The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

I totally understand why the grandmother waited for her daughter to come to her seeking info about men. I have tried to share some of the info Ive read with other women in my life and they have been very unreceptive and sometimes downright defensive. I think Im done sharing although I feel bad about sitting on this info, because it could be really helpful to those that are open minded. Oh well, I guess they will figure it out and/or will be led to ask or find out about materials on their own when the time is right.
 
Chocoluxe said:
Yippie!! Cant wait to discuss :drunk:
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I listened to it, amazing. Again, so glad to be participating in this forum. It is really true that learning is important.

Essentially, the main ingredients that I got from this audiobook was the following without spoiling it for others:

Men are basically in four categories: Pages (little boys), Knights, Princes (early, middle and late) and King/Elder.

Knights want a woman who will have fun with him and keep up with him. He isn't necessarily trying to marry a woman in the knight phase. This stage is 20's to early 30's. They want adventure and fun. And they will even use these words.

Princes want a woman who will nurture them and support their endeavors. Many Princes have a goal they are working towards so they can be singular focused and they aren't doing it on purpose. Women dating or married to a Prince must be very understanding and listen more and have their back. Nurture and Pleaser aren't the same. They want a woman who is confident in taking care of her needs until he is able to be there will her fully once he completes his goal. Key word with these men "Build".

Mid life crisis or tunnel phase.

King phase/Elders: Usually men in this phase want women to be receivers of their gifts they have come to peace with who they are and are comfortable in their own skin.

Now, yes there are some exceptions to these rules but for the most part this will help us women understand the phase that your man is in and be able to navigate these choppy waters.

Let me know your thoughts.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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almond eyes said:
It really demonstrates that men really feel themselves to be protectors and want to please women and if they can't fulfill the request they won't even attempt to do it. They don't need to know why like women do. They just go in and do it, like St. Bernard's.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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Thank you. That makes sense. Like I said it wasn't a big ask, but I appreciate that he took it seriously enough to find out how/if he could help.
 
Has anyone noticed that men touch them more since starting TCQ? There's a man at work who now always touches my arm when he comes into the office. My desk is close to the entrance, but I observed him and he doesn't touch any of the other women. he was not doing this before I read TQC. Now it's nothing sexual and he's married but I just wonder if men can't help but want to be close in some way to women who are not frog farming them?
 
Chocoluxe said:
Is anyone reading or listening to The Amazing Development of Men also written by Allison?
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I started listening to this on the way to work. Mistake. I didn't want to stop. She is SO good! She makes me want to just scoop up all the men and give them a sisterly hug. They are not being bad. They are just acting at THEIR level, which really doesn't have a value attached to it. It is what it is. AA can sell me anything!
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Has anyone noticed that men touch them more since starting TCQ? There's a man at work who now always touches my arm when he comes into the office. My desk is close to the entrance, but I observed him and he doesn't touch any of the other women. he was not doing this before I read TQC. Now it's nothing sexual and he's married but I just wonder if men can't help but want to be close in some way to women who are not frog farming them?
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Oh my goodness, yes this happened to me last week!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Chocoluxe said:
I totally understand why the grandmother waited for her daughter to come to her seeking info about men. I have tried to share some of the info Ive read with other women in my life and they have been very unreceptive and sometimes downright defensive. I think Im done sharing although I feel bad about sitting on this info, because it could be really helpful to those that are open minded. Oh well, I guess they will figure it out and/or will be led to ask or find out about materials on their own when the time is right.
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I did a road trip with my Melissa. This!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately too many of us so called "farmers" have had experiences that re-inforce the reasoning for our farming practices; and if you try to get some of us to look at the experiences more objectively then...well....in their eyes it's heresy and subject to the Death Stare or deadly silence followed by Verbal Judo
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Has anyone noticed that men touch them more since starting TCQ? There's a man at work who now always touches my arm when he comes into the office. My desk is close to the entrance, but I observed him and he doesn't touch any of the other women. he was not doing this before I read TQC. Now it's nothing sexual and he's married but I just wonder if men can't help but want to be close in some way to women who are not frog farming them?
Click to expand...

Yes. Matter of fact, my seatmate on a flight gave me a hug and was beaming from ear to ear. There was nothing sexual about the interaction.
 
