The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

BK Bombshell said:
Tell him how it makes you feel. E.g. "I really like you as a friend, but your romantic gest advances make me feel like you're not listening to me. I want to continue being your friend, but I also need to be able to trust you and you're making me feel unsafe."

Also tell him that if his behavior continues, you'll end the friendship. Then stick to your decision.

I had a friend like this and he just wouldn't understand that I wasn't interested. He had some great friends though who liked me and were decent guys, but he made sure to block anything from happening. I eventually had to end the friendship.
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Great tips. I think I should have used the code language. You have that down pat!!!!

So you had to drop your male friend how did you end the friendship straight up or give him the talk?. And if you could do it differently to save the relationship what you have done?

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Great tips. I think I should have used the code language. You have that down pat!!!!

So you had to drop your male friend how did you end the friendship straight up or give him the talk?. And if you could do it differently to save the relationship what you have done?

Best,
Almond Eyes
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We had a talk, but he persisted so I just stopped hanging out with him and taking his calls. Eventually he went away.

I don't know that I could've done anything differently to try to save the friendship. I was very clear from the beginning that I wasn't interested, but I guess he thought he'd wear me down. That doesn't work on me. And his behavior when we were hanging out with his friends was just crazy. I think he was trying to make it appear that we were more than friends which just really annoyed me. Especially since I had zero interest in him. We couldn't be friends because he wouldn't accept his role in my life and I don't like to keep repeating myself so that was that.
 
almond eyes said:
Great tips. I think I should have used the code language. You have that down pat!!!!

So you had to drop your male friend how did you end the friendship straight up or give him the talk?. And if you could do it differently to save the relationship what you have done?

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

Speaking of the Code Language, I can't help but wonder how he'd respond to a convo along the lines of:


"In order for our friendship to work I really need for you to understand that we can't be more than friends]. Though I really enjoy our friendship, the repeated romantic gestures are a threat to our friendship because though I don't want to hurt your feelings, I will no longer tolerate the awkwardness or uncomfortable feeling that result from your behavior.

Because I do think of you as a rather important friend, I need you to provide me from your perspective information [or clues on] what I've done or am doing to encourage you this from you". Perhaps an exchange of this information will be mutually beneficial to us both in future gatherings."​

What you need (and why), what he can provide, and the benefit to you (and him) for providing this.

Sorry if this sounds cheesy, tact and diplomacy are not my strong points.
 
Ivonnovi said:
Speaking of the Code Language, I can't help but wonder how he'd respond to a convo along the lines of:


"In order for our friendship to work I really need for you to understand that we can't be more than friends]. Though I really enjoy our friendship, the repeated romantic gestures are a threat to our friendship because though I don't want to hurt your feelings, I will no longer tolerate the awkwardness or uncomfortable feeling that result from your behavior.

Because I do think of you as a rather important friend, I need you to provide me from your perspective information [or clues on] what I've done or am doing to encourage you this from you". Perhaps an exchange of this information will be mutually beneficial to us both in future gatherings."​

What you need (and why), what he can provide, and the benefit to you (and him) for providing this.

Sorry if this sounds cheesy, tact and diplomacy are not my strong points.
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Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I guess finding the language that works for men from other cultures is the biggest challenge without sounding cheesy or like a prepared speech.

I am trying to use the language on him but he doesn't really get it and it is actually making him feel hostile. It's like they want you to hurt their feelings so they know the truth because their pride is so fragile. But in the end as BK bombshell pointed out if a man cannot respect your boundaries and is even trying to ruin relationships with other potential mates one must cut them off.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Layluh said:
It's light years better than fascinating womanhood. It's advice on how to deal with alpha guys who can't be manipulated through withholding sex, giving the silent treatment or whatever. The only way to deal with them is to be their partner. And there's a lot of advice on how to have a great career and relationship as a woman.

it frames everything with the question: "what if men aren't misbehaving? What if there's a good reason for everything they do?"
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Thanks for this description and understanding. Your description above describes my husband to the T! I will be downloading the book when I get home. I already started reading the first chapter for free on her site.
 
