Should you Change the Texture of Your Hair to Meet Your Husband?

SouthernGirl

SouthernGirl

New Member
Now, I know how I would respond to this question, but listen to this...

I went to dinner with some girlfriends last night, and I commented my friend on her natural hair. I've always admired her for her look, and she wears her TWA very well :)

Anyhoo, I told the girls about this site and that there had been a lot of discussion around transitioning. I mentioned that I'm going to stretch out my relaxer as long as possible, in hopes of transitioning down the road. Since I wear my hair back so much, I figured I'd only have to press it to wear it down if I wanted to wear my current style, or just wear it loose and free.

Anyhoo, my girl says, "What??? Don't do that! I'm trying to grow out my TWA so I can get it relaxed so it can look like yours, then I can attract the type of men I want to marry." Right now she says she only attracts the Bohemian, artsy types, which is fine for DATING, but she wants to MARRY a very successful "Corporate type." For this, she believes her hair needs to be long, straight, and flowing :scratchch

I have guy friends that fit her model, that LOVE natural hair (that I am going to introduce her to), and some that don't like the relaxed look. I'm sure this topic has been debated before, but what do you guys think? If a woman wants to attract a certain type of man (with the hopes of marriage/family), should she change her hair to fit the sterotypical image of beauty that those men may have, or should she simply wear the style she feels best suits her until the right guy comes along?
 
Well geez louise, if she did attract this "ideal" marrying man it sounds like he'd dump her the minute she's due for a touch up!
 
BLESSED1 said:
Well geez louise, if she did attract this "ideal" marrying man it sounds like he'd dump her the minute she's due for a touch up!
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Okay, I'm falling off my chair Blessed1!! :lol:

I am a friend, and I do want to respond to her one-on-one, but I'd like to get some suggestions of how best to respond to this.

Any other ideas?
 
Why should she have to change her hair to get a man? Her future husband should fall in love with her for her.. not because her hair is relaxed..
 
SouthernGirl said:
Now, I know how I would respond to this question, but listen to this...

I went to dinner with some girlfriends last night, and I commented my friend on her natural hair. I've always admired her for her look, and she wears her TWA very well :)

Anyhoo, I told the girls about this site and that there had been a lot of discussion around transitioning. I mentioned that I'm going to stretch out my relaxer as long as possible, in hopes of transitioning down the road. Since I wear my hair back so much, I figured I'd only have to press it to wear it down if I wanted to wear my current style, or just wear it loose and free.

Anyhoo, my girl says, "What??? Don't do that! I'm trying to grow out my TWA so I can get it relaxed so it can look like yours, then I can attract the type of men I want to marry." Right now she says she only attracts the Bohemian, artsy types, which is fine for DATING, but she wants to MARRY a very successful "Corporate type." For this, she believes her hair needs to be long, straight, and flowing :scratchch

I have guy friends that fit her model, that LOVE natural hair (that I am going to introduce her to), and some that don't like the relaxed look. I'm sure this topic has been debated before, but what do you guys think? If a woman wants to attract a certain type of man (with the hopes of marriage/family), should she change her hair to fit the sterotypical image of beauty that those men may have, or should she simply wear the style she feels best suits her until the right guy comes along?
Click to expand...
How would you respond to this?

Geez, I'm sorry your friend feels this way.
 
candibaby said:
Why should she have to change her hair to get a man? Her future husband should fall in love with her for her.. not because her hair is relaxed..
Click to expand...

That was my thought Candibaby, but I'm trying to find the best way to tell her. I know that hair issues go very deep, so I want to proceed cautiously with this one.

She didn't ask for my advice, but I think that if I could introduce her to some guys that will show her that she is beautiful just as she is, and that meeting a great guy has nothing to do with straight Vs. natural, she won't make a drastic change that in the end she may not even like.
 
Of course hair is part of the appeal. When was the last time anyone wore a week-old bun on a first date?

I joke with my sister that AFTER I'm married and settled with kids, I'll wear a short natural TWA and never have to worry about touchups again. She threatens that the husband won't like the bait and switch.

There are societal rewards for shaving legs, getting contacts, whitening teeth, wearing form fitting clothes, and relaxing/coloring/perming/cutting/growing out hair.
 
I think your friend has a very superficial perspective on what marriage is about. But I guess she'll find out...
 
I wear my hair the way I want to. The man I attract would honor that. IMO, a real man, bohemian or corporate, would be attracted to the whole package, including the personality and what's on the inside.
 
Allandra said:
How would you respond to this?

Geez, I'm sorry your friend feels this way.
Click to expand...

Well, I TOTALLY disagree with her thoughts about this. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and her hair enhances her beauty. I hate to say this, but when she told me the style she wants to get, I figured she would just sort of "blend in" with so many other ladies.

