The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

mysblossom said:
:grouphug3:

Thanks to everybody for the replies here at LHCF and at GoodReads.

All of that is very encouraging and made me smile.

I've decided to continue reading the book but cut down on my posting: I feel very welcomed to post, but I feel my issues are slightly different and I don't want to clutter up the LHCF and GoodReads boards with my "side issues." :laugh:

I'll keep reading the boards.

Many blessings, ladies!
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I don't see it as "cluttering up" the boards. I can promise you that someone else is going through just about the same thing, but isn't open to sharing. These are public forums, so don't put anything you wouldn't want shared. Other than that, we are all just here to learn, love and help each other.
 
@mysblossom
I agree with the other ladies. Keep posting and sharing. Your situation is somewhat unique but that is okay. You are definitely not alone. I am actually excited to see how much the Queen's Code principles will be able to help you. I also have a feeling that some of the other Queen's Code resources (courses/workshops/coaching) might be amazing for really deep issues. So yes, keep posting :) okay?
 
almond eyes said:
Yep co signing the language in this book only works with healthy men or men trying to become healthy.

If you have a seriously damaged man, all the hero talk and making a deal will be a waste of precious time and energy.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

I went home for the weekend and spent plenty of time observing three couples- my parents/my sis and her FH/ her future sister inlaw and her husband.... So in my observations there were quite a few moments when I saw Alisons teachings coming into play and how the younger couples (who are both healthy) may benefit from the books and make what is already good even better. But with my parents (my father in particular) he's so set in his ways and relates to my mother in such unhealthful ways, I was thinking that the language wouldn't help at all :/

I was going to suggest the books to them all, but don't want to come across as a know it all when I'm still single lmao!!
 
It took me awhile to get into the groove of this book; I didn't really care for the story-telling style of it. But by chapter 3 I was hooked. I do agree that some of it is corny (like when the grandmother is talking to her husband) but it has very valuable information. Especially the punishing part. I'm up to chapter 5 now.
 
hopeful said:
I think it's really interesting how this applies to other types of relationships too. Masculine women and I don't get along too well -- now I know why :look:. I see them in a completely different light now as well. And I can see why I got on their nerves too :lol:.
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What do you mean? Why don't you get along with them?
 
caribeandiva said:
Lawd was I tired of being a masculine woman!! :nono:
Click to expand...

Same here. I'm not cut out for that life. I love being a woman and everything that it means.
I played that role in one relationship early on and was wondering why I was just frustrated and tired all of the time. I was so busy doing "his job" that I didn't have time to properly care for myself (makeup, mental health breaks, dressing nice).
 
crimsonpeach said:
I'm in chapter 2. And y'all...I'm frustrated with the way the author writes. It's taking everything in me to key onto the meat of what is in the chapters but I can't get with the writing.

I just want it worded better and expanded upon. Once she said that, she started talking about Burt rubbing Claudia's feet. I don't care about that!

I'm going to keep going because the book does have great insights.
Click to expand...

:rofl: I completely understand haha! The Claudia/Burt parts that repeat over and over again kind of work my nerves as well, but the book is dropping SO many gems! :yep:

I'm about 70% done with it and it has already transformed a lot of the ways that I view men. :yep:




Ivonnovi said:
I believe the point of the chapter is that we keep judging Men by Women standards. By doing this We women are constantly disappointed, this disappointment that WE repeatedly set ourselves up for ultimatly leads to our dissatisfaction, low/damaged self-esteem, and dare I say Heartache.
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^^THIS!! :yep: So VERY true!

I have to keep reminding myself that men are NOT women! I think a LOT of my past heartbreak (aside from probably picking guys that weren't the RIGHT guys for me) stemmed from me subconsciously thinking that men should act the way that WOMEN act. Like, "I wouldn't do that...so why would he?" But we have to remember that men are not WOMEN! :nono: They don't think like we do, they don't behave like we do.

Once I got that DRILLED into my head lol, I stopped getting butt hurt over nonsense things, and I started being MUCH more open towards men in general. :yep:
 
hopeful said:
I think it's really interesting how this applies to other types of relationships too. Masculine women and I don't get along too well -- now I know why :look:. I see them in a completely different light now as well. And I can see why I got on their nerves too :lol:.
Click to expand...