Will be re-reading this book more thoroughly starting this weekend, taking my time to digest everything and do some of the exercises. I am thankful that I retained a lot of the info from my first reading, and DH and I are doing very well (not that we were in conflict, etc). I just want to really ponder over everything and become a pro at the techniques and mind process, because we have some big life events coming up in the next year or two (large investments, starting a family, possible health issues, change in family dynamics etc). I want this to be second nature so that when hard times do arise, I can be in control and we can remain as we currently are.
 
@tapioca_pudding

I'm so happy for you. Sometimes it's hard to remember everything. When I get overwhelmed I focus on two things:

*Do not pick up the sword, do not pick up the sword, whatever you do, do not pick up the sword -- above all else we must keep that vow.

*Ignore the "perfect person" in my head because neither of us is or will ever be perfect.

After you feel you have digested the Queen's Code, consider reading Keys To The Kingdom.
 
hopeful said:
@tapioca_pudding

When I get overwhelmed I focus on two things:

*Do not pick up the sword, do not pick up the sword, whatever you do, do not pick up the sword -- above all else we must keep that vow.

*Ignore the "perfect person" in my head because neither of us is or will ever be perfect.

.
Click to expand...


The above is so so so important for us to keep top of mind...thank you!
 
Ahhh, I wish I had come into the Relationships forum earlier to start with you guys! I'm currently reading this book and am on Ch. 5. I KNOW I'll have to re-read it because it's a lot to digest. Unfortunately, I have no one to practice on, but at least I'll be ready
 
chocolat79 said:
Ahhh, I wish I had come into the Relationships forum earlier to start with you guys! I'm currently reading this book and am on Ch. 5. I KNOW I'll have to re-read it because it's a lot to digest. Unfortunately, I have no one to practice on, but at least I'll be ready
Click to expand...

Also, you can practice on any masculine person. It's not as exciting as working on a love interest but it's still good practice.
 
Just read this book on the plane and it had some gems! I'll definitely need to re-read to digest more. I thought I was a good listener before, but I practiced "listening to learn", and it's already made a world of difference on my current relationship. I also like the idea of laying down the sword - I've found the quickest way to disarm someone else (especially if they care about you) is to disarm yourself.
 
Okay ladies another question. So how do you handle a man who teases when do you know where to draw the line. If a man says the following, how would you handle it, "I hear so many black females in the law are single?" without flying off the handle. I know now not to have a tizzy fit and be calm as in the past. And also if a man that is in your social group that you are attracted to always talks about your physicality and your body, how to do deal with that to reel him in without feeling like he is objectifying you?

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
I noticed that ever since i put down the sword that I've been more authentic with everyone. I don't pretend to have it all together anymore. If I'm scared now i just say it. I allow myself to feel vulnerable. It's freeing.
 
almond eyes said:
Okay ladies another question. So how do you handle a man who teases when do you know where to draw the line. If a man says the following, how would you handle it, "I hear so many black females in the law are single?" without flying off the handle. I know now not to have a tizzy fit and be calm as in the past. And also if a man that is in your social group that you are attracted to always talks about your physicality and your body, how to do deal with that to reel him in without feeling like he is objectifying you?

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...
I would first wonder what his intentions are. Is he trying to hurt me? If so, why? Then I'd ask him in a calm, non accusatory way what he meant by that and to please enlighten you. You might find out that there is no malicious intent behind it. If there is then vacate the premises asap.
 
caribeandiva said:
I would first wonder what his intentions are. Is he trying to hurt me? If so, why? Then I'd ask him in a calm, non accusatory way what he meant by that and to please enlighten you. You might find out that there is no malicious intent behind it. If there is then vacate the premises asap.
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Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...