I can appreciate her look, and it makes her so striking. I mean really, she could be a Supermodel!! I think one parent is from some part of Africa so she has these amazing cheekbones, doe eyes, and perfect lips.

I totally disagree with her decision, but unfortunately she has her mind made up. Now she's trying to figure out how to budget $100 a pop for salon services with the relaxed hair (she's already found a salon and had a consultation). I even offered to do her hair myself FOR FREE, because I would not let it get bone straight. I'm just afraid that what she's looking for, she won't find in a box, and there are soooooooooo many guys that would love her to death, exactly as she is now.

I hope I can get thru to her, but I think it's too late. I'll talk it over with her over coffee if we don't get snowed in this weekend.
 
Thanks for the responses.

Megon, you make a good point about society's views. I'll admit, the week old bun would not make for a good first date in some cases, but this girl's hair is far from anything like that! I was trying to think of someone that she reminds me of, and the only person who comes to mind is Shari Bellafonte. Remember when her hair was cropped and natural? She's striking like that. Who knows, maybe long, relaxed hair will enhance, but at the end of the day it's up to her. I just hope she's happy in the end.

Sassygirl, you are too funny!! :lol:

Jetcitygirl, we talked about marriage views as well, and I'll admit, they are very different than mine, but to each his own. I just want her to meet a great guy and be happy :).

Isis, I know I'm on the outside looking in, but your point is exactly how I feel. Seeing what I see, so many guys would be attracted to her as-is. She's got a beautiful spirit to match her looks. We'll see what happens I guess.

Thanks everyone!
 
Oh- I forgot to mention. She attracts a lot of white guys, which she says is fine for dating, but I just remembered something...

She said that professional, corporate Black men (which fit her marriage profile) do not go for her current look. I still think it's a generalization, but she feels pretty strongly about it.
 
Of course not all black corporate men are adverse to a woman with natural hair, but really a lot of black men, corporate and otherwise are not into natural hair that is not "curly" like Cree Summer at the least.

SG, didn't you even say you asked your FI what he would think if you went natural and he said he preferred your hair long and straight? Unfortunately society has said that black natural hair is not as attractive as straight hair and black men *and women* have bought this.

So, although NO I don't think she should change her hair texture to meet men; I can see where she's coming from. When I was natural there were black men that liked it a lot, but I can honestly say out in places like the club my longer relaxed hair that I had in the past went over better. (not that the club is where she's trying to go to meet her hubby)

I believe she want's her Bill Huxtable and feels like she has to look like Claire.

SouthernGirl said:
Oh- I forgot to mention. She attracts a lot of white guys, which she says is fine for dating, but I just remembered something...

She said that professional, corporate Black men (which fit her marriage profile) do not go for her current look. I still think it's a generalization, but she feels pretty strongly about it.
Click to expand...
 
ms_kenesha said:
Of course not all black corporate men are adverse to a woman with natural hair, but really a lot of black men, corporate and otherwise are not into natural hair that is not "curly" like Cree Summer at the least.

SG, didn't you even say you asked your FI what he would think if you went natural and he said he preferred your hair long and straight? Unfortunately society has said that black natural hair is not as attractive as straight hair and black men *and women* have bought this.

So, although NO I don't think she should change her hair texture to meet men; I can see where she's coming from. When I was natural there were black men that liked it a lot, but I can honestly say out in places like the club my longer relaxed hair that I had in the past went over better. (not that the club is where she's trying to go to meet her hubby)

I believe she want's her Bill Huxtable and feels like she has to look like Claire.
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:up: Exactly what she said.
 
I don't know...I bought a phony pony that resembles a natural afro puff and I can honestly say I'm getting way more compliments from men & women...some have even suggested that I get a twa!

SouthernGirl, if your friend is really ready to find her Mr. Right has she tried a dating service like BlackPlanet or Match? She may be surprised at how many diverse men would be feeling her just from looking at her photo. And usually on those websites/services they hook you up with those who match the qualities that you're looking for; she could select "no bohemians" or something and that'll help weed out the so-called winners from the losers...

I agree with what another poster said about having deeper image issues; something probably happened in her life to break her esteem like that. She sounds really pretty I have a couple of close friends from Africa and I could stare at their smooth-skinned, cherub-looking face with perfect cheekbones all day long!
 
ms_kenesha said:
Of course not all black corporate men are adverse to a woman with natural hair, but really a lot of black men, corporate and otherwise are not into natural hair that is not "curly" like Cree Summer at the least.

SG, didn't you even say you asked your FI what he would think if you went natural and he said he preferred your hair long and straight? Unfortunately society has said that black natural hair is not as attractive as straight hair and black men *and women* have bought this.

