To Be Content Alone

[Irresistible]

But isn't that kinda like asking G-d to make you a surgeon and you never go to medical school? We are in a partnership in creation...it's ongoing. Being fruitful and multiplying...requires work on our part as well. I believe that G-d will place whomever, friend, foe, opportunities, tragedies...in the life of anyone He so desires. That still doesn't mean we're to sit back waiting for some miracle to happen. The "miracle" might happen while we're working on things.

Of course faith without works is dead, but acts/works not lead by God are fruitless and are just as dead

cant we believe while we are living and doing things, that God will bring it to pass, not we go make it happen in the sense of not being lead

like I might not feel like going to the store one night, but feel very lead to just do it, and might be set up for something when I do, Or I might be thinking I need to be here and there so that I DONT miss out and wear myself out with no fruit for any of it

its still all about being lead is what I am saying

like I have had huge miracles, then came my breast tumor , and I wrestled with God to heal me the way I was used to, this time he wanted me to trust him through surgery-this made no sense to me-it took me a year to be prepared for what he wanted me to do in my spirit, when I KNEW he could take the darn thing away in an instant. I was mad and all kind of stuff, but I moved forward and got healed another way, but if he had spoke to me all the way up to the operating room, I would have walked out, My mother knows this about me, so she had it set up to have the doc call her when I was in hehe, basically what I am saying here, 'Destiny' decisions are made by God, whether we go out and do this or that, will not change his timing and his destiny, well we can always delay things, but you get what I am saying. I dont run around like a chicken with my head cut off chasing down blessing, I let myself be lead by God , and the blessings are chasing me

 

[aribell]

Rather, life in general, locked thread was only a very small example. People are more influenced by the world than they think. Transformation of the mind ...doesn't mean one suddenly becomes a walking spirit. Cultures, events change...people pick up on that and live within it. That's why I agree with Bunny on the effects of present-day culture on marriage.

Okay, point of clarification. Are you (/you all) saying that the culture affects our own views of marriage which requires that we act in particular ways to counter-act that influence, or are you saying that the cultural norms affect our chances of getting married, whether or not it's "God's will"?

I realize that your quote doesn't address all that, but it seems to be a question running under many of these posts.

 

[Irresistible]

These posts got really twisted up and things came across wrong

but I do understand both viewpoints, the defense of the singles, on the possible assumption that they feel they are incomplete for or while desiring Marriage and Ms Honey's whole main point is only to ASK THE LORD

not if you are to desire Marriage at all, or if you are to be blessed by it or if it be his will, but more that before you enter into relationship ASK THE LORD what he wants/wills for that specific relationship

we also must embrace our season of preparation to be a wife and to be in a marriage, I mean there is no two ways about that, if you want it and ask for it, be prepared for the process he has for you

I think thats also what she was saying, ask him what is holding that up, and what you need to do

she is very right on all that

I cant speak on all the other stuff, but her points in between the misunderstandings were truth

so yeah this just came to me while standing in my bathroom, because I WASNT going to touch all that with a ten foot pole, but I got it in my spirit just now

 

[Irresistible]

and lets not mention embracing the process 'being a wife' to a man

its all process, day in , day out

yep

 

[TrendySocialite]

For fear of more darts thrown my way....

I agree with a lot of what Ms Honey said (just deplore the WAY it was said). There are women out there who are DESPERATE to get married. Doing anything and everything to snag a man. Often time their reason for getting married is because they "want to be complete" or "they want someone to love them." This is wrong IMO...

There are other women who desire to get married to love someone else. Not sure if folks this is right or wrong, but that's how some women feel.

Becoming and being a wife is probably the greatest challenge ever placed before a woman. Marriage and motherhood IMO are two awesome challenges women undertake. And no, marriage and motherhood is not for everyone. It is a ministry and when done according to Godly order, it is your first ministry (in comparison to children).

I totally agree that learning how to be a wife is a process. I have watched my mother do it for 36 years with my father (God love her).

Not that my private prayer life is anyone's concern, but when I pray about marriage and my future husband, my prayer is pretty simple. I pray for the protection and guidance of my husband in all that he does. Then I pray that God teaches me what I need to learn in this season of waiting. I ask him to give me wisdom and that he work on me so that when the time comes my future husband will find me a good thing and that he will cherish me like the Proverbs 31 woman.

I serve an unconventional, miracle-working, awesome God and I am not going to box Him in (based on society's or the church's standards) about how HE chooses to bless me (in any area, not just marriage). I try to live my life according to His will and commandments and I expect Him to do the rest.

Part of my knowledge of who God is to me (may not be this way with everyone) is that I can delight myself in Him and he'll give me the desires of my heart. And I can remind Him of His word and his promises to me that He has a plan for my life. He is the one that said His word (and thus His promises) will not return to Him void.

I am to present ALL my requests to God (Philippians 4:6) with Thanksgiving and not be anxious (which I am not...for the record). See what most people fail to get is what's in verse 7 of Philippians 4:7....once I make my request known (even if I was/am anxious) all of those negative emotions are replaced with God's peace. And that peace will keep me from getting in bad relationships, because it guards my heart and mind.

