To single/childless ladies from a married chick

[Ladybelle]

I'll try to keep this short & sweet.


Me & Dh were talking today, we love each other. Love being married, love the kiddos- BUT,

sometimes we think we should have enjoyed

-married life without kids for a little longer
-single life to the fullest

So, just enjoy your life right now where you're at. When you get married, it's so different & add kids to the mix- it's much different. It's nice, but being single is nice & just being married without kids is nice. Just enjoy whichever nice you have without regret and be happy!

that's all.

 

[JayAnn0513]

This is true. We love our daughter to pieces, but it would have been nice to be just the 2 of us a little bit longer. The moral is enjoy every stage of life to the fullest!!!

 

[Almaz]

Yeah my DH and I often say this but now that everyone is grown and leaving it is

PARTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY second honeymoon and love in the afternoon. We are getting so reaquainted again but the op is right enjoy your life as you are in it.

Children change everything

 

[Ladybelle]

This is true. We love our daughter to pieces, but it would have been nice to be just the 2 of us a little bit longer. The moral is enjoy every stage of life to the fullest!!!

exactly!

Yeah my DH and I often say this but now that everyone is grown and leaving it is

PARTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY second honeymoon and love in the afternoon. We are getting so reaquainted again but the op is right enjoy your life as you are in it.

Children change everything

so, no empty nest syndrome? I do find myself wondering if I will be sad when my children leave the house. Even now, when they are gone for the weekend- I miss 'em.

 

[Almaz]

Girl Empty nest Syndrome is my middle name. I sometimes just cry like a pregnant woman with jacked up Hormones sometimes. My DH I see him sometimes looking at the baby pictures and sheding a few tears himself. Sometimes we even cry together. Believe me DH is a tough old buzzard and he never cries sometimes it gets to him too. You knew this day was always going to come and you THINK that you are prepared for it. But when it comes sometimes it does get to you. We will probably be moving back home when everything is said and done. Or maybe Paris where his familiy lives and that is closer to Africa and Israel than here. We don't know we are working on a 3 year plan.

But yeah sometimes it hits you like a **** and then some days you are like YEAHHHHHHH THEY GONE HEYYYYYYY lets play patty cake

NEKIIIINDDDD yeah. We are dating more now

exactly!



so, no empty nest syndrome? I do find myself wondering if I will be sad when my children leave the house. Even now, when they are gone for the weekend- I miss 'em.

 

[kbragg]

Yes PLEASE wait on the kids Your body and your sex life will thank you TRUST me Look at your momma nekkid cuz that's what them buzzards will do to you. I didn't think it would happen to me, it did Spontaneous coloring will be a thing of the past and you will definitely be interrupted often. But they're a joy up to age 3 Then the cuteness wears off and the countdown to 18 begins

 

[southernchocolate]

Yes PLEASE wait on the kids Your body and your sex life will thank you TRUST me Look at your momma nekkid cuz that's what them buzzards will do to you. I didn't think it would happen to me, it did Spontaneous coloring will be a thing of the past and you will definitely be interrupted often. But they're a joy up to age 3 Then the cuteness wears off and the countdown to 18 begins

To the bold, I'm 28 and my sister is 27 and our mother STILL blames us for her big hanging belly. I don't want that. I don't want to be cut on(c-section) and I don't want a hangy belly. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Almaz]

That may not happen to you. You may give birth naturally and STILL have a hanging belly. Its worth it though.

There are a few women on here that proved that you can have a flat belly after birth C or natural

To the bold, I'm 28 and my sister is 27 and our mother STILL blames us for her big hanging belly. I don't want that. I don't want to be cut on(c-section) and I don't want a hangy belly. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[laCriolla]

you're right. My mother was trying to say something similar.

it's just hard to enjoy being single when there are so many "black women are eternally single" messages out there. If there were some kind of agreement that I'd marry x guy in 4 years I'd be happy and could live it up! but it's the not knowing, and the wondering, and the worrying... espcially since I'm 28 and everyone I know is settling down. on the one hand i know marriage is for the rest of my life. on the other hand i'm concerned it wont happen for me so i need to hurry up and get married.

