Should I live with my SO before marriage??

[Lexsmarie]

Hey ladies... so I'm a little bit confused and concerned.

I've been with my SO for a year as of yesterday (YAH!) and things are going great! Currently, I have my own place and he has his own place; every night we are staying with each other at one of our places (97% of the time). He mentioned many times in the past that he would not live with a SO prior to marriage because living the marriage life before being married is something he strongly believe should not happen. Well.... he just bought a house and asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in January. I was shocked, excited and concerned all at the same time. I would love to live with him, but why did he change his belief about "living the marriage life"? And if I move it, would this create an even longer time for him to propose?

Also, his parents are doing a lot of work into the house. Based on conversations, it is clear to me that his parents does not know that I am moving in the house with him in the future. His mother is making decisions and taking actions on decorating the house; what room should be what and etc. Which I am cool with but I would also like to decorate and be involved too. I don't understand why he hasn't told his parents about me moving in with him???

Ugh! Just so much on my mind and not sure what to do. He will be the first (and hopefully last) SO I've lived with.

 

[LoveLongLocks]

It seems as if your mind is already made up, but I would not move in. Moral values, respect, trust, and commitment issues can come into play. - if not now, in the future.

 

[DayStar]

So you can contribute to paying his mortgage down ..will you be paying rent?

Dont move in, bad bad bad decision!

 

[spelmanlocks]

I lived with DH prior to marriage but it is not something I recommend. I've seen too many situations where the guy drags his feet on marriage and then because they live together it makes it 10 times harder for the girl to leave. I actually have a friend going through this now. I'd go for the ring first.

 

[hopeful]

I would not move in with him. And to answer your question, yes, I think it would slow down a marriage proposal. Tell him you were always in agreement with him about the living together thing and still feel the same way. Ask him what changed for him and why he now wants to live together before getting married. And honestly and truthfully I am skeptical about his mom having control of the decorating, etc. To me that's a sign that he sees you as a girlfriend and not his future wife. Hopefully I'm wrong.

 

[caltron]

I think the only way you should move in is if you have a firm commitment and know exactly where the relationship is headed. I wouldn't move in unless I had a ring in hand. Or if not a ring, a very rock solid understanding about when I was going to get one.

For me it's not because of morality, but because once you move into a situation, its very hard to get out of it if things aren't going well. It's hard enough to get out of a bad relationship when you aren't living together, but when you live together, inertia takes over and it stops you from getting out as fast as you need to.

So, in your case, it sounds like you don't have much of an idea about where this guy's head is at. You need to ask him what the deal is before you move in. If he is not asking you whether you want a round or princess cut, then stay put and then start to ask yourself the painful question about the state of your relationship. A year is long enough for most guys to know if they've found the one.

 

[PPGbubbles]

If he can live with you he can marry you!

Dont do this OP, Im sure it makes sense to him financially and that is what is caused his change of heart.

If he is the one you can set the marriage plans in motion and come together in that house as man and wife. If not keep the separated living conditions and suggest that he get a male friend as a roommate if he needs help with the rent.

I have a two friends who did this and they are regreting being the live in girlfriends, because they both want to be wives

 

[Mis007]

I would be more interested to know why the change of heart regarding living together before marriage.

 

[Aveena]

I agree.... go for the ring.

He may very well want to ask but he might need to be reminded that his order of operations don't make you comfortable.


I don't know how frank you guys are about things but finances IMO should be addressed head on.

Is he offering for you to pocket this extra money? or will there be extra? because if you are breaking even to help him with the mortgage it is not worth it. And even if you clear extra as well intentioned as we all can be at times that extra will end up spent. (I just had to throw that in) ...and if you were married your name would be on the deed.

So....back to the question:
By having you move in with him he is staking a major claim in you removing other prospects (not that you want them) but has little to no skin in the game......... a ring would be nice.

ETA:

The ring is just a symbol... I don't mean that a ring will magically give you security but the gift of an engagement ring speaks to his heart and is a promise to you that he will marry you on a set date.

 

[lexi08]

I would not move in with him. And to answer your question, yes, I think it would slow down a marriage proposal. Tell him you were always in agreement with him about the living together thing and still feel the same way. Ask him what changed for him and why he now wants to live together before getting married. And honestly and truthfully I am skeptical about his mom having control of the decorating, etc. To me that's a sign that he sees you as a girlfriend and not his future wife. Hopefully I'm wrong.

I agree. He just purchased a house and now he wants you to move in with him Is he even thinking about marriage? IDK His parents are decorating and not you? I don't like it. I would stay in my place.

