Survivors of Domestic Violence- signs we missed

[LadyPaniolo]

Those of us who have been in abusive relationships in the past have gained knowledge that we can use to help other sisters stay safe.

I'm hoping we can share the Red Flags that we missed at the time, but later realized were clear indicators of a man's abusive nature. Posters who want to know how thier man's behaviour checks out can come in here and look at the signs without feeling ganged up on, judged or anything else.

Signs I missed:

- He used to tell me all kinds of horrible things about his ex-GF... to hear him tell it she was the worst human being on the planet and he was the long-suffering saint. I found out later that was far far far from true.

- He had a drinking problem. This isn't always an indicator of abusive tendancies, but when the two combine, watch out!

- He was on probation at work for sexual harassment of a co-worker, but told me some bs story (which I believed! ) that she came on to him and when he wouldn't cheat on his GF with her, she reported him.

- He did not respect my time. For instance he was supposed to come and give me a ride to work, my very first day on the job. He didn't show up! I had to call a cab, pay through the nose AND be late to my first day on the job.

- SO many examples of him disrespecting me... I made him a whole Thanksgiving dinner and he didn't even show up. For 3 (^*(__ing DAYS.

- He was constantly making negative comparisons between me and his ex, who I KNOW I look better than. This broad looked like a pitbull on stilts, no lie. He was trying to make me insecure.

- He was jealous. If a car pulled up next to us at a red light, he'd be convinced the other dude was looking at me, and he'd go crazy. When the light turned green, he'd race off at 50 mph even though it was a school zone!

- He would threaten me with violence and say "I was just trying to scare you." like that's okay... WHY would you want to scare your woman when you SHOULD be her protector?

Please chime in, ladies. We can help our fellow LHCF sisters.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

More Red Flags:

- He found the idea of rape sexually titillating

- He told me about how sexually attracted he was to his niece! When I looked at him like he was insane, he though *I* was crazy to not agree how fine she was

- NOTHING was ever his fault. Ever. Period.

- He was sexually very demanding. One morning he wanted to color (I am LEAST likely to want to color in the morning than at any other time) and I didn't want to. So he commenced to ripping the room apart, and yelling that he was going to go over to his ex-GF's house to get some if I didn't give it up.

- He was always nursing these grudges against my family.

 

[Angelicus]

Thank you for this thread.

Verbal abuse- If he tells you that you "need to tone up" constantly, you need to tell him to get the heck out. He'll keep telling you and telling you and telling you until you get the backbone to leave. Verbal abuse is only the first step.

If he is always blaming you for past mistakes that were done before you both started dating, it's time for you to leave. It's verbal abuse and you do NOT have to take it.

Alcohol abuse- If he drinks too much... beware. He'll try to blame it all on the alcohol.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Yes, Angelicus you are 100% correct with the verbal abuse issue. So many women take verbal abuse because they think it's not as bad as physical abuse... but it can be just as damaging to the spirit. And it's often followed by physical abuse, too, once he is sure you're beaten down emotionally enough to stay with him.

 

[imani97]

- He was controlling, point blank. Telling me what kind of music I should listen to by criticizing my taste and making it seem as though I was "ghetto" for liking the music. (This was an interracial relationship and I don't think that he understood my need for cultural connections within my life like listening to Black music and watching Black shows)

- He had anger issues and would growl and/or grind his teeth when he was upset.

- He didn't have respect for my belongings and wouldn't allow me to use his.

Thank God I'm out of that mess and with a man who respects and loves me for me!

ETA: I guess I'm not really a victim of domestic violence in the sense that most would think, but he did shake me on an occasion, so I think that was the biggest sign.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

- He was controlling, point blank. Telling me what kind of music I should listen to by criticizing my taste and making it seem as though I was "ghetto" for liking the music. (This was an interracial relationship and I don't think that he understood my need for cultural connections within my life like listening to Black music and watching Black shows)

- He had anger issues and would growl and/or grind his teeth when he was upset.

- He didn't have respect for my belongings and wouldn't allow me to use his.

Thank God I'm out of that mess and with a man who respects and loves me for me!

ETA: I guess I'm not really a victim of domestic violence in the sense that most would think, but he did shake me on an occasion, so I think that was the biggest sign.

Honey if he was putting his hands on you like that, that is absolutely domestic violence.

