The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

caribeandiva said:
Slip ups happen. I can be a huge ***** when I'm PMSing to. Laaawwwddd... Now whenever I start feeling really pissy, angry or basically overreacting about something I normally don't. Then I check if my period is on Its way.
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Ugh yes...I was pms'ing both times I kicked my husband out of the house.

Actually I just realized the other day that many of my breakups were because of PMS. I dated someone for 3 months RIGHT before I met my husband, and I broke up and got back together with him 3 times in those 3 months. SMDH

When you know better you do better (hopefully)
 
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I've mentioned this before but I purchased the Healing Your Heart, Restoring Your Honor audio tape from AA and I keep going back to it. I haven't even used a partner to do it with like suggested and it is still very healing for deep, old wounds, as well as recent nicks, small cuts. I was trying to talk to dh about something, trying not to stew or go silent but it was sooo hard. After about 30 minutes of working with what she teaches, I was able to address the problem in a productive way, and all is well.

Plus it helped me resolve something else that had nothing to do with dh. And I have only listened to the first of four tapes.
 
almond eyes said:
Kindly give some examples of encouraging behavior and chasing behavior.

How do you pull a date out of a guy who is clearly interested and fishing.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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I am no expert, but here is what I think of regarding chasing vs encouraging:

Chasing:
-Asking a guy out
-Asking a guy for his phone number
-Always going over to him to initiate conversation
-Obvious or suggestive touch

Encouraging:
-Expressing interest in common activities with the hope that he will suggest that you do something together ("Oh, I enjoy listening to that band too!")
-Subtle suggestion that you spend time together ("Oh are you walking this way too?")
-Brightening up, looking him in the eyes, and smiling warmly when you see him (which hopefully beckons him over to you)
-Waiting patiently for him to talk to you instead of being up in his face (like the other frog farmers)
-Light or quick touch (ie a hand on the back when saying hello
-Asking for help or an opinion
-Complimenting him on something (directly or indirectly)
-Positive verbal reinforcement ("thank you for your help on this project!" or "I really enjoyed that book you suggested!")

That's all I got.
 
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Don't feel bad I frog farmed the heck outta dh last week over pizza
Yes pizza! **** got real he told me I killed the vibe and his overall demeanor was very tense

I felt bad there was a point I was trying to make but I should've waited until he got home to discuss

Mind you he kept saying babes let's discuss it when I get in, no my behind went off the deep end and just had to get it all out on the phone and via text

The teachable moment for me is before I would've thought this behavior was fine

Now I know I damn near chopped him to death with my sword and I was wrong and that is not the way to treat my dh nor was all that necessary

We're back on track but man I went to bed like what the pluck was I doing ugh @ myself

Of course I colored him to death and smoothed it over but still lol



tapioca_pudding said:
I slipped up and grabbed my sword last night. :wallbash: highly frustrating

It was a bad day - first day of my cycle, shitstorm at work, family life on fleek, etc. I got home from work after DH (he usually gets home after me) so I was hella frustrated because I hate not having dinner prepped, the house straightened up, etc. And when I walked in, he was watching sports and on his phone. For some reason that ticked me off LOL I have no clue why.

So I reverted to my "old" self and was very short/dry most of the night. Not rude or mean, I just gave very brief answers on everything and didn't engage as I usually do. He didn't let me get away though - he was in my face all night lol like, Woman you GON talk to me. :lol: He knows me.

He had today off but I needed to come into the office, so we've been exchanging playful texts all day thankfully.

I hate that I had a slip up though, but I know it happens..... I feel like it sets things back, though I know it can be repaired.
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Belle Du Jour said:
I am no expert, but here is what I think of regarding chasing vs encouraging:

Chasing:
-Asking a guy out
-Asking a guy for his phone number
-Always going over to him to initiate conversation
-Obvious or suggestive touch

Encouraging:
-Expressing interest in common activities with the hope that he will suggest that you do something together ("Oh, I enjoy listening to that band too!")
-Subtle suggestion that you spend time together ("Oh are you walking this way too?")
-Brightening up, looking him in the eyes, and smiling warmly when you see him (which hopefully beckons him over to you)
-Waiting patiently for him to talk to you instead of being up in his face (like the other frog farmers)
-Light or quick touch (ie a hand on the back when saying hello
-Asking for help or an opinion
-Complimenting him on something (directly or indirectly)
-Positive verbal reinforcement ("thank you for your help on this project!" or "I really enjoyed that book you suggested!")

