The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

[hopeful]

I'm loving the updates ladies. I'm only on chapter 2 but I'm enjoying the book so far.

Do you all see these changes after having read the book and doing the homework exercises? When I was doing a few lessons in CITO I was starting to see synchronistic things happening in my life... down right uncanny when I did the second week.

I didn't even really do the exercises. I focused more on my heart and experiencing the story. I really listened to Claudia and did what she said. The hardest thing for me was figuring out how to communicate and get my needs met without the sword. I thought I was a pretty nice person but who knew that I was going around slicing, cutting, and emasculating my love? I was shocked at how quickly dh responded to the change in me and at how positively. But I am even more blown away by how it has taken root in my life and is flourishing like this beautiful, lush garden, and is affecting everything and everyone in my life.

Eta: you know how we talked about how upset we get when we slip up? Learning to ignore that perfect person in us? Well I notice when I do get upset about something dh is grasping with that as well. Things are so lovely that he doesn't want things to get off track either so he kinda panics too and works with me earnestly to keep things on track.

 

[Britt]

I didn't even really do the exercises. I focused more on my heart and experiencing the story. I really listened to Claudia and did what she said. The hardest thing for me was figuring out how to communicate and get my needs met without the sword. I thought I was a pretty nice person but who knew that I was going around slicing, cutting, and emasculating my love? I was shocked at how quickly dh responded to the change in me and at how positively. But I am even more blown away by how it has taken root in my life and is flourishing like this beautiful, lush garden, and is affecting everything and everyone in my life.

Eta: you know how we talked about how upset we get when we slip up? Learning to ignore that perfect person in us? Well I notice when I do get upset about something dh is grasping with that as well. Things are so lovely that he doesn't want things to get off track either so he kinda panics too and works with me earnestly to keep things on track.

Thank you @hopeful
Can you help explain your second paragraph. I'm early in the book and this morning I see the author started to touch on perfection and how we expect perfection and thus expect it from men. I look forward to learning more about this b/c I have a struggle with this.

 

[hopeful]

Thank you @hopeful
Can you help explain your second paragraph. I'm early in the book and this morning I see the author started to touch on perfection and how we expect perfection and thus expect it from men. I look forward to learning more about this b/c I have a struggle with this.

Yes, she says that we expect men to respond to situations like we would, thus seeing them as hairy women. She says that from that standpoint men can't ever get it right because they are not women and think and behave differently. But we not only expect them to see and do things like we would, we want them to be the perfect woman. She says there is something about how we are wired where we seek perfection and hone in on anything that isn't just right. You can see then why we end up constantly disappointed and always punishing men for misbehaving. We need to let them be. We end up wanting perfection from them and ourselves. No one can win that way.

 

[Britt]

Yes, she says that we expect men to respond to situations like we would, thus seeing them as hairy women. She says that from that standpoint men can't ever get it right because they are not women and think and behave differently. But we not only expect them to see and do things like we would, we want them to be the perfect woman. She says there is something about how we are wired where we seek perfection and hone in on anything that isn't just right. You can see then why we end up constantly disappointed and always punishing men for misbehaving. We need to let them be. We end up wanting perfection from them and ourselves. No one can win that way.

Thank you. I can definitely see this as ringing true too.

 

[Taleah2009]

I'm loving the updates ladies. I'm only on chapter 2 but I'm enjoying the book so far.

Do you all see these changes after having read the book and doing the homework exercises? When I was doing a few lessons in CITO I was starting to see synchronistic things happening in my life... down right uncanny when I did the second week.

I am on chapter two as well so we are around the same place

 

[Ivonnovi]

Help!!!

I just abruptly hung up on a male friend; and I want to respond to his "I'm insulted" text without swinging a sword.
And AA says we shouldn't
Old Ivonnovi speak: This friend is like a [full] garbage truck just looking for a place to dump the load. He will dump all the trash he's recently accumulated from the news, gossip, or what ever.


