The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

Topics for this week:

Chapter 1:

What inspires you to shift away from frog farming to the queen's code?
What challenges do you think you will have to overcome in making this shift?

Chapter 2:

Claudia goes into what it will take to master the language of heros. First was to see them as men rather than hairy women. She also mentions the following:

- Anger, self-righteousness, self-deprecation — they’ve all gotta go.
- There will be no progress without complete honesty.
- Confidentiality: These conversations are private. We’re not to teach what we learn to anyone else at this time.
- Regret is a good teacher and can be healing.
- Self-recrimination will not be tolerated and must not be entertained

Can any of us comment on these requirements? Any experiences or places where we anticipate this to be the most difficult?

Homework Assignment 1

1. Notice what I think about men–what pops into my head.
2. Notice what is happening when I’m angry, affronted, frustrated, confused, hurt, disappointed or baffled by them.

Homework Assignment 2

1. Notice when I think men are ‘misbehaving’ and examine what I’m expecting them to do and be.
2. Observe how the idea that men are ‘misbehaving’ creates the compulsion to PUNISH them.
3. Notice how I punish men”
4. Observe other women punishing men: How do they do it?
5. Notice the effect on men during and after the punishment

Experiences, Comments, Questions....

How is just the awareness changing your day to day life with the men you interact with? With the women?

Claudia mentions the perfect person and how she is a standard that we compare everything to and lose to. I find this idea very interesting for black women as it seems our perfect person is sometimes and impossible reality. Can any of you share more about the perfect person in your head? Any tips for ignoring her? Any experiences where she has tripped you up?

This is just a loose outline to hopefully bound our discussion to make it most useful. If we spend all the time on one topic that is quite all-right.

I just finished my second read of the book and I love how Claudia mentions that the best thing to do now that we've read this information and taken the vow is to surround ourselves with like minded women. I really think interacting with each other this way will help us all. I love the idea of being a women set apart, and I think that takes more than casually reading this but really learning how to make these principles are beneficial part of my life.
 
Kimbosheart said:
The perfect person really paints women into a corner in situations in their lives. I'm trying to combat it.

Regarding the book club, I do hope we continue the conversation on either site but please pick one. I'm probably going to take a hiatus from LHCF and other social media sites for awhile. I have some other creative pursuits and this place can be a distraction.

Regarding the dial-in: thank you to those who apologized, I do realize that things come up. Luckily, I only spent 10 minutes on the phone line and about 10 minutes pulling together show notes, which I will post here because they were great. Courtesy is always appreciated.
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I understand. We will miss you. Blessings to you on your other creative pursuits.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
That's awesome @Sweetg ! :yep: Sounds like the book is really working for you!!

I've been having so many epiphanies with this book myself.... But I dont' have anyone to "practice" these gems of knowledge on since I'm single at the moment. :ohwell: :look:




Hope everything goes okay with your family member @almond eyes :yep:
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Thanks so much. I learn many lessons from my family member. Exercise ladies and eat healthy because when you don't these things catch up to you.
 
@Kimbosheart Thanks for sharing the lessons and topics of discussion. Much appreciated. As I finish a chapter I do the lessons and watch the videos for clarifications.

Sorry I missed the phone session....I don't believe I confirmed to join but I am sorry that you were on the line alone.... perhaps online communication is best for now.

Good luck on your endeavours...Social media can definitely be a huge distractions when you have important goals to meet. Hope to "see" you back on here soon.
 
Thanks for the well wishes. I have a ton of books I need to read and I could use all my free time on this board and not reading.

I do have an idea for a spinoff to this thread I may start in the Christian forum. I find that a lot of Alison's teachings in TQC and celebrating partnership apply to my faith and interactions with God. This info is really resonating with me in all areas of my life.

Please please please purchase the celebrating partnership audio course. It's cheaper in Amazon. But I'm 3 hours in and it is already taking the concepts in TQC and adding depth and layers as well as more applications. Plus it has a 45 page pdf workbook to help you work through the concepts.
 
