The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub
- Thread starter caribeandiva
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caribeandiva
Human being
Thank you! I will.
I usually lurk in this thread, but I absolutely love the support @hopeful and @Kimbosheart give out.
I am glad you addressed him in a positive and feminine manner. The ball is in his court. Please continue to live your best life and if he is deserving to be in it then so be it....
also to add not sure what is the exact nature of the relationship, just because someone writes you letters every day while your away doesn't nec mean you are important to them, what Im trying to say is people will do what you allow. I would've only kept in touch with him if prior to him leaving we were in a clear no questions asked relationship.
He should've planned his week while he is back home and YOU definitely should be in it, maybe he is a bad planner or bad communicator iunno but best believe if ive spent days and time keeping in touch with you then I would be shocked you didn't see fit to do the same in regard to making time for me...
with men its a new lane TQC but deleting him is an act out of anger, i would've kept him on and just continued living my life like its golden and shined my light bright and not for nothing i would've had some other eggs in my basket as well
you will be fine and im sure you will hear from him and if not thats fine to..next!!!
TQC is teaching us to let go and let god and come from a positive, feminine versus angry, annoyed, frustrated place....as in take our anger and feel it/process it but dont lead with it or dont plant it and let it grow...feel it and cast it away into that ocean baby because your shipping is sailing to better places...
also to add not sure what is the exact nature of the relationship, just because someone writes you letters every day while your away doesn't nec mean you are important to them, what Im trying to say is people will do what you allow. I would've only kept in touch with him if prior to him leaving we were in a clear no questions asked relationship.
He should've planned his week while he is back home and YOU definitely should be in it, maybe he is a bad planner or bad communicator iunno but best believe if ive spent days and time keeping in touch with you then I would be shocked you didn't see fit to do the same in regard to making time for me...
with men its a new lane TQC but deleting him is an act out of anger, i would've kept him on and just continued living my life like its golden and shined my light bright and not for nothing i would've had some other eggs in my basket as well
you will be fine and im sure you will hear from him and if not thats fine to..next!!!
TQC is teaching us to let go and let god and come from a positive, feminine versus angry, annoyed, frustrated place....as in take our anger and feel it/process it but dont lead with it or dont plant it and let it grow...feel it and cast it away into that ocean baby because your shipping is sailing to better places...
BK Bombshell
Well-Known Member
@caribeandiva
Just wanted to add that you shouldn't take it personally. It's quite possible that to him, the letters are his way of showing you he cares so it's "covered." Also, remember men are single-focused and the military is the biggest thing in his life right now (hence him doing military stuff while on leave). He might just be trying to become a better man for you. BTW, it sounds like he's still in his knight phase (action/adventure, etc.) or has a LOT of it left in him.
If you really like him, then don't roast him or cut him out of your life. Just find other things to do (and people to date) while he's doing what he's doing. He'll resurface eventually, but by then you may have found someone else and in that case, that's his loss.
You expressed what you need, so he knows. That's all you can do, so now it's time to be receptive and let him come to you.
Just wanted to add that you shouldn't take it personally. It's quite possible that to him, the letters are his way of showing you he cares so it's "covered." Also, remember men are single-focused and the military is the biggest thing in his life right now (hence him doing military stuff while on leave). He might just be trying to become a better man for you. BTW, it sounds like he's still in his knight phase (action/adventure, etc.) or has a LOT of it left in him.
If you really like him, then don't roast him or cut him out of your life. Just find other things to do (and people to date) while he's doing what he's doing. He'll resurface eventually, but by then you may have found someone else and in that case, that's his loss.
You expressed what you need, so he knows. That's all you can do, so now it's time to be receptive and let him come to you.
Layluh
Well-Known Member
Things have gotten so much better. I decided to not pay for any of Alison's stuff and just branch out on my own. Before Her I was always paying for information to help me deal with Dh but now I decided to spend it on myself instead.
By us taking care of me I have so much more to give him. i didn't have energy for anything before this. I'm much more cooperative, LIGHT, funny, loving, patient etc.
He handles and takes care of everything and all I have to do is take care of myself. I'm so thankful.
By us taking care of me I have so much more to give him. i didn't have energy for anything before this. I'm much more cooperative, LIGHT, funny, loving, patient etc.
He handles and takes care of everything and all I have to do is take care of myself. I'm so thankful.
Ivonnovi
Well-Known Member
Oh Dear!!!!
