The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

no worries, no one dialed in. I'm a little ticked that I took the time to set it up. I stayed on the line for 10 minutes.
 
@Kimbosheart First off I am sorry no one dialed in to the group discussion.

I was coming back in to declare that you all have twisted my arm, please add me to or invite me to the GoodReads group,

ETA: Thanks, I'm in!!
 
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couple notesss...epiphanies..whatever you wanna call them lol...

The scariest part about all of this self reflection and etc IS. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE FORMER BF's, EX-DH'S, OR ETC THAT YOU MAY HAVE FROG FARMED AND IT RESULTED IN THE DEMISE OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT COUDL'VE WORKED!!!!!!! :look::eek:.... yes i married my sweets dh and we are a great team..but there were some great caliber men that i a smidge frog farmed and it makes me a smidge yes a smidge think about what if? my past relationships have been pretty great track record and treatment and etc i get men..buttttttttttttt just from being a woman..we have some built in frog farmer tendencies

2nd..i want to have this book on file for my future daughter as i dont want her to think that frog farming is normal..as her mom is not a frog farmer...like most women i have a few frog farming tendencies but overall i get men..but i dont want her to get into the mindset of frog farming, if you have a few frog farming friends then it tends to rub off on you....it will save her tons of heart ache if she is able to think dually in relation to men and relationships...

now there are some frog famers that we all know that are to far gone and this may not help them..butttttttt for a young women 18-25ish we can address and save those..and we can be the Claudia's in their life!!!!

back to sipping my hazelnut coffee....:rose:
 
JustifiablyMe said:
Random observation but this morning I was looking at my to-do list from yesterday and I accomplished everything except things to do for myself (gym, hair, etc.). It's amazing how much we self-sacrifice without realizing it.
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I was thinking about this last night. I started my day with meditation and prayer, then I took a walk. After that I was so focused on my family I ended up exhausted by the evening. I took a long bubble bath to reclaim myself and had to ignore everyone for a couple hours. It's like we go on automatic to make sure they are happy.
 
hopeful said:
I was thinking about this last night. I started my day with meditation and prayer, then I took a walk. After that I was so focused on my family I ended up exhausted by the evening. I took a long bubble bath to reclaim myself and had to ignore everyone for a couple hours. It's like we go on automatic to make sure they are happy.
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I know :(

I had to do my hair this weekend but I forgot. I find myself having to schedule me time on my wall calendar, or else me time won't get done and I'll forget.
 
Ladies, I would love your insights about balancing expectations (what I want) and leading.

I am very cognizant of not taking the lead. I like masculine men and love when a man leads, I like to be courted :).

How do you balance taking the lead and making suggestions and/or being clear about what you want?

How do you communicate when you're hurt or annoyed at something?
 
LoveisYou said:
Ladies, I would love your insights about balancing expectations (what I want) and leading.

I am very cognizant of not taking the lead. I like masculine men and love when a man leads, I like to be courted :).

How do you balance taking the lead and making suggestions and/or being clear about what you want?

How do you communicate when you're hurt or annoyed at something?
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The Queen's Code addresses all of this.

My take on the Queen's Code is that within the relationship you do not take the lead. I do not think she ever straight out discusses who takes the lead though. The focus is on showing men respect and being feminine and having predetermined values and boundaries that you stand by. If a man is not in alignment with your values and boundaries he's not your guy. A heroic, noble guy, when spoken to and treated in a certain manner, and is healthy, and cares about you, will give you the moon and the stars. The books helps you see if you frog farm or emasculate men. Many of us do without realizing it. That is one of the main reasons we don't get what we want. And she teaches techniques on how best to communicate with men and ask for what you want. She also helps us see just how different men are from us. I think you will enjoy reading the book. You really have to read it to get it all and understand how powerful the Queen's Code is. An 8-week course begins Tuesday, 10/27, as well.
 
I listened to one of Alisons talks about this last night and she just says "ouch." One time she wasn't able to look or even talk to her husband because he'd hurt her so bad. So she told her daughter to run and tell her father that she said "ouch." Of course the daughter didnt understand what was going on but just 1 moment later, her husband was standing next to her apologizing for whatever he'd done.