So what I had to learn (and this lesson might ONLY BE FOR ME) was rather deny what I was feeling and put on a mask, I was real with God. Told him what I wanted but asked Him to guide me into what He wanted. And when I laid aside that weight and laid it at my Master's feet, I was cool. And I continue to be cool as long as I don't try to pick it up again. Trust me, I have tried to pick it up and help God out at first, but now His timing is what it is. But it doesn't mean that the desire is still not there and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

And for the record, Ms. Honey was NOT the only one misunderstood...

 

[Irresistible]

For fear of more darts thrown my way....

I agree with a lot of what Ms Honey said (just deplore the WAY it was said). There are women out there who are DESPERATE to get married. Doing anything and everything to snag a man. Often time their reason for getting married is because they "want to be complete" or "they want someone to love them." This is wrong IMO...

There are other women who desire to get married to love someone else. Not sure if folks this is right or wrong, but that's how some women feel.

Becoming and being a wife is probably the greatest challenge ever placed before a woman. Marriage and motherhood IMO are two awesome challenges women undertake. And no, marriage and motherhood is not for everyone. It is a ministry and when done according to Godly order, it is your first ministry (in comparison to children).

I totally agree that learning how to be a wife is a process. I have watched my mother do it for 36 years with my father (God love her).

Not that my private prayer life is anyone's concern, but when I pray about marriage and my future husband, my prayer is pretty simple. I pray for the protection and guidance of my husband in all that he does. Then I pray that God teaches me what I need to learn in this season of waiting. I ask him to give me wisdom and that he work on me so that when the time comes my future husband will find me a good thing and that he will cherish me like the Proverbs 31 woman.

I serve an unconventional, miracle-working, awesome God and I am not going to box Him in (based on society's or the church's standards) about how HE chooses to bless me (in any area, not just marriage). I try to live my life according to His will and commandments and I expect Him to do the rest.

Part of my knowledge of who God is to me (may not be this way with everyone) is that I can delight myself in Him and he'll give me the desires of my heart. And I can remind Him of His word and his promises to me that He has a plan for my life. He is the one that said His word (and thus His promises) will not return to Him void.

I am to present ALL my requests to God (Philippians 4:6) with Thanksgiving and not be anxious (which I am not...for the record). See what most people fail to get is what's in verse 7 of Philippians 4:7....once I make my request known (even if I was/am anxious) all of those negative emotions are replaced with God's peace. And that peace will keep me from getting in bad relationships, because it guards my heart and mind.

So what I had to learn (and this lesson might ONLY BE FOR ME) was rather deny what I was feeling and put on a mask, I was real with God. Told him what I wanted but asked Him to guide me into what He wanted. And when I laid aside that weight and laid it at my Master's feet, I was cool. And I continue to be cool as long as I don't try to pick it up again. Trust me, I have tried to pick it up and help God out at first, but now His timing is what it is. But it doesn't mean that the desire is still not there and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

And for the record, Ms. Honey was NOT the only one misunderstood...

Well that about wraps up this thread

and I agree with your last part, its just that I was understanding YOU all along, took me a minute to get the rest in my spirit , I guess because it was in part like you said the delivery

come on ya'll in the end we are all in the walk together, with one common goal AND LOVE

 

[kayte]

we are to ask and wait,

It doesn't mean being passive..

on the other hand that we have to be out there--not developing friendships--but becoming romantically involved with various people until we happen across the one.

not mutually exclusive..

both can and do spiritually co-exist and what's more synergistically
and harmoniously.

romance... but not develop friendship?
that's a (an unhealthy) myth, I think,although some operate from this dynamic
I also don't believe anything or anyone "happens"

imho
the quality of man/woman friendship is the avenue for serious committed relationship....exclusivity....romance ..courtship...marriage

attraction is the trigger,perhaps ..but it's not the relationship
friendship is the significant foundation.... that's where trust is established
and bonds form that foster a deeper feeling...

most representative in my life,anyway....

 

[TrendySocialite]

Well that about wraps up this thread

and I agree with your last part, its just that I was understanding YOU all along, took me a minute to get the rest in my spirit , I guess because it was in part like you said the delivery

come on ya'll in the end we are all in the walk together, with one common goal AND LOVE

Just because some of us disagree does not mean I don't love nor walk with others. Tension is not always a bad thing. But somewhere along the way there is this perception that in order to get along you have to have similar thoughts about subjects. I'm passionate about what I believe, as are some other posters in this thread. I don't fault them for disagreeing with me...just expect the same courtesy extended to me.

As a result of this thread, I did some soul searching today. And God showed me some areas that I could trust Him more in. So this wasn't a bad thing, at least not for me.

The bible talks about wisdom in the multitude of counsel, but it doesn't say it has to be counsel of the same opinions.

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, point of clarification. Are you (/you all) saying that the culture affects our own views of marriage which requires that we act in particular ways to counter-act that influence, or are you saying that the cultural norms affect our chances of getting married, whether or not it's "God's will"?

I realize that your quote doesn't address all that, but it seems to be a question running under many of these posts.

Hey.

To further explain myself, I do believe the part that I put in bold.

