Should you Change the Texture of Your Hair to Meet Your Husband?

[ms_kenesha]

Hey SG,

Okay, if the issue is about her making an unalterable decision to her hair versus making her straight via heat. Then it takes on a little different spin. I like you would tell her to try pressing her hair for a while and see what kind of reactions she gets from men. And if she is really totally opposed to chemically straightening her hair this might be a good decision for her. But, even with just pressing her hair she runs the risk of ruining her natural hair texture and eventually having "heat-laxed" hair all over or just in some areas.

I think that your idea of introducing her to men that are what she likes (corporate) and are into what she is (natural) is a GREAT one! Tell her to hold her horses the perm will still be there. Dana (from this board) wouldn't tell me where I should go to get a relaxer until I thought about it & I thank her for being a great friend and making me wait and think a little longer, although I'd been thinking about it for a couple of weeks before I told her about my decision. You are being a great friend by trying to get her to see the beauty inside and by trying to introduce her to men who would like her style. But, she must be very frustrated to have been natural ALL HER LIFE to now want to do something as drastic as get a relaxer to meet the type of man that she wants, maybe she does feel like this is her last resort. :ahwell:

Hey MsK,

I was hoping you'd weigh in , and I do agree about societal influences.

 

[HollyGolightly]

And I might add, not too many women would be content to walk in with a guy who had natural hair that was just all out their in a huge afro, or in braids, or locks or free style form...because they know that grandmamma would have something to say

come on, now you know I am telling the truth....and if you take him to your office party...you know you want to take a GQ man! A Denzel...a Wesley Snipes...and not Don King!

actually, i prefer guys with natural hair. that bohemian look is a lot more attractive to me. why do you associate men with natural hair with don king and not denzel? i think that that is a very negative perception of black hair.

 

[Tracy]

Well - at the risk of oversimplifying the issue (and forgive me if you already talked about it because I read most, but not all, of the thread).... I can understand where your friend is coming from. Some people want to lose or gain weight because they think it negatively impacts how they present to the opposite sex. Some change their breasts, their nose, their wardrobe, their educational status and more...

So I don't know that her realtionship wouldn't last. Changing her hair wouldn't change her inside...and that's what makes the relationship last. I think if this were a weight issue, or an education issue and a woman wanted to make those kinds of changes, we wouldn't mind as much...I think blk women are just sensitive about hair.

But anyway....

I think, unfortunately, as MsK noted, she may be right in feeling that blk men that are on the "corporate fast track" probably prefer a certain look and it includes long straight hair. But I think too, MANY women can wear their hair natural and LONG and get a totally different reaction from men simply because their hair is longer...

I also know that for some blk men their aversion to natural hair really is a character flaw having to do with assimilation and all that stuff...but I think we don't really have to go there just yet. I think blk men prefer LONG hair first and foremost - and I think some of the reaction that black men have to black women with naturals comes from an association natural hair equaling SHORT hair. I think if she GREW her hair longer, she may find she gets a different response from men across the board.

I agree that she shouldn't have to change who she is to find the man she wants, but to the extent that she maybe wants to appear more feminine (not that you can't be fem with short hair, but many more "traditional" men just don't see it that way as easily is all) and attract a BROADER range of men - of whatever "persuasion", boho or corp - growing her hair may be all she needs to do to feel like she's more desirable.

I agree with Meg tho - wanting to change your appearance to be more attractive to the opposite sex is nothing new. And it doesn't have to besome freudian freak just because the change SHE wants to make is from natural to relaxed. I just think that if she hasn't relaxed this long, then it probably really isn't HER, she should find ways to be an EXTENSION or an ENHANCEMENT of who she really IS rather than someone completely different....

 

[AllMine]

. You cannot enforce your choices on someelse either. .

What she and meg said


ETA: Piggy backing on what Mah said, if that is her choice, is it just possible to just support her without analyzing and disecting every little aspect of it, based on what you feel?

