The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

almond eyes said:
There is this guy who loves to take it there with his teasing me in front of other people. In the past, I would emasculate him and chew him out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now, I just realize he is trying to get a rise out of me and get my attention. I know that because I was attracted to him I may have ignored him in public settings in the past which spurred him to react with such teasing or what Allison would say is male emasculation of females.

Men want two things from women sex and attention. So, instead of my usual fall back emasculating position, I just directly respond without the extras or voice raised. And he is now shocked that I am just not going there with him and he calms down.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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So how is he reacting to you now?
 
hopeful said:
It's so easy to pick up the sword again :look:. It may not be as big or as sharp or even be wielded in the same fashion as before, but it is easy to pick it up again when life gets busy or you are caught off guard by a slight or what you perceive as a slight. Work in progress ...
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Don't I know that! When I thought SO was ignoring me, and not wanting to spend any time with me last time he was here, was because I emasculated him several times. So @hopeful you are NOT alone.
 
hopeful said:
Welcome niknik253! @caribeandiva and @Kimbosheart manage the goodreads group. We haven't been posting there as much lately. But if they add you to the group someone will respond to your comments or questions. Otherwise, feel free to post your thoughts here if you are comfortable with that. I hope you enjoy it as much we did. And as you can see some of us are now re-reading it.
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Thank you. I started reading it, however I thought I would read the first book and then this one. This first book seems just as intriguing as this book!!! I am so blessed to have found these books ( thank you ladies!!).
 
Chocoluxe said:
Hey ladies!! I havent yet read TQC, but I listened to the conference "In Sync with the Opposite Sex" and took the notes below:

Picture your in the ideal relationship!

What are u willing to provide?

What are u expecting to get/receive? What is it that u need? What would make u happy? What will u be upset without?

Say it all before ur first date, any attachment or any investment. This will sort out all bad matches. It's a good thing!!! Rejection is not bad.

Make sure he likes your body type and/or body. If not, its a recipe for disaster.

Women must be desired or they will be miserable!!
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As i mentioned previously my ex/current and i were hanging by a string...so while he's figuring things out...I'm dating. I met someone that's really pursing me in a way I've never experienced and on our first date he actually spoke about what he will provide. He was very clear & what he wants. All the bold above was him asking ME!

Providing a home for me a carefree life.....being a great partner/husband....wanting me to have his baby :eek: and not worrying about working too much. I've known him for many years but we haven't seen in ages for at least 5 years..and now here we are.
i think we're too old to have more kids (45) we both of grown teenagers/adults... but i just don't know how to handle his wants. it's just so clear cut & not what i was expecting so soon... most men take months to say it or figure it out.

its scary. i told him no sex until later...when i feel in love with you...he's cool with that...i don't want my mind to be more confused...:spinning: with his wanting, his claims to hold me down
 
Ok guys, Ive been in and out of this thread and I finally purchased TQC a couple days ago, but I havent been able to read it yet. I picked up the sword on Thursday night :look: and have been refusing to respond to any advances from the gentleman. Based on this thread, I realize this directly conflicts with what TQC teaches. I want to put the sword down and move forward amicably, but Im wondering if AA provides any guidance on how to do this.

@hopeful @caribeandiva and anyone else with any insight.

TIA!
 
Have a question for you ladies. My sister is a new mom and she wants her husband to help her out more around the house. How can she say this in TQC terminology?

She'll be reading the book soon.

Thanks.
 
Chocoluxe said:
Ok guys, Ive been in and out of this thread and I finally purchased TQC a couple days ago, but I havent been able to read it yet. I picked up the sword on Thursday night :look: and have been refusing to respond to any advances from the gentleman. Based on this thread, I realize this directly conflicts with what TQC teaches. I want to put the sword down and move forward amicably, but Im wondering if AA provides any guidance on how to do this.

@hopeful @caribeandiva and anyone else with any insight.

TIA!
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You have to be willing to feel vulnerable and risk being hurt. Are you willing to do that? You have to believe most men in general have good intentions but are different from women. Not worse or dumber than us, just different. Do you believe that? Do you have good boundaries? You have to take good care of you and your femininity. Are you doing that? Read the book, read the book, read the book :).

Don't feel bad about picking up the sword. Let it go. You are not perfect and neither is he. Take his next call, listen, tell him you need time to think, and thank him for calling.
 
