Survivors of Domestic Violence- signs we missed

The signs that I was gonna say have already been stated but I just want to say that the early sign for me was:

VERBAL ABUSE (He talked to me like I was a dog)
CONTROLLING (He wanted to go everywhere I went even if it was just girls)

If this is going on in the beginning stage of ur relationship "GET OUT"!!!
 
you having to keep your cell phone on you at all times.
calling and harassing you when you are out with family or friends
trying to scare you to see if you care
telling you about his past abusive behavior
trying to make you feel that women are scum and you have to make up for everything wrong thing any woman has done in his life
telling you if you gain weight he will leave you or if you cut your hair he will leave you
always play fighting aggressively
doesn't like you telling people about his bad behavior
playing mind games with you
trying to make you not be yourself, trying to change or control how you naturally act
wants to see you drunk
quietly forcing you to have sex
following you and showing up wherever you are (job, house, club, mall)
 
Does emotional abuse count in this thread? Emotional abuse that lead a "friend" to attack her abuser?
 
AtlantaJJ said:
Does emotional abuse count in this thread? Emotional abuse that lead a "friend" to attack her abuser?
Click to expand...
Yes, emotional abuse counts. I was never attacked by my boyfriend but as you can see from my response, what my boyfriend said about my weight 4 times really did hurt me.

Sticks and stones can break our bones but words CAN hurt you.
 
I have to give a reccomendation for anybody reading this thread to check out the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Also When Dad Hits Mom by the same author.

This man opened my eyes to the mind of an abusive man more than anything else I have heard or experienced. He's a psychologist who works with abusive men who have been sentenced to anger management, and he knows exactly the kind of things these clowns pull and WHY they do it.
 
This is an excellent thread and I'm so glad it was started. You ladies are so wonderful to share your stories like this.

I'm sure a lot of ladies are hanging back and lurking, but please believe that this thread is being followed closely. :up:
 
LadyPaniolo said:
I have to give a reccomendation for anybody reading this thread to check out the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Also When Dad Hits Mom by the same author.

This man opened my eyes to the mind of an abusive man more than anything else I have heard or experienced. He's a psychologist who works with abusive men who have been sentenced to anger management, and he knows exactly the kind of things these clowns pull and WHY they do it.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the book recommendation, I have always wondered why.
 
He was really, really moody.....extremely moody. That should have been the signal for me to run. All while we dated he was a perfect gentleman with the exception of being realllllly moody.
 
One sign I missed,

Once me and my ex were talking about one of his teenage nieces "acting out" with her mom. He said if his daughter talked back to him like that, He would CUT HER HAIR OFF AND SEE HOW SHE LIKED IT!!

I asked him why and he said because she loves that hair. That is so sad.

That alarmed me but I thought. "he wouldn't really do that". Now I wonder.
 
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I didn't really miss the signs but chose to ignore them at first.

One of his sister's is in an abusive relationship. She lost twins conceived via in-vitro after her husband beat her so bad. One of his brothers also abused his wife, and cheated on her all the time too. I suspect that their mom was abused by her first & third husband although nobody ever talked about it. She drank A LOT!!! His mom had HUGE trashcans full of beer bottles every week. When I first met her at like 9 a.m. on a Saturday, she was slurring her speech drunk. This guy was by husband #2.

He was possessive, got all pissy when I did not call him back right away (beepers - pre cell phone days)

Picked out clothes for me - hideous stuff too - and got pissy if I returned the stuff. I just remembered that I still have some ***** boots that are in the back of my closet all these years later. I will trash them tomorrow.

Accused me of cheating for being out with a female friend after work getting a drink w/o telling him. Of all the after work clubs in NYC he and his cousin were in the SAME club watching me for 15-20 minutes while all I did was have my drink ("Tootsie roll" that I still recall as yummy). I was not dancing with anyone or really talking to anyone but my female friend. He did finally let me know he was there, we danced briefly and finished our drinks then went to catch the train and he started an argument with me on the platform for going out after work....although he was also out w/o telling me.