 

[Champagne_Wishes]

I wonder how long that relationship would last when her husband to be finds out the real her...

 

[Tracy]

Well - at the risk of oversimplifying the issue (and forgive me if you already talked about it because I read most, but not all, of the thread).... I can understand where your friend is coming from. Some people want to lose or gain weight because they think it negatively impacts how they present to the opposite sex. Some change their breasts, their nose, their wardrobe, their educational status and more...

So I don't know that her realtionship wouldn't last. Changing her hair wouldn't change her inside...and that's what makes the relationship last. I think if this were a weight issue, or an education issue and a woman wanted to make those kinds of changes, we wouldn't mind as much...I think blk women are just sensitive about hair.

But anyway....

I think, unfortunately, as MsK noted, she may be right in feeling that blk men that are on the "corporate fast track" probably prefer a certain look and it includes long straight hair. But I think too, MANY women can wear their hair natural and LONG and get a totally different reaction from men simply because their hair is longer...

I also know that for some blk men their aversion to natural hair really is a character flaw having to do with assimilation and all that stuff...but I think we don't really have to go there just yet. I think blk men prefer LONG hair first and foremost - and I think some of the reaction that black men have to black women with naturals comes from an association natural hair equaling SHORT hair. I think if she GREW her hair longer, she may find she gets a different response from men across the board.

I agree that she shouldn't have to change who she is to find the man she wants, but to the extent that she maybe wants to appear more feminine (not that you can't be fem with short hair, but many more "traditional" men just don't see it that way as easily is all) and attract a BROADER range of men - of whatever "persuasion", boho or corp - growing her hair may be all she needs to do to feel like she's more desirable.

I agree with Meg tho - wanting to change your appearance to be more attractive to the opposite sex is nothing new. And it doesn't have to besome freudian freak just because the change SHE wants to make is from natural to relaxed. I just think that if she hasn't relaxed this long, then it probably really isn't HER, she should find ways to be an EXTENSION or an ENHANCEMENT of who she really IS rather than someone completely different....

I think you should tell her to grow it, rather than perm it, and see what happens - because even longer natural hair would be closer to who she really is, than relaxed hair would be. After all, she can always perm it......

 

[secretdiamond]

Sorry: Did not mean to separate the post. Please do not be offended or take this to mean that I am against natural hair, since I am a natural one and think my hair is beautiful... But this is about GETTING A HUSBAND!
1. If a woman is looking for a husband, I notice that they are very vocal and feel it their woman given right to declare that he has to meet her qualifications. This covers the gauntlet of height, coloring, size (in all areas!); education, job, car, earning potential, what he is bringing to the table and he has to look good to HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS...yes they have to be impressed....no one wants to walk in with a less than a Mr. Right at their side...as if to say...look what I was able to bag. And I might add, not too many women would be content to walk in with a guy who had natural hair that was just all out their in a huge afro, or in braids, or locks or free style form...because they know that grandmamma would have something to say...""Cain't he do something about that head?" (You ladies know how our peeps are.....and Daddy...now Daddy would be like ..."man...you need to get a haircut!....come on, now you know I am telling the truth....and if you take him to your office party...you know you want to take a GQ man! A Denzel...a Wesley Snipes...and not Don King!
So why is it so unreasonable that the men cannot state their preference? We talk about being Queens. Maybe men like to feel like a King! And maybe they have clear ideas and fantasies about how their Queen and the mother of their children and their mate that they will be taking home and to the office party is going to look. And maybe the idea of "liberated...kinky, thick...all out there...braided, weaved, nubian knots and all are not a part of the reality he wants to embrace...and does he not have that right?
3. His Daddy and Granddaddy wanted the women to press their hair to look "presentable" and Grandmamma and Mamma did! And I must remind us that "Men did not start us relaxing our hair with chemicals! We did it to "make it manageable and to look presentable and because that is what we chose to do". So now we want to lump this on the men like they have betrayed us!
Yes we have rights...so do the men....we make choices and so can they...they just may decide not to choose you and that is reality. Maybe the guys who will choose a natural woman, with her badge of pride...her newly discovered hair texture...would not be your first choice as a husband, a provider or the father of your children...and the real truth is, you cannot always have your cake and eat it too...have it both ways...so if you think the men are just going to have to "settle" so might you just have to "settle".
4. I feel for any woman that turns it into a my way or the highway thing with anyman over her "hair". If you know that it is damaging to your scalp and health...then accept that you will have limited choices when it comes to a marriage partner. You cannot enforce your choices on someelse either. Obviously men who prefer relaxed hair have already made their choice...and I do not have a problem with their right to make the decision. It doesn't change how I feel about my natural hair either. Hope this helps.