I am so glad you are out of that relationship. Who knows when the shaking would have progressed to punching, slamming your head against the wall, kicking, or worse?

That growling and grinding teeth was meant to intimidate you. What a POS that guy was.

 

[weaveologist]

- He tried to control what I wore. He would FREAK OUT if I was covered from head to toe like a Muslim woman. Even in the summer when it was HOT as hell.

- He was verbally abusive.

- He thought scaring the **** out of me was funny. (i.e. hiding in the house and jumping out at me).

- At first he would do little things to hurt me when he was mad (blow smoke in my face, act as if he would flick a cigarette at me).

Ooooo just thinking about this stuff pisses me off. I was so young and dumb.

But the MOMENT he physically hit me he did now "beat me up". We fought! He was NOT just going to go Joe Jackson on me without me fighting back.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

^^ It's making me mad just reading about it!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

bump...............

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Some of these were digns from the beginning... others as time went by and he showed hid true colors.Everyone was out to get him. He was always the victim. He was paranoid. Always getting fired from jobs. Criminal record. He was never wrong. He was mad at me for a week and I didn't know why until he finally came clean. He was mad b/c a male coworker was talki ng to me when we were at a baseball game together- even though I introduced him! He didn't want us to have a phone in our apartment. He questioned me about talking to other guys at work and what we talked about. I caught him going through my backpack. Jealous over my career goals- couldn't eork in jail b/c I would be looking at inmates **** or if I said I was interested in working in DA's office I wanted to **** a DA.I was ugly, black, nappy and unsexy. He compared me to white girls he dated. I always had headaches and I was very thin. No surprise I stopped having them and gained weight after I left. But I was on antidepressants and sleep meds for the first 6 months after.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Some of these were digns from the beginning... others as time went vy and he showed hid true colors.Everyone was out to get him. He was always the victim. He was paranoid. Always getting fired from jobs. Criminal record. He was never wrong. He was mad at me for a week and I didn't know why until he finally came clean. He was mad b/c a male coworker was talki ng to me when we were at a baseball game together- even though I introduced him! He didn't want us to have a phone in our apartment. He questioned me about talking to other guys at work and what we talked about. I caught him going through my backpack. Jealous over my career goals- couldn't eork in jail b/c I would be looking at inmates **** or if I said I was interested in working in DA's office I wanted to **** a DA.I was ugly, black, nappy and unsexy. He compared me to white girls he dated. I always had headaches and I was very thin. No surprise I stopped having them and gained weight after I left. But I was on antidepressants and sleep meds for the first 6 months after.

Yes, you reminded me of a sign I missed too... I started having horrible stomach pains... Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The day after I left his ask the symptoms disappeared

 

[LoveLiLi]

I had an abusive bf when I was 18/19. He was so sweet during the first several months of our relationship. He was always happy, supportive and he was very calm. I never saw him the least bit angry - and then he turned on me. I was shocked because he seemed so perfect and he was Mr. Popular, everyone's friend.

Early on, he hated all my male friends (even though he was cool with them to their faces) and let me know that I was being watched by his friends/cousins when he wasn't around.

As time went by he started to hate all my female friends as well. According to him, they were all ho's, sluts, ugly, ghetto etc. After awhile he didn't even like some of my family members.

I've always worn natural make-up, but he didn't even want me to wear a stitch of makeup. He never wanted me to cut my hair and was obsessive about my body. He also wanted to control what types of outfits I wore. Strangely, he didn't want me covered up. He wanted me in seductive clothing whenever we went out. Once, we were out and there was some crap going on in Philly (South Street) and he lifted my shirt up to show my
boobs to random men. He acted annoyed when I said no to his peep show.

He made horrible remarks about what he would do to me if I ever cheated on him. He also said he'd have sex with my best friends if I ever left him.

He wanted to move me to a home ~45 minutes away from my family and friends and he would commute to work. However, I couldn't work, I could only go to a local college if I got too bored and I could only drive the car he got for me if he approved of where I was going/who I was going to see. But in his eyes I didn't need to leave the house. He had money, so I was supposed to sit at home, have babies and be there just for him.

He had been tampering with our method of bc. I had no clue, and he suddenly kept pressuring me to take a pregnancy test. After a week and a half of being nagged I took one just to shut him up. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. As I sat there trying to gather my thoughts he was smiling and laughing. He said that he'd planned it and could tell me the exact day he got me pregnant . Once I became pregnant he turned into a full-blown psycho.

