Telling a man how to treat you.

[celiabug]

Since I've been single and started dating I've noticed that a lot of men expect things. They don't seem to want to do a lot of dating and like to ask for the "come over and chill" thing which I don't do. I'm wondering should we tell a man how to treat us or should certain things just be expected? Should we tell them that in order to get our attention they need to take us on dates and actually put forth an effort, or should we just drop them if they don't catch our hints?

 

[Southernbella.]

I wouldn't tell him. I would just say no to whatever I wasn't interested in and make another suggestion. If he wants to come over, say "no thank you but you can take me to dinner." If he doesn't want to do anything else, then he doesn't get to be in your company. He'll get it eventually.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[CarLiTa]

Agree with the above. It feels strange to have to actually tell someone how to do the basics. Men know these things.
If I were ever asked to come over and chill, I'd be honest and say that I don't feel comfortable with that... and that I would much rather hang out in a public place. If that doesn't encourage him to ask me out on a real date, then that settles everything.

 

[LiftedUp]

If a man asks me to "come over and chill" I would tell him no thanks and move on from there. Either he doesn't know any better or thinks that I don't. Whichever, it's really not going to work.

Owing to cultural differences, this never happened to me. However, I have guys who try to take me on pseudo dates and I've turned them down. I'm too old/have no time for that.

 

[Kindheart]

A guy once asked me to meet up with him at 1 am because he had to go to the barber first. Needless to say I refused . He was always vague about setting up a date and used the deadly words "we ll play it by ear" . Well that's not good enough . I told him if he wanted me to go out with him he had to plan a real date .i refused to settle for less .Eventually we had a couple of dates .
You know your worth .

 

[hopeful]

It's taken me a long time to understand that showing has a much bigger impact than telling. If you have to tell him to take you on a date trust you will then have to tell or ask him to ring your doorbell and not honk his horn, to open your door, to pull out your chair, to pay the bill, and on it goes, too darned much work on a woman's part. Just say no with very little extra conversation. Men know women like going on dates, receiving flowers, being complimented, etc. They know and if they don't they are idiots and who wants to date an idiot?

 

[CaraWalker]

yeah, i tell them, i tell them by moving on with my life when they're not doing it right

 

[FemmeFatale]

I have a cosmopolitan vibe about myself, most men can tell from my look and demeanor that I'm not the home date type.

When you're engaging men in conversation, ask questions like, what do you like to do and where do you hang out at? What are your fav restaurants? Have you been to xyz...?

 

[southerncitygirl]

celiabug

Men use this technique to get sex and not have to spend $$$$. I have let men know that I don't do that. Until we are in a relationship there's no "chillin at da crib". At this point in my life though I wouldn't say anything, I would just decline and keep it moving. In the early stages of getting to know each other questions of all kinds should asked like what hobbies and activities do you enjoy. Also are you a social butterfly or more a homebody. Other questions could be about what types of food & music you enjoy.... etc, etc.

Ladies we must keep in mind because so many men are being brought up in single parent households that are run by women with no sort of male role model present many are clueless as to how to proceed in dealings with women. Yes mothers can give them an idea as to what women and a young man can see how men treat his mother but this is very different than that direct male influence. They can be shown what is expected without saying anything directly and us coming off as a nag or whinny. The ones who are serious will try to learn & make an effort. Many men also take a one size fits all approach with women which can backfire.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I don't tell men how to treat me or give them any hints. I either do or don't. For a don't, I might ask can we do something else or laugh depending on the timing of his suggestion.

 

[CaraWalker]

I have a cosmopolitan vibe about myself, most men can tell from my look and demeanor that I'm not the home date type.

When you're engaging men in conversation, ask questions like, what do you like to do and where do you hang out at? What are your fav restaurants? Have you been to xyz...?

this too. this is mainly something ive learned from online dating, that you can present a very clear but unstated understanding about how you should be approached. i talked a lot in my profile about places i like to go and things i like to do so that there was no room for any guy to think i would be up for just hanging out at his place. there is a vibe you can give off that will prevent men from trying that with you.

 

[BonBon]

No.

