To Be Content Alone

[TrendySocialite]

I've been in church my entire life. I was the "church girl" amongst my friends. I say that to say I've seen a lot growing up and my parents did a good job in balancing me out between church and other activities. It was no question that I was going to go to college and all that. I also grew up in a home with two loving married parents and clearly expected to be married and happy and all that.

My first memory of noticing singles as church is when I was about 17-18 years old and I recall an announcement for the singles at church to meet for a meeting. I wasn't going to the meeting but I recall passing by the pews where the singles were sitting and most of them (mostly women) did not look happy. Their faces looked absent, or mean, or sad, or... I don't know. But right then I thought "I DO NOT want to look or be that way".

So fast forward to the church I've attended pretty much my whole adult life and I noticed two things: 1) the way the church treated the single people: like they were not complete. The singles did not seem to get the same level of attention or position. And 2) the way some of the singles looked themselves: down, looked like they were barely hanging on. I think some of the singles that did look relatively happy were getting some on the side look....

From what I can tell, it seemed that most of the single women had been married and divorced or widowed, or that they had never been married but had relationships and either the relationships broke up when they got saved or they simply didn't work out. Some of these women have been married more than once.

I think some of them get fulfillment in a variety of ways, like we all should, but there's that longing for companionship. I long for companionship, too. There may be some younger women who look at me and don't want to "end up like me", either. That makes me very sad because I have a wonderful life and have so many opportunities. It makes me feel like I am deficient or inadequate. Even reading some of these posts and even on this board. Like because I've reached this certain age and I'm not yet married that I must be a mutant or worse, unworthy of marriage. That's why I have to be very careful to make sure to lift up my eyes unto the hills. From whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord, Creator of heaven and earth.

There was one particular thread that cut me very deep on this point...that I should be ashamed that my parents contribute to my life at this age. If only they knew the whole story...my Good Lord....

Wow I'm sorry to hear that. I'm extremely close to my parents and they are an integral part of my life. But the longer I live the more I realize that there are quite a few people who have really bad relationships with their parents. I have no concept of not talking to my parents for over a week, let alone weeks or months.

That's truly a shame....

 

[hopeful]

Bunny: You are soooo smart. I loved your post.

Ms.Honey, Thanks for you reply about the single women in your church, that was very enlightening.

Ancillary...another viewpoint on to be Content to be Alone


Life-coaching tip on finding true love:

"Fall in Love with Your Life" --

Fall in love with yourself first. Create a life that is so rich and full and wonderful, you won't care if you're partnered right now or not (that alone is an attractor) and your rich, full, wonderful life will draw all sorts of interesting people (Ms. or Mr. Right among them) into your world.
Victoria Moran..


IMHO....
"won't care" = euphemism for....you won't be upset or you won't mind ...
and I would also add..fall in love with God first......and then one's SELF

I think this is interesting. But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

At church today my minister spoke about marriage and how husbands and wives should communicate--it was a beautiful service. He said that people need to understand that marriage is not just about sex and companionship that it is also a ministry, that in a good marriage husbands and wives minister to each other and help each other heal from whatever is wounded within them. My point is that some couples come together to heal, so their deepest healing and fullest life comes from their union (they cannot do it alone).

 

[TrendySocialite]

Bunny: You are soooo smart. I loved your post.

Ms.Honey, Thanks for you reply about the single women in your church, that was very enlightening.



I think this is interesting. But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

At church today my minister spoke about marriage and how husbands and wives should communicate--it was a beautiful service. He said that people need to understand that marriage is not just about sex and companionship that it is also a ministry, that in a good marriage husbands and wives minister to each other and help each other heal from whatever is wounded within them. My point is that some couples come together to heal so without each other their deepest healing and fullest life comes from their union (they cannot do it alone).

I agree with this....

 

[inthepink]

It's all so confusing.

You're told to keep busy so you won't think about being single and hopefully in one of those activities maybe you'll meet someone.

Then you're told, don't be so busy that you don't have time to date.

It just seems singles are never doing the right thing.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny: You are soooo smart. I loved your post.

Ms.Honey, Thanks for you reply about the single women in your church, that was very enlightening.



I think this is interesting. But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

At church today my minister spoke about marriage and how husbands and wives should communicate--it was a beautiful service. He said that people need to understand that marriage is not just about sex and companionship that it is also a ministry, that in a good marriage husbands and wives minister to each other and help each other heal from whatever is wounded within them. My point is that some couples come together to heal so without each other their deepest healing and fullest life comes from their union (they cannot do it alone).