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Topics for this week (my responses are in green):

Chapter 1:
s you to shift away from frog farming to the queen's code?
  • I ran across this concept whilst researching the idea of working on improving my femininity. Life taught me to have a thick skin, and my work has required me to be a little ruff around the edges. At some point I realized that the armor could be/needed to be scaled down; problem is I have difficulty figuring out when it is appropriate and/or how do do this.
What challenges do you think you will have to overcome in making this shift?
  • It is a MENTAL thing. My life experiences have reinforced the need to be very guarded and non-trusting. I am anxiously looking forward to the part in the book where the author shares the necessary skills to discern good characters from bad characters (men specifically).
  • THINKiNG before I act, react, or respond. Again, its a mental thing.

Chapter 2:

Claudia goes into what it will take to master the language of heros. First was to see them as men rather than hairy women. She also mentions the following:

- Anger, self-righteousness, self-deprecation — they’ve all gotta go.
- There will be no progress without complete honesty.
- Confidentiality: These conversations are private. We’re not to teach what we learn to anyone else at this time. I find it difficult to not share what I've learned....While "sharing' I usually encourage them to read the book for themselves; so I don't consider it "teaching"
- Regret is a good teacher and can be healing.
- Self-recrimination will not be tolerated and must not be entertained-

Can any of us comment on these requirements? Any experiences or places where we anticipate this to be the most difficult?

  • REGARDING THE BOLDED. Complete honesty is difficult, honest and open self-reflection is a daunting task; one must be willing to set their long-held beliefs & perspectives aside and at the same time be willing to consider other perspectives to make progress.
    • I've looked back at a few relationships and try to consider the guy's perspective and how just maybe thing might have turned out differently IF I HAD THE TOOLS and wisdom to respond differently; I'm afraid that I am a terminator.

This is all I have for now. I have way more reflecting to do on what I've read so far; and as another poster said: "I don't have anyone [regular] to practice with"; so, for now I'm trying to ensure the lessons and wisdom shared are deeply ingrained into my psych before I get back into the game............ I'm even considering resuming contact with an ex to get his perspective on this.......
 
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Layluh said:
LOL! You know this book done changed you when you start wondering if George w. Bush was just trying to provide for our country and protect our country from foreign threats.

*smh*
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You know this book has done change you when you start wondering if maybe God doesn't answer your prayers quickly because you keep interrupting him and don't give him enough time to think it through. :lachen:
 
ladysaraii said:
@hopeful

Are you doing the online course of hers? I'm still debating. I need to get off my duff and sign up.
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I was, but now I'm not sure. I'm still in grad school, gotta focus on finishing the semester strong. Thinking about doing the audio celebrating partnerships that kimbosheart talked about upthread though.
 
hopeful said:
I was, but now I'm not sure. I'm still in grad school, gotta focus on finishing the semester strong. Thinking about doing the audio celebrating partnerships that kimbosheart talked about upthread though.
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See that's how I am. I'm taking three class this term. I could just listen to the recordings later, but...

I would be surprised if she didn't have another online class in the future.
 
Finally finished queens code. I will be re-reading it to ensure I didn't miss out on any lessons and start reviewing her videos.... I forgot about it. I'm upset that I'm done the book. So much to learn...so much more could have been discussed. Anyway, I'm so grateful for what I've learned. & how it will change my life
 
I've not read much over the past few days.. As many have posted, what I've read so far is good for "healthy" men.
My sword has been silently swinging most of this weekend; earlier today I had to share the negative thoughts. I wasn't necessarily emasculating the man (by my standards) ...but I have to admit that I do hope the book gets to how to handle/avoid idiots. As a result of the below backstory and what I've read so far, I will take greater measures to not allow certain characters to drain me.


BACKSTORY; I tried to give limited counsel to a friend who has major health problems and won't be able to return to work. (we are all prior military, based on that and our friendship the line of questioning and disclosure were not out of bounds)
On Friday I gave this friend a ride to-&-from an appointment; during the ride I inquired about his 2 to 4 month plans
(long-term disability, and family to come stay with him).....Here it is 3 month's after his crisis he's just getting started on LTD paperwork, and the family hasn't showed up yet; every month it's "they'll be here next month", blah blah blah. STD (ooops, short term disabilty) has ran out, and so is his money​
En route to his appt, I stated that next week he should be able to describe his plan(s) B, C, & D. Because plan A hasn't happened yet and if there are too many more delays he's going to be in trouble. En route from the appt; the convo came up again and he told me...and I quote.."Honey, I don't roll like that; I got a plan A and I'm sticking with it....my (family member) will be here right after Thanksgiving....."