Would you have to pay rent or other household bills I don't like the idea of a woman putting money towards a man's home Be careful alot of these dudes buy houses and then move women in with and have them footing a portion of the bills. No intention of marriage. When the relationship ends, you are the one who has to go, but he has equity in his home I have seen situations like this play out and its never to a woman's benefit in the end.

 

[Honi]

I would not. To me a year is not a long time to get to know someone (that's just me). I think he wants you to move in as a matter of convenience. You don't have a ring, a date set and technically would not be lady of the house so his momma has the decorating thing handled already but you can still help I guess.

Lastly, if he gets brand new on you and wants you out what happens next? I would think about this more before jumping in.

Why did he change his mind? Have you two talked about a future together? I think that is the more important conversation to be having at this point.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I agree. He just purchased a house and now he wants you to move in with him Is he even thinking about marriage? IDK His parents are decorating and not you? I don't like it. I would stay in my place.

Would you have to pay rent or other household bills I don't like the idea of a woman putting money towards a man's home Be careful alot of these dudes buy houses and then move women in with and have them footing a portion of the bills. No intention of marriage. When the relationship ends, you are the one who has to go, but he has equity in his home I have seen situations like this play out and its never to a woman's benefit in the end.

Chew on the bolded, OP! Food for thought

 

[Lexsmarie]

I understand everyone's comment and to answer some questions....
We do (mainly him) talk about marriage all the time. He is more excited about it than I am. I have confidence that he is not steering me the wrong direction. He even has more details of how the wedding should be than I do. I'm very much involved in his family life so I do not think his mother only thinks of me as a girlfriend. If I have to make a bet, I know he is the type that likes to leave clues around before a big surprise (he does it all the time) and the fact that he did not tell his parents and change is mind, makes me believe he is going to propose before my lease is up. As for the payment, he only asked me to take care of groceries and needed products around the house. He says the reason for changing his mind is because we already constantly together, he doesn't see that changing so why not just live with him and not waste money on my own place - which I do agree. I know we've been togther for only a year but I've known this man for 5 years prior throughout college.

 

[Windsy]

I understand everyone's comment and to answer some questions....
We do (mainly him) talk about marriage all the time. He is more excited about it than I am. I have confidence that he is not steering me the wrong direction. He even has more details of how the wedding should be than I do. I'm very much involved in his family life so I do not think his mother only thinks of me as a girlfriend. If I have to make a bet, I know he is the type that likes to leave clues around before a big surprise (he does it all the time) and the fact that he did not tell his parents and change is mind, makes me believe he is going to propose before my lease is up. As for the payment, he only asked me to take care of groceries and needed products around the house. He says the reason for changing his mind is because we already constantly together, he doesn't see that changing so why not just live with him and not waste money on my own place - which I do agree. I know we've been togther for only a year but I've known this man for 5 years prior throughout college.

Then why create a thread asking for advice IF you've already have your mind made up and have a nicely decorated rebuttal for every advice that was given advising against moving in with him?

I just don't understand how his mother doesn't see you as only a gf BUT has yet to ask for your assistance with the decorating or better yet why hasn't he asked for your assistance since you will be moving in. This just doesn't make sense to me.

The way I see it is....action speaks louder than words.

Good luck and I hope momma decorated to your liking..

ETA: my SO and I talk about marriage all the time...even down to the wedding song that's going to be played BUT until he shows some action, it's all talk.

 

[Aveena]

OP I seems like you are left to take a calculated risk - or not.... No need to tell you a lot is on the line here...

So, I would just ask him what plans he has for your future together just to feel him out but I would want to hear about finances, family, marriage, children etc... When my name is going on the deed etc... but that is me

You must speak your heart on the matters that are important to you. This is a major fork in the road and you want to make sure you both are on the same page.

I just keep getting a feeling that he will do right by you - just keep your cool but stick to your guns and get the answers you need from him

 

[lexi08]

Then why create a thread asking for advice IF you've already have your mind made up and have a nicely decorated rebuttal for every advice that was given advising against moving in with him?

I just don't understand how his mother doesn't see you as only a gf BUT has yet to ask for your assistance with the decorating or better yet why hasn't he asked for your assistance since you will be moving in. This just doesn't make sense to me.

The way I see it is....action speaks louder than words.

Good luck and I hope momma decorated to your liking..

ETA: my SO and I talk about marriage all the time...even down to the wedding song that's going to be played BUT until he shows some action, it's all talk.

Yeah...... most dudes ask their girl friends to decorate.