Aww... thanks.

Regarding living a full life... one of my favorite writers on this subject, Candice Watters, frequently talks about this and hits on exactly your point as well.

She wrote...

"Even women who deeply desire marriage find themselves pouring themselves into their life as a single woman with little thought or planning for their future as a married one. They're hard at work on their careers and financial goals--their "Plan B" as many call it--just in case Plan A is delayed or never happens. It's understandable, and in our culture, praised, to make the most of your singleness. The problem is that Plan A requires moving toward oneness--interdependence--with another person in marriage. Plan B finds you becoming increasingly independent so you don't need another person. It's easy to see how actively investing in B could undermine A. (p.139)"


I've thought about this a lot. I definitely encourage singles to live a full life as well (and I do), but I've stepped back from a few things and been more thoughtful about ways I fill my free time. I ask myself in these situations, "Am I adding this activity JUST to fill a void? Will adding this take away from time that I could be spending cultivating relationships?"

I also notice that women who lecture/write/preach often about living an awesome and amazing single life "in the meantime" often stay single.

To me, I can't help but think that one is influencing the other without them realizing this.

 

[Bunny77]

It's all so confusing.

You're told to keep busy so you won't think about being single and hopefully in one of those activities maybe you'll meet someone.

Then you're told, don't be so busy that you don't have time to date.

It just seems singles are never doing the right thing.

Here's what I think you should do. Seek out activities that you enjoy, where it doesn't seem like you're just "keeping busy" to keep busy.

For example, I signed up to run a marathon to raise money for cancer research this year. This has been an excellent thing for me because it accomplishes three things.

1. I get to exercise in a way that is enjoyable for me, because I really really really like running.
2. I am working for a good cause and feel good that my fundraising will help others.
3. I get to meet other people for friendship, and our group has social outings in addition to running.

By the time this is over (late June), I will leave it having been enriched in multiple ways by the process, and hopefully, I will have made some wonderful new friends (men and women). Now, do I think that maybe I might meet someone with mate potential through this? Absolutely! But if I don't, that's okay because my main goal in this is completing the marathon. This activity won't keep me too busy to date and it won't isolate me either from meeting new people.

Hope that helps.

 

[hopeful]

^^^Very interesting Bunny. For years I've heard people say a man can't complete you and you need to be whole first etc. But my husband and I did complete each other. It was as though he was my gift from God to help heal the broken pieces in my soul. And I've healed so much in him as well through the years.

 

[Ms.Honey]

Bunny: You are soooo smart. I loved your post.

Ms.Honey, Thanks for you reply about the single women in your church, that was very enlightening.



I think this is interesting. But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

At church today my minister spoke about marriage and how husbands and wives should communicate--it was a beautiful service. He said that people need to understand that marriage is not just about sex and companionship that it is also a ministry, that in a good marriage husbands and wives minister to each other and help each other heal from whatever is wounded within them. My point is that some couples come together to heal so without each other their deepest healing and fullest life comes from their union (they cannot do it alone).

Marriage is definitely a ministry. It is a lot of hard work.
I love my husband but he does not complete me, he does not heal me and he does not make my life fulfilling nor do I do these things for my DH. That's Jesus' job. DH and I experience these blessings through each other because of each others personal relationship with Jesus. I benefit from his with Him and he is a benefactor of mine with Him. If DH and I were to divorce, Jesus would STILL provide the same things but by a different method. If I had never married Jesus would STILL do these things for me.

I think alot of women confuse the work of the Lord THROUGH their husbands as the work OF their husbands and vice versa. I also think that a lot of singles confuse the longing for the Lord as the longing for a husband. Dh is just the vessel the Lord chose to use because I was already married and vice versa. I love him but he does not complete me because he CAN NOT complete me, only Jesus is able to do that. I really am complete in Him.

Many women are content in their single lives and do not want to marry, some do. Some are divorced or widowed and do not want to remarry and some do, still content. Many women have been told by the Lord that they are not to marry for various reasons and STILL live content lives. Many women are content in their married lives.

The point of the initial prayer was no matter what state you're currently in, be content. Gain ever little ounce and drop out of that state before you progress to the next or you'll end up longing for the last state.

 

[Ms.Honey]

It's all so confusing.