Alison discourages women from having goals cause it makes us masculine. Rather she wants us to dream. So if you want a family, frame it as a dream: "I dream of having a family one day." And he can sit back and figure out if he wants to fulfill that dream or not. Being in a relationship where the man is the leader requires a ish ton of faith which can be hard for women, I didn't realize how much work it took until I read the book.

To me having a man as the lead is literally like believing in God. You have to put all of your hopes, prayers & dreams into his hands and pray he's able to make them come true. I'm not religious so this is hard for me to come to terms with, though I'm very submissive and am used to that dynamic. I just didnt know what it all entailed.
 
^^^ Right. Choosing well makes a big difference and even then it is hard until you realize just how beautiful the relationship can be when it's operating on all cylinders. I have never been happier. There are plenty areas that we can express our masculine qualities if we choose to, but within intimate male/female relationships it often backfires on us.
 
hopeful said:
^^^ Right. Choosing well makes a big difference and even then it is hard until you realize just how beautiful the relationship can be when it's operating on all cylinders. I have never been happier. There are plenty areas that we can express our masculine qualities if we choose to, but within intimate male/female relationships it often backfires on us.
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THIS!!!!!!!!
 
Layluh said:
I listened to one of Alisons talks about this last night and she just says "ouch." One time she wasn't able to look or even talk to her husband because he'd hurt her so bad. So she told her daughter to run and tell her father that she said "ouch." Of course the daughter didnt understand what was going on but just 1 moment later, her husband was standing next to her apologizing for whatever he'd done.

Alison discourages women from having goals cause it makes us masculine. Rather she wants us to dream. So if you want a family, frame it as a dream: "I dream of having a family one day." And he can sit back and figure out if he wants to fulfill that dream or not. Being in a relationship where the man is the leader requires a ish ton of faith which can be hard for women, I didn't realize how much work it took until I read the book.

To me having a man as the lead is literally like believing in God. You have to put all of your hopes, prayers & dreams into his hands and pray he's able to make them come true. I'm not religious so this is hard for me to come to terms with, though I'm very submissive and am used to that dynamic. I just didnt know what it all entailed.
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Ugh I'm struggling with this right now. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm being too needy by constantly requesting affirmation from him instead of just putting my faith in him and his word. I don't know how else to let go and just trust him because for so long I've been independent and never had to rely on anyone but myself so it's truly hard letting go and putting faith in someone else to deliver.
 
JustifiablyMe said:
Ugh I'm struggling with this right now. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm being too needy by constantly requesting affirmation from him instead of just putting my faith in him and his word. I don't know how else to let go and just trust him because for so long I've been independent and never had to rely on anyone but myself so it's truly hard letting go and putting faith in someone else to deliver.
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But it's both. Focusing on caring for yourself and your needs and nurturing your femininity takes some pressure off of counting on him too much. Asking for what you want early on before you are angry helps a lot, not delaying our needs being met. Asking 5 times beforehand is better than demanding/screaming/crying one time after you have waited and waited and stewed. Also she briefly touched on how some of our neediness is biological and how our female brain works sometimes, it's almost primal. Understanding that sometimes it's not that we are weak or that he is wrong, but it just is, can be very helpful too. That way instead of saying why don't you :blah:, you can say my brain has me feeling wonky, I would sure would feel better if you'd please provide me with ____. That way no one is wrong, just human, and needing love and comfort. Just take it one day at a time.

Eta: when I say 5 times I don't mean asking for the same thing 5 times. I'm saying 5 separate instances for different things at different times trumps that one melt down. Hope that makes sense.

And also always remembering that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.
 
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JustifiablyMe said:
Ugh I'm struggling with this right now. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm being too needy by constantly requesting affirmation from him instead of just putting my faith in him and his word. I don't know how else to let go and just trust him because for so long I've been independent and never had to rely on anyone but myself so it's truly hard letting go and putting faith in someone else to deliver.
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By affirmation you mean constantly requesting that he tell you he loves you and cares about you? I was like that. But now the book has made me see that he shows his love by making me feel safe. Like this guy goes above and beyond to make me feel safe. Sometimes I feel like I'm a character in one of his video games that he keeps upgrading to protect them from whatever. Like he felt so awesome that he bought me triple A cause now he doesn't have to worry about me being stranded. I've never had to think about my safety ever- so having him around is just *sigh* amazing.