New Ivonnoiv speak: This friend has an uncanny ability to embrace and share mayhem with anyone that will listen, despite their clear lack of interest in or resistance to welcome his news.

Briefly: I tried to redirect his conversation to something more "positive"; he recanted authoritatively with "Sometimes negative sh!t IS positive sh!t" . I warned him...-blah -blah....CLICK!


,......... Nevermind...... for the record....I just used my sword to write him a reality check. Some times you have to be direct.....I was......

 

[caribeandiva]

Help!!!

I just abruptly hung up on a male friend; and I want to respond to his "I'm insulted" text without swinging a sword.
And AA says we shouldn't
Old Ivonnovi speak: This friend is like a [full] garbage truck just looking for a place to dump the load. He will dump all the trash he's recently accumulated from the news, gossip, or what ever.


New Ivonnoiv speak: This friend has an uncanny ability to embrace and share mayhem with anyone that will listen, despite their clear lack of interest in or resistance to welcome his news.

Briefly: I tried to redirect his conversation to something more "positive"; he recanted authoritatively with "Sometimes negative sh!t IS positive sh!t" . I warned him...-blah -blah....CLICK!


,......... Nevermind...... for the record....I just used my sword to write him a reality check. Some times you have to be direct.....I was......

Use man speak: First apologize for hanging up on him. Then tell him you have a PROBLEM and need his HELP with something. Tell him you NEED your life to be positive and he could PROVIDE that by not filling your head with negative stuff.

Oh man, after using all of these Hero language words, he might be in your life for a long looonng time.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Use man speak: First apologize for hanging up on him. Then tell him you have a PROBLEM and need his HELP with something. Tell him you NEED your life to be positive and he could PROVIDE that by not filling your head with negative stuff.

Oh man, after using all of these Hero language words, he might be in your life for a long looonng time.

I honestly "Thank you".

However I am going to address something here that's tangent to what many doubters have been asking.

There are some personality types and or characteristics that would not respond well to some of the TQC techniques; these types include Narcissists, OCD, PTSD, etc and folks that behave like it.
AA suggests that we limit our exposure to them or avoid [them] She also acknowledge that "laying the sword down doesn't mean you won't slip up....it just means you promise to hand him his [balls] back, with an apology".​

The friend I referenced is in that category. He has always been that way, and now he's recovering from a recent stroke. He only seems to respond to communications that are: "Straight, No Chaser!". I'll hand "them" back on Monday; but I will not allow him into my weekend; not to punish him but because if I contact him, he'll text and call obsessively (OCD something) all weekend.

When I hand them back I [pinky] promise to try the Man Speak approach. Again, Thank You.

 

[hopeful]

Yes, please limit your exposure to this man. It sounds like he is who he is so leave him be. If you feel he must be in your life for whatever reason, gently and quickly get off the phone when he goes negative. Well I have to go now, you take care. I wouldn't apologize for anything either, just adjust your relationship and your expectations of him. Queens don't quarrel with frogs.

 

[hopeful]

Use man speak: First apologize for hanging up on him. Then tell him you have a PROBLEM and need his HELP with something. Tell him you NEED your life to be positive and he could PROVIDE that by not filling your head with negative stuff.

Oh man, after using all of these Hero language words, he might be in your life for a long looonng time.

I think this guy is a full grown and determined frog. I think she will be wasting time and precious energy on him jmho.

 

[Taleah2009]

Use man speak: First apologize for hanging up on him. Then tell him you have a PROBLEM and need his HELP with something. Tell him you NEED your life to be positive and he could PROVIDE that by not filling your head with negative stuff.

Oh man, after using all of these Hero language words, he might be in your life for a long looonng time.

Wow I would have never thought to address him like this. I am still on chapter 2 so I haven't gotten to the hero words yet. My initial reaction to reading the story was man just cut him off or ignore.