Accused me of being interested in one of his brothers at a Thanksgiving party with his family because I danced with his brother - his GAY brother and the party was at the GAY lover's house that they shared a couple hours away (by train). When we went back to the city to my place he started an argument over his gay brother. He grabbed me by my neck that night once we were at my place and my back was against the door. I'm 5'4" and he is 6'3". Once he calmed down, I told him to leave and I put his things in a garbage bag. He went to a bar and waited for his brother (the abusive one not the gay one) to get off work, hours later at 1 a.m., to come pick him up. He called to apologize, which I guess he felt that he meant at the time, but I was done.

The first thing I did was take back this ***** pink/purple mole hair winter coat that he picked out a few days prior at Macys.

Over a decade later he still calls. I do think he finally let it go though since I told him that I'm married. He had spoken to DH when leaving a message for me a few months ago and kept calling - finally from an "unknown number" until he got me on the line.



Update - ***** boots are in the garbage. DH asked where they came from since he could not imagine me buying any chunky heeled boots that wrap around my calf and zip up to my knees. lol lol Yeah, they were hideous.

I remembered a couple other signs:

He hated one of my girlfriends who was an exotic dancer....just because of her career and nothing else. He was really mean to her when she came over to have me help her with a class assignment and he asked her to leave MY HOUSE since he was going to bed. I let her stay until we were done.

He got angry when I went to a work event. He said he did not want to go after I asked him several times, but once I got there he changed his mind and paged me. My pager was in my coat, in coat check, so I did not call him back until the end of the event.
 
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naturaltobe said:
I didn't really miss the signs but chose to ignore them at first.

One of his sister's is in an abusive relationship. She lost twins conceived via in-vitro after her husband beat her so bad. One of his brothers also abused his wife, and cheated on her all the time too. I suspect that their mom was abused by her first & third husband although nobody ever talked about it. She drank A LOT!!! His mom had HUGE trashcans full of beer bottles every week. When I first met her at like 9 a.m. on a Saturday, she was slurring her speech drunk. This guy was by husband #2.

He was possessive, got all pissy when I did not call him back right away (beepers - pre cell phone days)

Picked out clothes for me - hideous stuff too - and got pissy if I returned the stuff. I just remembered that I still have some ***** boots that are in the back of my closet all these years later. I will trash them tomorrow.

Accused me of cheating for being out with a female friend after work getting a drink w/o telling him. Of all the after work clubs in NYC he and his cousin were in the SAME club watching me for 15-20 minutes while all I did was have my drink ("Tootsie roll" that I still recall as yummy). I was not dancing with anyone or really talking to anyone but my female friend. He did finally let me know he was there, we danced briefly and finished our drinks then went to catch the train and he started an argument with me on the platform for going out after work....although he was also out w/o telling me.

Accused me of being interested in one of his brothers at a Thanksgiving party with his family because I danced with his brother - his GAY brother and the party was at the GAY lover's house that they shared a couple hours away (by train). When we went back to the city to my place he started an argument over his gay brother. He grabbed me by my neck that night once we were at my place and my back was against the door. I'm 5'4" and he is 6'3". Once he calmed down, I told him to leave and I put his things in a garbage bag. He went to a bar and waited for his brother (the abusive one not the gay one) to get off work, hours later at 1 a.m., to come pick him up. He called to apologize, which I guess he felt that he meant at the time, but I was done.
Click to expand...

I remember a friend telling me about an abusive guy. She said after she was sitting in the audience watching his graduation ceromony he grew angry over her talking to another guy. The guy was his BROTHER! He said she was so beautiful that he didnt want any guys around her.:perplexed
Im glad you found a much better man than that guy naturaltobe.
 
LadyPaniolo said:
I have to give a reccomendation for anybody reading this thread to check out the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Also When Dad Hits Mom by the same author.

This man opened my eyes to the mind of an abusive man more than anything else I have heard or experienced. He's a psychologist who works with abusive men who have been sentenced to anger management, and he knows exactly the kind of things these clowns pull and WHY they do it.
Click to expand...

