The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

LoveisYou said:
On manipulative folks.....

Ladies w/ discernment and the insight to see into ppl's motives and intentions - that is a blessing and a gift you have, personally I don't think you have to draw your sword and those ppl, you can be warm and kind to them and that's it. You don't have to do them any favors or let them in, be kind and K.I.M. You see them from a mile away, you have the wisdom to put up your boundaries.
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This is perfectly said. I'd rather not engage than pick up the sword. If I think I know your motives because of history or whatever then I'm not going to go after you and tell you what I need from you or make you see the effects of your behavior. Not if I don't have too.

Plus. Manipulative people are usually that way out of something inside of them. Meaning don't take it personally. They aren't out to target you they will manipulate indescrimately to get what they feel they need. Again another reason of "what if they think they have a good reason?" And the following thought. "Since they behave that way, let me get out the way"
 
Britt said:
I could see this. I'm dating now so the premises in the book will come in handy. As I was reading some of the book I was even picturing my interaction with my exes, and damnit I got upset! A trail of emotions, thoughts, events started to come to me.
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Now that I am rereading the book again I can clearly see how I started it and was at fault with the guy I got upset with last week. He really was just reacting to me and here I was thinking he was a jerk. Thank goodness for growth and forgiveness indeed. :yep:
 
Hey ladies,
I want to revisit @Ivonnovi's quote below. This book has changed how I relate to my husband, men, and masculine energy in general. Even how I relate to my friends and my daughters. But now that I'm getting closer and more intimate with those I love and who love me, I'm becoming more intrigued with mastering intentional cutting :look:.

Ivonnovi said:
I cut everything down to what I'd like to respond to.
You are not really responsible for "how they feel"; you are responsible to ensure that you do not react or respond from a place of fear/anger. If someone is exhibiting inappropriate behavior even my prior statement might be difficult. Also, you're not to tolerate [the behaviors of] someone that makes you feel uncomfortable, just to hold on to your femininity.
As I'd stated in a few of my earlier posts, sometimes you have to be direct; certain personalities require that style of communications. Yes they will feel nicked because you said something they didn't want to hear or don't like; when they don't get their way.
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I really appreciate Ivonnovi's suggestions. Someone in the microaggressive incidents thread in OT also gave me a great way to address these random white women that try to invade my space. She suggested sugary sweetness while insulting them. It was something I would never think of naturally for some reason. Like very direct and yet passive aggressive. Anyway maybe this doesn't belong here as it's not about putting down the sword. But more about selectively picking it up to push people away who mean you harm. I am looking forward to trying it out:look:. I have parties to attend and traveling over the holidays so I'm sure an opportunity will present itself.
 
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Ok, so I read the whole book. I couldn't put it down because I saw so many areas in my marriage where I've looked at my husband as "misbehaving" and had the idea that he should just know better, when in reality, my husband spends most of his time bending over backwards to try to make me happy.

I'm going to go back and re-read it and start out slowly practicing what I've learned.

This may have been asked? Are any of you sharing this with other women in your lives?
 
cam2717 said:
Ok, so I read the whole book. I couldn't put it down because I saw so many areas in my marriage where I've looked at my husband as "misbehaving" and had the idea that he should just know better, when in reality, my husband spends most of his time bending over backwards to try to make me happy.

I'm going to go back and re-read it and start out slowly practicing what I've learned.

This may have been asked? Are any of you sharing this with other women in your lives?
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I shared with one friend who was in crisis with her husband. I told her to read the book. As far as I can tell she has been happy ever since. I only mention it if someone seems open. Most people are not ready.
 
I'm so happy that this thread and our posts are so helpful to others. I just asked dh to help with something around the house. He said ok but I felt slight resistance. My first instinct was to become annoyed and say something like well you said you were going to do it or so you want me to do it? Or something along those lines. But nope I kept it cool. Started thinking in my head about how much he loves me and all of the wonderful things he's done for me. I remained gentle and hopeful :). He literally took care of everything within 20 minutes :). Had I lashed out I would be writing a completely different post.
 
Ever since I told my brother what taking out the trash provides for me he's been taking it out pretty regularly. Today I took it out myself because he wasn't around and I didn't want to miss the trash pickup deadline. He asked me if I took out the trash and I said yes. He sounded disappointed so I won't be doing that again! Deadline or not. Man, Alison really knows her stuff!
 
caribeandiva said:
Ever since I told my brother what taking out the trash provides for me he's been taking it out pretty regularly. Today I took it out myself because he wasn't around and I didn't want to miss the trash pickup deadline. He asked me if I took out the trash and I said yes. He sounded disappointed so I won't be doing that again! Deadline or not. Man, Alison really knows her stuff!
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Yep! Even before I read AA I noticed that once they really "get" what something provides you, they really enjoy providing and don't want you doing their job. Dh gets mad when I lift heavy stuff or bring all the groceries in myself. Your brother sounds like a sweetheart.
 
caribeandiva said:
Ever since I told my brother what taking out the trash provides for me he's been taking it out pretty regularly. Today I took it out myself because he wasn't around and I didn't want to miss the trash pickup deadline. He asked me if I took out the trash and I said yes. He sounded disappointed so I won't be doing that again! Deadline or not. Man, Alison really knows her stuff!
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What does it provide to you? How did you say it?

I'm on chapter three lol
 
PrissiSippi said:
What does it provide to you? How did you say it?

I'm on chapter three lol
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I told him that taking out the trash made me feel yucky and gross every time I do it. Could be please do it instead to help me out?