 

[Taleah2009]

I'm really loving chapter two. My husband is always saying how he wants our intimacy to be on a deeper level and I think to myself what does that mean???
But after reading Karen's phone conversation with Kim I realized I don't really really really listen to my husband. I am always so quick to interject. I am really going to focus on not jumping in when I ask him a question and just really wait wait wait wait while he digs deep to find the answer. No asking again, no rephrasing. Whew this is going to be a lesson in patience.

 

[Layluh]

I'm really loving chapter two. My husband is always saying how he wants our intimacy to be on a deeper level and I think to myself what does that mean???
But after reading Karen's phone conversation with Kim I realized I don't really really really listen to my husband. I am always so quick to interject. I am really going to focus on not jumping in when I ask him a question and just really wait wait wait wait while he digs deep to find the answer. No asking again, no rephrasing. Whew this is going to be a lesson in patience.

It really really helps to listen. I can't wait for your results!

 

[Ivonnovi]

Wow I would have never thought to address him like this. I am still on chapter 2 so I haven't gotten to the hero words yet. My initial reaction to reading the story was man just cut him off or ignore.

Thank you @Taleah2009 !!! I shared the situation here to open of some IRL dialogues on how AA's techniques might be applicable in [dare I say] "unscripted " situations.

 

[caribeandiva]

I honestly "Thank you".

However I am going to address something here that's tangent to what many doubters have been asking.

There are some personality types and or characteristics that would not respond well to some of the TQC techniques; these types include Narcissists, OCD, PTSD, etc and folks that behave like it.
AA suggests that we limit our exposure to them or avoid [them] She also acknowledge that "laying the sword down doesn't mean you won't slip up....it just means you promise to hand him his [balls] back, with an apology".​

The friend I referenced is in that category. He has always been that way, and now he's recovering from a recent stroke. He only seems to respond to communications that are: "Straight, No Chaser!". I'll hand "them" back on Monday; but I will not allow him into my weekend; not to punish him but because if I contact him, he'll text and call obsessively (OCD something) all weekend.

When I hand them back I [pinky] promise to try the Man Speak approach. Again, Thank You.

Oh I see. I agree with the other posters then. Cut him off. Your peace of mind comes first.

 

[caribeandiva]

My brother wants to read The Queen's code now. Lord help us!

 

[tatiana]

Hi

I have been reading the book and so far I am enjoying it.

To be honest, I was afraid to read it because over the years I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Due to certain events, I need to knock the wall down and see what happens.

This book is bringing back so many memories, some painful, from my love life and what I saw from my parents' marriage.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Duh, though I spoke with him briefly earlier this AM, I’d forgotten about my “Pinky Promise". So I called him back and tried to use the “Man Speak”……

I did not get through the suggested script but he was quick to tell me ….”yeah, yeah, yeah, I got that”. “I sent that to you in a text; you must not have read my text”……I acknowledged that I hadn’t (nobody got time to read dissertations).

I did repeat that for the past few weeks, I have been trying to focus on developing a more positive lifestyle, and that I need him to respect my requests as I work through this endeavor. Of course he agreed as he quickly exited the conversation.

I’d decided that I wouldn’t cut him off; but I will limit my interactions with him to only those that “I” deem beneficial or quality. This is the first time I’ve hung up on him BUT it’s not the first time I’ve given him a “positive convo only Ultimatum”; the ultimatums usually leaves him without anything to say…which is cool with me.

Bottom-line: He’ll probably get tired before I do. (and call on me less, way less)

 

[hopeful]

Hi

I have been reading the book and so far I am enjoying it.

To be honest, I was afraid to read it because over the years I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Due to certain events, I need to knock the wall down and see what happens.

This book is bringing back so many memories, some painful, from my love life and what I saw from my parents' marriage.

Welcome welcome, I am so happy that you are joining us on this journey.

 

[tapioca_pudding]

I fully notice that when I am unhappy with myself, I "take it out" on DH. Now of course I'm not hitting the man or putting his balls in a vice, etc. And I'm not mean at all. I think it's more my thoughts.... which of course affect my actions in subtle ways.