He's not the most romantic person and I'll have to work on his emotional intelligence over time but other than that he shows his love by making me feel safe and financially secure.
 
Kimbosheart said:
no worries, no one dialed in. I'm a little ticked that I took the time to set it up. I stayed on the line for 10 minutes.
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Sorry @Kimbosheart , I already told CDiva a little while back that I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it this past Sunday because I would be waaay too swamped with stuff....traveling out of town, etc. I think come November/December things will slow down some for me. This whole year has been pretty stressful and crazy for me honestly :dizzy:


hopeful said:
The Queen's Code addresses all of this.

My take on the Queen's Code is that within the relationship you do not take the lead. I do not think she ever straight out discusses who takes the lead though. The focus is on showing men respect and being feminine and having predetermined values and boundaries that you stand by. If a man is not in alignment with your values and boundaries he's not your guy. A heroic, noble guy, when spoken to and treated in a certain manner, and is healthy, and cares about you, will give you the moon and the stars.
Click to expand...
YES!!! :yep:

I also have been having an epiphany of sorts while reading this book based on this very part about NOT taking the lead. Idk if Alison addresses this in her book or not (I'm only about 70% through it), but it just dawned on me while reading this book one day that more than likely, women need to allow men to "take the lead" from the GET GO.... Meaning, right from the BEGINNING of the relationship! :yep:

In our society, we women have been taught that now it's "okay" to sort of "chase"/pursue a guy as long as you're not being TOO forward or creepy. :look: We've almost been conditioned (at least in THIS country) to feel that waiting for a guy to make the move is so passe, and will have you ending up single for life lol. I notice now that a lot of women (even MEN!) now encourage women to "take the bull by the horns" so-to-speak and go for the guy you're interested in. :ohwell: In other words, if you have two tickets to a concert or art exhibit, go ahead and ask him out! Go ahead and call him first, text him, initiate contact first, invite him to a party you're throwing, etc. :look: Well, after I've started reading this book I'm now starting to wonder if maybe (just MAYBE!) the reason why this doesn't always work in the woman's favor is because in some small way, a man views this type of behavior as not only "masculine" in nature, but also slightly as "Frog Farming" in a more subtle way??

What do you ladies think?

In all honesty, MOST of the married couples I've seen typically tell me how the MAN went after the woman...even if she had a crush on him secretly, HE was the one who made the initial/or shall I say...the "MASCULINE" move that started the ball rolling. It's VERY rare that I see/hear a man who is married to his wife say: "Oh yeah...she chased after me hard... She asked me out and then invited me over for dinner...." :look: I mean, I KNOW it happens in some relationships, but anytime I hear a story like that I just shake my head internally and kind of lose a little respect for the MAN. :look: He just seems so.....so....passive/feminine and it's kind of a turn off. :ohwell:



Layluh said:
Alison discourages women from having goals cause it makes us masculine. Rather she wants us to dream. So if you want a family, frame it as a dream: "I dream of having a family one day." And he can sit back and figure out if he wants to fulfill that dream or not. Being in a relationship where the man is the leader requires a ish ton of faith which can be hard for women, I didn't realize how much work it took until I read the book.

To me having a man as the lead is literally like believing in God. You have to put all of your hopes, prayers & dreams into his hands and pray he's able to make them come true. I'm not religious so this is hard for me to come to terms with, though I'm very submissive and am used to that dynamic. I just didnt know what it all entailed.
Click to expand...

Oh, interesting!!!

