Spinny: twentysomething and not married

[greight]

I've noticed it from Nigerian men but not from Angolan men.

I'm dating someone who is simultaneously interviewing me for the title of wife . This all went down in the span of 48hrs

I like it, but I'm just kinda thrown off since I haven't been in this dating position before. It does make things straight forward, though.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I'm dating someone who is simultaneously interviewing me for the title of wife . This all went down in the span of 48hrs

I like it, but I'm just kinda thrown off since I haven't been in this dating position before. It does make things straight forward, though.

Is he Nigerian? They tend to be very forward about marriage, lol. Like date one forward.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

All I know is that I'm 27 and this year I sat back and said to myself that I'm in my prime and I want to be in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage (there's no question about this at all) so I am completely opened to it. The party/casual dating scene gets really old and lame, I realized it this year..TRUST ME ON THIS.

This is where I am in life.... I am tired of dating/clubbing....I guess when you hit your late 20's, you view life very differently.

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[mischka]

Not everyone who enjoys being single is a heavy clubhead. I go clubbing like once every other year.

 

[greight]

Is he Nigerian? They tend to be very forward about marriage, lol. Like date one forward.

Yes, he is!

I'm not Nigerian, but I am African so I wasn't shocked/chagrined when he mentioned about me meeting his family on the first date. After he said that, I knew he liked me

He seems the type that if it doesn't work out, he doesn't hang on at all or stay around until someone better comes along. He simply gives the deuces. I respect that . Even if we don't work out, I'm sure I'll still be friends with him since I dig his personality. I'm a big fan of straight-forward.

 

[Theo]

Yes, he is!

I'm not Nigerian, but I am African so I wasn't shocked/chagrined when he mentioned about me meeting his family on the first date. After he said that, I knew he liked me

He seems the type that if it doesn't work out, he doesn't hang on at all or stay around until someone better comes along. He simply gives the deuces. I respect that . Even if we don't work out, I'm sure I'll still be friends with him since I dig his personality. I'm a big fan of straight-forward.

I could see myself appreciating that later on in my life. But for right now, those types of guys scare me and I avoid them.

This one guy, I think I passed his "test" with flying colors because I he started to pursue me very heavily. I told him in the beginning, I'm just looking for fun, he didn't seem to get it. He was deadset on wifing me up and I didn't want to be wifed up. It was very difficult getting rid of him. Never again

 

[greight]

I could see myself appreciating that later on in my life. But for right now, those types of guys scare me and I avoid them.

This one guy, I think I passed his "test" with flying colors because I he started to pursue me very heavily. I told him in the beginning, I'm just looking for fun, he didn't seem to get it. He was deadset on wifing me up and I didn't want to be wifed up. It was very difficult getting rid of him. Never again

Girl, please believe I understand.

I'm just trusting my instincts with this situation since I know it can probably get ugly. Especially since he's close to his family and if you marry Nigerian, you are marrying his family, too. Period.

I'm at the point where I just want to know upfront where I stand in a man's life before I put my emotions in a situation. Whether he's dating just to date or dating to get married.

 

[softblackcotton]

Another thing that I wanted to address: Why is there a notion that all the fun ends once one gets married (before the kids obviously)? I plan on having a ball with my husband.

I AGREE if you marry the right man then marriage can be fun and your life will grow in new ways. It's the kids that wreck things. I believe kids (as in plural, because one is manageable) take your life downhill. I've seen people with kids and they can't do anything without much PLANNING AND MONEY. A good Marriage without kids or just one kid seems like it could be a great life.

 

[tiffal1922]

Im 21 and i have educational goals that i want to achieve prior to having kids and getting married but my SO has had plans to be married, have kids, move to california, move back to georgetown and have at least a 200k+ house by the time were 25... 0_o and then has the nerve to want me to wait to pursue my ph.d and im thinking we aren't getting anyones house in georgetown with him teaching and my having a masters. Everyone has been telling me if the love is there it will work but he's stressing been the mess out of me and i'm supposed to be starting my masters next month
*sigh*
any suggestions?

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[FemmeFatale]

I AGREE if you marry the right man then marriage can be fun and your life will grow in new ways. It's the kids that wreck things. I believe kids (as in plural, because one is manageable) take your life downhill. I've seen people with kids and they can't do anything without much PLANNING AND MONEY. A good Marriage without kids or just one kid seems like it could be a great life.

This made me LOL This is why I want to have my husband to myself for a good 3 yrs min.