I know that there are differing opinions on God and free will out there... mine is that while God's will reigns supreme, He will not force it on you if you choose otherwise, but you will reap the consequences of your decision if it's outside His will. You will miss out on God's best for you.

In turn, your decision can negatively affect others. To me, this explains a lot of situations as to why innocent people throughout history (including Biblical history) who have done no wrong in said matters also suffer... they are the victims of others' free will.

I do believe that one main reason that we are even having this discussion in the first place is because our culture has rejected God's will for marriage, thus making many men and women less marriage-minded, and that effect has trickled down to women (and some men) who have been raised to believe in marriage and desire it -- women who years ago would have likely been married by now.

I believe in praying that God's will be done and affirmed in such circumstances, whatever the issue may be, that God's will will be restored in our lives despite the poor choices that others around us have made.

 

[kayte]

For fear of more darts thrown my way....

I agree with a lot of what Ms Honey said (just deplore the WAY it was said). There are women out there who are DESPERATE to get married. Doing anything and everything to snag a man. Often time their reason for getting married is because they "want to be complete" or "they want someone to love them." This is wrong IMO...

There are other women who desire to get married to love someone else. Not sure if folks this is right or wrong, but that's how some women feel.

Becoming and being a wife is probably the greatest challenge ever placed before a woman. Marriage and motherhood IMO are two awesome challenges women undertake. And no, marriage and motherhood is not for everyone. It is a ministry and when done according to Godly order, it is your first ministry (in comparison to children).

I totally agree that learning how to be a wife is a process. I have watched my mother do it for 36 years with my father (God love her).

Not that my private prayer life is anyone's concern, but when I pray about marriage and my future husband, my prayer is pretty simple. I pray for the protection and guidance of my husband in all that he does. Then I pray that God teaches me what I need to learn in this season of waiting. I ask him to give me wisdom and that he work on me so that when the time comes my future husband will find me a good thing and that he will cherish me like the Proverbs 31 woman.

I serve an unconventional, miracle-working, awesome God and I am not going to box Him in (based on society's or the church's standards) about how HE chooses to bless me (in any area, not just marriage). I try to live my life according to His will and commandments and I expect Him to do the rest.

Part of my knowledge of who God is to me (may not be this way with everyone) is that I can delight myself in Him and he'll give me the desires of my heart. And I can remind Him of His word and his promises to me that He has a plan for my life. He is the one that said His word (and thus His promises) will not return to Him void.

I am to present ALL my requests to God (Philippians 4:6) with Thanksgiving and not be anxious (which I am not...for the record). See what most people fail to get is what's in verse 7 of Philippians 4:7....once I make my request known (even if I was/am anxious) all of those negative emotions are replaced with God's peace. And that peace will keep me from getting in bad relationships, because it guards my heart and mind.

So what I had to learn (and this lesson might ONLY BE FOR ME) was rather deny what I was feeling and put on a mask, I was real with God. Told him what I wanted but asked Him to guide me into what He wanted. And when I laid aside that weight and laid it at my Master's feet, I was cool. And I continue to be cool as long as I don't try to pick it up again. Trust me, I have tried to pick it up and help God out at first, but now His timing is what it is. But it doesn't mean that the desire is still not there and I'm no longer ashamed of it.

And for the record, Ms. Honey was NOT the only one misunderstood...

Beautifully stated~

 

[discobiscuits]

It doesn't mean being passive..

i agree w/ that.

I've always found that women take that passage "he who finds..." seem to have a sit and wait attitude or mentality - be passive.

It also seems that to those same women, any woman who does anything that can be construed as her looking for a man vs. the man looking is dead wrong and is violating God's plan/rules. There was a thread on that a while back. It is as if you are an ungodly heathen to even think of initiating contact with a man or putting a profile up on eharmony or similar things.

IMHO a woman positioning herself to be found or even initiating contact with a man is not violating God's rules or messing up His plans or overriding His will with our will.

God does not have preordained couples matched up and then *boom* there's a love connection.

Our singles ministry (years back) had a "summit" on this very thing. The men could not understand why the women would not even come up to a man and say hi and introduce herself to him. They said that as men they are generally afraid of rejection especially if they really think that they like the girl and if she said hi first it would be an easy ice breaker.

All I know is I refuse to be passive but I don't go running around after men. I'm approachable and I have no problem initiating contact but beyond that it is up to him to peruse me not the other way around.

 

[kayte]

I decided to not cut the prayer on the first page
but I did edit it....
to the spirit of devout singles in agreement with God

lol....sue me

Our dearest Shimmie's prayer

Dearest Ones for whom I pray. I promised to post the marriage prayer for singles. Just be assured, with hearts like yours, God has no problem answering the desire of your heart to be married. That's what He created and designed us for. And in your prayers thank God as follows:

" Lord, I thank you that I will be as you have 'such' created". (This scripture you find in Ephesians 2).

Whatever you do, allow God to be first.

Such as, "Father, only you can give me the desire of my heart to be a wife and to give glory to you as such. I will not bow to the world but unto you."

Dear Father, bless me as you did Hannah when she asked you for a son, you answered her prayer and blessed her with Samuel, which means, "...because I asked the Lord for him."