 

[Mis007]

Then why create a thread asking for advice IF you've already have your mind made up and have a nicely decorated rebuttal for every advice that was given advising against moving in with him?

I just don't understand how his mother doesn't see you as only a gf BUT has yet to ask for your assistance with the decorating or better yet why hasn't he asked for your assistance since you will be moving in. This just doesn't make sense to me.

The way I see it is....action speaks louder than words.

Good luck and I hope momma decorated to your liking..

ETA: my SO and I talk about marriage all the time...even down to the wedding song that's going to be played BUT until he shows some action, it's all talk.

Because some like to ask for advice, but very rarely like what you have to say, I wish her the best.

 

[hopeful]

OP, this is too important of an issue to be a surprise. This is not a birthday party or a surprise present. This is your future and your life. He should not be in control of this. Marriage is a joint decision, not a gift to surprise you with. If you want me to move in with you, propose to me FIRST at the least. Or better yet, let's get married first. Let's build our home TOGETHER. You should not have to guess about his intentions. This is something both of you should be discussing.

 

[Carrie A]

If you think he is going to propose before your lease is up then just wait. You can always set up a month to month rent situation or a shorter term lease in Jan if he doesn't. You need to ask him why the sudden changes in his values. If he believed so strongly against "shacking" before marriage before then hold him to his word. If he's talking marriage all the time down to ceremony details and he is wishy washy on the moving in why not just propose?

 

[likewtr4chklit]

I just skimmed through the thread but my post is based on the OP. I would only live with him once he proposed. Unless you are cool with being his live in gf and having his mama all up in the home that you share I suggest making some things official. Obviously she doesn't see you as a major part of the plan since she is already decorating his house. If he wants you in there so bad why doesn't he have you decorating?

I always give this advice to the women who WANT to get married, and don't have time for games. When you move in with a dude and he hasn't made it known that he wishes to marry you, you risk delaying a proposal if there ever was one on the table in the first place.

eta: when I say "wishes to marry you" I mean he actually proposed not "boo we should get married one day"

 

[lux10023]

If he is going to propose and I hope he does..why would he buy a house without it being a joint decision… that would bother me personally

If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone wouldn’t a house decision be an US thing versus a ME thing…

I would want to pick out a future house with my FH..if that’s where we are going and if his mom is aware of how serious your relationship is..she should know that you will be decorating and etc

OP i wish you all the best!!!

Just something to discuss with him directly..let your FH be the first person you communicate with in regard to your future together..

Often times women are afraid to speak up or etc fear of rocking the boat…just have a heart to heart with him

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't see how his mother can see you as anything more then his girlfriend, when you ARE...his girlfriend.

Regardless of how close you are with his Mom, you are still not a permanent fixture in his life to her so don't be fooled.

I would suggest that you wait until he proposes before moving in.

 

[NaijaTroll]

Um

-why hasnt he proposed?
-why doesnt he parents know about this
-why is the mother doing the decorating and not you?

Better stay in your place, dude needs help with the mortgage.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

A lot of red flags here OP. Your SO first said he didn't believe in living together before marriage (which I agree with) then changes his mind. What's up with that? I'd want to know why and how where does marriage come into the picture for you two? I would not even consider living with a man I'm not married to unless we are engaged or VERY VERY close to being engaged.

Second red flag is his mother not knowing your plans and taking a lead role in decorating your house. One, why hasn't he told his mother his plans? Moving in with a SO is a big step, if you were important to him I'd think he'd want his mother to know ASAP.

Which brings me to my third red flag, his mom's role in decorating/furnishing. Ummm, you put your name on the lease you should have direct say in how it's decorated. This should be about you and your SO, not you, your SO and his mama. Another thought I had is that the reason he's changed his mind about shacking up is he wants someone to share the mortgage with so he doesn't have to pay as much.

I would not move in with him.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Please reconsider, if you are marriage minded than dont move in.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier

 

[TrueToHair]

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[Syrah]

If he is going to propose and I hope he does..why would he buy a house without it being a joint decision… that would bother me personally

If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone wouldn’t a house decision be an US thing versus a ME thing…

Maybe because he wants to be a homeowner before he gets married?

I'm with the other ladies - don't move in with him. But I wouldn't see anything wrong with a man wanting to own a home before getting married. I hope to do the same.

 

[TrueToHair]

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[Evolving78]

don't do it.... been there, done that. it's a bad move.

 

[hopeful]

Just wanted to add that he sounds like a nice guy and that he cares about you, but you guys need to talk and make sure you are both on the same page. Men are good at making decisions without consulting their women. Many have to be taught how to partner versus lead. Good luck OP.