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Im a impatient one..I want to marry and color..I guess I would have to chat with a guy and let him know I don't want any kids coming from my woohoo for at least 5 yrs..

 

[Taliah]

Powerful. I don't think it's for me and too stubborn to find out.

 

[aribell]

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

That's a really good way of putting it. I guess the only consolation is that if you simply live life, continually put yourself out there and date, what will be will be. I find not being in direct control of the outcome more comforting.

But yes, there's so much life to be lived. And what is sadness about not being married becomes sadness about not having children which becomes sadness about having disobedient or wayward or sick children, which becomes sadness about an empty nest and so on and so forth. At any stage, there will be something that we can be sad about because it's not as we'd like it to be. But we can choose to simply rejoice in what we do have right now and to enjoy it. Thanks for the reminder, asuperwoman.

 

[The Savvy Sistah]

Thank you for sharing this!!! I keep telling myself to just enjoy where I am now and not try to rush into anything. When it's time it will happen! The worst thing is to go through life with regrets!

 

[DrC]

Now if only this were written 10-15 years ago before to my friends who decided to get married early and have kids out of wedlock ( no offense). I wouldn't be the ONLY one in the pack of friends Single with no children.....

 

[Ladybelle]

Girl Empty nest Syndrome is my middle name. I sometimes just cry like a pregnant woman with jacked up Hormones sometimes. My DH I see him sometimes looking at the baby pictures and sheding a few tears himself. Sometimes we even cry together. Believe me DH is a tough old buzzard and he never cries sometimes it gets to him too. You knew this day was always going to come and you THINK that you are prepared for it. But when it comes sometimes it does get to you. We will probably be moving back home when everything is said and done. Or maybe Paris where his familiy lives and that is closer to Africa and Israel than here. We don't know we are working on a 3 year plan.

But yeah sometimes it hits you like a **** and then some days you are like YEAHHHHHHH THEY GONE HEYYYYYYY lets play patty cake

NEKIIIINDDDD yeah. We are dating more now

awww man! I guess I better start preparing & bracing myself. I try my best to enjoy my kids now, but sometimes I find myself getting caught up in the stuff that doesn't really matter like the housework, I'm tired, I'm thinking about other stuff.... I pray that the Lord helps me to enjoy my babies fully! Everyone with grown children tells me that it will fly by.

Yes PLEASE wait on the kids Your body and your sex life will thank you TRUST me Look at your momma nekkid cuz that's what them buzzards will do to you. I didn't think it would happen to me, it did Spontaneous coloring will be a thing of the past and you will definitely be interrupted often. But they're a joy up to age 3 Then the cuteness wears off and the countdown to 18 begins

Can we add spontaneous anything else to the list? I know me & my dh use to enjoy going to IHOP or Waffle House at 1 a.m on a whim - no more of that. Shoot, I can't even enjoy a candy bar without someone saying " i want sum pwease!"

you're right. My mother was trying to say something similar.

it's just hard to enjoy being single when there are so many "black women are eternally single" messages out there. If there were some kind of agreement that I'd marry x guy in 4 years I'd be happy and could live it up! but it's the not knowing, and the wondering, and the worrying... espcially since I'm 28 and everyone I know is settling down. on the one hand i know marriage is for the rest of my life. on the other hand i'm concerned it wont happen for me so i need to hurry up and get married.

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

I can't say I wasn't the same way. I had to get married by X-date. I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't content either. It can be difficult to put our desires in true perspective,especially those things we want to control but can't. I remember being at the beach with some of my best girlfriends- no kids, no husband and thinking it would have just been so much better had I had a husband & Kids.I didn't fully enjoy the trip worrying about what I didn't have instead of what was right in front of me. Now, I see every stage is good. Oh well, can't change the past. Working on not doing this in the future.

Im a impatient one..I want to marry and color..I guess I would have to chat with a guy and let him know I don't want any kids coming from my woohoo for at least 5 yrs..

I can understand the physical desire, especially if you are waiting until marriage. I have limited experience in that area, so I don't know what to tell you.