It's hard to explain but the upshot is that I need to work on some internal issues that I'm fighting/dealing with at this time, because I can see how they are affecting my interactions with DH in subtle ways.

I remember a couple years ago I was so frustrated in my relationship (before DH and I got engaged). I finally opened up to a married, very trusted close friend whose advice I knew I would be sound. She told me to create a note on Evernote (my app of choice) called, "Daily Thankfulness for DH". And every single time DH did something thoughtful/sweet/nice/kind/loving/etc, to jot it down. Even if it was small or seemingly insignificant ('Let me choose the movie', 'Cleared the dishes', 'Held the door open'), write it down, every occurrence. She said to do it for an entire month - focus on what I'm grateful for with this man instead of what he does to drive me crazy.

She said that if at the end of the month I reviewed the list and felt anything other than thankfulness... then he and I need to adjust some things/have a convo.

I did just that... and by the end of the month, that list was enormous. Even when I was upset with him - if he did something thoughtful or showed me a kindness in absolutely any way, I would write it down. At the month's end I reviewed the list thoroughly and was overwhelmed at ALL the things that he does, that I hadn't been acknowledging because I had been focusing on the few things he'd done to get on my nerves. And I was embarrassed with myself.

That was also when I realized that I had been very unhappy with myself and didn't realize it. I had gained weight, wasn't taking proper care of my appearance, was at a job that was stressful and well below my potential, had "friends" who completely drained me emotionally... with all of these things, I would get so upset at the SMALLEST thing within my relationship, and/or, 'take it out' on him.

This exercise really, really helped me to see not only what a truly exceptional man I have loving me, but it helped me realize that 90% of what I had been feeling was stemming from my own internal unhappiness with myself and my life. When I changed things and focused on being in a better place, EVERYTHING changed.

I still to this day write down the things that he does.. not quite as diligently as before but I still do it a few times a week, and I review it often, just to remain grateful and have true awareness of reality versus perception.

Feeling a bit reflective today after doing some reading last night... still re-evaluating myself.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I started reading the book over the weekend and it has been so helpful!

I vowed to put the sword down and implement some changes. I was on a flight and my bag was in the row behind me. Normally, I would try to get it myself, but I smiled at the man who was standing in the aisle next to me. We chatted for a minute and then I glanced back at the overhead bin. The man standing behind him noticed me looking and asked if I wanted help. I said yes and he happily got it for me. Later while on the shuttle, I started coughing profusely. The driver asked me if I wanted some water (provide) and I said I could wait until he stopped. He sensed my distress and maneuvered the van and the cooler to get me a bottle of water. After I exited, he asked me if I was feeling better. I smiled and thanked him for helping me.

Looking back, I could have totally messed up the situations by denying these men the opportunity to provide for me. I'm so glad that I didn't.

 

[caribeandiva]

I started reading the book over the weekend and it has been so helpful!

I vowed to put the sword down and implement some changes. I was on a flight and my bag was in the row behind me. Normally, I would try to get it myself, but I smiled at the man who was standing in the aisle next to me. We chatted for a minute and then I glanced back at the overhead bin. The man standing behind him noticed me looking and asked if I wanted help. I said yes and he happily got it for me. Later while on the shuttle, I started coughing profusely. The driver asked me if I wanted some water (provide) and I said I could wait until he stopped. He sensed my distress and maneuvered the van and the cooler to get me a bottle of water. After I exited, he asked me if I was feeling better. I smiled and thanked him for helping me.

Looking back, I could have totally messed up the situations by denying these men the opportunity to provide for me. I'm so glad that I didn't.

Good job!

 

[hopeful]

Welcome @ArrrBeee! Yay! Good for you ! Most men love to be of service and enjoy providing. I think it's cute how you just subtly glanced back at your bags lol I see you queen .

