Shopping alone.

L

laCriolla

Well-Known Member
sorry had to vent...

went to best buy to purchase a HUGE tv or a projector for myself to put in my new apartment! I should have been very happy. and I was until

I bent down to look at some movie projectors on a lower shelf

and a black man came along and nearly knocked me over. he just walked behind me, then backed up into me, nearly pushing me into the shelf.
what did he say? he said, "oh".

and went back to helping his white girlfriend pick a tv.

then i felt all kinds of bad emotions that my 'educated' mind knew I shouldn't be feeling. like, jealousy, b/c i had to go pick mine out alone; and reading too deep into the situation, kind of felt like his act of pushing me over was symbolic in a way. he pushed me down in his attempt to help her. i was invisible. and didn't even get an 'excuse me' or anything. humph.

i didn't get the tv or a projector.

and now i feel guilty for feeling some kind of way about them. :perplexed


anyone else ever have conflicting feelings and thoughts?
 
You better then me...I'd would have told him "An 'excuse me' would have been nice." Regardless of the race of his girlfriend.
 
The first feeling that you get is the most accurate one.

You have a right to feel what you felt and not feel guilty about it.

I would've been pissed that his rude arse just nearly knocked me over...and then knocked me over to go help Becky? :lol:
 
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you had a rough day. I had a pretty bad day myself so I feel for you. He should have apologized with his rude behind.
 
I know what you mean about conflicting feelings. I don't have them over black men dating white women because as it turns out, I really don't actually care about that. But I do have them from time to time when I think about not really wanting to date black men anymore.

Up until the past few years I dated nothing BUT black men, and never thought twice about it. There was actually a time where I felt like no matter what it was only logical and reasonable that I would end up with a black man so I didn't understand what all the hoopla was about - this was right after the election when all this emphasized media coverage about black relationships first started. But slowly over the next few years I just gradually began to get so angry at black men. For abandoning black women, for participating in all the foolishness they seemed to value over common sense and common decency, for being losers, scrubs, deadbeats, and without an ounce of self awareness or shame/apology about it. This wasn't due to the media stuff; it coincided most closely with the experiences I was having in grad school. The fact that there were so few black men there, and the ones that were had many decidedly kangish qualities to boot, didn't help.

So now, while I'll still go out with, and spend time with and sleep with black men just like any other man, I just don't see a future in the cards for me with them. Largely just due to the way my standards have changed and what I'll accept and what I won't. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be that way, but I can't unring the bell, you know? I can't pull those feelings back in and decide they are irrelevant and don't matter, because they do, and they are important. I had grown to feel disgusted by black american men in this culture, and I can't suddenly feel un-disgusted. This is what my issue is - I feel disgusted, and I can't or don't know how to make myself feel un-disgusted. I said before that basically I grew to be turned off to/by black men. From a distance I can see how it's unfair, perhaps, but I don't know how to change that. Maybe it will just eventually run out.

It's kind of the same thing how we tell each other not to be offended about bm dating ww. Even though I personally don't care about it, I can definitely understand why it's hurtful to see and how it can be taken personally. It's okay to acknowledge that it's hurtful.
 
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mischka said:
But slowly over the next few years I just gradually began to get so angry at black men. For abandoning black women, for participating in all the foolishness they seemed to value over common sense and common decency, for being losers, scrubs, deadbeats, and without an ounce of self awareness or shame/apology about it. This wasn't due to the media stuff; it coincided most closely with the experiences I was having in grad school. The fact that there were so few black men there, and the ones that were had many decidedly kangish qualities to boot, didn't help.