That's a really good way of putting it. I guess the only consolation is that if you simply live life, continually put yourself out there and date, what will be will be. I find not being in direct control of the outcome more comforting.

But yes, there's so much life to be lived. And what is sadness about not being married becomes sadness about not having children which becomes sadness about having disobedient or wayward or sick children, which becomes sadness about an empty nest and so on and so forth. At any stage, there will be something that we can be sad about because it's not as we'd like it to be. But we can choose to simply rejoice in what we do have right now and to enjoy it. Thanks for the reminder, asuperwoman.

The bolded sums it up so well. I have to remind myself of the same. ENJOY LIFE RIGHT NOW! Start dealing with things with a smile instead of a frown. Choose to be happy today! Yeah, that's my motivational thought for the week.

Thank you for sharing this!!! I keep telling myself to just enjoy where I am now and not try to rush into anything. When it's time it will happen! The worst thing is to go through life with regrets!

Exactly, just live ya life!

Now if only this were written 10-15 years ago before to my friends who decided to get married early and have kids out of wedlock ( no offense). I wouldn't be the ONLY one in the pack of friends Single with no children.....

you sound a little angry about your friends' decisions! No offense taken, things happen for a reason.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I am single and childless and I can already feel the heat....
My SO and I are in deep discussion about marriage and I am feeling withdrawel from single life. I like my freedom and I see that slowly slipping away from me.

Is this normal?

 

[Ronnieaj]

I used to SOOOO want to be married by 30. Well, I'm 30, my SO and I went to Jamaica for my birthday last year, are going to Vegas for his birthday this year, and will get married sometime in 2011. I'll either be 31 or 32. We don't plan to have children for at least 2 years after we're married (but if the lord thinks otherwise, we roll with whatever happens). Right now I'm enjoying having him to come home to, go kick it with, color with, and just know someone stands by me 100%. The only thing that makes us sad is that his father passed before we were able to marry. But that's life, and we know he's happy for us, so we're going to continue to enjoy this part of our life before we move on to the next phase. Thanks for the reminder!!

 

[newbiemom]

ITA. We planned on waiting but I am not good with remembering those pills so my first bundle of Joy Kal-el came . I was pregnant 3 months after being married. I wanted to wait 3 years. Then came Konner, I wouldn't trade them for the world but I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to just have been the 2 of us married for a while.

 

[Bunny77]

I used to SOOOO want to be married by 30. Well, I'm 30, my SO and I went to Jamaica for my birthday last year, are going to Vegas for his birthday this year, and will get married sometime in 2011. I'll either be 31 or 32. We don't plan to have children for at least 2 years after we're married (but if the lord thinks otherwise, we roll with whatever happens). Right now I'm enjoying having him to come home to, go kick it with, color with, and just know someone stands by me 100%. The only thing that makes us sad is that his father passed before we were able to marry. But that's life, and we know he's happy for us, so we're going to continue to enjoy this part of our life before we move on to the next phase. Thanks for the reminder!!

I think this is my path too.

I never had any big hangups about being married by 30, BUT I hoped that by 30, I would at least be in a relationship that would be heading in that direction. I didn't start thinking about marriage at least until I was about 27, and that was more being ready to think about it, not actually do it.

Anyway, I'm 32 now, and I'm thinking (hoping??) that I'll be married by the end of the year. This timing is actually great for me... I did the single thing, and there's little chance that once I'm married, I'll regret not being single long enough. I think I only want to wait 2 years at the most though before trying for kids (unless it happens earlier). I don't want to push it too long...

 

[Preezie]

This is great advice, but hard to keep hearing since I have been hearing this since I was about 25 and finally experiencing life outside of undergrad. "Oh enjoy your 20's, travel, have fun...." the list goes on and on about what people have told me. Well I'm 32, never been married, no children, take a vacation every 3 months, travel out the country twice a year (never repeating the same country), have 2 degrees, know how to support myself financially, workout regularly, volunteer, have many friends, but everyone is still telling me "enjoy being single and not having children." The reality is, I'm not getting younger. I am not going to lie and say I don't want children or that I want to wait a couple years after getting married (if I get married) to have them. I'm at the point now where I may just adopt (invitro is out of my price range and yes I've looked into it) because I shouldn't deny myself a family simply because I'm single and people think I'm not "enjoying being single" enough.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Well dayum...thanks

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Yeah my DH and I often say this but now that everyone is grown and leaving it is

PARTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY second honeymoon and love in the afternoon. We are getting so reaquainted again but the op is right enjoy your life as you are in it.