You're told to keep busy so you won't think about being single and hopefully in one of those activities maybe you'll meet someone.

Then you're told, don't be so busy that you don't have time to date.

It just seems singles are never doing the right thing.

God has a plan for your life, a specific plan. Your plan is not the same as mine and mine is not the same as yours that's why it's important to ask God what does HE wants for your life.

You don't have to forget about being single. There is nothing wrong with being single. For some reason some folks think it's a lesser state of being that needs to be departed in order to be happy and fulfilled and it's not. You can be fulfilled, content and enjoy your life if you remain single for the rest of your life and you can be fulfilled, content and enjoy your life if you remain married, separated, divorced or widowed for the rest of your life. No state is better than the other and no state is worse. But whatever state you are in learn to be content.

 

[kayte]

I But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

it's all about BALANCE..PRIORITIES AND MEN WHO ARE UNDERSTANDING
AND SUPPORTIVE

You're told to keep busy so you won't think about being single and hopefully in one of those activities maybe you'll meet someone.
Then you're told, don't be so busy that you don't have time to date.
It just seems singles are never doing the right thing.

don't be discouraged..you have to set your own standards and barometer
trying to live by the world's compass or expectation is ..*&^&^%
living in harmony with God ..helps me stay balanced and anticipating..moreof life

I get so excited about my life I don't want to go to bed! that's being involved fully in one's world very very different than "keeping busy"

My point is that some couples come together to heal so without each other their deepest healing and fullest life comes from their union (they cannot do it alone).

I disagree... I think this is a dangerous premise

Even women who deeply desire marriage find themselves pouring themselves into their life as a single woman with little thought or planning for their future as a married one. They're hard at work on their careers and financial goals--their "Plan B" as many call it--just in case Plan A is delayed or never happens. It's understandable, and in our culture, praised, to make the most of your singleness. The problem is that Plan A requires moving toward oneness--interdependence--with another person in marriage. Plan B finds you becoming increasingly independent so you don't need another person. It's easy to see how actively investing in B could undermine A. (p.139)"

I think this is not a fair composite ..it's a biased sketch of
one type of woman....

any energy that dominates all else to the point of
exclusion of all else is also NOT healthy

this represents only one type of woman among many single types of women

I've thought about this a lot. I definitely encourage singles to live a full life as well (and I do), but I've stepped back from a few things and been more thoughtful about ways I fill my free time. I ask myself in these situations, "Am I adding this activity JUST to fill a void? Will adding this take away from time that I could be spending cultivating relationships?"

filling a void is something no one should do....single or married..

There's a misconception about what leading a full life means
and the notion that being autononmous as woman precludes
or is an obstacle in the desire or capacity for a couplehood is false
Love of God, a balanced full life love of self which includes
relationships... solitude.... enterprise ....ambition etc etc
opens opportunities...not ..blocks them

I found the most times I was engaged in meaningful relationships
was not on the internet ...I do that as one means to access guys
while I am still in seclusion... but leading/living my life...
.... men ..who were also leading involved happy lives...interesected with me naturally..organically...

it's been harder for me personally because my father died
and I've had a harder time being out there ...
but that is my truth
when I am happy balanced ..in my element..autonomous...
the men can't stay away..

autonomy doesn't mean I cant love...it doesnt mean I am not capable of receiving love
or opening..to the idea of marriage
what it does mean.... is that I have greater capacity to make room in my life
because I attended to caring for me first and set the bar to be treated accordingly ...


for the record Victoria Moran is an author with an impressive track record of several inspirational books... is a speaker and guested on Oprah..

and I happen to know her personally.

She's featured hired as the new Life Coach with her online blog
on Beliefnet...

she was living in Kansas
and had ambitious dreams that I had the privilege of watching come to
fruition so yah! she's a role model
one of those autonomous spritual strong ambitious
women that I aspire after

I also notice that women who lecture/write/preach often about living an awesome and amazing single life "in the meantime" often stay single.

and
she did not stay single...
she's married..

Fall in love with yourself first. Create a life that is so rich and full and wonderful, you won't care if you're partnered right now or not (that alone is an attractor) and your rich, full, wonderful life will draw all sorts of interesting people (Ms. or Mr. Right among them) into your world.
Victoria Moran..

she knows what she's talking about

 

[aribell]

Hey.

To further explain myself, I do believe the part that I put in bold.