Lord because "I asked", you will answer, for your word says, 'If I ask anything according to your will, you will hear me and when I know that you hear me, I can expect you to answer, 'yes'' to my request. For a happy, loving, fruitful marriage is Your will and Your will shall be done in, here on earth, in my life, as it is in Heaven.

I promise to allow my marriage to give you glory. To you I surrender all short comings that are in me and in my husband. To be the wife that you created me to be. And to allow my husband to be the man you created and designed him to be.

Father, take over my life from this day forward. To you, I surrender all. Let your will be done and not my will.

Please protect me from all counterfeits. Please allow only the right man to come into my path and into my life to make me his wife. When he comes you will prove to me beyond a doubt that he is the one. I promise to ask you first, before I surrender my heart, allowing you to be my leader and guide in all truth.

In Jesus' name, Amen and Amen.

Angels, there is no magic pattern or prayer, you are simply putting it there in God's hands. Then let it come from Him. And it will, "Because you asked" just as Hannah did and God said, yes.

Loving blessings and Sweet sleep to each of you. Dream of Him; the One without sin, and then the 'him' who is yet to be with you. Amen.

I'd like to add this...

"Be not afraid, only Believe..."

Why believe the bad, when instead 'receive the good?

 

[discobiscuits]

i don't agree with the prayer 100% but i like this part. it sounds pretty.

Please protect me from all counterfeits. Please allow only the right man to come into my path and into my life to make me his wife. When he comes you will prove to me beyond a doubt that he is the one. I promise to ask you first, before I surrender my heart, allowing you to be my leader and guide in all truth.

 

[Shinka]

Thank you all the ladies for this wonderful thread. As I think I may be much younger than many of you in spirit and in the world (25) This has help me a great bit and I'm glad I was lead to read it.

I too felt that they is a sentiment ( in my life..not this board) that singles wanting marriage was bad. I felt The whole focus on yourself and God was a way for elder women not to help me with my hearts desire. Now, I understand this in context.

It was even harder when women are taught this, but our young Christian men( i KNow) are running about in their wordly ways and no really says anything to them. Once again, the world and the church, are not encouraging them to marry. Lack of examples of healthy Christian marriages two. Often, there isn't a marriage ministry ( most churches don't have that...maybe that's part of pre marital counseling)


On day I asked my pastor why did God put this strong desire for children in my heart (i've been baby crazy since like freshmen year of college, but I desire children within a marriage). She explain to me is natural for women. we are bearers of future generations. It's part of our role as women. Now will all have this desire or ability... no, but iit's a God given part (biological and spiritually) of being a women. She quoted this from Genesis.

I think along with that is the idea that a women's desire will be for her husband. Once again, there will be those who chose to be single. But I do believe is God-given part of being a woman.

The key as many stated, is to accept that yes this is a normal desire, but work on your relationship with God as God alone will be the one to fulfill this desire in your life in His time. Relax, because these are only two of the many roles God may want you to fulfill in your life.

What I see everyone saying is while you seek, ask, and knock ( maybe for your desires of children and marriage), don't neglect discovering, via prayer, what other plans God has for other aspects of your life. God may want you to develop those aspects first, before marriage and motherhood, or maybe in the reverse order or concurrently. We must ask God what his will is, meditate on his word, and really listen when he answers ( usually that small still voice).


Wow, this has been a very therapeutic thread for me. I will still buy the Why men love books, etc because I don't think I have learned, when I have been lead or approach by a man, how to discern his good qualities and make sure I stand strong in my convictions and not become a total doormat or ascribe values or give treatment to him that should be preserved for my husband.

I wish I was taught more about that, but I think that has a lot to due with lack of guidance from my female and male elders in my family who don't cherish marriage, and too are victims of the vicious cycle (they are devout Chrisitians too). It's sad that my generation largly isn't being directed in theses areas. As many of my Christian friends as various level of spritual understandins are having this problem. ( Bunny was very accurate in her observations and reasonings).

 

[Mis007]

Because you quoted my post in yours....

I'm not upset...wrong assumption (again). I feel for you and your way of interacting with fellow Christians who don't agree with you.

And no, you are not talking about me. But there are women, not as strong in their faith or relationship with Christ, that will think, based on your thoughts, that their desires are wrong and try to discount them. And I do not want them to have a one-sided view of the subject.

So just as you are free to continuing posting your thoughts, so am I....and you don't have to read my posts either. It works both ways....

I think you should give women more credit as they often know what they want often before they enter this thread etc, but I have read that any mis undesrstanding has been cleared up. Again topics such as these always gets heated because we are passionate and this is good. We all can and do learn from each and everyone just remember this when you do not agree with what someone has posted, you may not agree but someone will and many of us is here to learn.

Thanks...

 

[Ms.Honey]

Ladies please let me say this and understand it's not to be purposely offensive. I said what I said EXACTLY the way I said it EXACTLY the way I MEANT to say it. If someone was offended by what I said then that's on them, deploring it or not.
I do not post to make anyone feel bad or good about what I say. The Word can be offensive to those who don't want to hear it. Whether it's accepted or rejected is up to the hearer. Alot of words have been added to what I said but that's to be expected by some. Again, it was not to offend but it is what it is.