I read that book, very informative and he gives anecdotes about the men he counseled and their mindset.
 
these are some of the signs i've experienced first hand and i wish i knew then what i knew now..

- socially indifferent. i.e.. social with his friends/co workers but will not open up to your group of people in the slightest. dosen't want to be around '' your people '' and dosen't want you to be around them, either.

- #1 sign.. extremely jealous. like someone said earlier, there's always a '' somebody else ''. you're dressing up for somebody else. you're looking at somebody else.. ect.

- very moody. one minuite they're in a good mood.. great energy. if the slightest thing goes wrong, they switch immediately.. something as small as a car switching into your lane or somebody making his sandwhich wrong at mcdonalds.. and his day is ruined.

- refuses to be wrong in any situation. very competitive by nature. if he's not the smartest, best, fastest, ect.. his temper is through the roof.

- checks your phone, email, purse, closet, car..anything that you may deem personal.. is where you're probably '' hiding '' something ( in his eyes ).

- dosen't like you using the internet.. you could get in touch with '' somebody else '', his #1 fear. constantly searching through history and temporary files trying to find something.

- is very insecure.

- you can't go to any clubs, partys, or basically any gatherings where single males are involved.

- if you try to end it with him, he does not have enough pride to let it go. he will call you 100 times, beg, cry, whatever it takes.

- he tries to do indirect physical harm.. i.e snatching something out of your hands, throwing something at you, pushing you, spitting on you.. because all of that means he '' didn't hit you ''.

- no matter what you do.. you're a whore and a slut that wants to have sex with every man you see.. and THIS is why he is so jealous.

okay imma stop right there 'cause i could go on for days.. but, be weary of the ones that try to lock you down immediately, being possesive and jealous, saying out '' i love you's '' too soon, wanting to commit too soon.. alot of women are flattered by these things but, they can often times be signs of problems to come.
 
i was in a physically abusive relationship in my early 20s.

punched, kicked, scatched -- those were the things I did to him.

and he would slap me, handcuff me to the bed for HOURS and leave the house - he was a cop and i was repeatedly raped. Yes, you can be raped in a relationship.

I'm a fighter and I was never scared to hit back, pick up knives and put my life on the line. By the grace of God I am still here. In another relationship, I was the abuser :/. Dude was always calling the cops on me.

Ironically, there are no programs for abusers who are women. The only program I found was the usual... a discussion group for women who were hit. I tried to join but I was denied. I was pissed at the time but thankfully I wasn't allowed in because my advise would have been pick up a *&**^ ****ing frying pan and go to work next time he hits you.


I carried anger inside for a lonnnnnng time. And I brought that anger into my marriage and eventually my ex-hub got tired of that mess.

My ex leaving me forced me to take a good look at myself and all the ugly sides of me. Threrapy and the willingness to face whatever I had to to change is what brought me through.

I still have bouts of stinking-thinking... but that's all it is and I'm learning to change my thoughts.

I hope you all come through :Rose:
 
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i'm sorry, i know this thread was about signs... I guess i just felt like dumping that thought.

thanks for letting me share
 
Excellent point. After I married my exH and he gradually started acting up, I began to realize he HAD to be a sociopath. HAD to be.

Mitre said:
4 people out of 100 are born sociopaths. Sociopaths donot have a conscience, none at all, no feeling of guilt or remorse no matter what there do. There are unable to feel empathy for the well being of anyone. All their care about is themselves.
1.Donot try to reform/redeem the un redeemable them is is useless there are missing a gene.
2.Always trust your instincts not what what they say.
3. In a relationship make the law of three your personal policy. one lie broken promise neglected responsibility is strike one
4.Always suspect flattery it appeals to your ego
5.Avoid the person at all cost
6. Donot pity them. You must not pity someone who hurts you with words or sticks
7.Defend your psyche, donot allow anyone to define who you are.
Click to expand...
 
He was controlling and very manipulative. He isolated me from my family and friends by making me think that they were against me. He was verbally abusive and was always accusing me of cheating on him.
 
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