation and work on you and the kids only. From there, the decision on whether to get a full divorce will come.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

I like what Starfish had to say. I don't like messing with married peoples business though. it's more than you just leaving. financial, children, etc etc.

I want to say leave due to the pattern and hopefully the time away would give you a chance to think about if you want to work it out and for him to think about who he really wants to be with.

i pray for things to get better for you.

 

[TLC1020]

OMG, I don't know what I would do It is definitely hard to be the strong one but this too shall pass and in the words of Donnie McClurken "We Fall Down but We Get Up" Keep praying to GOD to see you through this.

 

[LunadeMiel]

First: (((((Hugs))))

Now---- Leave that cheating.... %%^&S***
I have seen this play out too many times in my own family to even consider telling you that you should stay.

2.My mother and father divorced because of his cheating ways. He cheated on her their entire marriage and always promised to stopped. Up until their divorce, he was still cheating on her (with our next door neighbor). My father once got a woman pregnant and had the nerve to ask my mother for money so that the woman could have an abortion. Trust me, he will not change and will continue to disrespect, you, your children, your marriage, and GOD.

2. My uncle has been married twice. With the first woman he constantly cheated and has 3 children outside of his marriage. He is now married again and has 3 more children outside of his marriage. He and his second twice first separated and then decided to get back together. Guess what he is doing now?? Cheating on her again.

Sweety, you deserve so much better for yourself and your children. For a long time I resented and had no respect for my mother because she stayed with my father for so long. It took me a long time to forgive her. I felt like she didn't love me enough to leave my cheating father (I'm sure she stayed because of me). I can guarantee you that staying for you children is not going to make them any happier. Your children will see how you are hurting and it will affect them. Please be strong, seek guidance and know that God loves you and will not allow you to suffer.

 

[Champagne]

Thank you so much for the kind words ... I had a church sister over today to pray with me. I got so depressed later that I wanted to cry but i can't because of the kids. My daughter especially because she just keeps staring at me - I can't break down in front of her.

It's really a tough decision but I more leaning towards leaving him, I have not said anything though because I have a appointment on Tuesday with my lawyer. So I don't want to do anything to tip him off.

The toughest thing as some of you have said is to forgive - I am just not in that place right now to forgive. I just can't!!! This is someone that has betrayed my trust in more ways than one for so many years. I think about the AIDS factor and that gives me the chill. What if??

He askes me why I am behaving like this and he thought we would grow old together - ??????? How should I behave? Just I forgive him just because he chose to tell me?

Maybe in time I will forgive, but relationshipwise it's dead!

Thanks for all your prayers!!

 

[Laginappe]

I'm so so sorry you are dealing with this.

Look at his actions and words: (this is what you wrote)
1. He has lied so much
2. he stays by his momma house saying I am driving him away
3. I call him - his phone is off.
4. When I see him he is constantly on the phone.
5. there is a house involved and he says that I should leave
6. first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house.

It takes two people to be in a marriage, and when the going gets rough, it takes two to save it.

Nothing in his actions or words above says that he is interested in being married or having an emotionally intimate relationship. (Especially kicking his wife and two children out of the house!)

God, counseling and good legal advice is important, but taking care of YOU is even more important. I hope you have a shoulder to cry on and kind ears that will listen when you need to "think out loud". You can always do that here with all of us!

I completely agree with everything stated above. It is not enough for him to just say he wants to stay married to you – nothing in his actions tells you that he’s doing anything different.

He told you about all of this because something was about to go down with the other woman, the other kids, his family. Someone said something that caused a threat to his façade and he came forward before someone else blew him out of the water.

He’s looking out for himself above all others – you, your children with him, his children with her, and her.

Time to have your own back.

No matter if you stay or go make SURE you treat this situation as if you’re dealing with a stranger.

Talk to a lawyer about your asset protection. And especially child support. Many women in your shoes have been shocked to find out that the amount of support for the children of the marriage was diminished because the other woman filed for support first. In a lot of states, whichever mother files first, gets more. Fair? Probably not – but it is what it is.

There is no question about staying or leaving. He already left and you just didn’t know it. Treat the situation from that standpoint. If his intentions are truly to work on and heal the marriage then he’ll act accordingly. It’s not your sole responsibility to fix this.

Get to the lawyer’s office NOW.

ETA: I've seen more than a few couples deal with infidelity. Without fail, the couples who were able to survive/recover from it were ones where the betrayed spouse stepped back and went and handled business up to and including filing for divorce. There is a significant messgae delivered to a cheater when they see the spouse they've dismissed as weak and irrelevant suddenly take control of the situation.

 

[Champagne]

First: (((((Hugs))))

Now---- Leave that cheating.... %%^&S***
I have seen this play out too many times in my own family to even consider telling you that you should stay.

2.My mother and father divorced because of his cheating ways. He cheated on her their entire marriage and always promised to stopped. Up until their divorce, he was still cheating on her (with our next door neighbor). My father once got a woman pregnant and had the nerve to ask my mother for money so that the woman could have an abortion. Trust me, he will not change and will continue to disrespect, you, your children, your marriage, and GOD.

2. My uncle has been married twice. With the first woman he constantly cheated and has 3 children outside of his marriage. He is now married again and has 3 more children outside of his marriage. He and his second twice first separated and then decided to get back together. Guess what he is doing now?? Cheating on her again.

Sweety, you deserve so much better for yourself and your children. For a long time I resented and had no respect for my mother because she stayed with my father for so long. It took me a long time to forgive her. I felt like she didn't love me enough to leave my cheating father (I'm sure she stayed because of me). I can guarantee you that staying for you children is not going to make them any happier. Your children will see how you are hurting and it will affect them. Please be strong, seek guidance and know that God loves you and will not allow you to suffer.

This is what I am afraid of, especially my daughter. Will she grow up thinking that this is how a relationship is suppose to be or will she hate me for not leaving.

 

[caltron]

(((Champagne))) You sound very unhappy in this relationship. Things will only get worse from here. I know you have the strength to follow through and leave. It may be hard for the time being, but your life will be SO much happier when that loser is out of your life. The sooner you can get out of there, the better. Don't let that loser husband of yours talk you out of it.

 

[drasgrl]

He askes me why I am behaving like this and he thought we would grow old together - ??????? How should I behave? Just I forgive him just because he chose to tell me?

Maybe in time I will forgive, but relationshipwise it's dead!

Thanks for all your prayers!!

That would make me ever more How dare he! He is the one who f*d up. How dare he try to put the blame on you. You did nothing wrong. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you.

I agree with the poster who said don't stay for the kids. I am living proof. My mother stayed 5 years longer because of me. I would have rather them divorced sooner than for me to be exposed to all their fighting. I was actually happy when they divorced. I thought things would be better ( it wasn't for a while but that's another story) You don't want to subject your children to this.

 

[sky_blu]

Now Im usually one for trying to work it out but that would make me walk away completely. Someone on the side and 2 not 1 but 2 kids! Uh uh Walk away no run away!

 

[MissJ]

Leave him and take everything you can, including his happiness, because when you're gone he'll see that the worst decision he made in his life was to cheat on you and break up his family, although he still has a ready-made family on the side with just as many kids. He'll never change. Give yourself some peace of mind.