 

[Irresistible]

Just because some of us disagree does not mean I don't love nor walk with others. Tension is not always a bad thing. But somewhere along the way there is this perception that in order to get along you have to have similar thoughts about subjects. I'm passionate about what I believe, as are some other posters in this thread. I don't fault them for disagreeing with me...just expect the same courtesy extended to me.

As a result of this thread, I did some soul searching today. And God showed me some areas that I could trust Him more in. So this wasn't a bad thing, at least not for me.

The bible talks about wisdom in the multitude of counsel, but it doesn't say it has to be counsel of the same opinions.

I'm lost

like I'm not sure what your even defending from my post now-I never said any of this wasnt good, I never said anything about any of this at all

I said I understood you and your points, so whats left to defend or explain? I get it

 

[hopeful]

Ms. Honey, I can only speak for myself. The only thing I found offensive was when you said: "You need to learn how to read and then try practicing comprehension." I thought that was disrespectful and not a very kind way to speak to arr1216. Everything else you said as far as I can remember was very helpful and thoughtful.

 

[Irresistible]

Ladies please let me say this and understand it's not to be purposely offensive. I said what I said EXACTLY the way I said it EXACTLY the way I MEANT to say it. If someone was offended by what I said then that's on them, deploring it or not.
I do not post to make anyone feel bad or good about what I say. The Word can be offensive to those who don't want to hear it. Whether it's accepted or rejected is up to the hearer. Alot of words have been added to what I said but that's to be expected by some. Again, it was not to offend but it is what it is.

Ms Honey , you already know when you dish out a word , and you do have the capability of delivering it straight -no chaser, with your feeling behind it coming from a somewhat -stern' point of view. You know it can feel like for some that its like choking on that truth, its like 'GASP' at first, but still some will be able to receive it and get it in their spirit.

alot of 'extra' defending went on after that, I understood that too, and why, but I understand your straight-no-chaser delivery, as you have dished it up to me that way on another matter, it was like 'CHOKE' oh my, let me chew this and digest it cause it was hard to swallow, but it was indeed well received and indeed was a blessing unto me

and I thank you for that forever

 

[hopeful]

Shinka, thank you for your beautiful post. You broke it down sweetie, you may be young in age, but you are not young in spirit.

I have a question for the ladies who have a church they attend regularly. I think FoxyScholar touched on it briefly in her testimony. How do you look at the older women in your church who are not married? The ladies who are say 50 and older. Why do you believe they never married? Do you admire them as much as you do the married women? Do you believe they did something wrong or never alligned themselves with God? Have you ever spoken to them to see their thoughts? Do you believe they were just unlucky in love? I am just curious. Do the women seem to be fulfilled and satisfied with their lives? Do you think they still will get married some day?

 

[PaperClip]

Shinka, thank you for your beautiful post. You broke it down sweetie, you may be young in age, but you are not young in spirit.

I have a question for the ladies who have a church they attend regularly. I think FoxyScholar touched on it briefly in her testimony. How do you look at the older women in your church who are not married? The ladies who are say 50 and older. Why do you believe they never married? Do you admire them as much as you do the married women? Do you believe they did something wrong or never alligned themselves with God? Have you ever spoken to them to see their thoughts? Do you believe they were just unlucky in love? I am just curious. Do the women seem to be fulfilled and satisfied with their lives? Do you think they still will get married some day?

I've been in church my entire life. I was the "church girl" amongst my friends. I say that to say I've seen a lot growing up and my parents did a good job in balancing me out between church and other activities. It was no question that I was going to go to college and all that. I also grew up in a home with two loving married parents and clearly expected to be married and happy and all that.

My first memory of noticing singles as church is when I was about 17-18 years old and I recall an announcement for the singles at church to meet for a meeting. I wasn't going to the meeting but I recall passing by the pews where the singles were sitting and most of them (mostly women) did not look happy. Their faces looked absent, or mean, or sad, or... I don't know. But right then I thought "I DO NOT want to look or be that way".

So fast forward to the church I've attended pretty much my whole adult life and I noticed two things: 1) the way the church treated the single people: like they were not complete. The singles did not seem to get the same level of attention or position. And 2) the way some of the singles looked themselves: down, looked like they were barely hanging on. I think some of the singles that did look relatively happy were getting some on the side look....

From what I can tell, it seemed that most of the single women had been married and divorced or widowed, or that they had never been married but had relationships and either the relationships broke up when they got saved or they simply didn't work out. Some of these women have been married more than once.

I think some of them get fulfillment in a variety of ways, like we all should, but there's that longing for companionship. I long for companionship, too. There may be some younger women who look at me and don't want to "end up like me", either. That makes me very sad because I have a wonderful life and have so many opportunities. It makes me feel like I am deficient or inadequate. Even reading some of these posts and even on this board. Like because I've reached this certain age and I'm not yet married that I must be a mutant or worse, unworthy of marriage. That's why I have to be very careful to make sure to lift up my eyes unto the hills. From whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord, Creator of heaven and earth.

There was one particular thread that cut me very deep on this point...that I should be ashamed that my parents contribute to my life at this age. If only they knew the whole story...my Good Lord....