I know that there are differing opinions on God and free will out there... mine is that while God's will reigns supreme, He will not force it on you if you choose otherwise, but you will reap the consequences of your decision if it's outside His will. You will miss out on God's best for you.

In turn, your decision can negatively affect others. To me, this explains a lot of situations as to why innocent people throughout history (including Biblical history) who have done no wrong in said matters also suffer... they are the victims of others' free will.

I do believe that one main reason that we are even having this discussion in the first place is because our culture has rejected God's will for marriage, thus making many men and women less marriage-minded, and that effect has trickled down to women (and some men) who have been raised to believe in marriage and desire it -- women who years ago would have likely been married by now.

I believe in praying that God's will be done and affirmed in such circumstances, whatever the issue may be, that God's will will be restored in our lives despite the poor choices that others around us have made.

Hi. : ) I think the bolded makes a particularly good point that gets to the heart of why it is we are able to pray in faith believing the the Lord will grant our request for a husband, since His power is for the miraculous, for making deserts blossom and manna fall from heaven. If need be, He can make a godly man fall from heaven as well.

As long as Christian women (and particularly black Christian women) don't look at the problems in society and all the bad statistics and start thinking that that somehow means that it's "less likely" that they get married, then we can be mindful of negative patterns without becoming discouraged by them. I think if an individual Christian woman seeks the Lord's will over her life and makes her requests known to Him, while making wise and healthy decisions, then nothing that is going on in society is going to matter ultimately. He's either going to answer that prayer or He will not.

But, like the quote says, we do have to be mindful of the ways in which we are acting contrary to marriage and participating in a system set against it, otherwise we'll just continue to be a part of the problem.

 

[Bunny77]

Hi. : ) I think the bolded makes a particularly good point that gets to the heart of why it is we are able to pray in faith believing the the Lord will grant our request for a husband, since His power is for the miraculous, for making deserts blossom and manna fall from heaven. If need be, He can make a godly man fall from heaven as well.

As long as Christian women (and particularly black Christian women) don't look at the problems in society and all the bad statistics and start thinking that that somehow means that it's "less likely" that they get married, then we can be mindful of negative patterns without becoming discouraged by them. I think if an individual Christian woman seeks the Lord's will over her life and makes her requests known to Him, while making wise and healthy decisions, then nothing that is going on in society is going to matter ultimately. He's either going to answer that prayer or He will not.

But, like the quote says, we do have to be mindful of the ways in which we are acting contrary to marriage and participating in a system set against it, otherwise we'll just continue to be a part of the problem.

Hey, you said it better than I did!

 

[kayte]

you need to be whole first etc.

completely believe this
for me

 

[PaperClip]

When I was about 17-18 years old, I loved myself so much. I was a First Class Brat and my life was great! I was on my way to college. Confident, had a good, solid upbringing, looking forward to life. First semester of college, met my first love... yeah, he broke my heart in the end but it was my smile and personality that won him over. And when he first started pursuing me, it was so fun and I was having a great time just hanging out with him and other college classmates....

BTW: I did tell my first love that I wanted to wait until marriage before sex. He said he could wait... maybe it was too big of a promise.... maybe he really tried to keep it but he couldn't hold out. He was only 19 years old and not saved....

But I digress....

But then I gave my life over to the Lord fully and wanted to live for the Lord and I did for a time... but then the pressure started about marriage. I had graduated from undergrad. Wasn't interested in getting married at 22, 23 years old. But then the pressure started... it was very subtle at first. I had been dating but the guys I was dating were not in the church. The church guys bored me because they were not at my level of intellect (no diss, just being honest) or they were already married. This church didn't have that many single brothers (sigh). And the guys in the world I was dating liked me but the no-sex thing deterred them from pursuing anything.

This same pattern continued over the years. The pressure mounted. I didn't know how to fix it or change it. The church said "honor the Lord. Be found in the church doing the work of the Lord". And that's what I did. I thought my husband would walk up to me and say "here I am!".... But that didn't happen... and the pressure... and the disappointment... and the let-downs... and the food.... I couldn't stop the downward spiral....

So I posted my testimony upthread. I'm in the rebuilding stage. I'll graduate with my doctorate this summer/fall and applying for university professorships ACROSS THE GLOBE.... I'm on my way to LIVING AGAIN.... And allowing the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me and position me where I (the good thing that I am) can be found. And in between my studies, I am going places and doing things and getting a little bit of fun in. And yet the Lord's thoughts of me are good (Jeremiah 29:11).

