Stay or leave??

[Champagne]

My husband of 13 yrs recently told me he has 2 other kids that I knew nothing about. I also found out he has someone on the side for a number of years now.

He wants me to forgive him but I can't get past this. Some folks say stay and work it out, others say stay away from him - this hard because he won't leave me alone.

It's so hard to be strong ......

 

[JFemme]

My husband of 13 yrs recently told me he has 2 other kids that I knew nothing about. I also found out he has someone on the side for a number of years now.

He wants me to forgive him but I can't get past this. Some folks say stay and work it out, others say stay away from him - this hard because he won't leave me alone.

It's so hard to be strong ......

((Hugs)) I am so sorry....you must be feeling devastated..

I would get into counseling as soon as possible. Just you. Give yourself support, space to get clear, deal with the lies, betrayal...

I cant imagine someone lying about their children, and the other woman situation would be an(absolute) deal breaker...

Dang thats got to be hard...

More (((((HUGS)))

 

[envybeauty]

why is he telling you now (when he kept all this a secret until now)? do you feel there were warning signs along the way?

does he live with you? or have you kicked him out?

 

[Champagne]

We are in counselling and he keeps saying he wants to save his marriage.

He has lied so much, I don't want to be a fool and believe one more lie....

 

[JFemme]

We are in counselling and he keeps saying he wants to save his marriage.

He has lied so much, I don't want to be a fool and believe one more lie....

13 years is a lot of lie...

Do you want to save your marriage ?

 

[Champagne]

why is he telling you now (when he kept all this a secret until now)? do you feel there were warning signs along the way?

does he live with you? or have you kicked him out?

First warning: he stays by his momma house saying I am driving him away. I call him - his phone is off. When I see him he is constantly on the phone.

Not sure why he told me. I think he wants me to accept and move on, but i can't not this time (he has cheated before). But It's just not possible for me ... we have 2 kids ..... I feel I have wasted too much time with him.

 

[Champagne]

13 years is a lot of lie...

Do you want to save your marriage ?

Part of me still loves him, but not like before .... it's just too much lies. I don't know if there is anything left to save. I have lost all trust in him and everytime he comes around I get so mad ..

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Its your decision to make. I have never been married or ever been in love so dont really listen to me but i would leave him and move FAR AWAY with my kids. Dont try to stay with his lying, disrespectful ass because of your kids. They deserve better. Im so sorry

 

[JFemme]

Part of me still loves him, but not like before .... it's just too much lies. I don't know if there is anything left to save. I have lost all trust in him and everytime he comes around I get so mad ..

Only you can decide to stay or leave...

If it were me, my first mind would ask who the heck is this person...and who the heck would I be if I continued to be with him...

I'd be out. You've got children to consider, remember that..

 

[envybeauty]

well one thing is for sure: if you stay, you will waste even more time with him. him cheating before, you accepting it, all means that he will do it again. just human nature to do that which you were able to get away with the first time.

focus on you and your kids. .... and leave him to his momma. pisses me off when family doesn't clue u in to ish like that...his family knew about those 2 kids....

First warning: he stays by his momma house saying I am driving him away. I call him - his phone is off. When I see him he is constantly on the phone.

Not sure why he told me. I think he wants me to accept and move on, but i can't not this time (he has cheated before). But It's just not possible for me ... we have 2 kids ..... I feel I have wasted too much time with him.

 

[Champagne]

well one thing is for sure: if you stay, you will waste even more time with him. him cheating before, you accepting it, all means that he will do it again. just human nature to do that which you were able to get away with the first time.

focus on you and your kids. .... and leave him to his momma. pisses me off when family doesn't clue u in to ish like that...his family knew about those 2 kids....

That's what my counseller said, that he won't change. So basically it's up to me whether I will accept it or not. She actually said "in today's society it's the norm". Couldn't believe that!

I have seek legal advice also because there is a house involved and he says that I should leave - which I am not going to.

He confuses me, first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house. But in the next breathe, he wants to save his marriage.

 

[Champagne]

There has been so many previous issues that I have forgiven him for and tried to move on just for the sake of the kids. But enough is enough.

We built a house, tomorrow I am going back to my lawyer because I think he will try to screw me some way or the other.

I know in my heart that this is it - I just need to find my inner strength to pull me through.

 

[Champagne]

well one thing is for sure: if you stay, you will waste even more time with him. him cheating before, you accepting it, all means that he will do it again. just human nature to do that which you were able to get away with the first time.

focus on you and your kids. .... and leave him to his momma. pisses me off when family doesn't clue u in to ish like that...his family knew about those 2 kids....

Yes they did ... they also knew about his other girl ...

 

[JFemme]

There has been so many previous issues that I have forgiven him for and tried to move on just for the sake of the kids. But enough is enough.

We built a house, tomorrow I am going back to my lawyer because I think he will try to screw me some way or the other.

I know in my heart that this is it - I just need to find my inner strength to pull me through.

You can do it,

Every step forward is a step toward your freedom, improved self-esteem/respect and building a new foundation for your future...

You have got to believe that you deserve better...