 

[Irresistible]

I've been in church my entire life. I was the "church girl" amongst my friends. I say that to say I've seen a lot growing up and my parents did a good job in balancing me out between church and other activities. It was no question that I was going to go to college and all that. I also grew up in a home with two loving married parents and clearly expected to be married and happy and all that.

My first memory of noticing singles as church is when I was about 17-18 years old and I recall an announcement for the singles at church to meet for a meeting. I wasn't going to the meeting but I recall passing by the pews where the singles were sitting and most of them (mostly women) did not look happy. Their faces looked absent, or mean, or sad, or... I don't know. But right then I thought "I DO NOT want to look or be that way".

So fast forward to the church I've attended pretty much my whole adult life and I noticed two things: 1) the way the church treated the single people: like they were not complete. The singles did not seem to get the same level of attention or position. And 2) the way some of the singles looked themselves: down, looked like they were barely hanging on. I think some of the singles that did look relatively happy were getting some on the side look....

From what I can tell, it seemed that most of the single women had been married and divorced or widowed, or that they had never been married but had relationships and either the relationships broke up when they got saved or they simply didn't work out. Some of these women have been married more than once.

I think some of them get fulfillment in a variety of ways, like we all should, but there's that longing for companionship. I long for companionship, too. There may be some younger women who look at me and don't want to "end up like me", either. That makes me very sad because I have a wonderful life and have so many opportunities. It makes me feel like I am deficient or inadequate. Even reading some of these posts and even on this board. Like because I've reached this certain age and I'm not yet married that I must be a mutant or worse, unworthy of marriage. That's why I have to be very careful to make sure to lift up my eyes unto the hills. From whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord, Creator of heaven and earth.

There was one particular thread that cut me very deep on this point...that I should be ashamed that my parents contribute to my life at this age. If only they knew the whole story...my Good Lord....

I saw that thread and I find it a disgrace the judgments others have the nerve to let be in their hearts

ur right where you should be and right where God wants you and you are blessed!

eta , it matters not who knows your story , God knows!!! Thats all that matters!! He knows!!

 

[hopeful]

Thank you so much FoxyScholar. I have gone to church off and on, but never steadily year after year so I was just curious. Dh and I recently joined a church and I just noticed that our little family seems to get more attention than some. Sometimes the singles seem almost invisible. And some of the women do seem sad and lonely. But I don't know them well and don't know their stories. IRL I tend to gravitate to married women because it seems we have more in common.

 

[hopeful]

I saw that thread and I find it a disgrace the judgments others have the nerve to let be in their hearts

ur right where you should be and right where God wants you and you are blessed!

ITA, you are blessed to have loving, supportive parents.

 

[Bunny77]

Shinka, thank you for your post. It was awesome.

Okay, now... VERY long post ahead...

I know I kind of touched on this earlier in this thread, but what you said makes me feel the need to expound on this. I am very bothered by the fact that so many of us young Christian singles have had the same experience -- one that I feel is often negative -- when we have reached out to our elders regarding the subject of marriage.

I know this is the Christian forum, but I think it needs to be mentioned that if this thread was being read by members of other Abrahamic faiths (Judaism and Islam), they would look at it like it was some type of two-headed monster. Actually, if this discussion was taking place in Christian circles say, 50 years ago, people would be absolutely baffled that "getting married" was being discussed in this manner.

The idea of asking God if one is supposed to marry or the idea of telling a young woman of marriage age that marriage might not be God's will for her has NO historical or cultural currency and until maybe about 50 years ago, it had no religious currency either.

Marriage has always been seen as a natural, expected and obligatory part of transitioning into adulthood. Basically, you were born, you experienced childhood, you went to school, you became an adult, you got married and you had children. End of discussion. (Sometimes you got married before you became an adult.)

This was not up for debate and this was not something that families, communities OR religious institutions left up to chance. All of these groups recognized that marriage provided the foundation for their societies, and that marriage and family were the vehicles in which cultures reinforced and passed down their traditions and ways of life. Marriage also provided protection for women, and part of a parent's DUTY was to make sure that their children, ESPECIALLY their daughters, married well. If their daughters were unmarried by a certain age, THEY were seen as being neglectful of their duties as parents... and if their sons remained unmarried, they were seen as immature, underdeveloped beings who were thwarting their calling as men to take a wife and raise children.

I find it very interesting reading posts from some of our members of other faiths or cultures in the OT forum. They did not go through life wondering if they were going to be married. They knew that they would, and if it took them "too long" to be married, then their families would step in and make sure that they found a man for them to marry. There was no such thing as wondering if it was God's will or having to ask God if they were supposed to be single or how they could remain content alone. That would be considered a ludicrous idea. Of COURSE she was going to get married, unless there was some very extraordinary reason that she wouldn't be.

