They Tell Me I'm Too Picky

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
To start off, I'm 40 and single. After a pretty bad relationship, I took some time to evaluate why I repeated the same relationship patterns and have really enjoyed getting to know myself. I feel stronger and grateful.

I haven't had any type of (ahem) relationship since fall 2016, and though I'm content at this stage in life, I wouldn't mind spending time with the RIGHT person.

I've had some helpful colleagues try to play matchmaker (although I didn't ask), but I haven't been impressed with their prospects and end up not calling.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DON'T THROW STONES!!!!

Today, a coworker of mine bounced into my office to tell me that the "really cute" Fedex guy asked about me and left his business card. Honestly, I flinched at the term "Fedex guy" but took the business card just to get her off my back but had no intention of calling. By lunchtime, all of the sistas in the office (all of which are married) had heard about the business card and were asking me when I was going to call this guy. I still had not even seen the business card, but they had already done their homework.

Maybe the Fedex thing is a side hustle, but according to the card he is a board member of a non profit organization that mentors young fathers, and the rhetoric of the website seems very religious. Considering that I'm not very religious and don't have or want children, this doesn't sound like a fit.

I didn't go into detail about WHY I still wasn't sold on the guy, I just said "I don't know..." This started an onslaught of "You're so stuck up... you're too picky... you're going to end up alone..." blah, blah, blah.

I never said there was ANYTHING wrong with this guy. In fact, I think he would be a GREAT catch for someone that is looking for a good Christian brother with a job and a child / children, but none of those characteristics appeal to me.

Most times I'm OK with where I am, but when so many tell me that I'm wrong for feeling what I feel or that I somehow think I'm better than someone else, I feel badly. I've resolved that I may end up unattached (I'm not certain that I really want to get married), but that certainly doesn't mean that I can't live a happy, fulfilled life. Why does that seem so odd?
 
E-hugs!

Please don’t feel bad. Remember folks make opinions, and everybody has more than one, based off what we choose/choose not to disclose. Maybe you can redirect the conversation or don’t say anything at all (don’t answer their questions, comments, etc.).

Take comfort in you’re the only one that knows your situation, your trials and tribulations, your life, etc., which shapes your wants, needs, desires, etc., and others may/will not understand.
 
I'm 29 and had a similar conversation with my friends the other day about why I would not be dating a man who made less than me. And I'd probably flinch at "Fedex guy" too. You also mentioned the religious aspect and children. It doesn't seem like a good match and it's not their life. It's YOURS.
 
Girl...

First of all, why do they even think it is a good idea for YOU to be calling HIM?

And to them telling you that you're too picky? I would have just replied "Hey...Some luxury brands never go on sale. Just because you lowered your price doesn't mean I have to. You have a good day though.." (flips hair and walks off).
 
OP, you don’t owe anybody an explanation for why you’re not interested, especially some freakin’ co-workers, who I guarantee are more interested in being up in your business than genuiniely trying to find you a good guy.

They are out of pocket, and need to cease with trying to play matchmaker since you didn’t ask for their help.

And don’t let anyone make you feel like your feelings are wrong, EVER.

Ugh, this makes me so mad. :mad:
 
Why do you have these people in your business? They shouldn't know the state of your love life. This is the only thing you've done wrong.

You sound fairly content with where you are at the moment, but they seem to think you should be desperate if they are in a frenzy over the Fedex guy leaving his card. o_O That's not even an acceptable way to ask a woman out... Tell them to mind their own business, and stop talking to them about your love life.
 
Yeah that is irritating to have people making it seem like YOU (the universal you not directed at you OP) are the problem or there is something wrong with you when you are single. I feel your pain sister. My own sister a couple of days ago asked me what I am going to do about my "situation" and I need to worry about how it looks to others that I am single at almost 40 (a huge issue in the Nigerian community). I told her I am the last one to worry about what people think about me. She didn't have much to say after that.

Like there is something wrong being picky. Any Jane, Becky, or Kim can be married. But you want quality and an ideal match and there is nothing wrong with that!! Keep waiting and do you!! I agree that redirecting the convo or being vague (ie it will happen when it will happen) could shut them up.
 
I think the only thing you can do is never share your relationship status at work. That is private information. Once you share it, people feel like they have a right to comment on it and help if they see fit.