Why should I have to teach a man what I'm worth when there's many guys that treat me well from day one? I'm irritated just thinking about having to have a conversation about taking me out for proper dates lol.

There are exceptions of course, but I honestly think what worries you about a man in the beginning will bite you in the *** at the end. If he's naturally lazy with you he may perk up a while if you prod him. However, it could be temporary until you either give it up, or "catch feelings". After they will often go back to their lazy natural way eventually. I've seen this many times.
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southerncitygirl

That would be a great spinny. Post 21 I've only dated/had potential guys with married parents. Happily married, boring type parents with traditional roles mostly (SAHM). I wonder if anyone else has noticed the difference. There could well be something in it for some men.

 

[southerncitygirl]

Sumra

I didn't say we as women had to teach a man anything, you misconstrued what I said. I said some men are willing to learn on their own what they were lacking as a youth. I let men know what my expectations are ( if they start to ask me things about what I am looking for in terms of a relationship) and if they generally do things I don't like as I have gotten older I don't even call them on it, I disappear into thin air. As women we have to set a standard & precedent for how we want to be treated up front.... some will comply while others won't and thats ok as long as we walk away.

 

[intellectualuva]

Sumra

I've noticed. I don't remember having those worries/concerns with traditional men or those with traditional up bringing.

In terms of the question, if you are interested enough to educate them to your ways, then feel free to politely enlighten them. Say No thanks and suggest alternative plans. If you don't or you get a feeling, cause it's potential date 2 or 3 and he texts a come over and chill invite that seems more up his alley, then move on. You want to be courted and he's used to dealing with women he doesn't have to court. It is what it is.

 

[BonBon]

Sumra

I didn't say we as women had to teach a man anything, you misconstrued what I said. I said some men are willing to learn on their own what they were lacking as a youth. I let men know what my expectations are ( if they start to ask me things about what I am looking for in terms of a relationship) and if they generally do things I don't like as I have gotten older I don't even call them on it, I disappear into thin air. As women we have to set a standard & precedent for how we want to be treated up front.... some will comply while others won't and thats ok as long as we walk away.

I know.

It was just the bit at the bottom, below the mention I was thinking about. The lack of a good male role model possibly impacting adult dating behaviour. Sorry its messy lol.

ITA with second bolded.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I dealt with this in college. I think as I grew and developed as a person, my dating experiences changed as well and it happened pretty organically. There was nothing I did consciously. I think to a certain extent, men will try to meet you where you are in life, and it took time for me to get to develop to the person I am now.

I remember early on in college, I was approached this way not infrequently , and I went along with it (also not infrequently ). I was bad though, I actually remember this one "date" that ended with us arguing because he was upset that I just assumed he would pay for my food while in the McDonald's drive thru. And I think I had even ordered off the dollar menu. He was mad that I "didn't even reach for the purse" when we got to the window and he told me so. No self-respect for himself as man whatsoever. And I had even ordered off the dollar menu. No point in trying to "teach" a man like that anything, just don't get in the car with him.

So yeah, that's one thing... if there was anything I consciously changed, it was that I became much better at screening out the guys who would try this mess. I guess that's one good thing that came from dating those types, I can sniff them out pretty easily, so I don't even bother .

 

[Enyo]

I'm sometimes tempted to do this, but the answer is "no". It just ends in frustration.

 

[okange76]

Traditional married parents is great and all but you have to take a case by case basis. Case in point, me. Parents married 40 plus yrs and deliriously in love. My dad spoiled my mum rotten and treated her so well. We were given the best growing up.

My bros on the other hand before they got married were the biggest douches on this planet and from time to time the douche baggery rears its ugly head. It sometimes gets to the point where my father has to step in and set his boys straight. That's why a strong father/uncle/grandfather is essential to boys/men, whether they are 5 yrs old or 45 yrs old. My bros are in their 30s and 40s. When Dad blinks they jump. He has zero tolerance for BS.

Screen those from married homes with a fine tooth comb just like you would everyone else. Let's just say my SILs have dealt with some serious surprises. I have too, considering we were raised in the same household.

Men don't need to be told to be kind to women and treat them right. They'll do bare minimum if we let them.