So now, while I'll still go out with, and spend time with and sleep with black men just like any other man, I just don't see a future in the cards for me with them. Largely just due to the way my standards have changed and what I'll accept and what I won't. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be that way, but I can't unring the bell, you know? I can't pull those feelings back in and decide they are irrelevant and don't matter, because they do, and they are important. I had grown to feel disgusted by black american men in this culture, and I can't suddenly feel un-disgusted. This is what my issue is - I feel disgusted, and I can't or don't know how to make myself feel un-disgusted. I said before that basically I grew to be turned off to/by black men. From a distance I can see how it's unfair, perhaps, but I don't know how to change that. Maybe it will just eventually run out.
Click to expand...

:yep::yep:

I completely agree. And know first hand about the kangish-ness of grad school men. :nono: it's a shame, really.

I think you very eloquently stated what perhaps my issue is- I feel disgusted, too! and it's more that I get the sense THEY feel disgusted by me, as evidenced with the knocking over incident. I get the "not good enough" vibe from a lot of the educated guys, even with my own advanced degree. Because somehow, when we all graduated together, they earned the right to have 'something more' in a way. That's the attitude. one of my close guy friends from college even said he didn't "want a happy negro family". I almost hit the floor. he claims he's worked too hard and deserves more. that's the attitude I find amongst my peers. I never knew all these years in school they were working towards what they deemed to be 'better' and i was unknowingly working towards solitude.

Do i have a problem with 'her'? no. but with him? yes. I just want to know why, with every accomplishment i have, and my girlfriends have, why that's not enough.
 
:yep: I think a lot of black women are going through a phase where they have conflicting feelings about black men. I saw a similar situation with a friend from hs while she was in grad school, wanting to settle down and think about being domestic with a man, heading for marriage and children. And she couldn't find a guy who wasn't full of games. She however had no interest in dating anyone other than a black man and eventually she did find one. They moved from Atlanta to a place together in Cleveland and as far as I've heard since then she is very happy. I don't know anything about the man she is with other than he's black.

For me, I decided to walk away, but that's always been my MO. When I did the elliptical for months - practically a year or more even - and didn't see the results I wanted, I switched to the treadmill. My body was fabulous and I have never gone back. When I decide a friend is a betrayer, I cut off the friendship and don't extend forgiveness. When I tried greek yogurt, I liked the thicker texture and now when I try to buy regular yogurt it's too thin for me and I don't like it anymore. I had no concrete plans after high school and could have spent my life meandering around doing nothing, skating through the first year or so in college. But once I decided this was my path and my way to creating a life for myself, I committed to the values I thought an education could bring me. So - my track record has always leaned toward switching it up an not looking back. I shouldn't really be surprised that I did it with dating too.

I find it disheartening that you've actually heard bm express that in order to make their come up complete it has to include a white, or otherwise non-black woman. Like somehow a "happy negro family" has no value? In a truly bonded and well loved relationship, a "happy negro family" is the most beautiful thing most of us should ever hope to see. The difference between a lot of bw like myself and bm like the ones you describe is that I can acknowledge I am doing things differently because the original path was broken (and in my opinion unrepairable). They choose to break away, for whatever unknown reasons. I am happy with the choices I have made and the decision to switch things up but I still recognize that it is a pity it was ever necessary to begin with.
 
laCriolla said:
I think you very eloquently stated what perhaps my issue is- I feel disgusted, too! and it's more that I get the sense THEY feel disgusted by me, as evidenced with the knocking over incident. I get the "not good enough" vibe from a lot of the educated guys, even with my own advanced degree. Because somehow, when we all graduated together, they earned the right to have 'something more' in a way. That's the attitude. one of my close guy friends from college even said he didn't "want a happy negro family". I almost hit the floor. he claims he's worked too hard and deserves more. that's the attitude I find amongst my peers. I never knew all these years in school they were working towards what they deemed to be 'better' and i was unknowingly working towards solitude.

Do i have a problem with 'her'? no. but with him? yes. I just want to know why, with every accomplishment i have, and my girlfriends have, why that's not enough.
Click to expand...

While I feel you shouldn't invest much emotion into the incident - yea he was extra rude but the woman he was with is kind of irrelevant - the bolded is ridiculous :ohwell::nono:.