I NOW recognize that I had to sacrifice (part of) my social life for my academics. That's one reason I say this time has not been unproductive. I've got something to show and I've gote something (big) to bring to the table. Me. I've got a lot going on for good.... Glory to God....

 

[kayte]

When I was about 17-18 years old, I loved myself so much. I was a First Class Brat

But I digress....

digress?
totally lovely lady

Foxy ..re-read what I said....Falling in Love with God and self
I know that's what the author meant

narcissim and ego and adolescence are VERY different than what's being stated
quote my post...lol...but please not out of context

 

[aribell]

About single church women:

I can recall only one woman who I believe had never been married (aside from all the nuns who used to teach me) and I think that in the context of that church and how I knew her, I think as a child I assumed that she had made a decision to be single, that it was a vocation of hers. She was not a nice person, though, and for some reason when I was young I associated that with her singleness.

I know another woman not in my church, though she does attend one, who is approaching 50 and has never been married, though she is currently in a good relationship. She is a friend of my mothers, and I'll admit that it just seemed somewhat odd to me. There was always that question, "Well why didn't anything ever work out for her? What's wrong?," since she was looking for a good relationship. That was probably unfair, but it was from the perspective of a young person.

I think this is interesting. But sometimes I wonder can you create such a full, rich life that you have little room for romance and the compromises that come with a relationship? You are doing all of these wonderful things and have all of these wonderful relationships...Could it be possible that there is no room left for a man? Just thinking out loud because I always tell people to try to live fully too.

I'm learning that you have to prioritize relationships, just like everything else. I've always been one to say that I'm too busy right now, and even when I stopped saying I'm too busy and said I'd make room, I really am too busy anyway. You can have a busy mentality even if you are constantly surrounded by people. It is possible to be surrounded day and night with eligible men but not be in the right frame of mind to develop anything with them. If you're only really present to your schedule and your exciting full life, then you can miss just being present to the people around you and not develop those relationships that lead to something.

That's my lesson at least.

 

[kayte]

Originally Posted by kayte
Ancillary...another viewpoint on to be Content to be Alone

Life-coaching tip on finding true love:

"Fall in Love with Your Life" --

Fall in love with yourself first. Create a life that is so rich and full and wonderful, you won't care if you're partnered right now or not (that alone is an attractor) and your rich, full, wonderful life will draw all sorts of interesting people (Ms. or Mr. Right among them) into your world.
Victoria Moran..


IMHO....
"won't care" = euphemism for....you won't be upset or you won't mind ...
and I would also add..fall in love with God first......and then one's SELF

 

[PaperClip]

I FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH MYSELF (and with THE LORD) BECAUSE I ALLOWED THE CHURCH AND SOCIETY TO MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE AND DEFICIENT BECAUSE I WASN'T MARRIED AND WHEN I DID WHAT THE CHURCH AND SOCIETY AND EVERYBODY ELSE TOLD ME TO DO IN ORDER TO GET MARRIED AND THAT DIDN'T WORK EITHER, THAT ONLY MADE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE AND I WAS SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE!

And all of the above impacted my relationship with the Lord.... I had begun kicking God and church to the curb. But He didn't let that happen. So the rebuilding includes rebuilding my relationship with the Lord and seeing myself in a new way... the true way that the Lord sees me.


(all caps because I'm SHOUTING out of frustration of being MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN!!!!!)

***plus I had a bad day at church and I did something really bad and I feel so guilty and I need to be studying RIGHT NOW and everything is seeming to pile up***

 

[kayte]

all caps because I'm SHOUTING out of frustration of being MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN!!!!!)

***plus I had a bad day at church and I did something really bad and I feel so guilty and I need to be studying RIGHT NOW and everything is seeming to pile up***

I heard it all the way in NY!!!!
we sometimes forget emails are ripe to make misunderstanding easy
it'll be okay....

Ok... the online care package for you
All for you....beloved....
:blowkiss:

 

[hopeful]

FoxyScholar . Have a good night's sleep and a wonderful week. I completely got your point. I remember my freshman year in college as well, ahh good times, good times.

ETA: I've really enjoyed talking with you ladies. Got a busy week next week so I probably won't be back to post much in this thread. To all the single ladies: I send you much love and pray you meet the one who makes your heart soar. All of you are so lovely.