All I have to say to that post is WOW. As I started reading this thread, I was thinking that men in this society are ALL wrong and don't embrace our natural beauty and they are just superficial jerks and we shouldn't have to conform to them. I myself say the same exact thing to my BF's. But while reading your post, I found myself saying "mm hmm" out loud after every sentence. Your argument was stated so eloquently and offered very valid points that I had forgotten to consider. Yeah, we did make the choice to start relaxing our hair! (another excellent point) You made me see their side in a more objective way. You are so right in what you said.

Now I'm not saying that SG's friend should go and relax her hair and deny her identity at all, but Mahali is right in saying that they are not really betraying us and we can't blame them for having certain standards for their women/wives as we do for them ALL THE TIME.

I know for a fact that I DO NOT want a man with braids and long dreads as my HUSBAND. I want a clean cut, GQ, educated man who my family will be proud to see me with b/c I also know that my family will not accept anything else. (Not that a man who has braids and dreads can't be GQ or educated)

I am so glad I read that post b/c it made me see things in a whole new light- you have enlighted my mind in a way. Yeah, everyone should be open to things with open minds and not discriminate, but we can't blame ppl for having certain preferences and standards that they feel suit them best.

 

[aqualung]

MsK's suggestion to hot comb or hard press the natural hair straight is a great idea! That way the woman gets to observe reactions to her new look without the commitment of a chemical relaxer.

Relaxed straight hair on black women is still considered more conservative and professional looking in the 1st world. A corporate guy who wants a woman who can accompany him to company events will choose someone whose look matches his own.

My girlfriends stressed this when I was considering the switch from having latchook braids and all natural hair to relaxed hair. (There were also wardrobe and makeup changes, but that's a different thread altogether.)

That said, some of the most upwardly mobile young black men *that I know personally* can't get enough of bi-racial and white girls. Let's not expect too much from a tub of relaxer.

 

[mrslee]