One thing I'm learning is that my perceptions and emotions are the lens through which I filter life experiences. Negative feelings are normal but we can learn to control and channel emotion to our benefit. For example, in a situation where a stranger is coming at me the wrong way I often say to myself "it's not about me".. because usually it isn't, most people are too self-centered to be despising you in particular... this diffuses my offense meter a bit and helps with emotional separation.

If you internalize the idea that most educated black men are disgusted by you or think you're not good enough, that perception (not absolute truth btw) will color most of your interactions with them and the world in general and will probably prey on your self-esteem.

I haven't been in your environment but I do know that when I'm feeling confident and secure about my place in the world I experience things much differently. I'm talented, pretty, nice figure, have a unique personality, I'm a child of God and a pleasure to know (I'm going to start repeating this every morning.. shoooo..).

A lot of people (ex. menfolk lol) are insecure and are struggling with ego and identity problems, you're not responsible for them not recognizing how thebomb.com you are. The right people will though as long as you believe it. :yep:
 
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Can yall go in depth about the kangish behavior op black men in grad school. Im surprised since I;'d think grad school would be the last place to meet a kang?
 
I'll try to describe the kangishness of the black men I met in grad school. Keep in mind 2 things: my program was not a business or law school, where you might expect to meet a-hole men. My program is one that is generally around 80 percent women, so if a man is there you would think he would be more sensitive than the average man. And, I went to a really, really, really good school, so it wasn't like you should have expected men to be of a lesser quality, you might have expected them to be higher quality than other men. Also, I stopped just short of calling them full out kangs, but that they were kang-ish.

The first thing that bothered me was that right off the bat I knew I wasn't going to meet a black man to date because all of them except two were way too old. The younger two were both around 28, and the others were 30s, over forty, and over fifty.

Dude A was probably the one I talked to most. He was like 31 and he was from Texas. He was a good looking guy and he had a girlfriend in TX that he lived with and considered her child to be his stepdaughter (I saw the gf at graduation and she was f*cking drop dead GORGEOUS). Yet... he seriously would have slept with me if I gave him the chance. I thought he was joking since everyone knew about his girlfriend so I always tried to play it off. Also, once I got into an argument with him about single parenthood and the way he kept insisting "women need to keep their legs closed" and all this other patriarchal sexist bullsiht that I don't remember now actually made me cry when I got home.

Dude B was in his forties and he had four kids by different moms. He was a former teen dad. At first I thought he was gay but not long after I learned that... he wanted to sleep with me. He would keep talking this false father-figure attitude to me like he was gonna teach me how to be a woman in relationships or some siht and again, I was never REALLY sure if he was actually hitting on me so I always played it off. But he would keep making comments about taking me out, or coming over so I could cook him a meal. The thing that I really didn't like about him though was that he kept playing these mind games with my overweight white girlfriend (who was a virgin at the time) and eventually pitted us against each other so that she wouldn't suspect he was hitting on me. She eventually slept with him and after that he started hanging out all the time with our third friend (an Italian girl) so much that everyone thought they were dating (the only reason why I don't think they slept together is bc I don't think she is trifling enough to do that). I just saw him in a picture on fb of him at the italian girl's place helping her move out. He was the one who told me Dude A was serious about wanting to get with me, and that Dude A had told him he liked my figure.

Dude C was an old man who always wore ceremonial white robes to class, he was probably in his fifties if not older. I knew he was a kang when he made a comment in class about how people behaved when he went to the food stamp office to get some benefits. First of all, why would you tell that to this class full of upper class white folks and second of all why are you in your fifties and still can't f*cking support yourself? How you move across the country and have to go on food stamps once you get there? What kinda siht is that? He was also from Texas.

Dude D was another old man in his fifties or better and he just never came to class and talked about how little he had to do to get by and seemed to have no ambition so I felt that was also kangish for an old man to admit.