OMG YES!!! I thought it was just ME! lol! :lol:

This book has really transformed my life and way of thinking. It has basically opened my eyes. So much so that now when I see overly bossy, militant, masculine, "hard" women, I no longer "relate" to them anymore... They kind of annoy me now. Idk if that's the right word? Even the term "STRONG Black Woman" gets on my nerves a little bit nowdays. Like, there's nothing wrong with being resilient and able to withstand whatever hardships come your way, but why do we have to be "STRONG" black women?? :look: I never hear this term or adjective put on to other women.... (ie. "STRONG Jewish women", "STRONG Asian women", "STRONG Hispanic Women".) Idk...is it just me??

But anyway, some women who are bitter don't make me want to high five them anymore lol. Especially the ones who are SOOO hateful and distrustful of men or speak badly about them ALL the time. I just shake my head internally and think: "thank goodness I'm learning what I've learned in this book and I'm no longer about that life..." :look:

I can now (FINALLY!) see why so many men get so frustrated with certain women, and why so many women are single. :look:



caribeandiva said:
Lawd was I tired of being a masculine woman!! :nono:
Click to expand...
Girl YES!!! And then I would always wonder why I would never attract masculine men lol! :rofl: Umm....could it be because the VIBE I was emitting wasn't one that would attract a masculine man?

It's hard.....I still have to work on not correcting people, not finishing their sentences :look:, allowing men to HELP me out, not being OVERLY competent in everything....but I will say, I'm getting MUCH better. I no longer feel AS awkward when men try to help me out, or when I have to ask or enlist in the help of other men now. I now WANT to be more submissive if that makes sense?
 
UPDATE: I posted some of this in the Feminine Bells thread, here's a brief recap & additional info.

I now understand the reason Claudia is careful about who she shares the info with. Regarding 2 of my female friends that can be considered Ride-Or-Die Frog Farmers:
As of this point I dare not share any of the pearls of wisdom I've gleaned thus far from the QTC. I'm currently about 45% through the book and though I don't agree with every syllable of the book, it is refreshing to hear, reflect on, and contemplate different perspectives on How and Why we relate as we do.​

Regarding my use of a new approach. I recently had a meeting with a group that included men. One of them kept staring me down. The new me processed his constant glances as admiration, the old me would have processed this as lust and responded with a glare or two to clearly let him know that I'm not here for it. I did not acknowledge his attention; nor did I emasculate him; INSTEAD, I quietly held on to the power of my femininity and kept my focus on the group.
 
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Layluh said:
@Crystalicequeen123 yes that should be the new term. resilient black woman...adaptable black woman. I've never been very "strong" and have always loved and needed men. I got away from that for the first few years of marriage but I'm back :)
Click to expand...

I like that!! :yep: I'm glad I'm not the only one who now finds that term "Strong Black Woman" as a little undesirable. I mean, society already deems us as more "masculine" than women of other races, do we REALLY need the term "strong" black woman added in there as well?? :look:

Idk...it's just something that's been bugging me ever since I read this book. It's like I had an "aha!" moment or something.


Ivonnovi said:
Regarding my use of a new approach. I recently had a meeting with a group that included men. One of them kept staring me down. The new me processed his constant glances as admiration, the old me would have processed this as lust and responded with a glare or two to clearly let him know that I'm not here for it. I did not acknowledge his attention; nor did I emasculate him; INSTEAD, I quietly held on to the power of my femininity and kept my focus on the group.
Click to expand...

Good for you! :up: :yep:

Yes, it sort of creeps me out when men stare too long at me as well. It's not that I don't mind the attention, but when I'm NOT interested, I don't like long looks like that. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. :look:

You handled that perfectly well! There's this guy who goes to my place of worship, and I swear he must have a slight crush on me because he's ALWAYS staring at me from afar, or in person, or making sure he's situated somewhere where he can SEE me after services are over. It used to make me feel VERY uncomfortable at first because he's quite a few years older than I am, and I am NOT attracted to him in the least lol. :hand: I used to act funny around him or try to avoid him, or just internally roll my eyes whenever I would catch him staring. But now?? My whole approach is different.