I have an unpopular opinion on the rest of this, so I'll keep it to myself. I wish you the best!
 
Sigh... OK. I was really worried for a minute! They had me thinking that I was thinking too much! LOL

It's not like I walk around with a single sign strapped to my forehead, but I work in a very tight-knit non profit community and there are only 10 people of color within the organization, all of which are female, so it quickly becomes obvious that I'm the "single chick" when I can't relate to their conversations or show up at work events solo.

As much as I try to dispel the inquiries (sometimes I think they are well meaning), I end up getting the "You're cute, why are you single?" spiel more than I would like to count. It also seems to be really taboo to be a Southern Sista that doesn't attend church regularly or have the deep rooted desire to be "wed and bred". That's when they start inviting me to church (smile).

So... I took the card but it ended up in the trash. This is my life and who or when I date is really no one else's business.

BUT... the Southern girl in me did have that "I don't call dudes moment." If he was interested, why did he have to go through someone else? What, are we in high school? Maybe he would have earned a few more brownie points if he would have approached me directly and asked about my status / phone number. Oh well..
 
Mai Tai said:
Girl...

First of all, why do they even think it is a good idea for YOU to be calling HIM?

And to them telling you that you're too picky? I would have just replied "Hey...Some luxury brands never go on sale. Just because you lowered your price doesn't mean I have to. You have a good day though.." (flips hair and walks off).
Click to expand...

One of my thoughts exactly. My second thought was why is a married woman pressing a single woman to do anything relating to dating? Like we are orbiting two different planets and don’t come with that stale “when my husband and I were dating”. :nono:

I would pay no mind to them and keep being picky—they don’t know what the current dating scene is like so Bye Felicia. Bye.
 
TinyBlu said:
To start off, I'm 40 and single. After a pretty bad relationship, I took some time to evaluate why I repeated the same relationship patterns and have really enjoyed getting to know myself. I feel stronger and grateful.

I haven't had any type of (ahem) relationship since fall 2016, and though I'm content at this stage in life, I wouldn't mind spending time with the RIGHT person.

I've had some helpful colleagues try to play matchmaker (although I didn't ask), but I haven't been impressed with their prospects and end up not calling.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DON'T THROW STONES!!!!

Today, a coworker of mine bounced into my office to tell me that the "really cute" Fedex guy asked about me and left his business card. Honestly, I flinched at the term "Fedex guy" but took the business card just to get her off my back but had no intention of calling. By lunchtime, all of the sistas in the office (all of which are married) had heard about the business card and were asking me when I was going to call this guy. I still had not even seen the business card, but they had already done their homework.

Maybe the Fedex thing is a side hustle, but according to the card he is a board member of a non profit organization that mentors young fathers, and the rhetoric of the website seems very religious. Considering that I'm not very religious and don't have or want children, this doesn't sound like a fit.

I didn't go into detail about WHY I still wasn't sold on the guy, I just said "I don't know..." This started an onslaught of "You're so stuck up... you're too picky... you're going to end up alone..." blah, blah, blah.

I never said there was ANYTHING wrong with this guy. In fact, I think he would be a GREAT catch for someone that is looking for a good Christian brother with a job and a child / children, but none of those characteristics appeal to me.

Most times I'm OK with where I am, but when so many tell me that I'm wrong for feeling what I feel or that I somehow think I'm better than someone else, I feel badly. I've resolved that I may end up unattached (I'm not certain that I really want to get married), but that certainly doesn't mean that I can't live a happy, fulfilled life. Why does that seem so odd?
Click to expand...

Op, your coworkers seem well meaning. I'd only be annoyed if they were in my business after I refused to share any of it with them.

On to my two cents...I wouldn't say that you're picky, but what you said in the bold/highlighted makes it seems that you are closed or even emotionally unavailable.

It's not even clear from your post if you are open to dating or not right now. Are you? I'm sensing ambiguity...which isn't a bad thing. I'm just pointing it out.

Now, if you are open to "dating" or spending time with someone, what exactly made you toss his card? You even said he sounds like a decent fellow ( not a quote) but there didn't seem to be anything completely off putting by what you stated.

Lastly, I somewhat disagree with those saying that he needs to call you first...umm how would he do that w/ o your number? :lachen:. Many women take cards and hit the guy up once and only once in order to put the ball in his court...there's ways around that ya know.

