Spinny: twentysomething and not married

Nope. I believe that my 20s is for me to truly enjoy my younger years and basically do what I want with no repercussions or having to answer to anyone. I regulated the 30s for being a soccer mom.

I was proposed to at the age of 19 and again at 22/23 and I declined both. Actually for the last one I avoided any wedding/marriage conversation like a plague after he first mentioned it.

I want to get married but not now.
 
I turned 26 this month and marriage and babies has been on my mind for about two years now, before that I had an effed up rlp that didn't even last a year. And last year I also dated a guy and things didn't go well so I'm starting to believe that my love life is doomed. I really admire you ladies for not letting those statistics about the amount of single black women discourage you, for me though, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm also worried about how people will look at me if I never get married or have children, my co-workers already look at me as an anomaly because I'm not booed up at my age. Anyway, this year I have decided to focus on school. I'm going back to school in september to obtain my MA degree in African Studies:).
 
Maracujá said:
I turned 26 this month and marriage and babies has been on my mind for about two years now, before that I had an effed up rlp that didn't even last a year. And last year I also dated a guy and things didn't go well so I'm starting to believe that my love life is doomed. I really admire you ladies for not letting those statistics about the amount of single black women discourage you, for me though, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm also worried about how people will look at me if I never get married or have children, my co-workers already look at me as an anomaly because I'm not booed up at my age. Anyway, this year I have decided to focus on school. I'm going back to school in september to obtain my MA degree in African Studies:).
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Please, work hard on changing this mindset. Worrying about what others think of you is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves as human beings. The reason being, no matter what you do, be it negative or positive, someone will always have something to say about the decisions you make in your life.

The sooner you learn to live your for yourself, others be damned, the more content and at peace you'll be.

This is coming from someone who has been a chronic people pleaser for years. I finally realized it ain't worth it:yep:
 
Maracujá said:
I turned 26 this month and marriage and babies has been on my mind for about two years now, before that I had an effed up rlp that didn't even last a year. And last year I also dated a guy and things didn't go well so I'm starting to believe that my love life is doomed. I really admire you ladies for not letting those statistics about the amount of single black women discourage you, for me though, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm also worried about how people will look at me if I never get married or have children, my co-workers already look at me as an anomaly because I'm not booed up at my age. Anyway, this year I have decided to focus on school. I'm going back to school in september to obtain my MA degree in African Studies:).
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But why? How? How could you believe it? What does it have to do with you personally? How can it determine your life?
 
Maracujá said:
I turned 26 this month and marriage and babies has been on my mind for about two years now, before that I had an effed up rlp that didn't even last a year. And last year I also dated a guy and things didn't go well so I'm starting to believe that my love life is doomed. I really admire you ladies for not letting those statistics about the amount of single black women discourage you, for me though, sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm also worried about how people will look at me if I never get married or have children, my co-workers already look at me as an anomaly because I'm not booed up at my age. Anyway, this year I have decided to focus on school. I'm going back to school in september to obtain my MA degree in African Studies:).
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Don't feel bad! Do what you love and perhaps you'll meet someone to love and be loved by while doing so. Please, please be careful. Some people will take advantage of you if they know what you want. Follow your instincts and, if for some reason they fail you, talk to a mentor.

In the free world, veerrry little in life is doomed. That's the beauty of freedom. You get to decide who you want to be and what kind of life you'll live.

Stay positive, please. Wishing you all the best in your studies, love life and future!
 
I'll be 26 this year and I ain't never scared. I have dated some wonderful, amazing men ( plus one douchedouche) and a couple have wanted to get married. The thought of marriage makes me feel nauseous, though. Just 1 more thing I must do on my own first.
Then we can talk marriage. A few years afterwards, we can decide whether it's start time for children.

I think of marriage/kids as a rebirth and generally, I'm having too much fun in my 20s doing what I want to do. At no other stage in life can I be this selfish. I'll take advantage of that now b/c I really don't want to so much in the future.
 