Sorry: Did not mean to separate the post. Please do not be offended or take this to mean that I am against natural hair, since I am a natural one and think my hair is beautiful... But this is about GETTING A HUSBAND!
1. If a woman is looking for a husband, I notice that they are very vocal and feel it their woman given right to declare that he has to meet her qualifications. This covers the gauntlet of height, coloring, size (in all areas!); education, job, car, earning potential, what he is bringing to the table and he has to look good to HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS...yes they have to be impressed....no one wants to walk in with a less than a Mr. Right at their side...as if to say...look what I was able to bag. And I might add, not too many women would be content to walk in with a guy who had natural hair that was just all out their in a huge afro, or in braids, or locks or free style form...because they know that grandmamma would have something to say...""Cain't he do something about that head?" (You ladies know how our peeps are.....and Daddy...now Daddy would be like ..."man...you need to get a haircut!....come on, now you know I am telling the truth....and if you take him to your office party...you know you want to take a GQ man! A Denzel...a Wesley Snipes...and not Don King!
So why is it so unreasonable that the men cannot state their preference? We talk about being Queens. Maybe men like to feel like a King! And maybe they have clear ideas and fantasies about how their Queen and the mother of their children and their mate that they will be taking home and to the office party is going to look. And maybe the idea of "liberated...kinky, thick...all out there...braided, weaved, nubian knots and all are not a part of the reality he wants to embrace...and does he not have that right?
3. His Daddy and Granddaddy wanted the women to press their hair to look "presentable" and Grandmamma and Mamma did! And I must remind us that "Men did not start us relaxing our hair with chemicals! We did it to "make it manageable and to look presentable and because that is what we chose to do". So now we want to lump this on the men like they have betrayed us!
Yes we have rights...so do the men....we make choices and so can they...they just may decide not to choose you and that is reality. Maybe the guys who will choose a natural woman, with her badge of pride...her newly discovered hair texture...would not be your first choice as a husband, a provider or the father of your children...and the real truth is, you cannot always have your cake and eat it too...have it both ways...so if you think the men are just going to have to "settle" so might you just have to "settle".
4. I feel for any woman that turns it into a my way or the highway thing with anyman over her "hair". If you know that it is damaging to your scalp and health...then accept that you will have limited choices when it comes to a marriage partner. You cannot enforce your choices on someelse either. Obviously men who prefer relaxed hair have already made their choice...and I do not have a problem with their right to make the decision. It doesn't change how I feel about my natural hair either. Hope this helps.

Let the CHURCH say AMEN!!! Preach!!

Seriously, you did make some excellent points! Great post!

 

[AllMine]

I am a friend, and I do want to respond to her one-on-one, but I'd like to get some suggestions of how best to respond to this.

Then Simply Support her decision

She didn't ask for my advice,

Then why are you offering it

I totally disagree with her decision, but unfortunately she has her mind made up.

Unfortunately based on your choices and opinions?

I hope I can get thru to her, but I think it's too late.

I still have not seen the desperate cry for help from your friend....okay, lemme open my mind for just a second and pretend that there is in fact an underlying cry for help, guess what, if she doesn't admit it or even realize it, then all your "help" would be in vain, afterall isn't that the first step to recovery? admitting you have a problem?

I know the solution to this...

While your intentions are commendable, SG, it's really not that deep, also I couldn't help but notice your avartar, "IMAGE IS EVERYTHING" if your friend feels the need to change her image to attract the one...even though you don't agree with it, just support her. Also if she doesn't get her expected results from her image change, she can always go back to being non relaxed, it's really not the end of the word, it's hair...(excuse me if I've said that before.)

okay I'm adding the smiley gremlin so this doesn't look too harsh

 

[Bunny77]

I understand SouthernGirl's concern. To me, this issue is beyond hair. What if she said she needed to put in green contacts to get the type of man she wants? Or lighten her skin? Why should she have to change a part of herself that ain't broke to begin with, so to speak?

If this was my friend, her statement would bug me too because it seems like she's buying into some "idea" that may or may not be true about what it takes to get the type of man she wants.

Now, if she goes ahead and relaxes, that's her decision. I'm not saying that SouthernGirl has to talk her out of this. But if this is her friend, then why shouldn't she give her opinion? Sometimes people tell us things that we may not want to hear, but that we need to hear nonetheless.

 

[Bunny77]