(see bolded *) Remeber what AA says about how women view "dating" different than men view it?
We women are quick to react to a dating situation as though it is a "re-la-tion-ship; you should not consider yourself " in a relationship" anyone that does not have time for YOU.
It is good that you recognize where HE is in developing; but I suggest you also reevaluate your "admission charge" and/or requirements. AA, also states that when we pursue a man he only has two options,
As a Retired Military person who has been on both sides of this "situation", I will say that at best he's experiencing "Tunnel Vision" and the 3rd option will take place 'cause he's "focused".
YET as a woman I again advise you or anyone in this situation NOT to hold your breath awaiting their "favor". As another post advised: Continue living "your life like it's golden"; fill your time with activities and things that are important to you (not related to him).
Afterall, RELATIONSHIPS require reciprocity, and agreement between both parties.
....no swords are being swung or sharpened in the content above; I'm just feeling rather direct today
(see bolded *) Remeber what AA says about how women view "dating" different than men view it?
We women are quick to react to a dating situation as though it is a "re-la-tion-ship; you should not consider yourself " in a relationship" anyone that does not have time for YOU.
- Don't be a Lady In Waiting.
- I assume his family has taken up a lot of his time; along with maybe a few friends. Problem is that he hasn't bothered to include you in any of it.
- He probably only has a few days of Leave (vacation); and he's trying to make the most of it. Assuming ya'll live within an hour of each other you [his girlfriend?] should not have to beg for time.
- If he's just finished [Army] Basic, chances are he'll be home again around Christmas; (The Army does what they call Exodus and shuts down most training for approx 2 weeks during the Christmas holidays) .
It is good that you recognize where HE is in developing; but I suggest you also reevaluate your "admission charge" and/or requirements. AA, also states that when we pursue a man he only has two options,
1-to give in (not a position of strength); therapist call this "capitulating"
OR
2-Run away/retreat.
AND
She also states that often they will make what to us is a last minute call for a date, because of the nature of how they respond to their needs/wants/desires.
OR
2-Run away/retreat.
AND
She also states that often they will make what to us is a last minute call for a date, because of the nature of how they respond to their needs/wants/desires.
As a Retired Military person who has been on both sides of this "situation", I will say that at best he's experiencing "Tunnel Vision" and the 3rd option will take place 'cause he's "focused".
YET as a woman I again advise you or anyone in this situation NOT to hold your breath awaiting their "favor". As another post advised: Continue living "your life like it's golden"; fill your time with activities and things that are important to you (not related to him).
Afterall, RELATIONSHIPS require reciprocity, and agreement between both parties.
....no swords are being swung or sharpened in the content above; I'm just feeling rather direct today
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caribeandiva
Human being
That's exactly why I'm shocked. We started dating before he left. I guess it was more serious to me than to him. Oh well. I do have other eggs in my basket. I'll keep myself busy and date others in the meantime. No sense wasting all of this pretty.
caribeandiva
Human being
Thank you. I think you're absolutely right about everything you said. He is trying to better himself to be more deserving of me. He said that before he left but I didn't take him seriously. I will date others ASAP. Maybe I'll meet someone else who's a better match for me. I put all of it in God's hands.
caribeandiva
Human being
You've been on both sides of this issue so your input means a lot to me. As someone he took home to meet his family before he left, i should not have to beg for scraps of his time. Now you see why I'm so confused? I am completely reevaluating my admission charge. Yes this hurts but I'm teaching him how to treat me. I'm also learning to stop reacting in anger. Like another poster said, i should have kept him on Facebook. I also blocked him from everything. So I had to go undo all of that. My first reaction whenever I'm heartbroken is to block the person everywhere! I'm gonna keep myself busy doing things that make me happy.
caribeandiva
Human being
Update: He's texted back! He said he dropped the ball and apologized. He said he hope I wasn't mad at him. I told him that I was at first but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him how I understand how crazy busy he must be right now. I also praised some of the qualities that I admire in him. Later on I told him that I hope he enjoys the rest of his trip and to have a safe flight back to his training. He said: Why are we not gonna see each other before I leave? I said: cuz you're busy. And left it at that. All in all I feel better now. I'm glad I shared my troubles with you ladies because now I know you've got my back without judging me. I really appreciate it.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Aww @caribeandiva thanks for the update. Haha now he's gonna be like why come she don't wanna see me? Lol. Talkin' 'bout have a safe trip back 
and you all chill about it too -- I love it. I'm also glad you admitted to being mad and then letting it go. Whatever happens you handled it all very well.