I think it's amazing how men know we're carrying a sword and become so cautious with us. It must be such a relief when they meet an unarmed woman.

 

[caribeandiva]

Ok ladies, I've been wrestling with this dilemma for the past few days and I need your help. This is very personal so I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. Since you ladies trust me to help with your problems, it's only fair that I allow you all to help me too.

So the guy I'm dating is finally home from boot camp after the past 3 months. He's only here for a week then be leaves again for 2 months. The problem is we haven't spent ANY time together since he came back. Zero. Zilch. Nada. It's usually military this military that. I was out of town over the weekend for my young cousin's funeral and that barely registered on his radar! I got one "wow, I'm sorry about that" and that was it. So I call him a few days later to set something up cuz i miss him and wanna set everything straight. He said he'd let me know if he can hang later that day because he's got military stuff to do first. He never called back. Yet he can go Facebook and update his page several times a day. So I unfriended him. I'm feeling hurt and angry that he doesn't seem to care about me. I feel ignored.

So I reread the chapter on princes in Keys to the Kingdom. I know he's in the middle prince phase right now. My friends are telling me to dump him because he's immature and self-centered and obviously doesn't care about my feelings. I don't trust their advice cuz they haven't read Alison's books and are frog farmers. That's why I'm asking you ladies here. What should I do? Is it really over?

 

[hopeful]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this @caribeandiva. He's been gone for three months and is only home for a week and hasn't spent ANY time with you at all? How many more days are left? When does he go back? I wouldn't have unfriended him so quickly but who really cares, what's done is done. Prince stage or not I would think a young man who was smitten and only had one week home would be so excited to see you. Maybe you wouldn't spend as much time together as you'd like, but still ...

You've reached out once and he hasn't returned your call so I don't really know what else you can do. It's a tricky situation because it sounds like you guys were dating and not bf/gf yet or committed to each other. I wouldn't go as far as to say he is immature, but maybe he just isn't the one. It's really hard to bond with someone while they are away if you aren't already in love IMO. Try not to take it too personally, okay? I hope he calls soon though and makes sure he sees you. If he doesn't or if he only spends a really brief time with you, you will have your answer. I wouldn't bother breaking up and all that, I'd just move along.

Eta: did he write or call you consistently while he was gone? The weeks preceding his return did he express excitement over seeing you again?

 

[caribeandiva]

Eta: did he write or call you consistently while he was gone? The weeks preceding his return did he express excitement over seeing you again?

Yes! Which is why I'm hella confused right now. He leaves on Monday. I think I'm gonna back off completely.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I'm so glad we all have each other to talk through these issues with. @caribeandiva, this is hard because we take all of their actions so personally - and sometimes we should. But... in this case we don't know that for a fact, yet.

Please keep in mind that I am coming from personal experience and lots of trial and lots of error since reading TQC and KTTK.

FIRST: when communicating with your man regarding his trip home- let your thoughts, actions and words come from a place of "I'm sure you had a good reason, but I'm having trouble understanding" hopefully this takes you and him out of an adversarial position. Also, hopefully you can receive enough information from him to make a solid decision on your next steps.

NEXT: in the meantime, do your best to give him space and time to come to you while you move forward with your life. I actually like that you've reached out to him already but now the ball is in his court and that is okay too.

 

[hopeful]

I would keep my sword down and see what happens. Whatever happens, don't let this make you bitter.

Ita with @Kimbosheart. Take extra good care of yourself too and your femininity .

 

[caribeandiva]

thanks @Kimbosheart and @hopeful ! I sent one last "I'm sure you have a good reason for this" text. Backing off completely now. The ball is in his court. I am proud of myself that I avoided the silent treatment for the first time in my life. I did everything I could to make this work. So if it doesn't work out I have no regrets.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I've learned that the only thing that truly heals a broken heart is to keep on loving. Love more

Don't become bitter. When your hearts already broken and then it hardens with bitterness -- it's just so sad to see women like that.