Ivonnovi said:
I did a road trip with my Melissa. This!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately too many of us so called "farmers" have had experiences that re-inforce the reasoning for our farming practices; and if you try to get some of us to look at the experiences more objectively then...well....in their eyes it's heresy and subject to the Death Stare or deadly silence followed by Verbal Judo
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How was the road trip?
 
Ummm, Kinda glad you asked.....

My "mother's husband" is quite literally on his last leg and he's back in the hospital. They live a little more than 4 hours away from me.

To politely set the situation up, please read my siggy and understand that he is the type of man I'm warning folks to stay away from, and my mother is the type of woman that ab-so-lute-ly does not know the difference between the type of characteristics described within.
"Melissa" did the day-trip with me to help me keep my sanity and to give me feedback on their situation. In that effort she ("Melissa" ) was a wonderful blessing; not only to me but for my mother also.

It was the discussions during the drive to and from that got "a little dicey" and I refrained from trying to re-frame her thinking that "All men are stupid..... They all (-)....... All I need them for/to do is........"
I restrained myself because I would have also had to defend my "mother's husband"; who as my mom announced in our presence "he had already cashed in? his life insurance, [years earlier] 'cause as he told her he ain't planning to leave nobody sh!t...." So she took a policy out on him to ensure she'd have enough to bury him....blah blah, blah". Meanwhile she's doing everything she can to ensure he's comfortable and taken care of despite her needs.

"Melissa" and mom had a brief discussion on the bolded; "Melissa" was sharing a fresh perspective with me en route back home. TBH I was too emotionally stunned & drained from the whole (stay calm, be supportive, don't draw the sword....or pull the plug) experience to offer a rebuttal.

ETA: I observe him to be a person who somehow survived almost 80 years as a Page or Early Stage Prince. Never matured to be a King. As a tween (when we met) I didn't have the tools or vocabulary to describe this but I knew something was not-quite-right. They made it a point to present their dysfunctional relationship as normal to us kids;....IMHO this is ground-zero for my frog farming lifestyle; definitely why I self-identify as being highly allergic (reactive) to BS.
 
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Ivonnovi said:
he had already cashed in? his life insurance, [years earlier] 'cause as he told her he ain't planning to leave nobody sh!t...." So she took a policy out on him to ensure she'd have enough to bury him...
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image.gif

Wow.. I have no words. Just wow... That's tough. You can't help your mom because she can't see what you see. This is a tough situation to be in. At least you had Melissa there to support you in her own way.
 
caribeandiva said:
Yeah I noticed that too. I think it's because we're more open to them and emit a more inviting aura. Some of them go out of their way to shake my hand. I didn't think much about it but now I'm like hmm? :scratchchin:
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ArrrBeee said:
Yes. Matter of fact, my seatmate on a flight gave me a hug and was beaming from ear to ear. There was nothing sexual about the interaction.
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Today another male coworker playfully thumped me on the back a few times. I think we are on to something. This is good.
 
From the Development of men:
"Men don't do anything unless there's an obvious opportunity to succeed."

"Men don't try, they only engage when their chance for success is high."

If something fits, they go with it but men don't try to make things fit. Women should just let them be and don't try to push them into anything.

Wow.
 
I was waiting at a hotel yesterday for a meeting with someone who was running late. And a guy that I didn't know got me a bottle of water and a snack. Another guy winked at me and one of the managers came and sat next to me to tell me about his vacation. I was like "Wow" as well. I must say that they guy who got me a bottle of water, was not my type physically but I didn't want to refuse such a gracious gesture. He did ask for my number and that was a hard one to navigate because he wasn't my type. On the AA scale, he registered a one for me.

Of course, we give off a lot of non verbal communication which AA doesn't address before the communication begins or perhaps she did when she said Alpha Males go straight for the women they are attracted to but if you are his type but frowning or in a hunched back position I'm not sure if he will even attempt to go there. But men are naturally curious about women, if you are their type they will find a way to make contact; women though have to do their part in creating the tipping point. And all you have to do it sit erect, smile and look cheerful in other words be inviting. And have a killer feminine look or jeans and a nice fitted top.