I can see this not going over too well with most women though. Especially women who consider themselves "feminists" :look: :look:

I see what she's saying though. I think however, that women in this country/our society have felt like we have had to "fight" to prove that we're just as good as men and can be just as capable, achieve things, etc. that this will go over like a lead balloon in most female spaces :look:

I wouldn't be surprised if Alison has a few women enemies lol :giggle:
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Sorry @Kimbosheart , I already told CDiva a little while back that I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it this past Sunday because I would be waaay too swamped with stuff....traveling out of town, etc. I think come November/December things will slow down some for me. This whole year has been pretty stressful and crazy for me honestly :dizzy:



YES!!! :yep:

I also have been having an epiphany of sorts while reading this book based on this very part about NOT taking the lead. Idk if Alison addresses this in her book or not (I'm only about 70% through it), but it just dawned on me while reading this book one day that more than likely, women need to allow men to "take the lead" from the GET GO.... Meaning, right from the BEGINNING of the relationship! :yep:

In our society, we women have been taught that now it's "okay" to sort of "chase"/pursue a guy as long as you're not being TOO forward or creepy. :look: We've almost been conditioned (at least in THIS country) to feel that waiting for a guy to make the move is so passe, and will have you ending up single for life lol. I notice now that a lot of women (even MEN!) now encourage women to "take the bull by the horns" so-to-speak and go for the guy you're interested in. :ohwell: In other words, if you have two tickets to a concert or art exhibit, go ahead and ask him out! Go ahead and call him first, text him, initiate contact first, invite him to a party you're throwing, etc. :look: Well, after I've started reading this book I'm now starting to wonder if maybe (just MAYBE!) the reason why this doesn't always work in the woman's favor is because in some small way, a man views this type of behavior as not only "masculine" in nature, but also slightly as "Frog Farming" in a more subtle way??

What do you ladies think?

In all honesty, MOST of the married couples I've seen typically tell me how the MAN went after the woman...even if she had a crush on him secretly, HE was the one who made the initial/or shall I say...the "MASCULINE" move that started the ball rolling. It's VERY rare that I see/hear a man who is married to his wife say: "Oh yeah...she chased after me hard... She asked me out and then invited me over for dinner...." :look: I mean, I KNOW it happens in some relationships, but anytime I hear a story like that I just shake my head internally and kind of lose a little respect for the MAN. :look: He just seems so.....so....passive/feminine and it's kind of a turn off. :ohwell:





Oh, interesting!!!

I can see this not going over too well with most women though. Especially women who consider themselves "feminists" :look: :look:

I see what she's saying though. I think however, that women in this country/our society have felt like we have had to "fight" to prove that we're just as good as men and can be just as capable, achieve things, etc. that this will go over like a lead balloon in most female spaces :look:

I wouldn't be surprised if Alison has a few women enemies lol :giggle:
Click to expand...


I totally agree with you, in this society we have been told that you have to go and get your man. And if you are over 30 then you better get him now. Hunt him down and take no prisoners. I've even see some acquaintances offer sex on the first date to seal that deal and sadly it winds up in a bad situation where the woman is pining and the man has disappeared.

I used to get angst in my stomach over calling a man and had sleepless nights. And when I did it was always a huge mistake. I tipped the scale of balance away from my favor.

I even had an argument with my mother who says, you have to be more forward with men don't get caught up in waiting. But when you ask her about how she and my Dad got together, he was the one who came after her.

Now, my approach is totally different I no longer have sleepless nights, I know that if a guy is interested he will call or in the culture I am in, he will let someone that I know send a message that he likes me to gage the situation and he will get my number from that person. It is quite freeing, all we have to do as women is just be open and receptive. No need to call a man if he doesn't call you don't flip out it could take him some time but in no circumstance should you call him first. Be visible let him see you at your female best. But no you don't have to play both male and female roles.

It is sad but when you make the first move on a masculine man he takes this as desperate and you taking over his role.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
I totally agree with you, in this society we have been told that you have to go and get your man. And if you are over 30 then you better get him now. Hunt him down and take no prisoners. I've even see some acquaintances offer sex on the first date to seal that deal and sadly it winds up in a bad situation where the woman is pining and the man has disappeared.

I used to get angst in my stomach over calling a man and had sleepless nights. And when I did it was always a huge mistake. I tipped the scale of balance away from my favor.

I even had an argument with my mother who says, you have to be more forward with men don't get caught up in waiting. But when you ask her about how she and my Dad got together, he was the one who came after her.