I didn't know whether I wanted to have the child since I thought I'd done everything right (as far as protecting myself) and I didn't want to be a young mother. He threatened to tell my mother as a way to force me to have the baby. He said he owned me now, and wrestled me to the floor and choked me when I told him to leave my house.

He cried and threatened to kill himself if I left him, so I forgave him. At the time I felt trapped since I was pregnant, and unfortunately I was already used to some form of violence in the home. He liked to say that no one else would want me once I had his baby.

From that point on the situation deteriorated quickly. My being pregnant made him feel totally in control. He would grab me, physically threaten me or twist my arm if I didn't answer him fast enough. He would force himself on me and if I fought back he'd act as if he was going to punch me, but punch the headboard instead. He liked to keep me in constant fear. He would drive us far from home and then force me out of the car and drive away, or say he could do anything he wanted to me while we were driving along a dark country road. It got so bad I told my best friend that if I came up missing she should tell the police to immediately go to his home.

He began calling me out of my name and taunting me. He would talk on his phone as if he was going to see another girl and when I said something he would call me a stupid b!tch. He liked playing these types of games and reminding me that so many women wanted him.

I know this sounds bad, but I had a miscarriage and that felt like a gift from God. He cried for days, but I felt a sense of relief. I went to a university about 3 hours away and that was my way out. It wasn't easy. He still stalked me there - on weeknights no less, when he had to go to work the next day. It was a six hour round-trip for him, but he had to know what I was doing. One day he said he just wanted to talk and we'd drive to see my family. While we were driving to my home he began yelling at me and accusing me of sleeping with guys on campus (I'd only been there for two weeks). He said I was ungrateful and women would kill to be in my shoes. He threatened to break up with me and I said that would be fine - we should break up. He lost it - he pulled me by my hair and began punching me (abusive men love cars, there's no escape). He then pulled over and told me to get out. I said no, so he came over to my side and pulled me out and drove off. I was about an hour from my school and two hours from home, no phone, stuck on the side of the highway. He came back and forced me back in the car and then tried to talk me out of pressing charges on the way home.

I went to the police station, got a restraining order and took him to court. That was difficult because some people said I wasn't being Christian . I was surprised that he was so honest about his behavior in court. He had to take anger management and he ended up losing his job and spending time in jail.

I was shocked to read this, even though I lived it. It took me a long time to discern who was allowed in my life and who wasn't since my home-life involved quite a bit of violence, degrading words and humiliating treatment. I had to learn what was acceptable treatment from others, especially boyfriends and years later I still find myself analyzing everything people say and do. I honestly believe that if I hadn't gone away to college the situation would have escalated and I'd be dead. Some of us came from stable environments, but for those of us who didn't, we have to discover our true worth before we can move on. I was so accustomed to being talked to and treated any kind of way growing up that I think it was easy for me to overlook signs that would have alarmed other people.


~~ETA: He would watch my house. For example, he would call me and ask what I did the night before and what time I went to sleep. I would give a general time, let's say 2:30 am and he would get mad and call me a liar because he saw my lights go out at 3:00 am.

My family moved and I made sure not to tell him, but he tracked us down (not that hard since it was a small town in Jersey), but he didn't even care that I moved without telling him. He was just glad he found me. No matter how many times I tried to break up with him, he would still come over and would just flat out tell me no - he wasn't going anywhere.

 

[MissYocairis]

Good thread.

My exH was on his best behavior to a certain extent prior to our marriage. He wasn't verbally abusive and he didn't disrespect my time. He behaved like a gentleman and he was chivalrous. HOWEVER, there were signs that were very nuanced that made me uncomfortable, but they were so nuanced, that I was wondering what it all meant and I never in a million years thought it could indicate abusive tendencies.

Whenever someone (read: I) questioned him on something...he became uncomfortable. It could be something simple like, "why would you prefer not to do thus and so?" and he would become almost dogmatic about it. We could never have effective discourse if our opinions varied. If I disagreed with him and wanted to establish why I felt my view was more appropriate, he would battle me about it....(I later realized he viewed anyone challenging any of his positions as a clear and present threat). At the time, I would just laugh like, "are you kidding me with this man?" I really didn't believe this dude was seriously wanting to battle over small stuff that we disagreed on.

