The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

I was thinking about this book early this morning. I struggle with using those key words when communicating with my husband, but I see his chest actually puff up when I share stories with him about our daughter. The stories always include her thinking that her daddy is a hero.

For example, I was driving with my daughter (she's 3) in the car one day, and she asked me to use my phone to stream Peppa Pig for her. I said, "I can't. My phone isn't charged." Her first response was, "I need to tell daddy so that he can charge it."

If she's outside playing in her sandbox with me and a bee flies around (we have these stupid carpenter bees that seem to fly around in the summer), she's screaming, "Daddy! Daddy!" He could be inside and I could be sitting right next to her!

If I say, "I'm thirsty," she says, "Daddy, mommy needs something to drink."

If our Netflix is acting up, she says, "Daddy, can you call Netflix, it's not working."

The list could go on and on. She thinks that her Daddy hung the moon and the stars. He is her provider, her protector, and her hero. He loves to hear those things. Now, I just need to work on using those words or conveying that emotion myself.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
^ I think the language of heroes is great. I think it would be great for us to provide examples of using the words in various settings is work, social, dating, platonic, etc since the words are so uncommonly used. And I know you don't want to use them willy nilly but I'd like to have my arsenal ready.
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I think that I'm good in the workplace. My issue is male "friends". My male friends are the husbands/boyfriends of my female friends. I'm not even sure how I would or should apply the language.
 
Some thoughts. . .please correct me if I'm wrong:

-men are simple
-men tell it like it is
-if a man likes you, he will show/tell you (he may need to sort out whether he wants to pursue you but if he decides to, it will be clear)
-there is no need to 2nd guess or "figure things out"
-if a man is confusing you or seems "complicated" he's most likely not interested

I hope this doesn't come off as negative (I am trying to be more careful with my thoughts/words) but I think women can save a lot of time and energy by accepting the above. No need to waste time on what my friend calls "fantasy relationships." Men don't have the capacity to strategize/multi-task/etc like women. They are just really really direct.
 
@Belle Du Jour it may help to think of these writings as a way to learn more about women (yourself) and how to interact with people in a way that helps you be the best you. Please don't think I'm attacking or nitpicking your word choice, this is truly just my opinion and I'm hoping this perspective may help you or other readers.

It seems as though approaching TQC with the sole goal of "understanding men in order to get a certain result" (more dates, marriage) is not going to be beneficial to you or the men in your life. Because you can use this material to manipulate men. So perhaps, instead start with the suggestion of not looking for any meaning, or searching for any results but simply laying down your sword.
 
Kimbosheart said:
@Belle Du Jour it may help to think of these writings as a way to learn more about women (yourself) and how to interact with people in a way that helps you be the best you. Please don't think I'm attacking or nitpicking your word choice, this is truly just my opinion and I'm hoping this perspective may help you or other readers.

It seems as though approaching TQC with the sole goal of "understanding men in order to get a certain result" (more dates, marriage) is not going to be beneficial to you or the men in your life. Because you can use this material to manipulate men. So perhaps, instead start with the suggestion of not looking for any meaning, or searching for any results but simply laying down your sword.
Click to expand...

TBH I wasn't someone who really hated men or felt they were universally jerks. I'm pretty traditional, believe I'm submission, etc. For *me* TQC is more about understanding their behavior, because I wasn't really someone who castrated men. Understanding how they think has actually explained some of their actions that I internalized in the past. I may have thought that I did something to get a particular response. Also I'm not the manipulative type so TQC is not about getting men falling at my feet. The end result (again, for ME ) is using the information in a positive way to get the relationship I desire. :yep:
 
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Without telling my coworker about TQC, I asked her to do an experiment. She has a great husband who seems to be a great provider. I suggested that she thank him for providing (can't remember what) and to watch his body language. She reported back that he indeed stood up straighter and exhibited an air of pride and confidence. She was so excited and so was I. I've been also using this language with my male students and they love it. On another note, it's getting very easy to spot the frog farmers. Being around them is starting to irritate and drain me.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
TBH I wasn't someone who really hated men or felt they were universally jerks. I'm pretty traditional, believe I'm submission, etc. For *me* TQC is more about understanding their behavior, because I wasn't really someone who castrated men. Understanding how they think has actually explained some of their actions that I internalized in the past. I may have thought that I did something to get a particular response. Also I'm not the manipulative type so TQC is not about getting men falling at my feet. The end result (again, for ME ) is using the information in a positive way to get the relationship I desire. :yep:
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Well good luck. I'll bow out then.
 
Spoiler alert.

After digesting the book, I was initially upset about why Kim was so forward about wanting to have a sexual relationship with that older man.