Children change everything

I am counting down to the day that my youngest DD is in college so that DH and I can have that second honeymoon--I have big plans I enjoy my kids, but it will be nice spending our golden years getting reacquainted!!

To the bold, I'm 28 and my sister is 27 and our mother STILL blames us for her big hanging belly. I don't want that. I don't want to be cut on(c-section) and I don't want a hangy belly. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom use to blame us for her belly She said the reason that it was the way it was is because she didn't exercise after each pregnancy. So I made sure I exercised and ate right to get my tummy as close to the original shape as possible.

 

[Ramya]

I enjoy my singleness and the fullness thereof . I'm sure when I get married I'll enjoy it as well.

 

[Bunny77]

This is great advice, but hard to keep hearing since I have been hearing this since I was about 25 and finally experiencing life outside of undergrad. "Oh enjoy your 20's, travel, have fun...." the list goes on and on about what people have told me. Well I'm 32, never been married, no children, take a vacation every 3 months, travel out the country twice a year (never repeating the same country), have 2 degrees, know how to support myself financially, workout regularly, volunteer, have many friends, but everyone is still telling me "enjoy being single and not having children." The reality is, I'm not getting younger. I am not going to lie and say I don't want children or that I want to wait a couple years after getting married (if I get married) to have them. I'm at the point now where I may just adopt (invitro is out of my price range and yes I've looked into it) because I shouldn't deny myself a family simply because I'm single and people think I'm not "enjoying being single" enough.

Girl, I COMPLETELY understand. Read enough of my posts and you'll see what I mean.

I think ASuperwoman's advice was great, but I also think that there's a point in which it stops being relevant to some people... I think what she said was good for women in their early-mid 20s, which is when she got married.

As for your case... I went through the same thing when I started hitting those later 20s and I RIGHTFULLY desired to be married and have children after fully enjoying single life. I had to shut out all of those voices and make a full-out, no-holds barred plan to pursue marriage.

At this point, don't just wait for it to happen or hope it happens. Put yourself in position to meet as many men as possible and attract a marriage-minded partner. Throw the kitchen sink at the thing... that's what I did, and I believe it has worked.

Do not give up. If marriage and family is what you want, pursue it with the level of intensity you pursued all your other endeavors.

And actually -- yeah, I know I might get ripped for this -- I'm gonna suggest that scale back on a lot of the single person stuff. Stop traveling as much -- use that time to socialize around your area and meet men. Cut back on some activities that are taking time away from potentially forming relationships. One thing I realized is that if you get TOO caught up in a single woman's routine, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed to actually clear up some free time in my life just to be available to date and have relationships.

I hope that helps a little. Good luck to you.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

And actually -- yeah, I know I might get ripped for this -- I'm gonna suggest that scale back on a lot of the single person stuff. Stop traveling as much -- use that time to socialize around your area and meet men. Cut back on some activities that are taking time away from potentially forming relationships. One thing I realized is that if you get TOO caught up in a single woman's routine, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed to actually clear up some free time in my life just to be available to date and have relationships.

No stone throwing at all. I agree. If men get the vibe that you are "single, saved, and satisfied", they will assume you have no room for them and probably not pursue. That's been my observation anyway.

 

[Kiadodie]

you're right. My mother was trying to say something similar.

it's just hard to enjoy being single when there are so many "black women are eternally single" messages out there. If there were some kind of agreement that I'd marry x guy in 4 years I'd be happy and could live it up! but it's the not knowing, and the wondering, and the worrying... espcially since I'm 28 and everyone I know is settling down. on the one hand i know marriage is for the rest of my life. on the other hand i'm concerned it wont happen for me so i need to hurry up and get married.