Chocoluxe said:
Ok guys, Ive been in and out of this thread and I finally purchased TQC a couple days ago, but I havent been able to read it yet. I picked up the sword on Thursday night :look: and have been refusing to respond to any advances from the gentleman. Based on this thread, I realize this directly conflicts with what TQC teaches. I want to put the sword down and move forward amicably, but Im wondering if AA provides any guidance on how to do this.

@hopeful @caribeandiva and anyone else with any insight.

TIA!
Click to expand...
Like @hopeful says: Read, read, read the book. It'll make a lot more sense once you do. Who knows? You might not be ready to put down your sword just yet. You will learn why picking up the sword is so dangerous to YOU. You will also see all of the subtle ways that we pick it up. It is scary to denounce the sword but it is keeping us women from the relationships we dream of. You will feel naked and exposed without it. Ironically that is when you are the most lovable because the real you is finally being seen. Like someone mentioned earlier in this thread: It's like a lion bearing it's teeth constantly and wondering why no one wants to get close and make love to it. Or women with "resting ***** faces" on purpose wondering why men never seem to approach them. Men are usually reacting to us women. We have a lot more power than we realize.
 
Chocoluxe said:
Thanks for the advice @hopeful and @caribeandiva Im on ch3 and the clarity I've received thus far is very helpful. I'm going to fall back and delay any action until the best course of action is revealed.
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Good idea. I think the most frustrating part about TQC is that it still is not magic. It can't make the wrong guy the right guy. It's so powerful on most men but some, and unfortunately sometimes the one you want, will not be moved. I think we all have to accept that.
 
Happy Holidays ladies.

Okay one question before you ladies disappear for the next few days.

So, when a man talks to me and I want to show interest in the conversation, I tend to say, "wow" a lot. And I swear it isn't meant to be sarcastic, it's like I know that they need me to show that I am listening more than just a head nod. So, what word or body language can indicate when a man is speaking that your are listening more than just using the word 'wow' or 'okay' or do I nod intently throughout.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Happy Holidays ladies.

Okay one question before you ladies disappear for the next few days.

So, when a man talks to me and I want to show interest in the conversation, I tend to say, "wow" a lot. And I swear it isn't meant to be sarcastic, it's like I know that they need me to show that I am listening more than just a head nod. So, what word or body language can indicate when a man is speaking that your are listening more than just using the word 'wow' or 'okay' or do I nod intently throughout.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

I think nodding your head and saying uh huh, etc. is fine. What really works too IMO is asking clarification questions. Like oh so you are going to do ___, what cities or how do you plan to address ____ issues etc.
 
almond eyes said:
Happy Holidays ladies.

Okay one question before you ladies disappear for the next few days.

So, when a man talks to me and I want to show interest in the conversation, I tend to say, "wow" a lot. And I swear it isn't meant to be sarcastic, it's like I know that they need me to show that I am listening more than just a head nod. So, what word or body language can indicate when a man is speaking that your are listening more than just using the word 'wow' or 'okay' or do I nod intently throughout.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...
I say hmmm mmm...yes....mmm......and rephrase what they say to indicate I'm listening.....\

so much you can find out when you let these men talk....
 
Listening to 2 women in particular regularly complain about their husbands. I haven't said a peep about TQC. I'm sure they would think, what do you know single girl :giggle:

There is one guy I know who is becoming an EMT. I always make a point to ask him, "whose life did you save this week?" He always lights up.
 
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hopeful said:
I think nodding your head and saying uh huh, etc. is fine. What really works too IMO is asking clarification questions. Like oh so you are going to do ___, what cities or how do you plan to address ____ issues etc.
Click to expand...
Sweetg said:
I say hmmm mmm...yes....mmm......and rephrase what they say to indicate I'm listening.....\

so much you can find out when you let these men talk....
Click to expand...
Co-signing. :yep:
 
UPDATE on the roster.

DISCLAIMER: [to the best of my abilities] No swords were swung. I maintained my femininity and affirmed my boundaries. I’m back to the sorting process as I had Narrowed it down to 2, then to 1 due to his proximity. Wrong Answer… Wowsers…..and bummer.​

My initial impressions were that we had very compatible personalities and share a similar sense of humor. Though he’s not the type I’d usually swoon over the personality made up for it. He definitely believed in putting his best forward…(remember this is the guy I apologized to because I’d mistakenly text and called when trying to reach another “roster member”).