 

[HauteHippie]

It's mostly due to my surroundings and some other personal things.

I was talking to my friend about the Atlas Shrugged movie that will be coming out and this quote made me think of you.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I live by this and another T.E. Lawrence one. I'm a dork, I know, but it's okay!

 

[Imani]

This is where I am in life.... I am tired of dating/clubbing....I guess when you hit your late 20's, you view life very differently.

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I'm in my late 20s and I actually want to do the dating/clubbing scene. Well, maybe not "clubbing" persay, but going out to lounges and other events and just being out and about and meeting people.

I did the hardcore clubbing in undergrad, so I'm straight on that. But then after college I didn't really get out much or date much, mostly due to my location; and on top of that I was living at home for a few years after grad school. So, now I'm 28 and really just now out on my own in a happening metro area.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I'm in my late 20s and I actually want to do the dating/clubbing scene. Well, maybe not "clubbing" persay, but going out to lounges and other events and just being out and about and meeting people.

I did the hardcore clubbing in undergrad, so I'm straight on that. But then after college I didn't really get out much or date much, mostly due to my location; and on top of that I was living at home for a few years after grad school. So, now I'm 28 and really just now out on my own in a happening metro area.

I don't mind happy hour, lounges or things like that. I have been living on my own since I was 22. So in my early to mid twenties I partied, travelled and dated for the sake of dating. Girl, I am burnt out, lol. Now curling with a movie/book and glass of wine is a perfect night for me. I am 28, and I am ready to share my life with someone.

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[delitefulmane]

^^^ I agree with FemmeFatale! Especially since the pool for BW is already limited; this if you want to marry a BM. I don't think waiting until late 30s will lead to many options to choose from. Idk, maybe Im young and naive as well.

Im 23 and I am getting the itch to get married. I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy and I can see us getting married in the near future.

I don't like the idea of "getting established" and THEN getting married. IMO, once people are "established" they are set in their ways! I want to grow with my future husband and build an empire TOGETHER. I also want a large family (not like the Duggers though ) so I want to get started while my body is resilient!!

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Not everyone who enjoys being single is a heavy clubhead. I go clubbing like once every other year.

mischka, I was really not my intent to imply that people who are enjoying being single are clubheads. So people travel a lot, work a lot, or even sit at home. For me, when I was adament about being single, I clubbed, went to concerts, and whatever else my heart desired. Personally, I enjoy companionship and now that I am more settled, I want companionship in the form of a serious relationship.
Priorities change.

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[Victorian]

I was talking to my friend about the Atlas Shrugged movie that will be coming out and this quote made me think of you.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I live by this and another T.E. Lawrence one. I'm a dork, I know, but it's okay!

OT: I love Atlas Shrugged. I read that book in 11th grade and it had such an impression on me. I think Rand was a little nuts, but not totally. I still enjoy her writing (she certainly spun a good yarn ) and a lot of her philosophy resonates with me, even if not all of it.

 

[Damaged but not out]

^^ the fountainhead which i read around 13ish had the same effect on me.

but back to topic im 26, I could be married by the end of this year.
My family is not pushing me,my circle of friends are all working or studying hardly a relationship in sight( so no peer/social pressure).

I always said by 25 I would be pregnant, getting ready to have my first child etc. , but obviously that's not happening. My SO/FH is ready to get married, he is willing to delay us starting a family and settling somewhere permanent so that I can be a gypsy for a cpl more years.

But am I the only one who still feels like they're 16, It feels sometimes like I just finished my last CXC last week not over 10yrs ago! I mean I've had life experiences, don't get me wrong but when my SO was like this year we should get married(we've talked about it before but not so definitively) my internal reaction was but im SOOO SO SO YOUNG!

So i'm on the fence, alot of ppl younger than me are married,or getting married or pregnant or just had their first babies.
Settling at home like their parents did before them, but it's like why bother going to school, getting a degree and then coming back home and doing absolutely nothing different than the generation before! Sad to say but I foresee alot of divorces( but thats a different thread)

Ramble over

 

[Imani]

I don't mind happy hour, lounges or things like that. I have been living on my own since I was 22. So in my early to mid twenties I partied, travelled and dated for the sake of dating. Girl, I am burnt out, lol. Now curling with a movie/book and glass of wine is a perfect night for me. I am 28, and I am ready to share my life with someone.

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I can count on one hand the number of guys I've actually went on dates with as an adult. I feel like I missed a whole chunk of young adult life or something. Or maybe my expectations are off, idk. I definitely enjoy a night in, but like to get out sometimes as well.