And yep, we got yo back, absolutely.
and you all chill about it too -- I love it. I'm also glad you admitted to being mad and then letting it go. Whatever happens you handled it all very well.And yep, we got yo back, absolutely
.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Ok so I'm realizing that I bring out that sword when I'm uncomfortable or around new people that I don't trust or sense they are up to something. I've almost completely stopped using it with my dh and people I interact with on a regular basis. So I will have to be prepared for the holiday season with parties and such. I'm a friendly, non-shy introvert so I think that's part of it too. I like interacting with people and yet I kinda don't lol. Anywho, what helped is me reminding myself to let go of that perfect person. At first I was upset with myself for picking the sword up recently with new people I just met, but I stepped back and said hey you're not perfect and it's okay. When you know better you do better. It's easier to whip out a sword than it is to establish and maintain boundaries with everyone.
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caribeandiva
Human being
Do you mean you attack them first before you are clear of what your boundaries are?
caribeandiva
Human being
Aww @caribeandiva thanks for the update. Haha now he's gonna be like why come she don't wanna see me? Lol. Talkin' 'bout have a safe trip back
And yep, we got yo back, absolutely
thanks. Now he's probably racking his brain wondering what I meant by that. Admitting to him that I was mad at him was a huge risk for me. It might not seem much to the rest of you but I used to hide my feelings from everyone. I'd be like: "it's ok. I've got it handled." Veerrryyy masculine. To me it was weakness to admit differently. It wasn't until one of my friends called me out on it that I realized I had a problem. I wasn't allowing people to see me hurt, scared, angry, etc... That kept them from really helping me, and loving on me when I needed it. It also kept true intimacy at bay because I wasn't showing them the real me. I chose to change that. I feel vulnerable every time I do it but I'm giving people a chance to love me like I love them. That's why posting this whole situation on here was a risk for me for the same reason. I'm learning to open up more. I feel safe enough here to do it.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I don't really attack. I feel suspicious so I'm kinda cool with them, subtly silent treatment them, to keep them at a distance. I've had so many people pretend to like me and dh but they really wanted something that I think I have become overly cautious. Dh has the kind of job where people are always angling for something. I'm sensitive about that. They think it's networking, being smart. I think they are being sneaky/manipulative. Dh expects it and doesn't care whereas I'm like please get out of my face unless you are sincere and want to get to know me. People asking dh for stuff (advice, help finding a job etc.) makes him feel good. For me it's invasive. It's a fine line for me because I want to be open and kind and expect the best of people but like 90% of the people we meet want something so the odds are against sincerity.
caribeandiva
Human being
I get it but I don't really see how else you can really handle that though?
Layluh
Well-Known Member
@hopeful that reminds me of one of my old mentors wives. His wife is so used to people trying to get over on them that she has a sword up but her sword has blocked them from opportunities. I personally think men are awesome judges of character - much better than women in general. Well my DH is better at that than I am so I don't worry about who we should/shouldn't get close to because I know he's going to tell me who is good or bad and why.
Like one time back when we were in the army there was a high ranking army official in our platoon who he told me to stay away from because he didn't trust him. I'm naive and nice to everyone so I would never have come to that conclusion about him, but I could see why DH didn't trust him- there was something unspoken about him- I couldn't put my finger on it though. But hey once he told me that, I stayed away.
I'm sure your DH will let you know who's bad or good.
Like one time back when we were in the army there was a high ranking army official in our platoon who he told me to stay away from because he didn't trust him. I'm naive and nice to everyone so I would never have come to that conclusion about him, but I could see why DH didn't trust him- there was something unspoken about him- I couldn't put my finger on it though. But hey once he told me that, I stayed away.
I'm sure your DH will let you know who's bad or good.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
I understand b/c I am similar. I will shut down or cut people off quick. Unless you are someone super important to me. But I internalize a lot of feelings, which isn't good in a myriad of ways.