I’ve traveled this past week, and was quite sick yesterday; he was hoping to come over today if for nothing else but to check on me….. (what a sweetheart) :flowers:BUT:

Let me just give you my exit speech (I'd prepared Talking Points on and delivered it via the phone, whilst declining his counteroffer to meet out somewhere): ...... “Though in many ways we are compatible, I’m afraid I cannot be the type of girlfriend you are looking for. …..We are unevenly yoked, and can't cultivate a meaningful relationship at this time… I understand you have children [teens] at home and you have provided sound reasons as to why your place is off limits for the moment but UNDERSTAND THAT, I stand firm on my statement about how we won’t be hanging around my place either....... Now about your Ex; on several occasions you made the following statement:” she’s supposed to be living with her mother”; is it that you don’t know where she live or is she still in the house with you?” ……..

HIM: [Yes, ........after acknowledging the omission of that detail]

ME smiling and admiring the wonderful polish job on my sword…while channeling a Marilyn Monroe :gorgeous: voice : Well [dear], that just does it for me; as I said before, I won't be a part of that. I am looking for a meaningful relationship; and not one of convenience.

HIM: ...[not quoting him but....let's just say that I TQC listened to a repeated but more frank description of his situation; filled with relationship language :oops:that included me:rolleyes: in the picture]

ME.... feigning empathy and still smiling: "I understand the predicament you’re in with the financial ties and the houses not being sold. :getwell: Perhaps once those ends are tidied up we can reconnect. I’m sure we’d both give our :heart3:daughters the same advice."

Gosh darn it, now I really don't have a date for New Year's Eve; on the other-hand it seems I'm cleaning house of "struggle-friendships"....
 
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Ivonnovi said:
UPDATE on the roster.

DISCLAIMER: [to the best of my abilities] No swords were swung. I maintained my femininity and affirmed my boundaries. I’m back to the sorting process as I had Narrowed it down to 2, then to 1 due to his proximity. Wrong Answer… Wowsers…..and bummer.​

My initial impressions were that we had very compatible personalities and share a similar sense of humor. Though he’s not the type I’d usually swoon over the personality made up for it. He definitely believed in putting his best forward…(remember this is the guy I apologized to because I’d mistakenly text and called when trying to reach another “roster member”).

I’ve traveled this past week, and was quite sick yesterday; he was hoping to come over today if for nothing else but to check on me….. (what a sweetheart) :flowers:BUT:

Let me just give you my exit speech (I'd prepared Talking Points on and delivered it via the phone, whilst declining his counteroffer to meet out somewhere): ...... “Though in many ways we are compatible, I’m afraid I cannot be the type of girlfriend you are looking for. …..We are unevenly yoked, and can't cultivate a meaningful relationship at this time… I understand you have children [teens] at home and you have provided sound reasons as to why your place is off limits for the moment but UNDERSTAND THAT, I stand firm on my statement about how we won’t be hanging around my place either....... Now about your Ex; on several occasions you made the following statement:” she’s supposed to be living with her mother”; is it that you don’t know where she live or is she still in the house with you?” ……..

HIM: [Yes, ........after acknowledging the omission of that detail]

ME smiling and admiring the wonderful polish job on my sword…while channeling a Marilyn Monroe :gorgeous: voice : Well [dear], that just does it for me; as I said before, I won't be a part of that. I am looking for a meaningful relationship; and not one of convenience.

HIM: ...[not quoting him but....let's just say that I TQC listened to a repeated but more frank description of his situation; filled with relationship language :oops:that included me:rolleyes: in the picture]

ME.... feigning empathy and still smiling: "I understand the predicament you’re in with the financial ties and the houses not being sold. :getwell: Perhaps once those ends are tidied up we can reconnect. I’m sure we’d both give our :heart3:daughters the same advice."

Gosh darn it, now I really don't have a date for New Year's Eve; on the other-hand it seems I'm cleaning house of "struggle-friendships"....
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Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and knowing what you can and can't put up with. It sounds like he's full of drama. You don't need that.
 
hopeful said:
How is everybody doing? I found that laying down the sword to be profound. But a key lesson is also that we should not ask a man for something he can't provide. What if that thing he can't provide is something you need in order to be happy in the relationship? Then what? Keep it moving?
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I say yes, KIM. If it's something you absolutely need (e.g., honesty, affection, a provider, etc.) then you should keep it moving if the man is unable to provide it. If it's a want - even a strong want - then you can negotiate.

IME, compromising what you need sets both of you up for resentment down the line and everybody loses. You don't get what you need so you're seething and your partner is upset because you told him it was something you could live without, only to turn on him later and possibly blame him for your unhappiness.
 
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