Now, my approach is totally different I no longer have sleepless nights, I know that if a guy is interested he will call or in the culture I am in, he will let someone that I know send a message that he likes me to gage the situation and he will get my number from that person. It is quite freeing, all we have to do as women is just be open and receptive. No need to call a man if he doesn't call you don't flip out it could take him some time but in no circumstance should you call him first. Be visible let him see you at your female best. But no you don't have to play both male and female roles.

It is sad but when you make the first move on a masculine man he takes this as desperate and you taking over his role.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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:goodpost:

fep9hc.gif


:yay: :yay:
 
I read "Making Sense of Men" last night and it really blew me away with how spot on and helpful it was. Alison doesn't go into as much depth in MSM as in TQC, but having the background from TQC really made it come alive. I feel like in TQC there's a lot of skipping around in terms of concepts, but MSM is more linear since it is nonfiction.

Having said that, reading MSM was a real kick in the pants because it's amazing how well it describes my relationship with ex-SO from A to Z! All the things she talks about in terms of what attracts men to women were exactly descriptive of our relationship--he verbally told me the exact criteria in MSM on many occasions. Now I can see how he was all about protecting me or providing for me even though it didn't seem like it at the time. I can see how devoted he was to my happiness. He basically said and did everything Alison says men will say and do in MSM, but I didn't believe it was that serious. The "I care about you" thing was so him. Actually, even now that we are not together, he still says that. Maybe there's hope. :look:

MSM even explains our breakup--Alison talks about how it's torture for a man to not be able to make the woman he loves happy. Ex-SO actually mentioned this to me last week when I asked him why a guy would break up with someone he still loved and wanted to be with. He said that sometimes it hurts too much to be with someone that you can't make happy. It all makes sense now because ex-SO isn't about taking a lot of crap. I am still shaking my head at the thought that I'm a frog farmer! I frog farmed a good man and a great relationship! Argh!
 
Since I've been on this Queen Code journey, I feel happier and more at ease communicating. My current relationship has taken a turn for the better. I've been calm and more thoughtful. I listen.....and I am hearing more clearly. He's either being a lot more vocal or me shutting up :yep: has opened the communication on his part.

I was a total frog farmer bouncing back and forth from feminine to masculine. I let him take the lead....then if i didn't like how things were going i would come in and boss it up. Compromising and trusting his judgement is key to him feeling like the KING. I see this now and plan to do better...so far so good. I've been enlightened! Hallelujah! :yay:
 
Sorry about the not being able to join the book group, I am dealing with a family member's care at the moment. But please let us also continue or conversations here.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Sweetg said:
Since I've been on this Queen Code journey, I feel happier and more at ease communicating. My current relationship has taken a turn for the better. I've been calm and more thoughtful. I listen.....and I am hearing more clearly. He's either being a lot more vocal or me shutting up :yep: has opened the communication on his part.

I was a total frog farmer bouncing back and forth from feminine to masculine. I let him take the lead....then if i didn't like how things were going i would come in and boss it up. Compromising and trusting his judgement is key to him feeling like the KING. I see this now and plan to do better...so far so good. I've been enlightened! Hallelujah! :yay:
Click to expand...


That's awesome @Sweetg ! :yep: Sounds like the book is really working for you!!

I've been having so many epiphanies with this book myself.... But I dont' have anyone to "practice" these gems of knowledge on since I'm single at the moment. :ohwell: :look:


almond eyes said:
Sorry about the not being able to join the book group, I am dealing with a family member's care at the moment. But please let us also continue or conversations here.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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Hope everything goes okay with your family member @almond eyes :yep:
 
The perfect person really paints women into a corner in situations in their lives. I'm trying to combat it.

Regarding the book club, I do hope we continue the conversation on either site but please pick one. I'm probably going to take a hiatus from LHCF and other social media sites for awhile. I have some other creative pursuits and this place can be a distraction.

Regarding the dial-in: thank you to those who apologized, I do realize that things come up. Luckily, I only spent 10 minutes on the phone line and about 10 minutes pulling together show notes, which I will post here because they were great. Courtesy is always appreciated.
 
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