That's all I got.
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Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
im lmao @ myself because it was a regular ole weekday and you should've seen the stuff i was pulling out..lingerie and baby oil..like NO i will not undo my progress...we gonna get back on the queens code good path...

lol weave all messed up..chile i was acting like this was the end up in that dere bedroom lmaooo

caribeandiva said:
:lachen::lachen::lachen:
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hopeful said:
Right?! I laughed out loud and my daughter was like whatcha laughing at? I had to make something up lol.
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Let's have some fun then. What are some of the surprising or unintended consequences of following TQC?

I'll start....

- Man Magnetism.... my SO is all up under me as soon as I'm home. And the men at work want rush to sit next to me or ask my opinion
- Gifts - Just like Kimberly people are always asking me if I need anything and my SO has been a lot more spontaneous with our dates. We are having so much fun.
- Creativity - I think this is also a spin-off from feminine belles but I've increased my creative pursuits and I can see my creativity spilling into all areas of my life.
 
Yes :yep: @Kimbosheart! I'm in grad school. I was feeling kinda stuck and unsupported by the professors in my department. I am figuring out how to have my needs met by asking and receiving -- finding people who want to support me and believe in me and my vision. It feels sooo good. My creativity regarding my graduate work is increasing daily.

Dh is so much more in tune with me now, almost like he is monitoring my happiness level. He seems to be on a mission to figure out how he can best support me, like it's a job.

Everyone around me seems happier, my goodness how is that possible? It's beautiful.

ETA: Men are constantly looking at me, smiling, trying to catch my eye. But since I'm married it's a little too much sometimes. I smile back but try not to engage too much lol.
 
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hopeful said:
Yes :yep: @Kimbosheart! I'm in grad school. I was feeling kinda stuck and unsupported by the professors in my department. I am figuring out how to have my needs met by asking and receiving -- finding people who want to support me and believe in me and my vision. It feels sooo good. My creativity regarding my graduate work is increasing daily.

Dh is so much more in tune with me now, almost like he is monitoring my happiness level. He seems to be on a mission to figure out how he can best support me, like it's a job.

Everyone around me seems happier, my goodness how is that possible? It's beautiful.

ETA: Men are constantly looking at me, smiling, trying to catch my eye. But since I'm married it's a little too much sometimes. I smile back but try not too engage too much lol.
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That is a great way to put it... my SO is extra helpful now and in charge of the quality of my time. Like no matter what it is, he wants to make sure I'm having fun and smiling about it. He calls to make sure I made it to my destination safely which is funny because we've been dating for awhile and this is a new habit from him. If I'm out of his sight for too long he comes to find me. And "too long" has gotten to be about 10 minutes max. Our communication, verbal and non-verbal, is much better.
 
Urgent question:

I just learned the first word in the language of heroes in Chapter 4: provide. The chapter left me hanging with the same questions that Kimberlee had:

How do you ask men who you are not in a relationship with (or wish to develop a friendship/relationship with) to provide for you? What does that look like? How do you use that word on them?? Am I missing something??
 
^^^I think something like, hey Bill, *Can you help me with ___?
Or
*I would really appreciate it if you would provide me/my team with some support on this project.

Followed with ... I know this is your expertise or you have worked on a similar project like this etc.

Followed by ... Your help would make it easier, help things move along more quickly etc.

I do know what you mean about it possibly being akward. I remember a lady asked dh to help her carry a big thing of water for her. He was annoyed because other men were available to help her and he was busy coaching my daughter's team. They need to feel it's worth their time, you are being genuine, and not objectifying them (trying to use them just because they are a man). I also think honorable married men will be cautious too if they sense flirtation etc.
 
hopeful said:
^^^I think something like, hey Bill, *Can you help me with ___?
Or
*I would really appreciate it if you would provide me/my team with some support on this project.