Claim it...

 

[Champagne]

You can do it,

Every step forward is a step toward your freedom, improved self-esteem/respect and building a new foundation for your future...

You have got to believe that you deserve better...

Claim it...

Thank you .. I needed that.

 

[envybeauty]

That's what my counseller said, that he won't change. So basically it's up to me whether I will accept it or not. She actually said "in today's society it's the norm". Couldn't believe that!

I have seek legal advice also because there is a house involved and he says that I should leave - which I am not going to.

He confuses me, first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house. But in the next breathe, he wants to save his marriage.

(hugs) to you! sh!t like this happens all too often and no matter how many signs, it is still devastating to you. you put your trust and faith in a man and he turns around and stomps on your heart. leaving you to think where did you go wrong and why didn't you see it sooner. does not help when others are telling you just to accept it. well you can't just accept it...not when you can point to at least one couple where the man truly loves his wife and you wonder why yours can't keep still for you.

don't just accept it. your kids have to see you as a role model...even if they can't turn to their father to lead by example.

stay strong.

 

[Cinda2503]

Leave. but first make sure you are financially ready to leave with your kids and never look back. If that takes upwards of three months so be it. You need to hatch a plan that best suits you and your children. Leave if only for your dignity.

I wish you well!

 

[discobiscuits]

My husband of 13 yrs recently told me he has 2 other kids that I knew nothing about. I also found out he has someone on the side for a number of years now.

He wants me to forgive him but I can't get past this. Some folks say stay and work it out, others say stay away from him - this hard because he won't leave me alone.

It's so hard to be strong ......

all i can say is forgive him. stay or go is your decision and yours alone regardless of anyone's input.

Questions I'd ask myself (plz do not answer these here in the open they are rhetorical):
has he or is he going to change?
how old are the children?
how long was the affair and when did it begin/end?
do you love him?
is this problem spiritual, behavioral or both?
what will the quality of your relationship be if you stay/go?

i'm not married but if i were i'd probably forgive and stay, but that is what I would do (circumstances depending, of course). you are not me. try to seek a counselor or good, solid counsel from a good source. follow your gut and your heart. if u r a Christian, search the word and consider a mini retreat alone to fast, pray and seek God's guidance. when i was reeeeeeeeeeeeeely down i did what Esther did. i sequestered myself for 3 days, fasted, prayed and then went to see what God said and brought Him my petition. i'm not suggesting this or telling u to do this, it is just one thing i might do if it were me.

i wish u all the best.

 

[chebaby]

i hate to tell pple what to do about their relationships because it's so touchy.
but......i think you should leave
13 yrs is a beautiful thing but sweety, 2 other kids? men cheat, ok i get it. but without protection? thats your life on the line. and if you two have kids together think about if he was cheating while you were pregnant and gave you something while you pregnant.
even if the first child was a mistake (not the child but the situation) he didnt stop just there. he had another one.
and it wasn't just sex, just a one, two night stand. this is another relationship.
he cant posibly be serious. you would comprimising who you are as a person to stay and no matter how many times you say you forgive him that doubt is always gonna be there and what woman can live the rest of her happy life with that nagging thought in the back, side and front of her mind.
please sweety dont put yourself through that

 

[patient1]

You've got a climb either way (stay or leave). I'm praying for your strength regardless of which journey you put it behind.

Bottomline, your husband is(was?) a closet polygamist.

p1

 

[FlowerHair]

That's what my counseller said, that he won't change. So basically it's up to me whether I will accept it or not. She actually said "in today's society it's the norm". Couldn't believe that!

I have seek legal advice also because there is a house involved and he says that I should leave - which I am not going to.

He confuses me, first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house. But in the next breathe, he wants to save his marriage.

That's a very strange thing to say!!!

I can't even imagine the pain you're going through right now...
If I were in your shoes I would have to set him free to continue his deceiving lifestyle with other women and move forward bravely on my own...

 

[drasgrl]

If you stay can you live with seeing him every day knowing what he did and may continue to do? Every time you look at him you will be reminded of that. If you stay what would be the reasons? If you stay can you continue to look the other way, forgive and forget? If you stay can you find a way not to let the anger and hurt eat you up?

The way I see you have three choices. You can stay and forgive him and work it out. You can stay, keep up appearances and have a marriage just on paper you go your way, he goes his and both of you are fine with it. Or you can leave.

Good luck.

 

[Highly Favored8]

U Must Pray and Ask God what U should do. I am so sorry this has happend to U. U know this is becomming more common I am seeing and hearing that what is happening to woman. This situation is more sadly common than what we think. If it was U who done this to him it would be a whole other ball game! Again, I am so sorry this has happend. Seek God 1st and your answers will soon come. Thank God that this has come to light! As far as losses it is his not Yours! God Restores what has been Lost or Stolen from Us! Be Blessed, Keep us posted!

 

[Highly Favored8]

That's a very strange thing to say!!!

I can't even imagine the pain you're going through right now...
If I were in your shoes I would have to set him free to continue his deceiving lifestyle with other women and move forward bravely on my own...