I guess if I get that there is no malicious intent and he is trying to get a rise out of me, I need to calmly throw the question back at him without sounding emotional and hyper. Maybe he is trying to ask me if I am single? because he isn't in the law and he just always happens to pose this question to me?

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Okay ladies another question. So how do you handle a man who teases when do you know where to draw the line. If a man says the following, how would you handle it, "I hear so many black females in the law are single?" without flying off the handle. I know now not to have a tizzy fit and be calm as in the past. And also if a man that is in your social group that you are attracted to always talks about your physicality and your body, how to do deal with that to reel him in without feeling like he is objectifying you?

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...

In the first case, it sounds like he's trying to shock/offend you so I'd ask "where did you read that? Why do you think that is?" Like you're genuinely curious and trying to get to the bottom of the "mystery." (Extra points for tilting your head, smiling and doing the innocent doe eyes.) Watch the shenanigans as he tries to explain his made up statistics. Then act surprised at this "new knowledge." Rinse and repeat until he gets tired.

For the second guy: According to AA, female objectification=male emasculation. So in order to "level the playing field," men will try to reduce you to your physicality when they fear being overwhelmed. This is from her site:

****
The experience most women refer to as objectification is being reduced to a sex object or a body part, as in "Look at those _____!" I think of objectification as anytime we reduce a whole human being to either a "thing" or a "function." It could be a sex object, but it could also be a maid, a cook, a secretary, a hag, etc. Whenever we think of another person in such simple terms, subtracting their entire mental, emotional, creative and spiritual nature, objectification happens.

Men have described objectification as their "last line of defense." When a woman overwhelms them with her sexuality or temper or demands or needs, it's the easiest way to protect himself from the full effects of the onslaught.

*******
I'm not sure how I'd handle the second one because I get really turned off when a guy approaches me like that. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation about something neutral (news, sports, work) and go from there. Maybe other ladies can chime in on this one.
 
BK Bombshell said:
In the first case, it sounds like he's trying to shock/offend you so I'd ask "where did you read that? Why do you think that is?" Like you're genuinely curious and trying to get to the bottom of the "mystery." (Extra points for tilting your head, smiling and doing the innocent doe eyes.) Watch the shenanigans as he tries to explain his made up statistics. Then act surprised at this "new knowledge." Rinse and repeat until he gets tired.

For the second guy: According to AA, female objectification=male emasculation. So in order to "level the playing field," men will try to reduce you to your physicality when they fear being overwhelmed. This is from her site:

****
The experience most women refer to as objectification is being reduced to a sex object or a body part, as in "Look at those _____!" I think of objectification as anytime we reduce a whole human being to either a "thing" or a "function." It could be a sex object, but it could also be a maid, a cook, a secretary, a hag, etc. Whenever we think of another person in such simple terms, subtracting their entire mental, emotional, creative and spiritual nature, objectification happens.

Men have described objectification as their "last line of defense." When a woman overwhelms them with her sexuality or temper or demands or needs, it's the easiest way to protect himself from the full effects of the onslaught.

*******
I'm not sure how I'd handle the second one because I get really turned off when a guy approaches me like that. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation about something neutral (news, sports, work) and go from there. Maybe other ladies can chime in on this one.
Click to expand...

AA mentioned that she just smiles, thanks them and then asks how their day is going. She treats them as human beings. She said it normally neutralizes the situation and guys are so shocked they start stuttering and it ends up being a relatively brief & positive encounter.