Sorry: Did not mean to separate the post. Please do not be offended or take this to mean that I am against natural hair, since I am a natural one and think my hair is beautiful... But this is about GETTING A HUSBAND!
1. If a woman is looking for a husband, I notice that they are very vocal and feel it their woman given right to declare that he has to meet her qualifications. This covers the gauntlet of height, coloring, size (in all areas!); education, job, car, earning potential, what he is bringing to the table and he has to look good to HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS...yes they have to be impressed....no one wants to walk in with a less than a Mr. Right at their side...as if to say...look what I was able to bag. And I might add, not too many women would be content to walk in with a guy who had natural hair that was just all out their in a huge afro, or in braids, or locks or free style form...because they know that grandmamma would have something to say...""Cain't he do something about that head?" (You ladies know how our peeps are.....and Daddy...now Daddy would be like ..."man...you need to get a haircut!....come on, now you know I am telling the truth....and if you take him to your office party...you know you want to take a GQ man! A Denzel...a Wesley Snipes...and not Don King!
So why is it so unreasonable that the men cannot state their preference? We talk about being Queens. Maybe men like to feel like a King! And maybe they have clear ideas and fantasies about how their Queen and the mother of their children and their mate that they will be taking home and to the office party is going to look. And maybe the idea of "liberated...kinky, thick...all out there...braided, weaved, nubian knots and all are not a part of the reality he wants to embrace...and does he not have that right?

Ok, I have one problem with this quote. Here's the thing... Denzel, Wesley and Don King are all still natural (unless they have some kind of texturizer we don't know about). Don King's hair is just not well groomed, while Denzel's and Wesley's is. Denzel and Wesley have not altered their hair to make it "presentable" besides cutting it to a certain length, putting some grease on it and brushing it a little.

I don't think you can compare a well-groomed woman who happens to have a natural TWA to wild and crazy Don King. Having natural hair doesn't have to mean it's wild/crazy/Nubian/liberated/out there... and if someone has that idea, then perhaps he has deeper issues going on.

Now I know some men automatically consider a natural-haired woman as unpresentable, no matter what style she wears. If that's what you're getting at, then I understand what you're saying. And you're right... men do have the right to have a preference, just as we women do.

I just have a problem when any woman feels she must alter herself to fit some "image" (that ain't all that anyway), when men don't have to do nearly as drastic a change to fit a woman's preference. (And they don't have to spend $$$$ and hours at a salon to make that change happen either.)

 

[model_chick717]

I hate to say it, but a lot of black men don't want a sister with natural hair unless her hair is like that of Chilli, Tracy Ellis Ross, Mya, etc. In my profession, which is ultra conservative, I do believe you can be natural, but you have to be very careful about how you wear your hair.

I think this goes both ways, because I know a lot of women who wouldn't date a brother with twists, cornrows, or dreads.

Very true--it's not fair, but it's reality. She obviously knows what kind of guy she wants, and she knows what kind of look these types of men are looking for....so I can see why she thinks the way that she does. Secondly--she's doing this to ATTRACT the type of man she wants to marry. Once she attracts him, then of course the normal progression of the relationship will start--so I don't take her doing that as meaning the dude will only be marrying for her hair, appearance, etc. You can't marry what you don't attract first. Anyway, I don't necessarily condone her relaxing her hair for that sole purpose OWNLY--but to each is own. Plus, who's really smarter in this world--people who do the "right" thing or people who get what they want?...:scratchch

 

[Boadicea]

Wouldn't the "ideal man" not care?

 

[SouthernGirl]

Then Simply Support her decision



Then why are you offering it



Unfortunately based on your choices and opinions?



I still have not seen the desperate cry for help from your friend....okay, lemme open my mind for just a second and pretend that there is in fact an underlying cry for help, guess what, if she doesn't admit it or even realize it, then all your "help" would be in vain, afterall isn't that the first step to recovery? admitting you have a problem?



While your intentions are commendable, SG, it's really not that deep, also I couldn't help but notice your avartar, "IMAGE IS EVERYTHING" if your friend feels the need to change her image to attract the one...even though you don't agree with it, just support her. Also if she doesn't get her expected results from her image change, she can always go back to being non relaxed, it's really not the end of the word, it's hair...(excuse me if I've said that before.)

okay I'm adding the smiley gremlin so this doesn't look too harsh

AllMine,

I can appreciate your responses to my earlier comments. And yes, I do believe that image is everything, but it's about projecting the inner you and being true to yourself (that's far too much to put in the tag).