I don't know I have very mixed feelings about this, on one hand I completely understand wanting to enjoy your 20s but I do believe that too many women make the mistake of having fun, fun, fun, partying, sleeping around, etc in their 20s only to turn around in their 30s wondering where all the good men are at. And yes I'm talking about good looking, successful women that are in shape, lol.

Men tend to marry women that are younger so I do think that we should keep in mind if marriage is the goal. Remember one day you're 24 and the next min you're 29, time flies lol.

I forgot my disclaimer: I am not speaking in absolutes, lol.
 
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When you get thirty, you just have to start looking at fifty year olds. You'll still be hot to them, right? :lol:
 
It's interesting to see all the limitations people place on themselves. There is siht about me that I know some potential mates will just not be ok with, and yet I still feel like my chances of marriage are just as good as anyone else.
 
All I know is that I'm 27 and this year I sat back and said to myself that I'm in my prime and I want to be in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage (there's no question about this at all) so I am completely opened to it. The party/casual dating scene gets really old and lame, I realized it this year..TRUST ME ON THIS.
 
mischka said:
It's interesting to see all the limitations people place on themselves. There is siht about me that I know some potential mates will just not be ok with, and yet I still feel like my chances of marriage are just as good as anyone else.
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I feel like that too but when I look at the marriage rates and all the attractive 30+ year old women that are single I really wonder if that line of thinking is detrimental (mainly for black women).

I've seen it at work, the numerous symposiums/conferences I've attended, events, homecomings, and even facebook, lol.
 
Ok, good - now we are getting to the crux of the discussion. Why are some of us worried about it and some of us not? I didn't think of it in these terms when I made the op but: does some of the worry come from race specific perceptions? This includes the media bombing about single black women - seeing beautiful single older black women (no kids? I think this is relevant) - lack of availability of marriageable black men. Is it something personal or is it race based? (rhetorical questions, mostly, or musings, more accurately)
 
mischka said:
Ok, good - now we are getting to the crux of the discussion. Why are some of us worried about it and some of us not? I didn't think of it in these terms when I made the op but: does some of the worry come from race specific perceptions? This includes the media bombing about single black women - seeing beautiful single older black women (no kids? I think this is relevant) - lack of availability of marriageable black men. Is it something personal or is it race based? (rhetorical questions, mostly, or musings, more accurately)
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I think it's a combination of it all. Now keep in mind, I live I the NYC metro area so most of what I say is based on my real life observations and experiences, I try not to let the media have any impact on that. Oh and the women I've encountered generally do not have kids. These are "Tiffanys" not "Boomquishas" if that helps you get a better visual.

I think the crux of the issue is thinking that we're young and have all the time in the world when we really don't. I think the show Single Ladies depicts that pretty well.
 
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mischka said:
Ok, good - now we are getting to the crux of the discussion. Why are some of us worried about it and some of us not? I didn't think of it in these terms when I made the op but: does some of the worry come from race specific perceptions?
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I think it can be several reasons.

The size of your Dating Pool
If you have no trouble attracting and getting a man, then you probably wouldn't worry about it. If you have trouble in this area, you would, since your numbers of potentials would be lower.

Where marriage fits on your time line
If you don't mind the possibility of getting married at an older age (or don't care if you get married at all), you probably are not worried about it. If you have to get married by a certain age, especially in your 20s, that's a lot of pressure and will cause some worry.

Environment
If all or most of the black women around you are in loving, fulfilling marriages (or on their way to that point), I feel like you will be more likely to think it will rub off on you too and not worry about it. If all you see are single, baby momma black women, then the media will probably get to you.
 
lushcoils said:
I think it can be several reasons.

The size of your Dating Pool
If you have no trouble attracting and getting a man, then you probably wouldn't worry about it. If you have trouble in this area, you would, since your numbers of potentials would be lower.

Where marriage fits on your time line
If you don't mind the possibility of getting married at an older age (or don't care if you get married at all), you probably are not worried about it. If you have to get married by a certain age, especially in your 20s, that's a lot of pressure and will cause some worry.