That later manifested as an attitude of "my way or the highway" with him. You COULD NOT oppose him in deed or action without a battle. But, at 22, I really didn't see that one coming out of that necessarily. I can remember getting into a huge, contentious debate because I asked him if, when we got married, he'd mind me buying clothing for him....don't you know that argument lasted for HOURS? He was extraordinarily sensitive...I had never seen anything like it and, therefore, was unsure how to process it.

The other sign was that he was excessively concerned with appearances. But, I didn't know it really until we were already married. People like that are hiding something deep when they do not have any inkling of self-deprecation EVER...no humility....no being willing to be transparent and share flaws...just always keeping up with appearances....and turns out, he was hiding a very deep seated need to control everything and be SEEN as a successful, healthy, well-rounded person.

The one thing I DID know for sure, was that my GUT kept telling me not to do it. Not to get married. And, so, I think the greatest warning sign you could ever receive is your own intuition telling you this is not right. That's the biggest and brightest red flag out there and it will save your life. Pay attention to your intuition. Treat it as thought it's God talking to you. I believe it is.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

I had an abusive bf when I was 18/19. He was so sweet during the first several months of our relationship. He was always happy, supportive and he was very calm. I never saw him the least bit angry - and then he turned on me. I was shocked because he seemed so perfect and he was Mr. Popular, everyone's friend.

Early on, he hated all my male friends (even though he was cool with them to their faces) and let me know that I was being watched by his friends/cousins when he wasn't around.

As time went by he started to hate all my female friends as well. According to him, they were all ho's, sluts, ugly, ghetto etc. After awhile he didn't even like some of my family members.

I've always worn natural make-up, but he didn't even want me to wear a stitch of makeup. He never wanted me to cut my hair and was obsessive about my body. He also wanted to control what types of outfits I wore. Strangely, he didn't want me covered up. He wanted me in seductive clothing whenever we went out. Once, we were out and there was some crap going on in Philly (South Street) and he lifted my shirt up to show my
boobs to random men. He acted annoyed when I said no to his peep show.

He made horrible remarks about what he would do to me if I ever cheated on him. He also said he'd have sex with my best friends if I ever left him.

He wanted to move me to a home ~45 minutes away from my family and friends and he would commute to work. However, I couldn't work, I could only go to a local college if I got too bored and I could only drive the car he got for me if he approved of where I was going/who I was going to see. But in his eyes I didn't need to leave the house. He had money, so I was supposed to sit at home, have babies and be there just for him.

He had been tampering with our method of bc. I had no clue, and he suddenly kept pressuring me to take a pregnancy test. After a week and a half of being nagged I took one just to shut him up. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. As I sat there trying to gather my thoughts he was smiling and laughing. He said that he'd planned it and could tell me the exact day he got me pregnant . Once I became pregnant he turned into a full-blown psycho.

I didn't know whether I wanted to have the child since I thought I'd done everything right (as far as protecting myself) and I didn't want to be a young mother. He threatened to tell my mother as a way to force me to have the baby. He said he owned me now, and wrestled me to the floor and choked me when I told him to leave my house.

He cried and threatened to kill himself if I left him, so I forgave him. At the time I felt trapped since I was pregnant, and unfortunately I was already used to some form of violence in the home. He liked to say that no one else would want me once I had his baby.

From that point on the situation deteriorated quickly. My being pregnant made him feel totally in control. He would grab me, physically threaten me or twist my arm if I didn't answer him fast enough. He would force himself on me and if I fought back he'd act as if he was going to punch me, but punch the headboard instead. He liked to keep me in constant fear. He would drive us far from home and then force me out of the car and drive away, or say he could do anything he wanted to me while we were driving along a dark country road. It got so bad I told my best friend that if I came up missing she should tell the police to immediately go to his home.

He began calling me out of my name and taunting me. He would talk on his phone as if he was going to see another girl and when I said something he would call me a stupid b!tch. He liked playing these types of games and reminding me that so many women wanted him.