This is my point exactly regarding my friend. My support for her goes without saying, otherwise we would not be friends. Actually, I haven't offered opinions yet, which is why I started this thread to get the feedback of many of you.

It's no surprise that you have not seen the desperate cry for help because you've not sat in on the numerous conversations that I've had with her. The problem is that she is about to do something that she does not want to do, in an effort to meet her soulmate. My purpose is to give a different perspective and provide options so that she can be armed with enough information to make an informed decision.

The fact that my perspective doesn't mirror someone else's does not make me right and them wrong. This is about OPTIONS!!

 

[bajanplums1]

The problem I see is that her ideal man may not love the true her. Wouldn't it be better with a man who lets her be who she wants to be. If she relaxes her hair it should be because she is ready for that move for herself. A man who wants straight hair may also want a size 2-4 woman. But not everyone can be a 2-4 does this mean you starve yourself to fit the mold? A lot of man like big breasts, I don't have those, should I get implants to attract such a man. Come on!

 

[SouthernGirl]

Thank you all for you candor regarding this subject. I'm welcome to additional thoughts, but it's interesting to see the myriad of responses and opinions.

I agree with many of the comments made, while I disagree with some. Individuality is what makes us special, and I like looking at things from a different angle.

There are bits and pieces that I will offer my friend when the topic comes up again, and I'll let you know what she decides to do. As I've maintained, it's about options, and I like many of the ones that were presented. Someone mentioned suggesting that she grow her hair out and then opt for a press and curl if she wants the straight look, which I completely concur with.

This thread has inspired me to bring up as a topic of discussion during my monthly discussion group. I'd be interested to hear what other women, and the men in our group have to say.

Regards,

SG

 

[SouthernGirl]

Another thought...

At the end of the day, it is TOTALLY her decision, but I'll tell you what. Had I known about this site back in the day OR had a friend who told me that there were options for creating the styles I wear without the commitment of a chemical process, I would have appreciated them for helping me think outside of the box. Lack of information sometimes leads to poor decisions.

Life is about choices, but you need to be armed with enough amo to make the right decision. Having said that, I know that this topic is not life-threatening or that serious to some, but because I know that there are issues that go deeper than just "to relax or not to relax," I'm passionate about it. If it were only about the hair, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I shared this topic with my SO and another guy friend for their input. They are two "Corporate" successful Black men and they both said the same thing. "If she alters her hair in a way that SHE DOES NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH TO BEGIN WITH, she might either run the risk of either attracting the wrong guy, or no one at all. In the end, at least she was true to herlself and can be happy with that." I agree that her options may open up to a whole new crop of men, and maybe it's just a numbers game.

 

[mrslee]

Another thought...

At the end of the day, it is TOTALLY her decision, but I'll tell you what. Had I known about this site back in the day OR had a friend who told me that there were options for creating the styles I wear without the commitment of a chemical process, I would have appreciated them for helping me think outside of the box. Lack of information sometimes leads to poor decisions.

Life is about choices, but you need to be armed with enough amo to make the right decision. Having said that, I know that this topic is not life-threatening or that serious to some, but because I know that there are issues that go deeper than just "to relax or not to relax," I'm passionate about it. If it were only about the hair, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I shared this topic with my SO and another guy friend for their input. They are two "Corporate" successful Black men and they both said the same thing. "If she alters her hair in a way that SHE DOES NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH TO BEGIN WITH, she might either run the risk of either attracting the wrong guy, or no one at all. In the end, at least she was true to herlself and can be happy with that." I agree that her options may open up to a whole new crop of men, and maybe it's just a numbers game.

In the end it should be about what SHE is comfortable with and no one else. Whose to say she will be with this man forever, then she is stuck in a image that isnt what she really wanted. I say please yourself and love yourself first.

 

[Poohbear]

If a woman wants to attract a certain type of man (with the hopes of marriage/family), should she change her hair to fit the sterotypical image of beauty that those men may have, or should she simply wear the style she feels best suits her until the right guy comes along?