 

[kayte]

BECAUSE I ALLOWED THE CHURCH AND SOCIETY TO MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE AND DEFICIENT BECAUSE I WASN'T MARRIED AND WHEN I DID WHAT THE CHURCH AND SOCIETY AND EVERYBODY ELSE TOLD ME TO DO IN ORDER TO GET MARRIED AND THAT DIDN'T WORK EITHER, THAT ONLY MADE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE AND I WAS SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE!

and it's turned around...
you are very courageous....thank you for sharing

 

[discobiscuits]

*whispers stop yelling* FS, who misunderstood you? I know that I didn't & I'm usually the 1st one who would(LOL). I'm just glad that you did not give into the pressure and discouragement and let it kill you. Congrats on the doctorate.

 

[PaperClip]

*whispers stop yelling* FS, who misunderstood you? I know that I didn't & I'm usually the 1st one who would(LOL). I'm just glad that you did not give into the pressure and discouragement and let it kill you. Congrats on the doctorate.

my apologies... apologies all around.... been VERY transparent in this thread. I need to practice restraint.

Appreciate the patience from everyone.

Peace.....

 

[discobiscuits]

***plus I had a bad day at church and I did something really bad and I feel so guilty and I need to be studying RIGHT NOW and everything is seeming to pile up***

whoops I missed that! hhmmmmm repent, relax, relate, release....LOL *sorry* trying to make u laugh go study u need to for the doctorate!

 

[Mis007]

God has a plan for your life, a specific plan. Your plan is not the same as mine and mine is not the same as yours that's why it's important to ask God what does HE wants for your life.

You don't have to forget about being single. There is nothing wrong with being single. For some reason some folks think it's a lesser state of being that needs to be departed in order to be happy and fulfilled and it's not. You can be fulfilled, content and enjoy your life if you remain single for the rest of your life and you can be fulfilled, content and enjoy your life if you remain married, separated, divorced or widowed for the rest of your life. No state is better than the other and no state is worse. But whatever state you are in learn to be content.

I am fulfilled and content in my single state, so I can just imagine what my married state would be like...

Shinka, thank you for your post. It was awesome.

Okay, now... VERY long post ahead...

I know I kind of touched on this earlier in this thread, but what you said makes me feel the need to expound on this. I am very bothered by the fact that so many of us young Christian singles have had the same experience -- one that I feel is often negative -- when we have reached out to our elders regarding the subject of marriage.

I know this is the Christian forum, but I think it needs to be mentioned that if this thread was being read by members of other Abrahamic faiths (Judaism and Islam), they would look at it like it was some type of two-headed monster. Actually, if this discussion was taking place in Christian circles say, 50 years ago, people would be absolutely baffled that "getting married" was being discussed in this manner.

The idea of asking God if one is supposed to marry or the idea of telling a young woman of marriage age that marriage might not be God's will for her has NO historical or cultural currency and until maybe about 50 years ago, it had no religious currency either.

Marriage has always been seen as a natural, expected and obligatory part of transitioning into adulthood. Basically, you were born, you experienced childhood, you went to school, you became an adult, you got married and you had children. End of discussion. (Sometimes you got married before you became an adult.)

This was not up for debate and this was not something that families, communities OR religious institutions left up to chance. All of these groups recognized that marriage provided the foundation for their societies, and that marriage and family were the vehicles in which cultures reinforced and passed down their traditions and ways of life. Marriage also provided protection for women, and part of a parent's DUTY was to make sure that their children, ESPECIALLY their daughters, married well. If their daughters were unmarried by a certain age, THEY were seen as being neglectful of their duties as parents... and if their sons remained unmarried, they were seen as immature, underdeveloped beings who were thwarting their calling as men to take a wife and raise children.

I find it very interesting reading posts from some of our members of other faiths or cultures in the OT forum. They did not go through life wondering if they were going to be married. They knew that they would, and if it took them "too long" to be married, then their families would step in and make sure that they found a man for them to marry. There was no such thing as wondering if it was God's will or having to ask God if they were supposed to be single or how they could remain content alone. That would be considered a ludicrous idea. Of COURSE she was going to get married, unless there was some very extraordinary reason that she wouldn't be.


Yes I reside in a perdominatly Jewish community, there is no discussion about whether they will get married they will marry...

 

[TrendySocialite]

my apologies... apologies all around.... been VERY transparent in this thread. I need to practice restraint.

Appreciate the patience from everyone.

Peace.....

I'm a PK and I relate to your sentiments more than you can possibly know!