Like you, I recognize that he must be liking what he's seeing if he's staring so much lol, and any man who appreciates my beauty is automatically a PLUS in my book! :lachen: I now see it as more "flattering" and nice to be appreciated, as opposed to "ewwwww...get away from me you dirty creep!" :lol:

I find that now I'm much more relaxed in his presence, and I can just totally be myself. I don't avoid him anymore, and I even smile and acknowledge him. We have actually had some good conversations. :yep: I may not be attracted/interested in him, but that doesn't give me the liberty to emasculate him or treat him like dirt. After all, I wouldn't want a guy to treat me like that.
 
@Ivonnovi Re: ride or die frog farmers. I'm also realizing that about a lot of my female friends. My nail tech and I have become good friends over the years. Since I've known her she's usually saying something bad about her husband, putting him down, can't wait to divorce him, etc... Now I'm wondering if he's just been reacting to her over the years and has basically checked out of the marriage emotionally. Worse, she's teaching her teenage daughter how to frog farm! She emasculates her dad too. :nono: I don't dare say a thing to them in defense of their husband and father (or men in general) cuz i might get my head ripped off. I just feel sad for them. They don't know what they don't know.
 
Guess what Ladies???

I got an email back from Alison! :grin:

I know it's just a canned response, but whatever lol.... I thought it was very encouraging. :yep:

I had sent her an email about laying down the sword a couple months ago when I first started reading the book because that was one of the things it mentions. It mentions to email her your vow. So, that's what I did! I made my vow and emailed it to her. I wasn't expecting anything back, but here's what she wrote....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for your message to Alison – please see below for her response:

Dear Crystal,

Thank you for reading the Queen’s Code and allowing me to contribute to you.

Most importantly, congratulations! Thank you for laying down the sword. Making this vow requires something special and I am grateful to you for whatever it took to make your commitment. The world is a better place for it and you are an inspiration to me.

If you are the first woman you know who has taken the vow you may feel little bit uncertain or cautious about what happens next. Many women find that re-reading The Queen's Code will help. You’re likely to notice something newly each time you pick it up. I've always found my transformation to be the best supported in a community and I invite you to join ours. You're welcome to participate in our workshops our join us online. We convene regularly on our membership site atChoosingPartnership.com/pioneers~ this is where you can find more information, support from other like-minded and like-hearted men and women, and have personal contact with me.

I hope to see you there!

ChoosingPartnership.com/pioneers~ this is where you can find more information, support from other like-minded and like-hearted men and women, and have personal contact with me.

I hope to see you there!

Love,

Alison

VIA
Sarah Bumstead
Personal E-mail Manager to Alison Armstrong
PAX Programs Incorporated
800-418-9924
Source of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® Workshop

www.understandmen.com
www.facebook.com/understandmen



My original Email:
I would like to take the Queen's Code vow.
I vow to lay down my sword when it comes to dealing with all men.
I give up the right to castrate men forever. :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty neat huh??
 
I should reflect first but Naw, I'm going to type this as I feel it now....and not reflect/rethink

Today for I shared lunch with my Melissa2.9. As we exchanged pleasantries of course I asked how she's doing, blah blah. Her 2nd response was "I DON'T WANNA SPEAK ABOUT MY ADDRESS (frog farm)" then ordered a drank (she very seldom drinks).
I gave a curt smile, and said OK....and tried to talk about any and everything else.
.....then the ADDRESS came up (address is code for HE whom she'd rather not even think of right now[the Head Frog]).... I listened, tried to play devils advocate yet support her, our friendship, and their relationship. But keep in mind that I'm somewhere in CH5 and dealing with my on "farming" issues.

Bottom line, I believe I gave her a few tips to assist her in :arguing:communicating at and with the "address" resident. After some reflective thinking she agreed to be nicer, and *lower her expectations [and adjust them realistically]; after all he's not a woman:p.
:toocool:BEST of ALL, I think I talked her into buying the book:toocool:; I pray she'll read it too.

*....Yes, I said "lower", he's not going to eva-not eva be the neat freak that she is; and as I shared from Karen's situation the clutter doesn't speak to him the way it "screams & yells" at her. :bat:
 
It seems from the thread on goodreads that we don't have much interest in the live call. Are we still on for tomorrow?
 