I dont know how this would work in places like NYC where the onslaught of attention from dusty negros can be overwhelming.
 
in this particular scenario....where this mofooo is clearly being ignant..i wouldve responded thats an interesting insight, my experiences have been a bit different ( i would have my i am so interested in what your saying face, your so wise..big smile..soft voice)....let him babble babble babble then i would say oh those are really nice shoes you have..i just love a well dressed man ( im objectifying your simpeletonass switching the convo to fashion because im not gonna let you raise my blood pressure) ...lmaooooo mofooooo

Ive learned to neutralize they asssssss lolol

so with men..whenever say they fall and bump their head and say something like nice tits or etc i counter by saying nice shoes....i like brown shoes on a man..it automatically turns the conversation into G-rated versus x and switches the energy of i wanna suck them tiddys to oh she is a nice lady lemme respond in a better manner....

neutralizing a situation is a very powerful thing..men, women, your boss whomever..its a way to take back control and shift the convo or communication into another direction....and you then have the power....

when you compliment someone in the middle of them being a total a-hole it throws them off they have no choice but to lighten up and be nice...they proceed to talk about themselves and you casually KIM


almond eyes said:
Okay ladies another question. So how do you handle a man who teases when do you know where to draw the line. If a man says the following, how would you handle it, "I hear so many black females in the law are single?" without flying off the handle. I know now not to have a tizzy fit and be calm as in the past. And also if a man that is in your social group that you are attracted to always talks about your physicality and your body, how to do deal with that to reel him in without feeling like he is objectifying you?

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...


QUOTE="Layluh, post: 21961791, member: 355075"]AA mentioned that she just smiles, thanks them and then asks how their day is going. She treats them as human beings. She said it normally neutralizes the situation and guys are so shocked they start stuttering and it ends up being a relatively brief & positive encounter.

I dont know how this would work in places like NYC where the onslaught of attention from dusty negros can be overwhelming.[/QUOTE]
 
I think this is a great book. My question is for a single woman, can this be applied to casual male friendships or relationships? Can this encourage a guy to pursue? I'm only though chapter 2. Loving it so far!
 
Thanks learning how to neutralize a man and people in situations is a very good idea. I am learning!!!!!

This is a guy that there has been mutual attraction in the past and present. I must admit in the past, I did emasculate him without knowing it thinking that having a big mouth and showing him up was funny. I felt that he was immature.

He has always mentioned my law degree in awe. And I never brag about it. When we meet up he will always say something sexual or ask a very immature question because he is used to me getting a rise and having a tizzy fit. But I realize that I need to learn to neutralize him and I have been doing that and he is more attentive and more curious about me than in the past when I would snap. I like him and want to keep him around.

In NYC, I just smile and quickly walk away when men get thirsty. But I dress very down when I am in the City can't deal.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Thanks learning how to neutralize a man and people in situations is a very good idea. I am learning!!!!!

This is a guy that there has been mutual attraction in the past and present. I must admit in the past, I did emasculate him without knowing it thinking that having a big mouth and showing him up was funny. I felt that he was immature.

He has always mentioned my law degree in awe. And I never brag about it. When we meet up he will always say something sexual or ask a very immature question because he is used to me getting a rise and having a tizzy fit. But I realize that I need to learn to neutralize him and I have been doing that and he is more attentive and more curious about me than in the past when I would snap. I like him and want to keep him around.

In NYC, I just smile and quickly walk away when men get thirsty. But I dress very down when I am in the City can't deal.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...
Sounds like this guy likes you but doesn't know how to deal with it. Why is he intimidated by your law degree?
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I think this is a great book. My question is for a single woman, can this be applied to casual male friendships or relationships? Can this encourage a guy to pursue? I'm only though chapter 2. Loving it so far!
Click to expand...



From my perspective YES these tactics can be used in casual male, and several other types of friend/relationships. The design is to assist you in becoming a better and more feminine YOU. This could in-turn make you more pursue-able.

At this point I've probably worked my way through almost 3 of her writings and several workshops. Negotiating and navigating without being adversarial is what I myself have to focus on. I can't count how many ah-ha's I've had as a result of her teachings on this.

  • Perfecting non-adversarial intuitive approach's would make me a much calmer and more stress-free person; this is counter-intuitive to my life's experiences (work/home/social). I believe that this change of perspective will allow me to navigate even annoying situations without being drained.
    • (even if I have to imagine the worst of them are arrant toddlers acting up.,,and I know a few grown toddlers)
 
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