I was stunned. I just simply looked over at him with a Mr T quote going through my head. After mulling over the situation all weekend I picked up the phone and called a mutual friend of ours (sword in hand) ....and tagged him to try to address the situation because after 2 days my head still hurts.
 
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@Ivonnovi
I think the benefits of the techniques are seen much quicker with a healthy boyfriend or husband. And then it's easier to leave the sword. I'm very open and swordless with all men and our interactions are nicer and better generally but honestly it's not earth shattering. It's the interaction with dh that is mind blowing because he's healthy, masculine, and loves me.

I also heard on one of the videos where she said you can peacefully walk away from a person. You are just like ok this isn't good for me. But if you are thinking what an idiot etc. or yelling don't come near me again, you are holding a sword or need some healing etc.

When I was reading your post your interaction with your friend seemed very masculine. You were driving him to and from an appointment. You inquired about his plans. You then suggested to him what he should do. You had so much accountability toward him which she said is very draining to women if we take on too much accountability. Just some observations and thoughts.
 
"masculine"? OUCH!!!! (but Thank You)
I wish I could deny that, but I am a retired senior military person; you don't rise through the ranks [in my field]
:bud:being perceived as soft [too feminine]. Heck, I though I did real good to have not confronted him with my observation, LOL. BTW, he is not allowed to drive as of yet, so I pitch in every now and then.
/\/\/\....and to be honest this is what I am here to fix. Again, thank you

(BUT, if my story & your response can help someone else see just how easy it is to slip into the masculine :brucelee:mode then that's well worth the $6.50)​
 
I'm sorry @Ivonnovi for causing any hurt with my words, but I appreciate your openness and appreciate you still saying thank you. You had to take on a certain persona to be so successful in the military. I am proud of you. But it sounds like you want a king or one in the making, and so you are in the process of learning how to be a queen. Queens are soft but also strong, smart, wise, productive, and very appealing. I think you will be much happier as you develop a more feminine side.
 
Also @Ivonnovi if a man has any healthy masculinity in him, he is much more likely to respond better to your femininity. You will get a lot farther by listening, lightly encouraging, and focusing on you. Asking for help and assistance more vs. giving assistance etc. It seems counter intuitive if you are used to taking the lead. Feminine power is not weaker than masculine power, just different. You will be surprised at what you can accomplish and how much you will inspire. I notice when I become overly helpful to dh he becomes annoyed. It makes them feel like little boys and they see us as controlling, mothering, and even scolding. In other words it is emasculating and does not bring out their best.
 
I wanted to talk more about mothering in general. I was talking to an older relative. She had a handy man at the house and she was telling me how she told him twice that he should eat lunch. He was around 60, a non-relative, that she just met the day he showed up to do work. I was kind of caught off guard and didn't really respond to what she told me. I guess she noticed and said I guess once a mother always a mother. I just said well I know that is your go to style :perplexed:. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to criticize her nor did I want to condone or praise her for doing that.

I just know when she described the situation to me it made me feel funny. The thought came to me that once a person is past a certain age, as in no longer a child, mothering them is passive aggressive emasculation. Maybe I'm doing too much? Overthinking this? Maybe it's no big deal and just being nice? Or how older people are? But this relative does this to everyone regardless of age and really gets on people's nerves with the don't forget your jacket and I really don't think you should do this or that, etc. I know sometimes our kids (young and as adults even) need some babying and extra tending to, but on a regular basis and constantly and when not asked for or needed, I think it is harmful to relationships. Hampers children from growing up and learning lessons. Makes husbands less attracted to you, etc. And just plain annoying. Also not a good model to kids if mom is always focused on and worrying about others.

When I read Getting to I Do, she said once a child is 5 you should get back to you and being more feminine again. Of course you still cook for them, wash clothes, etc. but the babying and over mothering is too much.

I think this is part of the Queen's Code conversation. Any thoughts ladies?
 
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Layluh said:
So am I the only one doing the book club with Alison now?!
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Kimbosheart said:
Nope I am too
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I decided to pass this time and marinate on what I've already learned. I will probably re-read the Queen's Code, listen to the Celebrating Partnerships audio, and do the Noble Healing (Healing Your Heart/ Restoring Your Honor) workshop/audio tape. That's enough and all I can handle for now. Keep us updated on how it goes.
 
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