Yeah that's rough. Although, it might not be a case of people pretending to like you. Just every connection isn't going to be destined to be a soul connection. It would easier if people could be up front about what they wanted, so you could be able to deal with them accordingly.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Thanks ladies. It puts me in a pickle. I don't want a soul connection. Just would be nice to have casual chitchat without people having alterior motives. But what can I do about that? I'm going to work on this throughout the holidays. I'm going to practice being swordless in social situations. 90% of the time I'm not using a sword with dh, my family, friends, my professors, when going about my day at the store, the bank, etc. (except for the occasional not perfect person slip ups) and all of my relationships have improved. So it's just a matter of giving it a go and practicing. And I think it's even more about boundaries. Alison pointed out that we have to be careful about how we expend our energy. I have to remember that it's ok to not be so friendly either to preserve my energy for those who matter most. And when I decide to open up and if the person turns out to be a drain, I can detach for my sake without cutting them. I can say to myself that I don't like how this feels and move along.
Like for instance okay I'm on a plane right now and this clear lady keeps trying to chitchat but I don't feel like chatting. She's staring at and fascinated by how much dh reads -- he loves newspapers. She commented on that. I just smiled. Then she's like what do you do? I'm like I'm just a lady like you. She's like you look familiar. Anywho I think there is a difference between not wanting to be bothered by a stranger and weilding a sword. Right? How do you ignore people without them feeling a cut? And I notice clear women are always frustrated when they are flying solo and see my dh doting on me, helping with my bags etc. Trying to insert themselves and seeking attention. So I guess it's different scenarios -- social events and the airport. I will figure it out one day at a time.
Like for instance okay I'm on a plane right now and this clear lady keeps trying to chitchat but I don't feel like chatting. She's staring at and fascinated by how much dh reads -- he loves newspapers. She commented on that. I just smiled. Then she's like what do you do? I'm like I'm just a lady like you. She's like you look familiar. Anywho I think there is a difference between not wanting to be bothered by a stranger and weilding a sword. Right? How do you ignore people without them feeling a cut? And I notice clear women are always frustrated when they are flying solo and see my dh doting on me, helping with my bags etc. Trying to insert themselves and seeking attention. So I guess it's different scenarios -- social events and the airport. I will figure it out one day at a time.
Ivonnovi
Well-Known Member
I cut everything down to what I'd like to respond to.
You are not really responsible for "how they feel"; you are responsible to ensure that you do not react or respond from a place of fear/anger. If someone is exhibiting inappropriate behavior even my prior statement might be difficult. Also, you're not to tolerate [the behaviors of] someone that makes you feel uncomfortable, just to hold on to your femininity.
As I'd stated in a few of my earlier posts, sometimes you have to be direct; certain personalities require that style of communications. Yes they will feel nicked because you said something they didn't want to hear or don't like; when they don't get their way.
caribeandiva
Human being
It resonated with your soul.
caribeandiva
Human being
Thanks.You handled it perfectly!!! Bravo...
If he wants to go on a date he'll ask me. I'm done chasing men. Besides I made other plans for this weekend.Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
I love this thread soo much. Reading the book is good, but actually reading the stories on how put the book into action is soo helpful.
yasss!!! 
the art of addressing...releasing and progressing...
addressing the situation/issue at hand..no silent treatment or ignoring
releasing...the negative thoughts surrounding the hurt feelings
and progressing to the good/happy...continue to live and be your awesome self!!!well done!
the art of addressing...releasing and progressing...
addressing the situation/issue at hand..no silent treatment or ignoring
releasing...the negative thoughts surrounding the hurt feelings
and progressing to the good/happy...continue to live and be your awesome self!!!well done!
Thanks.
Britt
Well-Known Member
I am glad you addressed him in a positive and feminine manner. The ball is in his court. Please continue to live your best life and if he is deserving to be in it then so be it....
also to add not sure what is the exact nature of the relationship, just because someone writes you letters every day while your away doesn't nec mean you are important to them, what Im trying to say is people will do what you allow. I would've only kept in touch with him if prior to him leaving we were in a clear no questions asked relationship.
He should've planned his week while he is back home and YOU definitely should be in it, maybe he is a bad planner or bad communicator iunno but best believe if ive spent days and time keeping in touch with you then I would be shocked you didn't see fit to do the same in regard to making time for me...
with men its a new lane TQC but deleting him is an act out of anger, i would've kept him on and just continued living my life like its golden and shined my light bright and not for nothing i would've had some other eggs in my basket as well
you will be fine and im sure you will hear from him and if not thats fine to..next!!!
TQC is teaching us to let go and let god and come from a positive, feminine versus angry, annoyed, frustrated place....as in take our anger and feel it/process it but dont lead with it or dont plant it and let it grow...feel it and cast it away into that ocean baby because your shipping is sailing to better places...
I agree with all of this. I'm still in the beginning of the book. I so enjoy reading everyone's posts
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