In the past, before I read AA, I felt like I had to make things happen with men. If a man stared at me and smiled back, I felt compelled to go over to him and blab. And many times if a man had a huge crush on me and it was over before it ended, I was always devastated and I didn't realize I was doing something wrong I was not a frog farmer but I was playing role of the aggressor and also mothering. Now, I realize I don't have to try so hard or work so hard, I don't have to be a pleaser just pleasant and feminine. And listen be interested.

This approach has turned many of my male relationships around in a way that I can only say is profound. Even the men, who had crushes on me and are interacting with me again are intrigued once again. And I am going to avoid all my past mistakes as much as possible. I feel like the best way to describe the male and female relationship is as how many authors describe it, it is like a tango dance. You can't have two people leading a tango, you can't have one person on their own in a tango and you also can't have two people in the passive tango position. The more passive partner though has an enormous power though as she doesn't even know it.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
million dollar point..when a man is intriguedddddd its a beautiful thang!!!

add a woman who has a welcoming aura and vibe and bingo jackpot!!! happy you are experiencing this life changing...shift....:toocool:

almond eyes said:
I was waiting at a hotel yesterday for a meeting with someone who was running late. And a guy that I didn't know got me a bottle of water and a snack. Another guy winked at me and one of the managers came and sat next to me to tell me about his vacation. I was like "Wow" as well. I must say that they guy who got me a bottle of water, was not my type physically but I didn't want to refuse such a gracious gesture. He did ask for my number and that was a hard one to navigate because he wasn't my type. On the AA scale, he registered a one for me.

Of course, we give off a lot of non verbal communication which AA doesn't address before the communication begins or perhaps she did when she said Alpha Males go straight for the women they are attracted to but if you are his type but frowning or in a hunched back position I'm not sure if he will even attempt to go there. But men are naturally curious about women, if you are their type they will find a way to make contact; women though have to do their part in creating the tipping point. And all you have to do it sit erect, smile and look cheerful in other words be inviting. And have a killer feminine look or jeans and a nice fitted top.

In the past, before I read AA, I felt like I had to make things happen with men. If a man stared at me and smiled back, I felt compelled to go over to him and blab. And many times if a man had a huge crush on me and it was over before it ended, I was always devastated and I didn't realize I was doing something wrong I was not a frog farmer but I was playing role of the aggressor and also mothering. Now, I realize I don't have to try so hard or work so hard, I don't have to be a pleaser just pleasant and feminine. And listen be interested.

This approach has turned many of my male relationships around in a way that I can only say is profound. Even the men, who had crushes on me and are interacting with me again are intrigued once again. And I am going to avoid all my past mistakes as much as possible. I feel like the best way to describe the male and female relationship is as how many authors describe it, it is like a tango dance. You can't have two people leading a tango, you can't have one person on their own in a tango and you also can't have two people in the passive tango position. The more passive partner though has an enormous power though as she doesn't even know it.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...
 
almond eyes said:
I was waiting at a hotel yesterday for a meeting with someone who was running late. And a guy that I didn't know got me a bottle of water and a snack. Another guy winked at me and one of the managers came and sat next to me to tell me about his vacation. I was like "Wow" as well. I must say that they guy who got me a bottle of water, was not my type physically but I didn't want to refuse such a gracious gesture. He did ask for my number and that was a hard one to navigate because he wasn't my type. On the AA scale, he registered a one for me.

Of course, we give off a lot of non verbal communication which AA doesn't address before the communication begins or perhaps she did when she said Alpha Males go straight for the women they are attracted to but if you are his type but frowning or in a hunched back position I'm not sure if he will even attempt to go there. But men are naturally curious about women, if you are their type they will find a way to make contact; women though have to do their part in creating the tipping point. And all you have to do it sit erect, smile and look cheerful in other words be inviting. And have a killer feminine look or jeans and a nice fitted top.

In the past, before I read AA, I felt like I had to make things happen with men. If a man stared at me and smiled back, I felt compelled to go over to him and blab. And many times if a man had a huge crush on me and it was over before it ended, I was always devastated and I didn't realize I was doing something wrong I was not a frog farmer but I was playing role of the aggressor and also mothering. Now, I realize I don't have to try so hard or work so hard, I don't have to be a pleaser just pleasant and feminine. And listen be interested.