As for the younger guys, Dude E (who was also from Texas) was just plain stupid. He could not write on a grad school level just judging from his facebook updates about "I stay focus" and "stay bless." At first I thought that was just how he typed on fb but once he sent out an email on the list serv and it was full of the same type of errors. Then, he was always talking about being a thug and thug life and a bunch of stupid siht like that. I told him once, there are no thugs in grad school. Particularly in this program! And every time I saw him out and about town he was with a different woman, usually not black.

Dude F is the guy I mentioned in my dating thread (his psuedonym was Landry) and he was a nice enough guy if not incredibly white washed. He is one of those black guys who would say black women won't date him because they want a thug and think he's corny. He wasn't necessarily a kang or kangish. But once I went to a birthday party at his place and his family was definitely full of kangs and quains so he is acceptable for escaping the odds lol.

Not to mention all the Texas dudes plus "Landry" spent massive amounts of their free time smoking weed.

The only black dude in the program who had not a trace of kangdom was an eccentric overachiever who I would estimate was in his 30s. He won several awards of recognition and dressed like he lived in a time warp. He also had a name that would indicate to me he probably was not an African-American or at least a first generation one. I always ran into him in the gym, but in the CARDIO room, not in the weight room or playing basketball. He is engaged to a dippy looking white woman.

And I'm pretty sure that details all the black men that I came into the program with. Seven men. (Unless there were more in the night program, but I'd have never met them bc we didn't have classes together.)
 
Wow, I would have been extremely pissed and hurt regardless of anyone's race. How unbelievably RUDE of him.
I always feel some vibe when I'm around a black guy/white girl coupling. I feel like the black guy will pay extra attention to me or something or it may all be in my head. I'm not even attracted to black guys usually so I shouldn't talk lol but I still get a vibe about these things that is unpleasant.
 
He most likely did that to get your attention so that you could SEE him walking over to the White girl.:lachen: Similar things have happened to me in the BM's quest for me to SEE that he is with a White woman, if only they knew I couldn't care less!
 
Wow, I'm really sorry this happened to you :( How rude and dismissive of him.

I echo some of your feelings about black men/white-or-other women, and some of mischka's disgust with black men.

I remember I was once invited by a black male friend to a BBQ at his boys' house. I show up, and it's nearly 2 handfuls of dark-skinned black men, and every.single.woman. in there is visibly half-white, Latina, or white. Every.single.one, no exaggeration. This is a close group of male friends... which had me wondering whether this was a conscious group effort to seek out and enter relationships with non-black women.

I honestly felt awkward, and I don't know whether my feeling was warranted. Knowing the growing and unfortunate discourse and sentiment toward black women, I started imagining potential disdain from them, or any other kind of negative feeling:ohwell:

OT: It annoys me to see pictures of black men posing with random white women... posing next to some random white girl in the club/anywhere, cheesing extra hard like they've won the lottery. What's that for? Show you're on the up and up?
 
RossBoss said:
He most likely did that to get your attention so that you could SEE him walking over to the White girl.:lachen: Similar things have happened to me in the BM's quest for me to SEE that he is with a White woman, if only they knew I couldn't care less!
Click to expand...


THIS.....:lol:

It happens to me too and I just look right pass his arse.....the look on the BM face when I do this is ****** priceless.:lol:

ETA: I will say this. I think that the fact that I'm in a relationship makes a difference when it comes to seeing and dealing with BM/WW relationships and the BM trying to make sure it's known. I think if I wasn't in a relationship, I might react differently.

Op, I'm sorry this happened to you. Congrats on the new place!!!
 
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CarLiTa said:
Wow, I'm really sorry this happened to you :( How rude and dismissive of him.

I echo some of your feelings about black men/white-or-other women, and some of mischka's disgust with black men.