I know this sounds bad, but I had a miscarriage and that felt like a gift from God. He cried for days, but I felt a sense of relief. I went to a university about 3 hours away and that was my way out. It wasn't easy. He still stalked me there - on weeknights no less, when he had to go to work the next day. It was a six hour round-trip for him, but he had to know what I was doing. One day he said he just wanted to talk and we'd drive to see my family. While we were driving to my home he began yelling at me and accusing me of sleeping with guys on campus (I'd only been there for two weeks). He said I was ungrateful and women would kill to be in my shoes. He threatened to break up with me and I said that would be fine - we should break up. He lost it - he pulled me by my hair and began punching me (abusive men love cars, there's no escape). He then pulled over and told me to get out. I said no, so he came over to my side and pulled me out and drove off. I was about an hour from my school and two hours from home, no phone, stuck on the side of the highway. He came back and forced me back in the car and then tried to talk me out of pressing charges on the way home.

I went to the police station, got a restraining order and took him to court. That was difficult because some people said I wasn't being Christian . I was surprised that he was so honest about his behavior in court. He had to take anger management and he ended up losing his job and spending time in jail.

I was shocked to read this, even though I lived it. It took me a long time to discern who was allowed in my life and who wasn't since my home-life involved quite a bit of violence, degrading words and humiliating treatment. I had to learn what was acceptable treatment from others, especially boyfriends and years later I still find myself analyzing everything people say and do. I honestly believe that if I hadn't gone away to college the situation would have escalated and I'd be dead. Some of us came from stable environments, but for those of us who didn't, we have to discover our true worth before we can move on. I was so accustomed to being talked to and treated any kind of way growing up that I think it was easy for me to overlook signs that would have alarmed other people.

OMG!!! Reading your story really moved me! I am glad that you are okay and that you got out!

 

[JewelleNY]

There are signs and now I see them but my problem is I keep attracting these types

I won't post my whole stories but the verbal stuff is first and subtle. I put in another post that some guys will give you clues. One of my ex's had me read his grisly sci-fi novels that had a great deal of violence and themes of necrophilia erplexed

It's hard because many act totally different at first. Very liberal, loving, understanding but it will slowly come out. Just pay attention to all of what he is throwing at you, not just the good. The ladies here have posted most of what I wanted to say.

I do also agree that there is something about women that attract these guys to us.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I went to the police station, got a restraining order and took him to court. That was difficult because some people said I wasn't being Christian .

First off Thank you so much for sharing your painful story. I am so very glad you got out of this alive. My disgust for people who told you that you were not being Christian by trying to protect yourself from abuse is just DEEP and WIDE right about now!!!!!!!!!!

The one thing I DID know for sure, was that my GUT kept telling me not to do it. Not to get married. And, so, I think the greatest warning sign you could ever receive is your own intuition telling you this is not right. That's the biggest and brightest red flag out there and it will save your life. Pay attention to your intuition. Treat it as thought it's God talking to you. I believe it is.

Thank you so much for posting this, how could I forget the most important red flag of all! Your intuition telling you that something is amiss... that is the most important and reliable red flag of them all. I also believe that God speaks to us that way. Every time I've disregarded that intuition, I've regretted it.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

There are signs and now I see them but my problem is I keep attracting these types

I won't post my whole stories but the verbal stuff is first and subtle. I put in another post that some guys will give you clues. One of my ex's had me read his grisly sci-fi novels that had a great deal of violence and themes of necrophilia erplexed

It's hard because many act totally different at first. Very liberal, loving, understanding but it will slowly come out. Just pay attention to all of what he is throwing at you, not just the good. The ladies here have posted most of what I wanted to say.

I do also agree that there is something about women that attract these guys to us.

Yes, these pigs often choose women who have some trauma they experienced in the past... women who are vulnerable, insecure, sometimes lonely. They know just who to pick.

 

[TayMac]

Jealous streak..I thought it was cute at first how he would get ticked that guys would look my way when we were out.

Didn't respect my privacy..If I was in the bathroom for what he thought was too long..he barge in. I don't know what he was expecting to catch

Very moody..I thought it was just stress from his job.

Controlling..if he knew I was going out to club or party. He'd call a friend that he knew would be there to watch me and report back. So when I went "home" to him..he's in my face with the "who" and "what" Or he would pop up at my job to check on me..under the guise that he wanted us to eat together when I got off.

Also he drank alot..it didn't bother me at the time b/c I was 19 and drinking often myself.

He was paranoid and always accusing me of things.

But in between all that stuff..he was sweet and smooth as he could be, would fix dinner, take me shopping, leave me little notes and gifts so I looked over those major signs.

ETA: I left him during my pregnancy so we have a daughter together.