So, although NO I don't think she should change her hair texture to meet men; I can see where she's coming from. When I was natural there were black men that liked it a lot, but I can honestly say out in places like the club my longer relaxed hair that I had in the past went over better. (not that the club is where she's trying to go to meet her hubby)

I believe she want's her Bill Huxtable and feels like she has to look like Claire.
Click to expand...

Hey MsK,

I was hoping you'd weigh in :), and I do agree about societal influences.

And yes, I did mention to her what my Fiance said about my hair being straight. I'm actually considering transitioning, but I like the way my hair looks when it's straight. I'd be one of those press-n-curl gals for the most part so I can have the same look. I'm just tired of having to do the chemical process all the time. When I asked him if he would mind if I had the same look for the most part, without relaxing it, he was fine, so pressing would be an option.

Now, as for my girlfriend, I told her that if she wants to have the same look, grow it out and press it if she wants it straight, but I just didn't want her to make a commitment to relaxing her hair and run the risk of hating it. That way, she'd have the flexibility of keeping her natural hair that she loves so much, or pressing it out. I have girlfiriends in LA that are natural but they get their hair pressed and you would think it was relaxer because it's sooooo straight!

She's been natural all her life and loves it. I'd feel differently if she just woke up one morning and wanted to relax because she thought it would be easier or whatever her reasons may be, but to do it to attract a husband just didn't seem right to me. Deep down inside, she's against it and doesn't even want to make the financial commitment to keeping it up. But, at her age (which is not old) she feels like she has to. What if she does all that, hates the look, AND doesn't get the guy???

We all have reasons for making the choices regarding our hair that we do. I think it's great to wear the styles that our SOs love. If he met you and approached you with your hair one way, then that's a good sign he likes the look and that's great! I'd venture to say that when most of us met our SOs we were out with our hair exactly the way we wanted it to be that day. But to make a commitment of relaxing your hair and doing the opposite of what you love about your hair to see if you'll attract the guy you want just seems strange to me. I think the right guy will appreciate you for everything you bring to the table.
SG
 
SouthernGirl (By the way, you're hair is the BOMB!!!!)

You should tell your friend that she is beautiful no matter what kind of style she is rockin, but that she should do what she feels best in. You don't want her to go back to the relaxer, regret it, then try to put some blame on you (not that she would, and hopefully she wont). Any guy that lkes her only for her style of hair is a bumb anyway! The right guy will come along, and will HELP her create new styles relaxed or natural. That's my kinda man!
 
Hey Blessed1,

I think there may be some deeper issues, but I didn't want to go there. It was a very light conversation over dinner, so I didn't want to get too deep.

I do think that when I use the term natural, I should probably say non-relaxed. If she came to me and said, "I think I want to have my hair straightened to see if I would attract my husband because I'm not meeting him with my hair like this," I would tell her how beautiful she is and that I don't think she should change, which is what I did.

Having said that, I can appreciate changing your look to feel prettier and be more attractive to others. So if it's straight hair that you believe will get you there, then go for it! There are a zillion ways to get there before making a permanent commitment though. She could try a weave or a wig first and go out and see if she would get more attention. She could also grow her hair out and then try pressing it out (which is what I suggest) to see if she gets more attention that way. My issue is not with her "straightening" her afro, it's making a change that she's already expressed she does not want to make (relaxing), just to find a husband.

I just want her to find a few not so permanent options first to see if she would even like the look:)
 
nesha24 said:
SouthernGirl (By the way, you're hair is the BOMB!!!!)

You should tell your friend that she is beautiful no matter what kind of style she is rockin, but that she should do what she feels best in. You don't want her to go back to the relaxer, regret it, then try to put some blame on you (not that she would, and hopefully she wont). Any guy that lkes her only for her style of hair is a bumb anyway! The right guy will come along, and will HELP her create new styles relaxed or natural. That's my kinda man!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the compliment Nesha :kiss:

I agree. I know she doesn't want to do it, but she feels like she has to to catch a guy, and that upsets me because she's FIERCE!!!!

I know the solution to this... I'm just going to introduce her to some friends/colleagues which might help her see my point. Maybe it's just a confidence boost that would do the trick, although she's very confident already.
 
Now how stupid would us ladies look telling some guy he should go get an S-curl if he planned to be with us?? I bet that would go over like a fart in church---puhleezeee what is wrong with these men AND some of these women for even entertaining these fools???
 
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jainygirl said:
Now how stupid would us ladies looking telling some guy he should go get an S-curl if he planned to be with us?? I bet that would go over like a fart in church---puhleezeee what is wrong with these men AND some of these women for even entertaining these fools???
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Hey Jainy,

That's very true. Which brings me to the other topic of conversation last night. We talked about how guys always want their women to be a perfect and universally attractive 10, but we are VERY forgiving when our men are not.

As you can see, I had a very interesting evening!!