Anyway, I'm not sure where you are in terms of your interest in dating right now, but if you are open, I'd suggest that you give the brother a chance, be it one phone conversation, or a simple date.
 
Dposh167 said:
at this point in my life, I'm not dating a fedex guy either. :hand:I don't curr how nice he is.
Click to expand...

Preferences are okay.

I’ve had men get upset because I won’t date a man who has a history of cheating—even once. That’s right up there with elicit drugs — dealbreaker. Don’t have me trying to turn your failures into my success.

FedEx deliverer would be a no for me even if it’s a 2nd job. So when will he have time for me? Nope.

FedEx corporate? different ball game and I could get with that.
 
I agree with the other ladies. FedEx isn’t a bad job but it doesn’t offer much social status.

True he could pull his own weight and if he’s handy and ambitious all the better.

At 46, There’s a hard stop for some regarding kids too. Especially if you have none and don’t want any.

My husbands 93 yo uncle did his entire Career at ups. Built his house with his own hands. Got some land passed down and had a boat that he took out often. But, life for him was not easy and sacrifices were made (by his wife ) who cook just about every meal etc... and clean.

Anyway, I totally see how someone would not be interested in that life

Not to mention the church mentoring etc ..

You want someone you can lock step with not come in and change your whole life completely in a direction you have no interest in

I said all that to say it’s more complicated than saying he’s not on her level. They are on different paths in life.
 
Lymegreen said:
I agree with the other ladies. FedEx isn’t a bad job but it doesn’t offer much social status.

True he could pull his own weight and if he’s handy and ambitious all the better.

At 46, There’s a hard stop for some regarding kids too. Especially if you have none and don’t want any.

My husbands 93 yo uncle did his entire Career at ups. Built his house with his own hands. Got some land passed down and had a boat that he took out often. But, life for him was not easy and sacrifices were made (by his wife ) who cook just about every meal etc... and clean.

Anyway, I totally see how someone would not be interested in that life

Not to mention the church mentoring etc ..

You want someone you can lock step with not come in and change your whole life completely in a direction you have no interest in

I said all that to say it’s more complicated than saying he’s not on her level. They are on different paths in life.
Click to expand...

Bravo!!! :yep:
 
TinyBlu said:
I never said there was ANYTHING wrong with this guy. In fact, I think he would be a GREAT catch for someone that is looking for a good Christian brother with a job and a child / children, but none of those characteristics appeal to me.

Most times I'm OK with where I am, but when so many tell me that I'm wrong for feeling what I feel or that I somehow think I'm better than someone else, I feel badly. I've resolved that I may end up unattached (I'm not certain that I really want to get married), but that certainly doesn't mean that I can't live a happy, fulfilled life. Why does that seem so odd?
Click to expand...
I turned 30 a couple months ago and I've dealt with similar situations, not from friends but from my own mother. But I realize her mentality is quite common with women. :nono: As long as he seemed nice, was black she'd pressure me to give him a chance even if I already knew I wasn't interested or I knew we weren't compatible. And I felt like there was something wrong with me because I was looking for something else.

The funny thing is men are quite discerning about who they give their heart to. The difference is they need companionship more than we do so they're content to have a woman who is good enough for now while they wait for the one they want. :look: Women aren't that way.

I say this to say don't feel bad for feeling the way you do, OP. You have every right to preferences and he doesn't fit them at all. Giving a man a chance that you truly don't like is a great way to end up going down a path that you never wanted to go down in the first place.
 
Mai Tai said:
Girl...

First of all, why do they even think it is a good idea for YOU to be calling HIM?

And to them telling you that you're too picky? I would have just replied "Hey...Some luxury brands never go on sale. Just because you lowered your price doesn't mean I have to. You have a good day though.." (flips hair and walks off).
Click to expand...
Nothing else needs to be said after this.
 
FedEx guy sounds nice. He has a job, mentors young fathers and may be religious. Sounds like quite a catch..........

But not for you. You aren't interested in the type of job that he has, don't want children and aren't religious. In other words, you have nothing in common. Just because he is black and breathing doesn't mean that you should be dating.
Are you too picky- maybe to some people. I assume that after your personal evaluation time, you have a clearer idea of who the 'right' person is for you. Don't let your co workers make you feel like something is wrong with you because
of this.
 
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