At first I didn't even think he was paying attention because I said it in passing and I didn't use the word Provide. He's been doing it ever since so he must've heard me.
 
Just recently I decided to try[re-enter] the dating scene with the new tools/rules.
AA teaches that women tend to fall into "relationship" behavior way too soon; whereas men tend to stay in date mode way longer.​
So far I've had multiple emails and just one in person date (today). I'm finding it hard to keep the men and the convo's straight. Maybe this is why we settle down more rapidly. To assist in this endeavor I've created a roster, (I mean "spreadsheet").

I've found it easier to communicate with them from my new non-adversarial/non-guarded and up front perspective.
I still have not mastered my "cost for admission" but at least I'm no longer walking around with my list of "this will get you cut with the Quickness".

I have had some in depth convos with one guy about the TQC. He's intriqued by her concepts; I'm amused because he's still pining for some woman that's just "Not That Into Him" and he's slowly starting to realize it and I think warm up to me. I'll keep the honest conversations going ' but "no dice" on being the runner up.

  • Believe it or not the roster helps me with my analysis of them.
  • The old me would have focused on the initial 2 potentials and ignored other's (#4 is has a higher ranking than#1
  • #1 is definitely my body type (swooning), and has a compatible personality; and work background
  • #4 is also my body type, and has the calming personality that I need/crave (balances me)
  • #3 has a quirky sense of humor, we'll talk for the first time this evening
  • #5 is the maintenance man that has been ignored for se-ve-ra-l weeks. According to the recent texts and phone conversations I believe he wants a full-time job. This scares me because he's held the p/t maintenance position for almost a decade. A few years ago he make it clear he wanted kids, etc. for me that secured his slot as a on-call p/t maintenance man.
 
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Thanks Hopeful, I actually started the "roster" to help me keep notes on the ones I am interested in.
Also since we've only spoken on the phone or email, it is a quick reference to help me keep other facts about them organized;

During a first meeting I don't want the awkwardness of sitting across from someone and trying to remember if he's the one with 2 kids or 2 ex-wives, or 2 dogs.

I have been able to practice some of TQC teachings during the conversations, especially the listening and patience between questions..
 
Ivonnovi said:
Just recently I decided to try the dating scene with the new tools/rules.
AA teaches that women tend to fall into "relationship" behavior way too soon; whereas men tend to stay in date mode way longer.​
So far I've had multiple emails and just one in person date (today). I'm finding it hard to keep the men and the convo's straight. Maybe this is why we settle down more rapidly. To assist in this endeavor I've created a roster, (I mean "spreadsheet").

I've found it easier to communicate with them from my new non-adversarial/non-guarded and up front perspective.
I still have not mastered my "cost for admission" but at least I'm no longer walking around with my list of "this will get you cut with the Quickness".

I have had some in depth convos with one guy about the TQC. He's intriqued by her concepts; I'm amused because he's still pining for some woman that's just "Not That Into Him" and he's slowly starting to realize it and I think warm up to me. I'll keep the honest conversations going ' but "no dice" on being the runner up.

  • Believe it or not the roster helps me with my analysis of them.
  • The old me would have focused on the initial 2 potentials and ignored other's (#4 is has a higher ranking than#1
  • #1 is definitely my body type (swooning), and has a compatible personality; and work background
  • #4 is also my body type, and has the calming personality that I need/crave (balances me)
  • #3 has a quirky sense of humor, we'll talk for the first time this evening
  • #5 is the maintenance man that has been ignored for se-ve-ra-l weeks. According to the recent texts and phone conversations I believe he wants a full-time job. This scares me because he's held the p/t maintenance position for almost a decade. A few years ago he make it clear he wanted kids, etc. for me that secured his slot as a on-call p/t maintenance man.
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And I thought I was analytical! You win! :lol: in all seriousness though, it's great that you're dating several men at a time. It keeps you from getting attached too quickly.

JFemme said:
I'm intrigued by the sharing, discussions here.....

I have so many books on tap to read....smh...

You all make it sound worth it....lol
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Read it! It's life changing! You can always pick up your other books later. :yep:

FoxxyLocs said:
I'm super late but I'd love to join the discussion. Are you guys still posting in the goodreads group? I think I aleady have a profile there.
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Yeah we post here more now. I'll add you over there too. :yep:
 
Hey Ladies, I travelled so now I am trying to get over my jet lag.

I have a question. I am going to a few social events this season.

Many women will be at these functions dressing also sexy and very long weaves everyone here looks the same. So, how do I stand out and 'lure' in the men. What if at functions the lights are dim? If I guy that I like comes and talks to me do I gently lean in and hug him as a greeting and how do I keep him captivated when other women may try to jump in and interrupt?

What are the best colors and outfits (dresses, skirts)?

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
One of the biggest lessons for me from Queens Code is not interrupting. I can be a talker when I'm in the mood but ever since I've Alison is sooooo right. See what happens when you listen and let him complete his thoughts (w/out suggesting/interrupting). Your mind will be blown by how much he will reveal.
 
LoveisYou said:
One of the biggest lessons for me from Queens Code is not interrupting. I can be a talker when I'm in the mood but ever since I've Alison is sooooo right. See what happens when you listen and let him complete his thoughts (w/out suggesting/interrupting). Your mind will be blown by how much he will reveal.
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This is true. I thought I was listening and that my guy was just quiet. Nope. He's a chatterbox when I really shut up and wait the 30secs when he pauses.
 
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