Indian parents in the US put personal ads for their kids in newspapers. A group of Muslim families in California are planning parties to bring their children together to meet for marriage, because they found that word of mouth wasn't working in their small community. Jewish families see matchmakers when their kids remain unmarried too long -- the matchmaker has had a revered place in Jewish tradition throughout history. Some African sistas I know (who are Christian) said that if they wanted to get married, they could call an auntie right now and be married by the end of the week. Families, friends, communities, CHURCHES (temples, mosques, whatever) ALL work together to ensure that the children of their group marry well because they recognize the primacy of marriage as the proven way to ensure their legacy, way of life and provide stability for the community.

Meanwhile, many of us in Protestant Christian denominations over the last 50 years can't seem to find the forest for the trees. I almost expect 1 Corinthians 7 to be unleashed during these discussions as the "proof" that not all are meant to be married and that one should learn contentment in singleness. My belief is that the passage was originally used by churches to provide hope for singles once cultural values began shifting from expected marriage to this "whatever" attitude, but now, folks wield it like a weapon. 1 Corininthians 7 has been in existence since the beginning of Christendom, but obviously, it was not being used up until this very recent era to provide a possible argument against marriage for women who find themselves single longer than expected.

It is a shame that too many young Christian women who seek help in the marriage arena are given the run-around by her own family members and church leaders, while I know my Jewish friends can seek a rabbi's help and he/she will get to work instantly in helping them find a husband and my Muslim friends can do the same with their Imams. The Mormons and Catholics and certain other Christians I know also will have a network of people working on their behalf to ensure that they marry.

It is no accident and no coincidence that the groups of people with the most stable communities in the United States are the ones that place a high emphasis on marriage. It is also no accident that the communities in the most turmoil in the United States are the ones that do NOT stress marriage and do not work as groups to ensure that their younger members marry well.

History -- including Biblical history -- firmly falls on the side of marriage. Nearly every major religion including Christianity also falls firmly on the side of marriage. This has been true since the beginning of history and remains true today, despite the fact that man has complicated something that has always been very simple and a normal part of maturity.

 

[Ms.Honey]

Shinka, thank you for your beautiful post. You broke it down sweetie, you may be young in age, but you are not young in spirit.

I have a question for the ladies who have a church they attend regularly. I think FoxyScholar touched on it briefly in her testimony. How do you look at the older women in your church who are not married? The ladies who are say 50 and older. Why do you believe they never married? Do you admire them as much as you do the married women? Do you believe they did something wrong or never alligned themselves with God? Have you ever spoken to them to see their thoughts? Do you believe they were just unlucky in love? I am just curious. Do the women seem to be fulfilled and satisfied with their lives? Do you think they still will get married some day?

Most of the sisters past 40 that I know in my church who are single were once married, divorced and decided not to remarry and enjoy an uninterrupted time of fellowship with the Lord. They say they don't feel lonely and a BIG part of it is that they don't want to have to answer to, be submitted to a husband EVER again, been there done that They want to go when they want to, buy what they want to buy without having to check with a man first. Most had children and divorced before getting saved.
A few never married and don't want to because of the above They say they don't feel like they are missing out on anything. One does want to remarry and is currently fellowshipping with someone. They have children.
One of my girlfriends from church told me the Lord told her that she couldn't remarry. She has 2 children.
One sister is widowed and said she wasn't ready to stop being Mrs. So and So. I think it's been about 15 years since her DH passed. They don't have children.
I have another girlfriend at church who is my age 42 and has decided not to marry because of the submitting thing. Once she got her flesh under submission she was like, "Naw, that's ok. I'll stick to fellowshipping." She has no children.
One sister was divorced before salvation. She got saved joined the church was doing good and then entered into an ungodly relationship. She married without the benefit of premarital class, rejected warnings from me and others, even some ministers and married anyway. She and her DH divorced a few years back and she returned to our church. I don't know if the Lord will allow her to remarry or if she even wants to. She has one child.

 

[kayte]

Ancillary...another viewpoint on to be Content to be Alone


Life-coaching tip on finding true love:

"Fall in Love with Your Life" --

Fall in love with yourself first. Create a life that is so rich and full and wonderful, you won't care if you're partnered right now or not (that alone is an attractor) and your rich, full, wonderful life will draw all sorts of interesting people (Ms. or Mr. Right among them) into your world.
Victoria Moran..


IMHO....
"won't care" = euphemism for....you won't be upset or you won't mind ...
and I would also add..fall in love with God first......and then one's SELF

 

[TrendySocialite]

I'm lost

like I'm not sure what your even defending from my post now-I never said any of this wasnt good, I never said anything about any of this at all

I said I understood you and your points, so whats left to defend or explain? I get it

I'm not defending simply responding to the part where you said about walking in love. And all I'm saying is that just because we don't agree with some points doesn't mean I don't walk in love. Not saying that you said that, but simply stating it....

 

[TrendySocialite]

Shinka, thank you for your beautiful post. You broke it down sweetie, you may be young in age, but you are not young in spirit.

I have a question for the ladies who have a church they attend regularly. I think FoxyScholar touched on it briefly in her testimony. How do you look at the older women in your church who are not married? The ladies who are say 50 and older. Why do you believe they never married? Do you admire them as much as you do the married women? Do you believe they did something wrong or never alligned themselves with God? Have you ever spoken to them to see their thoughts? Do you believe they were just unlucky in love? I am just curious. Do the women seem to be fulfilled and satisfied with their lives? Do you think they still will get married some day?