 

[daydreem2876]

A lot of the above I missed and

My Ex SO:
-had a very strained relationship with his family, loved them one day, despised them the next. He say the vilest things about his parents.
-his father was abusive of his mother
-all of my friends were whores and I was trying to sleep with all of his friends

 

[NYAmicas]

smh at some of these stories. *Hugs*
Great thread OP!

 

[Denise11]

The signs I had y'all already posted. But there are a few more that bothered me.

He had to know what I was doing at every moment of the day. I couldn't take a shower and miss his call or there was hell to pay!

When we first started dating, he loved everything about me, but as the relationship progressed, he would start to complain about why I have to wear certain clothes or why ihave to wear make up.

He became jealous of the women and men in my family. If I talked to my brothers, he felt like I was cheating on him.

When I was with my sisters he always wanted to know what happened. He acted like they were taking me somewhere to cheat on him.

He's an alcoholic.

Y'all already had a lot of my red flags but there's too many to recall right now.

He was always wanting to know the conversation when I talked to his brothers in a crowded roomand he had his sisters to tell him what we talked about when she and I talked.

He didn't like his mother but pretended that their relationship had gotten better.

We couldn't talk about anything unless it turned into an arguement. Don't let me have a problem, I couldn't talk to him about it.

Everything was my fault, nothing was his fault.

I was always the cause of his unhappiness.

He thought it was my job to keep him happy so that everything was okay.

He was always mad about something.

 

[sky_blu]

Good thread. I think I've experienced alot these stories. The jealously, questioning the clothes I wore (I could be wearing a moo moo but I was dressing up "somebody"). There was always a "somebody" who? I dont know but he knew. The play fighting just messing around to him pushing me a little too hard on accident to him just plain out hitting me. Just a bunch of stuff I took that I shouldn't have. I've learned to leave after the first time.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I posted something similair to this in another thread.

I met my son's father a week before my 18th birthday, he was 20. For months and months...we had a great time..no signs of abuse..or craziness..

It was all good..until it wasn't....

Everything was my fault..and I began to believe that it was...

He was so demanding, it was always his way or the highway..I accused him of acting like he thought he was my father...He went on to say that he was not being my father...he was trying to show me how to be a lady. He said that I was reared incorrectly....and he was trying to correct that!

When he met me..I had my hair in a bob..which was fine..but after about a year of dating..He went to say...Grow you hair...(way before I joined here -LOL). Since I wanted long hair also..that was not a problem...

But after I gave in to this...he made more and more demands...

I had to wear very long dresses..nothing cute or in the latest styles...no make-up..and sex whenever he wanted it..if I turned him down..We would fight..until I finally gave in...He wanted a baby..so I had a baby at 20..

I love my son to death..but I had him to please my SO..I thought that maybe..the baby would help..Wrong! I was so naive..can't believe I put myself through it. He didn't want me to got to college..or he kept saying 'to wait"... He didn't like my father..he literally hated him...because my father told him not to hurt his daughter..when we first started dating!

It went on and on for years..and honestly this is the tip of the iceberg....
It would take all day to tell what all happened. It's funny...I spent so much of my life "trying to not make him mad"..when the fact is..he was always angry..and always going to be angry about something..I was his scapegoat (sp?)

Finally, when I realized that I didn't need him..I left and moved home with my mom...to save money and get myself together.


After about 6 or 7 months...my life was normal..I was free to do me..
I was able to do the things that I wanted...I was comfortable..I could be myself...and didn't have to be on alert all the time..

Then one day he picked my son up from school. (He has 2 visits a week with him).

He called me asking why my brother ( my biological brother - same mother and father- no history of wild behavior- never hurt my son) picked up my son from school the day before.

He asked if I had something to do. I told him that it wasn't his business if I had something to do. He screamed that he didn't care about me..that it was about his son. He said that he had already told me that if I or my mother couldn't pick my son up to call him.

I went on to tell him that I had full custody of our son..and did not have to clear things with him..and it was my brother..not some stranger.

He told me that I shoould have called him and let him know that my brother was picking our son up. I told him that I would not be doing that..as long as our child was not in any danger...I did not have to clear anything with him.. He became irate..started screaming..I hung up in his face.

He brought my son home that night..and came in my mother's house..and said we needed to talk.. We started talking..but it was a repeat of the same thing..that I needed to make him aware of blah.. blah..blah..