 

[kayte]

I completely got your point.I remember my freshman year in college as well, ahh good times, good times.

I get the idea of early years or stages in our lives existing and having a unique voice in a woman’s development!

I’m confused what that has to do with what the author is referring to in the here and now.. a mature balanced woman living a joyous full life and as a by product of that, fosters an environment to committed married love...
these are very encouraging words..from a woman who has "walked her talk"

If you asked yourself what loving yourself meant at eight years old ..it’s probably going to be a lot different than what the author is referring to…n.o.w
And while earlier life experiences coalesce they don’t necessarily correlate ...which is what I mean by context....

It’s not even like comparing apples and oranges..it’s more like comparing
Apples and say….a Big Mac

while maybe our paths diverge on what resonates for us as single women in idea of marriage...

pray you meet the one who makes your heart soar

Standing in agreement

 

[Ms.Honey]

Ok, now that we've discussed the plight of unsaved women, historical marriage and marriages of women of other gods etc. let's talk about the people called after HIS name. I know women who have said the Lord has told them NOT to marry. I personally know of a few who say He has told them no. Are they lying on Jesus? Why would they lie on God about a something "promised" to all people?

And since as it has been said here that we are all Christians, what about the thousands upon thousands of Catholic sisters who the Lord has called to remain unmarried? Some are moms, divorced and widowed but I believe most have never married (a Catholic sister can better answer that) are THEY lying on God?
What about sisters who never wanted to marry and those who wanted to marry but never have children but the Lord instructed them to?

Be fruitful and multiply is not a promise of the Lord. That is a BLESSING of the Lord, NOT a promise of the Lord. Promises require nothing of us, we're irrelevant, that's God's work. Blessings have to be chosen. We have to choose to be married and we have to choose to be fruitful.
Marriage is NOT a promise but a BLESSING from the Lord to those who enter it according to His will. Children are a BLESSING from the Lord NOT a promise. If they were promises all mankind would receive them.

 

[Bunny77]

Ok, now that we've discussed the plight of unsaved women, historical marriage and marriages of women of other gods etc. let's talk about the people called after HIS name. I know women who have said the Lord has told them NOT to marry. I personally know of a few who say He has told them no. Are they lying on Jesus? Why would they lie on God about a something "promised" to all people?

And since as it has been said here that we are all Christians, what about the thousands upon thousands of Catholic sisters who the Lord has called to remain unmarried? Some are moms, divorced and widowed but I believe most have never married (a Catholic sister can better answer that) are THEY lying on God?
What about sisters who never wanted to marry and those who wanted to marry but never have children but the Lord instructed them to?

Be fruitful and multiply is not a promise of the Lord. That is a BLESSING of the Lord, NOT a promise of the Lord. Promises require nothing of us, we're irrelevant, that's God's work. Blessings have to be chosen. We have to choose to be married and we have to choose to be fruitful.
Marriage is NOT a promise but a BLESSING from the Lord to those who enter it according to His will. Children are a BLESSING from the Lord NOT a promise. If they were promises all mankind would receive them.

I think we all agreed that there are some people who are instructed not to marry and have heard that from the Lord.

I'm not speaking of those women.

I'm speaking of the women who have not been told that.

None of us have ever said that all people are called to marriage, but I think the number of people instructed to remain single will always be a minority.

And the "Be fruitful and multiply" statement was both a blessing and a directive.

As people called of His name, we should be setting the example in terms of encouraging marriage, not falling behind everyone else.

 

[Bunny77]

I get the idea of early years or stages in our lives existing and having a unique voice in a woman’s development!

I’m confused what that has to do with what the author is referring to in the here and now.. a mature balanced woman living a joyous full life and as a by product of that, fosters an environment to committed married love...
these are very encouraging words..from a woman who has "walked her talk"

If you asked yourself what loving yourself meant at eight years old ..it’s probably going to be a lot different than what the author is referring to…n.o.w
And while earlier life experiences coalesce they don’t necessarily correlate ...which is what I mean by context....

It’s not even like comparing apples and oranges..it’s more like comparing
Apples and say….a Big Mac

while maybe our paths diverge on what resonates for us as single women in idea of marriage...



Standing in agreement

Kayte, I understood the point of your post and of course you know we're basically in agreement. I was responding to Hopeful's question about it that presented a different perspective, but I wasn't saying that perspective was the right one either. It was just another perspective. That's all.