But I now understand that from Kim's viewpoint she wasn't looking to be married and had been scarred from her past, and so Allison Armstrong said that a woman needs to be upfront with a man in terms of what she wants from a man from the start and if he walks away then move on. Stop trying to pretend or mold yourself to that man. So if you want a long term relationship say it, if you want only sex say it, be authentic.

The only thing that I fear Kim my experience is that she may bond too quickly to that older guy due to sex and then lose herself in the end. That is why Allison Armstrong also believes that having sex with a man too soon makes a woman bond chemically with a man.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
The only thing that I fear Kim my experience is that she may bond too quickly to that older guy due to sex and then lose herself in the end. That is why Allison Armstrong also believes that having sex with a man too soon makes a woman bond chemically with a man.
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I totally agree. I was like: "Wait Kim! Don't sleep with Jack yet! You'll be blinded by all the sex and won't be able to think clearly." I think from Kim's point of view she was facing her fear of sex head on with someone she could trust. Even Jack was a little upset at first that she propositioned him so early in the game so to speak. He thought that it was going to ruin something very promising. Then he put himself in her shoes and he was OK with it.

Having sex with a man does create a bond with that man for better or for worse. Blame oxytocin for that. It makes everything he says and does a lot more personal to you even when it's not. You feel a lot more vulnerable. The more sex you have with that man the stronger and stronger that bond becomes. So sleeping with a man too soon can be a recipe for disaster. Proceed with caution.
 
niknik253 said:
I just started the book, on chapter two now, Is it too late to join?
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Welcome niknik253! @caribeandiva and @Kimbosheart manage the goodreads group. We haven't been posting there as much lately. But if they add you to the group someone will respond to your comments or questions. Otherwise, feel free to post your thoughts here if you are comfortable with that. I hope you enjoy it as much we did. And as you can see some of us are now re-reading it.
 
caribeandiva said:
...
Having sex with a man does create a bond with that man for better or for worse. Blame oxytocin for that. It makes everything he says and does a lot more personal to you even when it's not. You feel a lot more vulnerable. The more sex you have with that man the stronger and stronger that bond becomes. So sleeping with a man too soon can be a recipe for disaster. Proceed with caution.
Click to expand...

This is interesting. Even as a married woman I sometimes have to pull back because while sex helps you bond, it can also make you feel very vulnerable. I think that is why we've had heated debates re withholding sex. If it's done as punishment that probably isn't right. But sometimes not wanting to have sex is about giving yourself time to heal, honoring how your body feels, and giving yourself time to regain perspective. Just pointing out that the sex thing is really big when you are at the beginning as well as later stages of a relationship. You really have to know yourself. I am always amazed at women who can separate emotions from the act of sex. I tip my hat to them.
 
It's so easy to pick up the sword again :look:. It may not be as big or as sharp or even be wielded in the same fashion as before, but it is easy to pick it up again when life gets busy or you are caught off guard by a slight or what you perceive as a slight. Work in progress ...
 
hopeful said:
This is interesting. Even as a married woman I sometimes have to pull back because while sex helps you bond, it can also make you feel very vulnerable. I think that is why we've had heated debates re withholding sex. If it's done as punishment that probably isn't right. But sometimes not wanting to have sex is about giving yourself time to heal, honoring how your body feels, and giving yourself time to regain perspective. Just pointing out that the sex thing is really big when you are at the beginning as well as later stages of a relationship. You really have to know yourself. I am always amazed at women who can separate emotions from the act of sex. I tip my hat to them.
Click to expand...

Great perspective!
 
caribeandiva said:
I totally agree. I was like: "Wait Kim! Don't sleep with Jack yet! You'll be blinded by all the sex and won't be able to think clearly." I think from Kim's point of view she was facing her fear of sex head on with someone she could trust. Even Jack was a little upset at first that she propositioned him so early in the game so to speak. He thought that it was going to ruin something very promising. Then he put himself in her shoes and he was OK with it.

Having sex with a man does create a bond with that man for better or for worse. Blame oxytocin for that. It makes everything he says and does a lot more personal to you even when it's not. You feel a lot more vulnerable. The more sex you have with that man the stronger and stronger that bond becomes. So sleeping with a man too soon can be a recipe for disaster. Proceed with caution.
Click to expand...

Can I get an amen to that you said it. Boy, have I not learnt this the hard way!!!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
There is this guy who loves to take it there with his teasing me in front of other people. In the past, I would emasculate him and chew him out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now, I just realize he is trying to get a rise out of me and get my attention. I know that because I was attracted to him I may have ignored him in public settings in the past which spurred him to react with such teasing or what Allison would say is male emasculation of females.

Men want two things from women sex and attention. So, instead of my usual fall back emasculating position, I just directly respond without the extras or voice raised. And he is now shocked that I am just not going there with him and he calms down.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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