Flowerhair,

What Champange is saying is true "It is too common" that what has happend to this U lady I see it right now happening to two women and their SO's are holding realtionships with 2 other women who know about their "wives" However, it is acceptable to all the people who know about this arrangement! These people are nuts! It is not right Oh by the way these "wives" know nothing about it

 

[chellero]

This is a ridiculous situation and despite what people are saying it is no where near normal or common. Normal men don't keep women on the side and have other families that they lie to their wives about. This situation is crazy and unhealthy. You should run, not walk to your lawyers and take steps to protect yourself financially and begin the divorce process. You should also go to a doctor and get a full STD screening. This man had unprotected sex with who knows how many women while he was with you. It doesn't matter how many years you've been together or how much you love him. He doesn't love you or your children enough. Love doesn't risk your life by having unprotected sex with random chicks. Love doesn't break up your family and lie. And what about your children? What will you be teaching them about relationships and love if you stay with this man? Will your sons grow up to do this to someone else? Will your daughters grow up to think that this is what love looks like?

I don't see how you can even consider staying. You are being abused by your husband just as surely as the woman getting her butt kicked every night is. Your situation is abusive, unhealthy, and just ugly and you and your children deserve better.
And you should get a new counselor. Your current one must be up out her mind to be talking about how your situation is normal.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I can't even wrap my mind around the amount of pain you are feeling right now. I can't believe his own family would keep a secret like this from you. You're his wife!!!!! Dahell are people thinking these days! Like a previous person said, you need to seek God first and allow Him to lead you to make the right decision, pray for your wayward husband, and then forgive. The book of Hosea is a good example of cheating spouse and the lengths Hosea went to save his marriage, despite his emotions. No one here can tell you what to do and you know your husband better than anyone else. It seems like your husband needs a 'come to Jesus' moment in his life because his behavior is beyond selifsh and dangerous-Lord knows what you have been exposed to.

Don't be afraid to take time out for yourself to sort things out and don't let this man have his cake and eat it to and DON'T LET HIM RUSH YOU to make a decision. You deserve to be happy and healthy. He doesn't even realize the damaging example he is setting for his own children. Take care of yourself and know someone is praying for you.

 

[MissScarlett]

I can't even wrap my mind around the amount of pain you are feeling right now. I can't believe his own family would keep a secret like this from you. You're his wife!!!!! Dahell are people thinking these days! Like a previous person said, you need to seek God first and allow Him to lead you to make the right decision, pray for your wayward husband, and then forgive. The book of Hosea is a good example of cheating spouse and the lengths Hosea went to save his marriage, despite his emotions. No one here can tell you what to do and you know your husband better than anyone else. It seems like your husband needs a 'come to Jesus' moment in his life because his behavior is beyond selifsh and dangerous-Lord knows what you have been exposed to.

Don't be afraid to take time out for yourself to sort things out and don't let this man have his cake and eat it to and DON'T LET HIM RUSH YOU to make a decision. You deserve to be happy and healthy. He doesn't even realize the damaging example he is setting for his own children. Take care of yourself and know someone is praying for you.

See, I can. I always feel like no matter what families protect their own, right or wrong. I know that I never get that chummy with my inlaws b/c in the end, I know that they are dh's family, and if some ish goes down, they'd side with him in a minute, again right or wrong.

This whole situation is so hurtful. I'm so sorry for you. Is he a serial cheater, does he have two children with one woman? If he's a serial cheater, there is no hope for him. Most serial cheaters do so out of their OWN low-selfesteem, they are not confident in themselves to be with just ONE woman, they also lack the knowledge of true intimacy.

 

[lunabelle]

Wow, i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Do what's best for YOU. Do you feel that you could be happier without him? I know you all have a lot history and that can sometimes be very hard to let go,but you have kids that need you and all the stress and heartache from him isn't healthy. It just doesn't seem like he's very trustworthy. Who wants to live like that? If you want to stay and work it out you're gonna have to really work through the issues and let it go.(that means no throwing it up in his face when you're mad) Otherwise, your relationship will be full of resentment and anger. If you aren't able to honestly do that then I say go. Don't stay just for the comfort of the situation, by staying with him you could be blocking another blessing.

 

[lunabelle]

That's what my counseller said, that he won't change. So basically it's up to me whether I will accept it or not. She actually said "in today's society it's the norm". Couldn't believe that!

I have seek legal advice also because there is a house involved and he says that I should leave - which I am not going to.

He confuses me, first he says I should leave or if I stay I cannot bring a man to the house. But in the next breathe, he wants to save his marriage.

This ish is crazy!!!! How dare he say you should leave and his a@# is the one in the dog house??!!! And then he wants to dictate to you who should be up in the house. Now he wants to act like you should respect him in anyway, he not only disrespected you and your children but also himself when he stepped out. He deserves no respect! I wrote my first post before reading this. F what i said earlier now i'm pissed off. Kick his selfish a#@ to the curb!!!!

 

[Lucie]

I cannot tell you what to do but you received some wonderful advice on the board. I will keep you in my prayers and many ((( HUGS )))