Just popping in to say that I am still so happy and doing so well. That sword must have been far heavier than I ever realized. I feel so much lighter. Dh seems lighter too as he no longer has to pick up his own sword to fight me back. Just so much love and peace:2inlove::kisslips::infatuated:.

I think I mentioned that I helped a girlfriend by sharing the queen's code info. She saw immediate results and was so happy she mailed me a handwritten thank you note :). I am now trying to share as much as I can with my daughter who is a young adult. I am looking at starting her with Alison's Restoring Your Heart Healing Your Honor audio tape/course. I am hoping that will help as she seems so hesitant to lay down her sword. I am hoping that will help her to be more open to the queen's code. I will say just me discussing the concepts briefly and observing her dad and me has already softened her up some. I am optimistic. I want her to enjoy a carefree happy life and to enjoy all the good that most men can provide.
 
I've put the Queens Code into effect with my ex/current ( i believed i mentioned previously we were hanging by a thread) anyway i've been using AA's method on him and others and wow! what a transformation for me on how i feel. it feels good to not jump the gun so quickly on things I perceive as against me/personal or i have to fix. relax....breath. i don't need to be a super hero...

he took me out for dinner and the night was going so well we went for drinks....it was really nice. i listened more than I normally do and I really got to HEAR him....not listen so i can talk next. but really listened. Funny, he mentioned an incident that we had and he said when i spoke over him...to him I just sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown...blah blahblahblahblah. he didnt hear me...what do I read in chapter 3 today? a reference to Charlie Brown. These men are really have the same thought process. it was fun like when we first met 25 years ago. he sent me a text just now to say how great outing it was. It's our 2nd time around, we can do this.

i want to share this book with our kids. my oldest daughter is already married & the other has a boyfriend. it's my duty to share so they can start out on the right path with their partners and being feminine.

On chapter 4 now...
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
I like that!! :yep: I'm glad I'm not the only one who now finds that term "Strong Black Woman" as a little undesirable. I mean, society already deems us as more "masculine" than women of other races, do we REALLY need the term "strong" black woman added in there as well?? :look:

Idk...it's just something that's been bugging me ever since I read this book. It's like I had an "aha!" moment or something.




Good for you! :up: :yep:

Yes, it sort of creeps me out when men stare too long at me as well. It's not that I don't mind the attention, but when I'm NOT interested, I don't like long looks like that. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. :look:

You handled that perfectly well! There's this guy who goes to my place of worship, and I swear he must have a slight crush on me because he's ALWAYS staring at me from afar, or in person, or making sure he's situated somewhere where he can SEE me after services are over. It used to make me feel VERY uncomfortable at first because he's quite a few years older than I am, and I am NOT attracted to him in the least lol. :hand: I used to act funny around him or try to avoid him, or just internally roll my eyes whenever I would catch him staring. But now?? My whole approach is different.

Like you, I recognize that he must be liking what he's seeing if he's staring so much lol, and any man who appreciates my beauty is automatically a PLUS in my book! :lachen: I now see it as more "flattering" and nice to be appreciated, as opposed to "ewwwww...get away from me you dirty creep!" :lol:

I find that now I'm much more relaxed in his presence, and I can just totally be myself. I don't avoid him anymore, and I even smile and acknowledge him. We have actually had some good conversations. :yep: I may not be attracted/interested in him, but that doesn't give me the liberty to emasculate him or treat him like dirt. After all, I wouldn't want a guy to treat me like that.
Click to expand...

So I have a question. An honest one.

If a guy stares you down and you don't like him at all what should a woman do that will not emasculate him? Suppose he comes on very sexual what should be the stance.

If you do like the guy and he stares you down, what should you do to not act like a deer in head lights? Do you wait for him to come over? Suppose that guy that you do like does say something a bit sexual what should be the response?

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Okay, I missed or glossed oversomething.

On what page does Claudia explain Diffuse Awareness? I think I have the concept but I want to make sure I have it right. ....I just realized that I had forgot a significant part of the frog farm definition that "we turn Princes into frogs"....

@almond eyes; I've not read that far yet, and I'm somewhere in Ch5. The best answer I can give right now is to try to diffuse the situation tactfully and (forgive me dear sword) but escalate only if necessary; we all know there are perverts out there.
 
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