Environment
If all or most of the black women around you are in loving, fulfilling marriages (or on their way to that point), I feel like you will be more likely to think it will rub off on you too and not worry about it. If all you see are single, baby momma black women, then the media will probably get to you.
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I thought I would address points A and C..

There is a difference between attracting and dating a man and getting married to one, especially in this day and age, where men are just trying to f. A huge difference. My friends are "talking to" or casually dating several guys, but that's as deep as it goes. You can attracts lots of men that are only interested in hooking up.

As for point C, as I stated before it's the "Tiffanys" out there that are having trouble finding men to marry them.
 
lushcoils said:
I think it can be several reasons.

The size of your Dating Pool
If you have no trouble attracting and getting a man, then you probably wouldn't worry about it. If you have trouble in this area, you would, since your numbers of potentials would be lower.

Where marriage fits on your time line
If you don't mind the possibility of getting married at an older age (or don't care if you get married at all), you probably are not worried about it. If you have to get married by a certain age, especially in your 20s, that's a lot of pressure and will cause some worry.

Environment
If all or most of the black women around you are in loving, fulfilling marriages (or on their way to that point), I feel like you will be more likely to think it will rub off on you too and not worry about it. If all you see are single, baby momma black women, then the media will probably get to you.
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As far as environment, mine would definitely qualify as the latter but I still manage to float on :driver:
 
I'm 27 and I have been with my bf for 10 years and I'm still not ready for marriage. Maybe next year, I know that he's the one but I don't feel like I need to follow a specific time line. I know he's ready to get married but....idk. I'm in no rush.
 
FemmeFatale said:
I thought I would address points A and C..

There is a difference between attracting and dating a man and getting married to one, especially in this day and age, where men are just trying to f. A huge difference. My friends are "talking to" or casually dating several guys, but that's as deep as it goes. You can attracts lots of men that are only interested in hooking up.

As for point C, as I stated before it's the "Tiffanys" out there that are having trouble finding men to marry them.
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I guess I was referring to the women who are able to attract marriage minded attractive quality men daily. I'm going to assume they are not worried about getting married. I still feel like women who attract lots of men have better chances at getting married than those who don't since they have more numbers in their dating pool. Sure, they'll attract losers, but it's more likely they'll have a higher number of quality men to choose from than those who only attract a small amount of men.

Me personally, part A is the only part worrying me right now. I don't mind getting married and having kids in my 30's, so I don't feel time pressure. And in my culture, 97% of the women get married and most of the men are married minded. So I have plenty examples of quality attractive in shape black women getting married despite what the media says.
 
Another thing that I wanted to address: Why is there a notion that all the fun ends once one gets married (before the kids obviously)? I plan on having a ball with my husband.
 
lushcoils said:
I guess I was referring to the women who are able to attract marriage minded attractive quality men daily. I'm going to assume they are not worried about getting married. I still feel like women who attract lots of men have better chances at getting married than those who don't since they have more numbers in their dating pool. Sure, they'll attract losers, but it's more likely they'll have a higher number of quality men to choose from than those who only attract a small amount of men.

Me personally, part A is the only part worrying me right now. I don't mind getting married and having kids in my 30's, so I don't feel time pressure. And in my culture, 97% of the women get married and most of the men are married minded. So I have plenty examples of quality attractive in shape black women getting married despite what the media says.
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I see what you mean. Are you African by any chance? If so then I think that makes a difference as African men are more marriage minded then AA men.
 
FemmeFatale said:
Another thing that I wanted to address: Why is there a notion that all the fun ends once one gets married (before the kids obviously)? I plan on having a ball with my husband.
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I never understood this either:perplexed, since i'm not planning on having children, i'm sure my fun will be ongoing until much later in life...I may adopt or be a foster parent in my late 40's after I have experienced the world with my
husband :)


I'm not worried at all about getting married anytime soon because first I have no biological clock to be concerned about, and secondly because I know I face a bigger challenge than most women in that I am one of the few who does not want children.