I remember I was once invited by a black male friend to a BBQ at his boys' house. I show up, and it's nearly 2 handfuls of dark-skinned black men, and every.single.woman. in there is visibly half-white, Latina, or white. Every.single.one, no exaggeration. This is a close group of male friends... which had me wondering whether this was a conscious group effort to seek out and enter relationships with non-black women.

I honestly felt awkward, and I don't know whether my feeling was warranted. Knowing the growing and unfortunate discourse and sentiment toward black women, I started imagining potential disdain from them, or any other kind of negative feeling:ohwell:

OT: It annoys me to see pictures of black men posing with random white women... posing next to some random white girl in the club/anywhere, cheesing extra hard like they've won the lottery. What's that for? Show you're on the up and up?
Click to expand...

Wowwwwwwww. And you know what's ironic is it's always dark skinned black men who go the hardest on this front. Light skinned black men tend to be with darker skinned black women. I feel like I don't see light skinned bm with white women NEARLY as much as their dark skinned counterparts.
 
Raspberry said:
While I feel you shouldn't invest much emotion into the incident - yea he was extra rude but the woman he was with is kind of irrelevant - the bolded is ridiculous :ohwell::nono:.

One thing I'm learning is that my perceptions and emotions are the lens through which I filter life experiences. Negative feelings are normal but we can learn to control and channel emotion to our benefit. For example, in a situation where a stranger is coming at me the wrong way I often say to myself "it's not about me".. because usually it isn't, most people are too self-centered to be despising you in particular... this diffuses my offense meter a bit and helps with emotional separation.

If you internalize the idea that most educated black men are disgusted by you or think you're not good enough, that perception (not absolute truth btw) will color most of your interactions with them and the world in general and will probably prey on your self-esteem.

I haven't been in your environment but I do know that when I'm feeling confident and secure about my place in the world I experience things much differently. I'm talented, pretty, nice figure, have a unique personality, I'm a child of God and a pleasure to know (I'm going to start repeating this every morning.. shoooo..).

A lot of people (ex. menfolk lol) are insecure and are struggling with ego and identity problems, you're not responsible for them not recognizing how thebomb.com you are. The right people will though as long as you believe it. :yep:
Click to expand...


you're so right! I didn't have this problem before my friend said he didn't "want a happy negro family". somehow I let that creep into my pores and color everything I see.

thank you for the perspective!!
 
That man was extremely rude. I can't stand men like that.

As far as your friend who is against happy black families.... Don't allow another man to project his own feelings of insecurity or low self-worth on to you. If a man feel like he needs to validate his success by having a white women and a non-negro family, he has issues. There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with black women in general. He's the one who has a problem with who he is and he will carry that into whatever relationship he enters. Unfortunately for him, he will be black until the day he dies, marrying a white woman will not change that. But his problem is not your problem, KWIM?
 
mischka said:
When I did the elliptical for months - practically a year or more even - and didn't see the results I wanted, I switched to the treadmill.
Click to expand...

I know this is not the Health forum but the elliptical is my BFF and the treadmill is my archnemesis. I got amazing results on the elliptical. Different strokes for different folks. :yep:

Anyhoo, sorry LaCriolla that you went through that. I remember sometimes I'd be out in a store and a BM would be all up in my eyeballs for me to visually acknowledge him and his WW. I'd think to myself, "Who gives a rip?" :rolleyes: And then my ex would show up and they'd be like --------> :blush: :perplexed. So it's okay for him to be with his white woman and not okay for me to be with my white man?

I am sorry he was so rude to you. He has issues. It is crazy how so many black men will date a limbless, toothless chick that is non-Black but won't give even the highest caliber black women a chance. Even my ex would say he never understood how some men just had to date a white woman regardless of how she was packaged and what her personality was like. White was the only prerequisite.

Self-hating mofos!
 