She shouldn't change her hair in hoping for attracting a certain type of man. I'm sure there are corporate guys that would like a natural hair woman. She could press her hair straight. I think she should do what she wants more than anything, not to fit some worldly image of beauty!

 

[Daughter]

I haven't read through the whole thread yet so please forgive me if I'm echoing other posters!

Though my fiance does like straight hair, I met him as I am, nappy. There was no question that I simply could not consider changing the texture of my hair to "entice someone" to marry me, it does not make sense at all:

1. You are not being who you want to be so he's buying in to a false image of you

2. Wouldn't he be disappointed if you changed once you "got" him?

3. Would he make such a drastic change physically to attract YOU?

4. If a man won't look your way because of your hair texture HE AIN'T FOR YOU!

As I said, my fiance does like straight hair and prefers when I wear my twists down; with many men it seems that if the hair is long the texture doesn't seem to matter so much. They are strange creatures I tell ya!

 

[Isis]

I haven't read through the whole thread yet so please forgive me if I'm echoing other posters!

Though my fiance does like straight hair, I met him as I am, nappy. There was no question that I simply could not consider changing the texture of my hair to "entice someone" to marry me, it does not make sense at all:

1. You are not being who you want to be so he's buying in to a false image of you

2. Wouldn't he be disappointed if you changed once you "got" him?

3. Would he make such a drastic change physically to attract YOU?

4. If a man won't look your way because of your hair texture HE AIN'T FOR YOU!

As I said, my fiance does like straight hair and prefers when I wear my twists down; with many men it seems that if the hair is long the texture doesn't seem to matter so much. They are strange creatures I tell ya!

I totally agree with everything you said!

 

[Daughter]

Why should she have to change her hair to get a man? Her future husband should fall in love with her for her.. not because her hair is relaxed..

Exactly!!!

 

[Daughter]

Now how stupid would us ladies look telling some guy he should go get an S-curl if he planned to be with us?? I bet that would go over like a fart in church---puhleezeee what is wrong with these men AND some of these women for even entertaining these fools???

Ya know?! It simply would not happen! Mind you, an ex of mine CUT OFF his s curl when I went natural... maybe I'm an influential person

 

[Daughter]

Change your hair texture to snag a husband?! Bollocks!

I'm not sure what that means, but it seems to fit...

Hi Sassygirl! Please allow a London systah to translate... *whispering* bollocks = testicles

 

[Mahalialee4]

Bunny: That is my point exactly! Denzel, Wesley are well groomed and Don King is avante- garde to say the least. What I have personally observed in my own community is that some women are wearing neat afros and beautiful braids and well groomed lockes while others are just "going natural" which to them means, they do not have to groom it. They proudly announce that they are wearing their hair just the way it grows in or up or out, and that combs and brushes are not for black people, just white people and definitely are female Don Kings!!!!and you cannot tell them "nothing about nothing!" My specific point is, to demand that a man has to see you as equally "beautiful and sexy or whatever, "regardless" of the "state of your head or hair" is insulting to anyone's intelligence. I am passionate about the "defensiveness and the social arrogance of some who make it a social stance to "FLAUNT THEIR NATURALNESS IN THE FORM OF poor grooming!. I would feel the same way about a white woman who decided that she would just leave her hair to be plastered against her head, looking unwashed, uncombed or brushed, all tangled up and matted up, and be upset because no man black or white wants to deal with her. I trust you recognize that not all natural hair ladies do this. I do also. Unfortunately some abuse the social senses of black and white, men and women when the biggest claim to "being black and keeping it real" is not recognizing the message they are sending and the feedback silent or open that they are receiving. Attractive is attractive. Some women I think use their rights to shock and annoy and then blame other people because some man is not buying their package. Maybe they need to present it more attractively, and still be natural if they want to be. Also I know some ladies who wear extensions who do not wash their braids for months on end. Just take out the extensions and slap in another set and never bust a shampoo on their head. That leaves stinky hair and no one finds that attractive. Not even the braiders! Slapping a smelly straight weave on top of a head of obviously kinked up hair with a thousand beady bees does nothing for us either. Dried up afros full of dandruff is offensive. And we all know we have seen some jacked up naturals, just as we have seem some jacked up superfried perms and presses looking stiff and not too clean.
I believe that natural beauty should have the aspect of beauty, and how the hair is presented whether natural or relaxed, curled or pressed MATTERS, and can end up being a turn off or a turn on.
The last comment I want to make on this is that if a man meets you and you are a natural and he is digging you and it is not a problem, then he should accept you that way. But, if you are relaxed and flowing till you get that little ring on your finger and pull the old "BAIT AND SWITCH!" Bro might just lose his mind, up in there. lol. Great post ladies. Bonjour