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

ITA with the bolded. I'm 37 and still single. If I knew I'd be married soon, I woudn't be worried but since I want kids and I'm already 37 I do worry. I can't help it. I have my good days and bad days.

Now I know when I do get married and have kids I will look back and say, I wished I enjoyed my single life more. That's how it usually goes. erplexed

 

[Preezie]

Girl, I COMPLETELY understand. Read enough of my posts and you'll see what I mean.

I think ASuperwoman's advice was great, but I also think that there's a point in which it stops being relevant to some people... I think what she said was good for women in their early-mid 20s, which is when she got married.

As for your case... I went through the same thing when I started hitting those later 20s and I RIGHTFULLY desired to be married and have children after fully enjoying single life. I had to shut out all of those voices and make a full-out, no-holds barred plan to pursue marriage.

At this point, don't just wait for it to happen or hope it happens. Put yourself in position to meet as many men as possible and attract a marriage-minded partner. Throw the kitchen sink at the thing... that's what I did, and I believe it has worked.

Do not give up. If marriage and family is what you want, pursue it with the level of intensity you pursued all your other endeavors.

And actually -- yeah, I know I might get ripped for this -- I'm gonna suggest that scale back on a lot of the single person stuff. Stop traveling as much -- use that time to socialize around your area and meet men. Cut back on some activities that are taking time away from potentially forming relationships. One thing I realized is that if you get TOO caught up in a single woman's routine, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed to actually clear up some free time in my life just to be available to date and have relationships.

I hope that helps a little. Good luck to you.

Bunny77,

Thanks for the advice, but I just got out of a 1 and a 1/2 year relationship last week. He was never going to marry me and his daughters' mother kept not letting him see the kids because he was with me so it was alot more drama then it was worth for me. It was an ammicable breakup. At that time, I wasn't traveling as much (only traveled twice out of the country during the relationship, besides taking trips to my hometown (about 3-4 weekends, which was fine because he was working a lot then) and I only volunteered about once a month. I have to workout because of the medication I'm on. It causes me to gain weight when the increase and my doctor is concerned about high blood pressure and diabetes so I'm not going to stop working out at all. But none of my activities were an issue because I did put a lot of energy into making our relationshipw work, which is why I think we both stayed. I wanted it to work, he wanted it to work, but couldn't get his situation under control. I don't to clubs; haven't since I was about 26 and I put a lot of energy into that relationship. I just am tired of relationships that go no where.

 

[Ladybelle]

Girl, I COMPLETELY understand. Read enough of my posts and you'll see what I mean.

I think ASuperwoman's advice was great, but I also think that there's a point in which it stops being relevant to some people... I think what she said was good for women in their early-mid 20s, which is when she got married.

As for your case... I went through the same thing when I started hitting those later 20s and I RIGHTFULLY desired to be married and have children after fully enjoying single life. I had to shut out all of those voices and make a full-out, no-holds barred plan to pursue marriage.

At this point, don't just wait for it to happen or hope it happens. Put yourself in position to meet as many men as possible and attract a marriage-minded partner. Throw the kitchen sink at the thing... that's what I did, and I believe it has worked.

Do not give up. If marriage and family is what you want, pursue it with the level of intensity you pursued all your other endeavors.

And actually -- yeah, I know I might get ripped for this -- I'm gonna suggest that scale back on a lot of the single person stuff. Stop traveling as much -- use that time to socialize around your area and meet men. Cut back on some activities that are taking time away from potentially forming relationships. One thing I realized is that if you get TOO caught up in a single woman's routine, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed to actually clear up some free time in my life just to be available to date and have relationships.

I hope that helps a little. Good luck to you.

I agree with the bolded and the entire post. I understand one being a little disgruntled at a certain point. Don't shoot me!!

 

[Preezie]

No stone throwing at all. I agree. If men get the vibe that you are "single, saved, and satisfied", they will assume you have no room for them and probably not pursue. That's been my observation anyway.