So for me to find a quality partner will most likely take longer and I might end up with someone who already has kids at a later point in my life. Ah well, let the chips fall where they may:lol:
 
I am teetering at the edge of the end of my twenties here at 29. I am only starting to think about marriage as a serious thing recently. Primarily because I want to have children, and I dont want any complicated child birth or complications getting pregnant so it kind of makes me zone in on this time period as the time to "settle down." If it weren't for kids, I would probably relax about marriage and go another 10 years before I wanted to settle down. Honest truth.

Let me tell you how I have used my single life: :yep:

So far, my career is on point, I am literally on the verge of my dream, everything I have been working towards is coming to be, and earlier than I imagined, meaning I should probably broaden my goals to the things that seemed so amazing that they would be far fetched. I have travelled the entire world, I have seen almost every single continent, and would NEVER trade those experiences for anything. I have found my "tribe" the people who are my true blue friends, people who "get" me, who share my values who share my lifestyle. Real friends who will at the drop of a hat will travel the world to be with me in hard times, and I know this because I experienced it when my mom passed. The kinds of friends that not everyone has. My family, that can be a bit clannish, always marvels at how blessed I am to have such good friends, and I remind them that you choose your friends, I just chose wisely. I can also say, not a single one of them behaves or has a lifestyle I would not want to expose my future children to. All of us are well traveled, well educated, young professionals, none of us married, very few in relationships. I think we are all headed towards the " family building" phase soon.

I have my finances in order, according to my financial planner, if I stay on course, I will be financially "free" by 40. ( though nobody I'm dating needs to know that, that is on a need to know basis, and you only need to know that when we're talking about merging assets, ie we are engaged). I have been in love, deep deep love, I have had my heart broken. I have had so many rich experiences that I know if I died today, though theres so much I would love to do, I have not wasted a single day, and I would die without regrets.:yep:



That said, I think I have used my single years quite well, and my life is full of love, happiness, and rich experiences. I do think its time to focus on marriage. I don't feel old, but I want some time alone with my husband before I have kids, and I want to have kids by 35 at the latest. Which means I need to focus. like anything else in life.

I am not tooting my own horn, I am honestly assessing my social skills and I know I am very charming, I am the life of every party, and been described as magnetic. People speak highly of me, and almost always want to keep in touch after meeting me. Men stammer around me and approach me several times a day, so its really a matter of me being willing, and finding a suitable match.

I am supposed to move soon, for a new work contract, and I plan on really ramping up the search process once I move. For now I am looking more actively than before, but not as active as I could be. I'm not really " worried" but I do know a lot of it is chance as well. I think if I focus I can find a mate. I get along many kinds of people so I am sure I can find someone I can tolerate for a marriage, and I am not difficult or off putting to the point that I dont think anyone would want to marry me. :lol:

Basically I am not to worried, but I understand I have to make it a priority at this point if I want it to happen soon. I have lived my life very well thus far, so no one on this earth could ever convince me that I was "wasting precious time" all these years before.
 
mischka said:
Ok, good - now we are getting to the crux of the discussion. Why are some of us worried about it and some of us not? I didn't think of it in these terms when I made the op but: does some of the worry come from race specific perceptions? This includes the media bombing about single black women - seeing beautiful single older black women (no kids? I think this is relevant) - lack of availability of marriageable black men. Is it something personal or is it race based? (rhetorical questions, mostly, or musings, more accurately)
Click to expand...


I think it has to do largely with socialization. My grandmother got married at 25 and my mother at 29. I'm not sure how long my grandmother and grandfather dated however my mother and father were in a relationship for 7 (yes 7) years before getting married. My mother always implored that I finish school, work, travel, shop, pick up new hobbies now because getting married changes everything. My grandmother has no desire to become a great grandmother, unless she's like 90 of course lol.

I'm not pressured to get married and have children, neither are my friends, so it's not something that I care about that much. I'm sure if I was in an environment where getting married and having children was the thing to do right after uni I would've felt differently.
 
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