I have an aunt (now 40), who married right out of undergrad (like he literally proposed the night of their college graduation and they moved in together immediately after) and she always says she wished she had waited a while and did the single in the city thing. She said she would have still prob married her now husband, but just to have those years on her own first.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I can count on one hand the number of guys I've actually went on dates with as an adult. I feel like I missed a whole chunk of young adult life or something. Or maybe my expectations are off, idk. I definitely enjoy a night in, but like to get out sometimes as well.

I have an aunt (now 40), who married right out of undergrad (like he literally proposed the night of their college graduation and they moved in together immediately after) and she always says she wished she had waited a while and did the single in the city thing. She said she would have still prob married her now husband, but just to have those years on her own first.

You did not miss out on anything. It seems like you are in a great place. You seem content and confident about where you are in life, and that's what's most important.

My mother gave me the same advice as your Aunt and that's what I did. Now my mother really wants grandkids, so her tune has changed.

Trust me, dating a lot was not all it's cracked up to be.

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[Etherealsmile]

Not everyone who enjoys being single is a heavy clubhead. I go clubbing like once every other year.

Very true, i can't remember the last time I was in a club. I do enjoy house parties though, those thrown by the people from my country, we stay eating, laughing and talking crap almost every darn weekend

 

[Theo]

I think I just wanna sow some oats right now. I'm not sleeping around or anything, but I'm having so much fun now. I personally like the whole being single, living on my own, living in the city thing. The only thing is, I wish I had more money. If I had more money, I would be souch happier right now. My life would be great

 

[Etherealsmile]

Im 21 and i have educational goals that i want to achieve prior to having kids and getting married but my SO has had plans to be married, have kids, move to california, move back to georgetown and have at least a 200k+ house by the time were 25... 0_o and then has the nerve to want me to wait to pursue my ph.d and im thinking we aren't getting anyones house in georgetown with him teaching and my having a masters. Everyone has been telling me if the love is there it will work but he's stressing been the mess out of me and i'm supposed to be starting my masters next month
*sigh*
any suggestions?

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tiffal1922 if you're both under 25 i'm really not understanding what his rush is?erplexed

Re-read what you just posted; those are his goals I don't see anywhere you wrote that you want the same things he does.

At 21, you are still discovering yourself, i'm not sure what his educational goals are but I hope you don't cave in and push back your ambitions in order to accommodate him.

I very narrowly dodged a bullet by not marrying a man who wanted me to compromise pretty much all of my goals in order to fulfill his goals. A man like that does not truly care about you.

If he does, then he'll understand that you have certain things you need to accomplish before settling down with children. He has absolutely no right to ask you to wait to pursue your PHD.

I caution you; if you yield to his wants, you will end up resenting him and being bitter because it is not what you wanted at that point in your life.

Love is great, however you guys need a solid foundation for yourselves to build on. At 21, I highly doubt the foundation is there for him to be making such demands on you

Try to stop stressing about it and listen to your intuition, what is it telling you? Chances are you probably know what the answer is. I hope you make the right decisions for yourself. After all it is your life and no one should be telling you how/when to accomplish goals that you've made for yourself. Only you have that authority

 

[Imani]

You did not miss out on anything. It seems like you are in a great place. You seem content and confident about where you are in life, and that's what's most important.

My mother gave me the same advice as your Aunt and that's what I did. Now my mother really wants grandkids, so her tune has changed.

Trust me, dating a lot was not all it's cracked up to be.

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I wouldn't say i'm 100% content and happy w/my life, but I'm VERY VERY much so closer to it that I was say, in my mid 20s; I was a wreck. Now I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

I had an off and on FWB that later turned into a relationship, and the whole thing basically spanned over about 4 years. I lived w/my grandmother for a while in a small backwoods city and my life mostly revolved around driving to see this man on the wknds, that was the highlight of my week and of my life at the time. I let a lot of who he was and what he wanted me to be and how he felt about me dictate my life. I basically felt like I had no life without him.

So I feel like I am just now really out on my own (physically and mentally) w/o depending on him or anyone else. Rediscovering who I am, what I want, what I like, making all my own decisions, etc. And just doing what I want to do, when i want to do it. Like for instance, I've very shy and when I was with him, I didn't bother to try to make any friends, I just depended on him to be social for both of us. So now, I'm getting out on my own and meeting people so I can have my own friends and my own life.