This approach has turned many of my male relationships around in a way that I can only say is profound. Even the men, who had crushes on me and are interacting with me again are intrigued once again. And I am going to avoid all my past mistakes as much as possible. I feel like the best way to describe the male and female relationship is as how many authors describe it, it is like a tango dance. You can't have two people leading a tango, you can't have one person on their own in a tango and you also can't have two people in the passive tango position. The more passive partner though has an enormous power though as she doesn't even know it.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

I think this is critical. Women should be somewhat self-centered and draw the masculine in. A man once described a woman he liked having a gravitational effect on him, ie she sucked him in. What I struggle with is that men these days are used to being frog farmed, used to being approached by aggressive women or just scared. Listening to the Development of Men, it's also clear that men who don't think they are ready or good enough won't step to a Queen no matter how much he may be attracted to her since he thinks he doesn't have a shot...Again, this is me wanting to scoop up the good men who have been damaged and let them know that they have a shot! A good guy will always have a shot with a good woman.

I would love for you to expand on the tango analogy, especially about passivity in both partners and the more passive partner having enormous power.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I think this is critical. Women should be somewhat self-centered and draw the masculine in. A man once described a woman he liked having a gravitational effect on him, ie she sucked him in. What I struggle with is that men these days are used to being frog farmed, used to being approached by aggressive women or just scared. Listening to the Development of Men, it's also clear that men who don't think they are ready or good enough won't step to a Queen no matter how much he may be attracted to her since he thinks he doesn't have a shot...Again, this is me wanting to scoop up the good men who have been damaged and let them know that they have a shot! A good guy will always have a shot with a good woman.

I would love for you to expand on the tango analogy, especially about passivity in both partners and the more passive partner having enormous power.
Click to expand...


I used to think that being a 'self centered woman' was a bad thing. And mind you we are not talking narcissistic but a woman who is feeling herself is very appealing to men. But I realize it is a good thing draw men in. I remember many years ago agonizing whether to call a man or not and stressing away for weeks only to call him and walk away very embarrassed. I didn't realize that all along I had that power and once I picked up that phone or chased him I gave my power away.

I love your points about men feeling so scared about being frog farmed that they get scared. I guess as a woman that is our job to gently reel them in and stroke and massage rather than tame their ego. And if he still doesn't come around it means he isn't the one.

I don't like the word passive I should have chosen a better word, but I read that book by the black female author who studied men and women all over the world who had successful marriages. Now in a tango there has to be a leader who does the dipping and the turning. And the follower (perhaps better word than passive) who does the dip and the dive, but also has to wrap their leg around the leader and also has to walk and step in unison with the leader and glide. The follower has to be strong and agile and be able to keep up with her partner. If the follower isn't strong enough to hold the pose the both of them can fall or the dance can look very sloppy. It is actually the follower that makes the leader look graceful with their leg and arm movements. Women compliment men and should do so instead of trying to be like them and let men think they are leading with in actuality they actually need the follower a great deal. It takes two.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
I used to think that being a 'self centered woman' was a bad thing. And mind you we are not talking narcissistic but a woman who is feeling herself is very appealing to men. But I realize it is a good thing draw men in. I remember many years ago agonizing whether to call a man or not and stressing away for weeks only to call him and walk away very embarrassed. I didn't realize that all along I had that power and once I picked up that phone or chased him I gave my power away.

I love your points about men feeling so scared about being frog farmed that they get scared. I guess as a woman that is our job to gently reel them in and stroke and massage rather than tame their ego. And if he still doesn't come around it means he isn't the one.

I don't like the word passive I should have chosen a better word, but I read that book by the black female author who studied men and women all over the world who had successful marriages. Now in a tango there has to be a leader who does the dipping and the turning. And the follower (perhaps better word than passive) who does the dip and the dive, but also has to wrap their leg around the leader and also has to walk and step in unison with the leader and glide. The follower has to be strong and agile and be able to keep up with her partner. If the follower isn't strong enough to hold the pose the both of them can fall or the dance can look very sloppy. It is actually the follower that makes the leader look graceful with their leg and arm movements. Women compliment men and should do so instead of trying to be like them and let men think they are leading with in actuality they actually need the follower a great deal. It takes two.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

Great post! Thanks for the visual on tango. It's an excellent analogy.
 
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