By the way, I know someone who did that in church :lol:
 
SouthernGirl said:
Hey Jainy,

That's very true. Which brings me to the other topic of conversation last night. We talked about how guys always want their women to be a perfect and universally attractive 10, but we are VERY forgiving when our men are not.

As you can see, I had a very interesting evening!!

By the way, I know someone who did that in church :lol:
Click to expand...

That's the problem in this society. IMO, we are WAY TOO forgiving when it comes to men's looks compared to how they feel about women.
This might be a great off topic discussion thread! :)
 
Isis said:
That's the problem in this society. IMO, we are WAY TOO forgiving when it comes to men's looks compared to how they feel about women.
This might be a great off topic discussion thread! :)
Click to expand...

Isis,

It's funny, but when I made that last post, I started thinking it just might get moved :)

I need to spend more time over in the off-topic thread anyway. I'm heading over!!

SG
 
Sorry: Did not mean to separate the post. Please do not be offended or take this to mean that I am against natural hair, since I am a natural one and think my hair is beautiful... But this is about GETTING A HUSBAND!
1. If a woman is looking for a husband, I notice that they are very vocal and feel it their woman given right to declare that he has to meet her qualifications. This covers the gauntlet of height, coloring, size (in all areas!); education, job, car, earning potential, what he is bringing to the table and he has to look good to HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS...yes they have to be impressed....no one wants to walk in with a less than a Mr. Right at their side...as if to say...look what I was able to bag. And I might add, not too many women would be content to walk in with a guy who had natural hair that was just all out their in a huge afro, or in braids, or locks or free style form...because they know that grandmamma would have something to say...""Cain't he do something about that head?" (You ladies know how our peeps are.....and Daddy...now Daddy would be like ..."man...you need to get a haircut!....come on, now you know I am telling the truth....and if you take him to your office party...you know you want to take a GQ man! A Denzel...a Wesley Snipes...and not Don King!
So why is it so unreasonable that the men cannot state their preference? We talk about being Queens. Maybe men like to feel like a King! And maybe they have clear ideas and fantasies about how their Queen and the mother of their children and their mate that they will be taking home and to the office party is going to look. And maybe the idea of "liberated...kinky, thick...all out there...braided, weaved, nubian knots and all are not a part of the reality he wants to embrace...and does he not have that right?
3. His Daddy and Granddaddy wanted the women to press their hair to look "presentable" and Grandmamma and Mamma did! And I must remind us that "Men did not start us relaxing our hair with chemicals! We did it to "make it manageable and to look presentable and because that is what we chose to do". So now we want to lump this on the men like they have betrayed us!
Yes we have rights...so do the men....we make choices and so can they...they just may decide not to choose you and that is reality. Maybe the guys who will choose a natural woman, with her badge of pride...her newly discovered hair texture...would not be your first choice as a husband, a provider or the father of your children...and the real truth is, you cannot always have your cake and eat it too...have it both ways...so if you think the men are just going to have to "settle" so might you just have to "settle".
4. I feel for any woman that turns it into a my way or the highway thing with anyman over her "hair". If you know that it is damaging to your scalp and health...then accept that you will have limited choices when it comes to a marriage partner. You cannot enforce your choices on someelse either. Obviously men who prefer relaxed hair have already made their choice...and I do not have a problem with their right to make the decision. It doesn't change how I feel about my natural hair either. Hope this helps.
 
SouthernGirl said:
Hey Blessed1,

I think there may be some deeper issues, but I didn't want to go there. It was a very light conversation over dinner, so I didn't want to get too deep.

I do think that when I use the term natural, I should probably say non-relaxed. If she came to me and said, "I think I want to have my hair straightened to see if I would attract my husband because I'm not meeting him with my hair like this," I would tell her how beautiful she is and that I don't think she should change, which is what I did.

Having said that, I can appreciate changing your look to feel prettier and be more attractive to others. So if it's straight hair that you believe will get you there, then go for it! There are a zillion ways to get there before making a permanent commitment though. She could try a weave or a wig first and go out and see if she would get more attention. She could also grow her hair out and then try pressing it out (which is what I suggest) to see if she gets more attention that way. My issue is not with her "straightening" her afro, it's making a change that she's already expressed she does not want to make (relaxing), just to find a husband.

I just want her to find a few not so permanent options first to see if she would even like the look:)
Click to expand...

I think you're a great friend for trying to help her see her inner as well as outer beauty.

You receive what you project, so if she focuses to much on hair and other outward things she may attract someone who is only looking at those things at the expense of seeing the person she is inside. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to look beautiful, but if you start trying to change to much for someone, they won't be able to see and love the person inside as much.

There are also 'corporate types' with dreads and other non traditional styles that would probably be perfect for her too.
 
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