Followed with ... I know this is your expertise or you have worked on a similar project like this etc.

Followed by ... Your help would make it easier, help things move along more quickly etc.

I do know what you mean about it possibly being akward. I remember a lady asked dh to help her carry a big thing of water for her. He was annoyed because other men were available to help her and he was busy coaching my daughter's team. They need to feel it's worth their time, you are being genuine, and not objectifying them (trying to use them just because they are a man). I also think honorable married men will be cautious too if they sense flirtation etc.
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Thank you for your examples.

I think in a work setting, that makes sense. But what about a social setting? I'm wondering how to ask a guy I only know socially to provide something for me. What I would want him to provide is his friendship but I can't really just ask for that LOL.
 
why can't you Belle?

Me personally, I don't use any special words or language, but if I would like something I just ask and if I need it I definitely ask. That part hasn't been hard... actually specifically identifying what I want and being ok with that want has been harder for me than actually asking for it.

This has definitely come to the forefront with my studies on receiving. No wonder I wasn't getting what I wanted.... I didn't always know what that was or I felt I had to have a "good reason" for wanting it. I'm playing Cinderella now. I want it and that's all there is to it.
 
I wouldn't ask for that. From a man or woman. I think there are steps in between that lead to friendship.

Eta: the words aren't as important as the meaning behind them and how they appeal to the person you are communicating with.
 
hopeful said:
I wouldn't ask for that. From a man or woman. I think there are steps in between that lead to friendship.

Eta: the words aren't as important as the meaning behind them and how they appeal to the person you are communicating with.
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I agree that it doesn't seem right to literally come out and ask for that, even if that's what I'm really desiring. . .but what would AA say? Or did she answer Kimberlee's questions (how to ask for her father, Jack and Raul to provide for her and how to help them earn points for her) later in the book???
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I agree that it doesn't seem right to literally come out and ask for that, even if that's what I'm really desiring. . .but what would AA say? Or did she answer Kimberlee's questions (how to ask for her father, Jack and Raul to provide for her and how to help them earn points for her) later in the book???
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I don't recall her directly addressing wanting a friendship with a man. I'm assuming this man is single/available? If so I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you want/ hope for. Do you really just want to be a friend? Or are you hoping for more? Either way I think the best thing to do is be open, beautiful, happy. Focus on taking good care of you and nourishing your feminine energy. Wear more dresses. Make sure your sword is gone. Listen well, ask questions, be interesting. Pay attention, give compliments. When your feminine energy is on fleek and you are swordless you become irresistible. I honestly don't think most men out of college are actively looking for new female friends though. But I could be wrong so idk.

Also, re the points thing, I'm not sure how that works with someone you aren't in some kind of relationship with. I think the guy has to want to earn points with you but I'm not sure.
 
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Well for me the surprising/unintended consequences include:
1. Men are much more chivalrous and attentive - not just adults; young men, pre-teens, teenagers. At least four times last week, men rushed to open doors for me or, if they went through the door first, turned abound and came back to hold it - and apologized!

2. I get along much better with "masculine" women; TQC works on them too!

3. I'm more creative and I've rediscovered some of my old passions.

4. My coworkers who I rarely see (I work mostly from home) are falling all over themselves to do things for me - male and female.

5. I'm a much bigger flirt. I got a marriage proposal from a stranger. Yeah, he was about 800 years old, but it was very sweet. :lol:

6. I compliment women more. I was always generous with compliments, but now I look for any chance to give one.

7. I ask for help even when I don't "need" it so I can learn to be a better receiver. E.g., I was grocery shopping and whenever I needed something from a high or low shelf, I asked for help. Every.single.man went above and beyond for me. They not only got the item, they asked if I needed anything else. One man insisted on carrying my basket to the checkout and offered to help me carry my bags home (had to decline).