 

[jd_bdfly]

Bunny: That is my point exactly! Denzel, Wesley are well groomed and Don King is avante- garde to say the least.

I'm sorry, but Don King does not equal avant-garde. Don King equals a darn fool!

 

[kizzylonghair]

Can I just go a little deeper !!

Society in general have a standard mode as what is considered Attractive and beautifal. Look at the femailes at the top there game whether it be music or movies.
Beyonce, J Lo, Noami Campell, Aaliyah, etc, etc Beside thier bodies/Voices/talent what do they have in common. Great and the key word VERSATILE hair.(Whether its theirs or not) There are a few excepts to the rule Halle Berry and Jada Pinket but there are so out numbered.

I am not sayin that natural sisters dont get there credit Laryn Hill, Jill Scott etc etc .I dont mean to offend but these sisters are naturals I TALKING NAPPY 4 Type Hair.
Not the Alicia Keys, and Kelis natural.
Its such a shame that these naturals or shorter hair sisters dont get the L'Oreal or Pepsi contracts. Why Not.

Personally I am more likely to admire a natural, who has embraced her hairs natural state. But my hair is relaxed simply because I like it straight and its not relaxed for any other reason.

I live in the England, Where to see a women of color (not mixed Race) with long relaxed hair is like wearing a crown. people will go up to you and comment (Ask if its yours LOL) and wonder why its so long.
Its such a shame that we have not been eduacted to look after our hair for so long.

However you want to wear your lets just keep embracing each other and help each other to get there.!!!!!

Good luck

 

[SouthernGirl]

Well said Daughter ITA!

I haven't read through the whole thread yet so please forgive me if I'm echoing other posters!

Though my fiance does like straight hair, I met him as I am, nappy. There was no question that I simply could not consider changing the texture of my hair to "entice someone" to marry me, it does not make sense at all:

1. You are not being who you want to be so he's buying in to a false image of you

2. Wouldn't he be disappointed if you changed once you "got" him?

3. Would he make such a drastic change physically to attract YOU?

4. If a man won't look your way because of your hair texture HE AIN'T FOR YOU!

As I said, my fiance does like straight hair and prefers when I wear my twists down; with many men it seems that if the hair is long the texture doesn't seem to matter so much. They are strange creatures I tell ya!

 

[SouthernGirl]

I believe that natural beauty should have the aspect of beauty, and how the hair is presented whether natural or relaxed, curled or pressed MATTERS, and can end up being a turn off or a turn on.
The last comment I want to make on this is that if a man meets you and you are a natural and he is digging you and it is not a problem, then he should accept you that way. But, if you are relaxed and flowing till you get that little ring on your finger and pull the old "BAIT AND SWITCH!" Bro might just lose his mind, up in there. lol. Great post ladies. Bonjour

Thanks for all of your input Mahalialee. It's the bait and switch that can really cause problems!! Sometimes guys pull the bait and switch on us, and it is NOT CUTE i.e., stops getting doors or doing other nice things after he gets the girl!