There really are no women in my church that have never been married. They are either divorced or widowers. I know of a couple of women in the community that have never married. They said it was their choice and it wasn't from a lack of suitors.

Celibacy and/or being single is also a spiritual gift for some, not just a current season in their lives.. There are people that I believe are equipped by God to not be married. Do I think they are anymore gifted than I am to have a full and vibrant single life? No, not really. But I think my understanding is that the desire isn't even really there either.

 

[TrendySocialite]

Shinka, thank you for your post. It was awesome.

Okay, now... VERY long post ahead...

I know I kind of touched on this earlier in this thread, but what you said makes me feel the need to expound on this. I am very bothered by the fact that so many of us young Christian singles have had the same experience -- one that I feel is often negative -- when we have reached out to our elders regarding the subject of marriage.

I know this is the Christian forum, but I think it needs to be mentioned that if this thread was being read by members of other Abrahamic faiths (Judaism and Islam), they would look at it like it was some type of two-headed monster. Actually, if this discussion was taking place in Christian circles say, 50 years ago, people would be absolutely baffled that "getting married" was being discussed in this manner.

The idea of asking God if one is supposed to marry or the idea of telling a young woman of marriage age that marriage might not be God's will for her has NO historical or cultural currency and until maybe about 50 years ago, it had no religious currency either.

Marriage has always been seen as a natural, expected and obligatory part of transitioning into adulthood. Basically, you were born, you experienced childhood, you went to school, you became an adult, you got married and you had children. End of discussion. (Sometimes you got married before you became an adult.)

This was not up for debate and this was not something that families, communities OR religious institutions left up to chance. All of these groups recognized that marriage provided the foundation for their societies, and that marriage and family were the vehicles in which cultures reinforced and passed down their traditions and ways of life. Marriage also provided protection for women, and part of a parent's DUTY was to make sure that their children, ESPECIALLY their daughters, married well. If their daughters were unmarried by a certain age, THEY were seen as being neglectful of their duties as parents... and if their sons remained unmarried, they were seen as immature, underdeveloped beings who were thwarting their calling as men to take a wife and raise children.

I find it very interesting reading posts from some of our members of other faiths or cultures in the OT forum. They did not go through life wondering if they were going to be married. They knew that they would, and if it took them "too long" to be married, then their families would step in and make sure that they found a man for them to marry. There was no such thing as wondering if it was God's will or having to ask God if they were supposed to be single or how they could remain content alone. That would be considered a ludicrous idea. Of COURSE she was going to get married, unless there was some very extraordinary reason that she wouldn't be.

Indian parents in the US put personal ads for their kids in newspapers. A group of Muslim families in California are planning parties to bring their children together to meet for marriage, because they found that word of mouth wasn't working in their small community. Jewish families see matchmakers when their kids remain unmarried too long -- the matchmaker has had a revered place in Jewish tradition throughout history. Some African sistas I know (who are Christian) said that if they wanted to get married, they could call an auntie right now and be married by the end of the week. Families, friends, communities, CHURCHES (temples, mosques, whatever) ALL work together to ensure that the children of their group marry well because they recognize the primacy of marriage as the proven way to ensure their legacy, way of life and provide stability for the community.

Meanwhile, many of us in Protestant Christian denominations over the last 50 years can't seem to find the forest for the trees. I almost expect 1 Corinthians 7 to be unleashed during these discussions as the "proof" that not all are meant to be married and that one should learn contentment in singleness. My belief is that the passage was originally used by churches to provide hope for singles once cultural values began shifting from expected marriage to this "whatever" attitude, but now, folks wield it like a weapon. 1 Corininthians 7 has been in existence since the beginning of Christendom, but obviously, it was not being used up until this very recent era to provide a possible argument against marriage for women who find themselves single longer than expected.

It is a shame that too many young Christian women who seek help in the marriage arena are given the run-around by her own family members and church leaders, while I know my Jewish friends can seek a rabbi's help and he/she will get to work instantly in helping them find a husband and my Muslim friends can do the same with their Imams. The Mormons and Catholics and certain other Christians I know also will have a network of people working on their behalf to ensure that they marry.

It is no accident and no coincidence that the groups of people with the most stable communities in the United States are the ones that place a high emphasis on marriage. It is also no accident that the communities in the most turmoil in the United States are the ones that do NOT stress marriage and do not work as groups to ensure that their younger members marry well.

History -- including Biblical history -- firmly falls on the side of marriage. Nearly every major religion including Christianity also falls firmly on the side of marriage. This has been true since the beginning of history and remains true today, despite the fact that man has complicated something that has always been very simple and a normal part of maturity.

I completely and totally agree with this....

I think more often than not your experiences really color how you see marriage. For me, all I've seen is marriage, so I expect that to be a part of my legacy that I leave on Earth. They went through good and bad times, but I saw what a real and successful relationships looks like. My extended family (my mom's cousins) however has really struggled in this area. I am hard pressed to find a successful relationship, let alone marriage, in that family. And that has been passed on to their children (who are my age). I feel that unless you are conscious about breaking any negative patterns, it can become a generational cycle.