I also think men get really, really, really intimidated. I know it sounds very trite, but one of my close guy friends told me that as well. He said men don't marry women who drive nice, live nice, and look happy all the time. He said I needed some drama and stress to curb the happiness. But I'm not an unhappy person. I am a person with a very, very, very rare blood disorder and if I stress, I come out of remission and it is NO fun being an hospital for 4-6 weeks and nother 4-6 weeks to recover. I learned to live life EXTREMELY stress free and hakuna matata like. My ex-boyfriend knew this as well and tried to keep the drama with his baby mama away from me because I'm not a person who likes to keep mess going. I know it was getting hard for him, especially when he kept alllowing her to inconvience our life and that was something he promised he wouldn't allow her to do when we first started dating. However, I do think I'm pretty balanced in the sense that while I do my activities, I'm also a person that does the "family" thing as well. Maybe I will cut volunteering and just do happy hours or something, but I don't drink. LOL Not sure how I'm going to catch the next man. I'll just try to take heed to some advice. Now let me get back to planning my birthday vacation to Aruba. LOL

 

[Bunny77]

Hi Preezie... hope you don't mind me picking apart your post a little bit... I mean well, I really do.

Here goes.

Bunny77,

Thanks for the advice, but I just got out of a 1 and a 1/2 year relationship last week. He was never going to marry me and his daughters' mother kept not letting him see the kids because he was with me so it was alot more drama then it was worth for me. It was an ammicable breakup.

I'm glad you ended this relationship. Here's the thing. At your age (which is also my age), a man should know when he's ready to marry, and a woman who wants to marry should not date a man for more than a year without a proposal. However, you should know LONG before that year comes if he is considering marriage with you. If you all haven't had a serious discussion about marriage between 6-8 months, you should move on. While I'm not engaged yet, that discussion took place at six months and continues to do so... we're not at a year yet, but ole' boy knows that I will bounce if we are not engaged and planning for marriage by the middle of this year.

You have to set the standard from the VERY beginning and also be willing to kick certain people to the curb immediately if there is too much drama in their lives... like in this case, while it's not his fault what his daughter's mother is doing, you have to ask yourself from the beginning if this is a relationship you'd want to deal with for the rest of your life. I knew when I went on ONE date with a guy who was talking about his custody battle that I was not going to have a second date. Why? Because there was no way he could focus on what I wanted (being a husband) if he's still dealing with the vestiges of his old relationship.

We cannot afford to waste time on dead-end relationships, and the best thing to do is not get into them at all "hoping" this could be the one. You gotta be ruthless and toss dudes to the curb IMMEDIATELY.

I have to workout because of the medication I'm on. It causes me to gain weight when the increase and my doctor is concerned about high blood pressure and diabetes so I'm not going to stop working out at all.

Yeah, I definitely don't suggest cutting back on working out. That wasn't one of the things that I thought you should cut out. I think it's great what you're doing... and even if your health was perfect, I would never tell anyone to work out less!

But none of my activities were an issue because I did put a lot of energy into making our relationshipw work, which is why I think we both stayed. I wanted it to work, he wanted it to work, but couldn't get his situation under control.

That's understandable. See my above comment. There are a lot of decent guys out here who might be good boyfriends, but if you want to be married, this is when you have to stop giving things a chance and trying to make things work. Either they work from jump, or you just move on.

I don't to clubs; haven't since I was about 26 and I put a lot of energy into that relationship. I just am tired of relationships that go no where.

Where did I mention the word "club" anywhere in my comment? I find it interesting that whenever I say to people "get out more," the quick answer is, "I don't go to clubs." Well, I don't either! I think clubs are the WORST places to meet men. "Going out" can mean going to book signings, charity events, sporting events, lectures, museums, hikes, 5K clubs, foreign language groups... whatever floats your boat!

As for relationships that go nowhere... the thing is, YOU have to take control of that. Ultimately, our relationship fate is in OUR hands and our hands alone. If we want to be married, WE must decide which men show themselves capable and ready to be husbands and WE set the timeline on how long we will wait for that. We don't need to "work" at making it work... if it isn't happening, we must move on.

Hope that helps.