I told him to get out..and that the days of him controlling me were over..that I was taking control of my life...then he did it!!

He slapped me! Then he jacked me up high in the air (i'm 5'10)..and proceeded to try and choke me!

My brother was there..and he jumped in between us..and he and my brother got into it...all this in front of my poor 6 year old..He was in the other room..but came out..the moment his dad hit me...

I screamed for him to get out..and he left...I called his parents..and they begged me not to call the police...which I didn't...only because I was partially embarassed that it happened to me...


My son's father called me and apologized via voicemail and told me that he never wanted to see me or my son again..not until my son was old enough to drive himself to see him...He went on to say that he was tired of me and my mess..and that I wouldn't provoke him anymore..

All of this because I let my brother pick my son up from school.
When I tell people they always ask..are you sure there isn't more? I promise you all..there isn't..it was just that simple..

Abusive people are illogical...anything can set them off! It's not your fault!

It has been a mess..but I thank God, my son and I are on the road to recovery!!

And please don't feel bad for me..because even after everything I am so happy y'all!!!

 

[STLCoverGirl]

~Just jumping in real quick, I don't have time to read all the responses right now, so some of these may be repeats.~

He wants to isolate you from friends and family.

Talks down to you.

Very critical of you.

Tells you noone else will want you.

Discourages any form of self-improvement, i.e...working out, furthering your education

This is random, but my ex would ALWAYS encourage me to cut my hair. I think he knew my hair was important to me, and made me feel somewhat attractive. He would say things like, "well, even if noone else finds you attractive after you cut your hair, I would".

Blame the abuse on your behavior

Extremely jealous, even in the beginning

Likes to be in control 100%, all of the time, even in the bedroom

Treats you like a queen in public, and belittles you in private

Tells you things wouldn't be this way if YOU would or wouldn't do XYZ...

 

[Denise11]

This man read my journal and thought he had the right to?!?!?!

He thought everything was supposed to be about him!

He would even buy me things so that he could feel like "I owed him"

How crazy are these people!

 

[lexi84]

this thread is so on time OP. Thanks

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

~Just jumping in real quick, I don't have time to read all the responses right now, so some of these may be repeats.~

He wants to isolate you from friends and family.

Talks down to you.

Very critical of you.

Tells you noone else will want you.

Discourages any form of self-improvement, i.e...working out, furthering your education

This is random, but my ex would ALWAYS encourage me to cut my hair. I think he knew my hair was important to me, and made me feel somewhat attractive. He would say things like, "well, even if noone else finds you attractive after you cut your hair, I would".

Blame the abuse on your behavior

Extremely jealous, even in the beginning

Likes to be in control 100%, all of the time, even in the bedroom

Treats you like a queen in public, and belittles you in private

Tells you things wouldn't be this way if YOU would or wouldn't do XYZ...

I experienced all these things that are bolded

 

[Mitre]

4 people out of 100 are born sociopaths. Sociopaths donot have a conscience, none at all, no feeling of guilt or remorse no matter what there do. There are unable to feel empathy for the well being of anyone. All their care about is themselves.
1.Donot try to reform/redeem the un redeemable them is is useless there are missing a gene.
2.Always trust your instincts not what what they say.
3. In a relationship make the law of three your personal policy. one lie broken promise neglected responsibility is strike one
4.Always suspect flattery it appeals to your ego
5.Avoid the person at all cost
6. Donot pity them. You must not pity someone who hurts you with words or sticks
7.Defend your psyche, donot allow anyone to define who you are.

 

[LoveLiLi]

OMG! A couple of you brought up great points.

He didn't respect my privacy. He even wanted to be in the bathroom with me. If I was handling big business, he wanted to watch. I always locked the door, but he would give me a long talk about how I should be more open with him because he wanted us to share everything.

I also caught him looking through my purse a couple of times. He definitely didn't respect boundaries.


ETA: He also put me on a pedestal. He had this idea that I was sooo perfect and if I said or did something that didn't mesh with his view of me, he'd be very upset. This isn't realistic or healthy.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Thank you all for your responses to this thread. I'm hoping that it can not only help LHCF members think through the relationship issues they are having now, but it can also help us gain insight from past experiences.... and I just want to send out a to all of you wonderful ladies who have gone through so much drama and pain. May we ALL live happily and peacefully the remainder of our days!