I guess. The elliptical did absolutely NOTHING for me. I don't even think I lost any weight on it. I ran for like a month and a half, two months on the treadmill and my body was perfect all over. It was an astonishing difference.
 
laCriolla said:
sorry had to vent...

went to best buy to purchase a HUGE tv or a projector for myself to put in my new apartment! I should have been very happy. and I was until

I bent down to look at some movie projectors on a lower shelf

and a black man came along and nearly knocked me over. he just walked behind me, then backed up into me, nearly pushing me into the shelf.
what did he say? he said, "oh".

and went back to helping his white girlfriend pick a tv.

then i felt all kinds of bad emotions that my 'educated' mind knew I shouldn't be feeling. like, jealousy, b/c i had to go pick mine out alone; and reading too deep into the situation, kind of felt like his act of pushing me over was symbolic in a way. he pushed me down in his attempt to help her. i was invisible. and didn't even get an 'excuse me' or anything. humph.

i didn't get the tv or a projector.

and now i feel guilty for feeling some kind of way about them. :perplexed


anyone else ever have conflicting feelings and thoughts?
Click to expand...

JERK! I hate men like that! I had a guy straight up walk into me and then had the nerve to look at me angrily like it was my fault and walk away. It kind of hurt my feelings b/c I felt like dang I guess he doesn't deem me worthy of an excuse me or anything.

I've had those kind of conflicting feelings before too, not about the race of the couple, but just being jealous and feeling pushed aside, but knowing I shouldnt even care.
I get how you were feeling.


mischka said:
I guess. The elliptical did absolutely NOTHING for me. I don't even think I lost any weight on it. I ran for like a month and a half, two months on the treadmill and my body was perfect all over. It was an astonishing difference.
Click to expand...

I got kind of the opposite effect lol. I started running and noticed clothes fitting a little different, but no change in the scales and my legs were still not firming up. Then I started using the elliptical and I lost more weight + my legs feel and look better. I still love running though.


Sent from my iPad
 
I would have turned to him and asked him if he was allergic to "Excuse Me' or I'm sorry."
If he didn't apologize right then, I would have said to him, you're an ***!" and continued doing what I was doing.
 
I STILL would have gotten the tv and projector!!!! PLEASE don't let anyone steal your joy!!! **cyber hug**
 
Seriously I don't think the situation has anything to do with bm/ww. It has more to do with respect and courtesy. Who bumps into someone and doesn't say excuse me? He was rude and had no manners. OP don't internalize it into something else. Thinking that type of way is really not positive thinking for your psyche.
 
OP I am sure you are a beautiful woman. Just concentrate on being the best woman you can possibly be and you will be aligned with the best man for you. It may be in entirely different package than what you had imagined or within a time frame that may not be in line with your time line.

I see interracial couples all the time. There was a time when I was a bit salty but as time went on I had to work on not internalizing that nonsense. I can see how it is easy to do. Don't be afraid to speak up when folks are blatanlty disrepecting you.
 
mischka said:
Dude A was probably the one I talked to most. He was like 31 and he was from Texas. He was a good looking guy and he had a girlfriend in TX that he lived with and considered her child to be his stepdaughter (I saw the gf at graduation and she was f*cking drop dead GORGEOUS). Yet... he seriously would have slept with me if I gave him the chance. I thought he was joking since everyone knew about his girlfriend so I always tried to play it off. Also, once I got into an argument with him about single parenthood and the way he kept insisting "women need to keep their legs closed" and all this other patriarchal sexist bullsiht that I don't remember now actually made me cry when I got home.
Click to expand...

LOL Did he tell his gf this?
 
He was rude and I would have been annoyed to. When people do things like that, I have conversations with myself.

Me1: Oh, excuse me. I didn't see you there.
Me2: No worries, at least you had the decency to apologize. Some people act like they were raised on a barn-- and they have no shame!

I might look crazy, but I'd feel better.

The girl ain't no better. I'm obviously weird, but I would have apologized for him. Him not doing the right thing with something so small would have been a huge turnoff.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2
 
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