I feel much more peaceful and powerful because I know how much influence I have with everyone around me. I really think about how I speak to the men in my life and try to find the kindest ways to say things, even if I'm upset. I also spend more time listening and I'm getting soooooo much more information. Who knew just being quiet could be so helpful? I actually stumbled onto that "strategy" when talking to an ex last year. I was too shocked to speak so I just listened as he poured out his heart. It was quite stunning to find out why things happened the way they did. NOTHING happened for the reasons I thought. I wish I knew then what I know now, but I won't make the same mistakes again.
 
hopeful said:
I don't recall her directly addressing wanting a friendship with a man. I'm assuming this man is single/available? If so I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you want/ hope for. Do you really just want to be a friend? Or are you hoping for more? Either way I think the best thing to do is be open, beautiful, happy. Focus on taking good care of you and nourishing your feminine energy. Wear more dresses. Make sure your sword is gone. Listen well, ask questions, be interesting. Pay attention, give compliments. When your feminine energy is on fleek and you are swordless you become irresistible. I honestly don't think most men out of college are actively looking for new female friends though. But I could be wrong so idk.

Also, re the points thing, I'm not sure how that works with someone you aren't in some kind of relationship with. I think the guy has to want to earn points with you but I'm not sure.
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It's not so much wanting to be more than friends with these guys, but I don't know them well enough to say whether something more than a friendship would be appropriate. Does that make sense? At the point where I am in the book, Kimberlee is questioning what her relationship with Jack is, and she's wondering how to interact with him in a way that is consistent with TQC. She's coming from a different place then Karen, who is married. So I identify more with her at this point. Maybe Claudia will eventually answer those questions?
 
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I just learned the 2nd word and the example Claudia did for Kimberlee explained it well. I'm just not sure I could use the words spontaneously in a conversation though...it seems like you would have to think about how to use the word "provide " or "need" beforehand because those aren't typical words that you use with people on a regular basis. I'm just wondering if it sounds kinda rehearsed to a man? Anyway can't wait to learn the other 3 words!
 
Kimbosheart said:
Let's have some fun then. What are some of the surprising or unintended consequences of following TQC?

I'll start....

- Man Magnetism.... my SO is all up under me as soon as I'm home. And the men at work want rush to sit next to me or ask my opinion
- Gifts - Just like Kimberly people are always asking me if I need anything and my SO has been a lot more spontaneous with our dates. We are having so much fun.
- Creativity - I think this is also a spin-off from feminine belles but I've increased my creative pursuits and I can see my creativity spilling into all areas of my life.
Click to expand...
hopeful said:
Yes :yep: @Kimbosheart! I'm in grad school. I was feeling kinda stuck and unsupported by the professors in my department. I am figuring out how to have my needs met by asking and receiving -- finding people who want to support me and believe in me and my vision. It feels sooo good. My creativity regarding my graduate work is increasing daily.

Dh is so much more in tune with me now, almost like he is monitoring my happiness level. He seems to be on a mission to figure out how he can best support me, like it's a job.

Everyone around me seems happier, my goodness how is that possible? It's beautiful.

ETA: Men are constantly looking at me, smiling, trying to catch my eye. But since I'm married it's a little too much sometimes. I smile back but try not to engage too much lol.
Click to expand...


I'm loving the updates ladies. I'm only on chapter 2 but I'm enjoying the book so far.

Do you all see these changes after having read the book and doing the homework exercises? When I was doing a few lessons in CITO I was starting to see synchronistic things happening in my life... down right uncanny when I did the second week.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I just learned the 2nd word and the example Claudia did for Kimberlee explained it well. I'm just not sure I could use the words spontaneously in a conversation though...it seems like you would have to think about how to use the word "provide " or "need" beforehand because those aren't typical words that you use with people on a regular basis. I'm just wondering if it sounds kinda rehearsed to a man? Anyway can't wait to learn the other 3 words!
Click to expand...

Dh didn't seem to notice. When I used the precise words she teaches (which did feel wooden to me) he responded immediately. I changed the wording around more for me so that I felt more comfortable and genuine. And he still responded the same way. I really think it's more about being swordless, open, vulnerable, honest, and receiving really well. I think it's his masculine heart touching our feminine heart which calls on him to be noble and chivalrous. I do think I will go back to the original words from time to time though.
 
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