Sex First Then Relationship?

[softblackcotton]

The more I talk to friends and people who are in relationships now, the more I'm realizing that they slept with their bfs/SOs before their relationship was made official. I thought this was just a college thing. Most of the kids who ended up dating in college had sex or did something sexual before deciding to be in a relationship. I am now realizing that grown adults do the same darn thing. Ok maybe adults who have jobs and little bit of money to spend go out on three to four dates, but four dates is said to be the cut off point to have sex for the first time. I've been told by so many people that adults don't date for months and months on end without sleeping together by the 2nd month tops. What?! I thought maybe this was just black people in Atlanta! However, I'm learning that people of all races everywhere in the Western world are doing the same. At least the majority of people are doing this. In conclusion, people don't court/date in the traditional sense as before. They just have sex and decide whether like each other enough to be in a relationship. Ladies, How true does this hold for you and your past, present and future relationships? Please answer whether you are single, engaged, or married. I would really like to know.

 

[dlewis]

I believe in courting. My mother was a firm believer in it while I was growing up.

For me, I haven't been able to have sex outside of commitment. I believe I need that to even get aroused.

Alot of my friends have sex early on just like you said. Some have gone onto marry their bootycall boyfriends. That's not for me. I know I'm oldfashion and Im ok being me.

 

[softblackcotton]

I believe in courting. My mother was a firm believer in it while I was growing up.

For me, I haven't been able to have sex outside of commitment. I believe I need that to even get aroused.

Alot of my friends have sex early on just like you said. Some have gone onto marry their bootycall boyfriends. That's not for me. I know I'm oldfashion and Im ok being me.

I 100% agree. I just can't fathom the idea of being that intimate with someone with no promise of commitment. I am unconventional in many ways, but in this sense I'm so traditional. I would really love to be courted and my experience so far Atlanta is that men expect so much for so little. Ok so you spent $100 dollars on me in three/four dates and now I am supposed to sleep with you. I am not a prostitute man!

 

[dlewis]

I 100% agree. I just can't fathom the idea of being that intimate with someone with no promise of commitment. I am unconventional in many ways, but in this sense I'm so traditional. I would really love to be courted and my experience so far Atlanta is that men expect so much for so little. Ok so you spent $100 dollars on me in three/four dates and now I am supposed to sleep with you. I am not a prostitute man!

IDK what it is.

I have only had one guy demand sex from me. I was in the 11th grade and he pushed me down after I told him I did not intend to sex him up. That was the last date I went on with him.

Since then I have dated and dated alot. Never had a guy force himself on me in anyway. I guess they know. I might go out with a guy for 6 months and still nothing. And also I want to add just because we are in a commited relationship does not mean I'm dropping my draws.

During my dating days sex was always on my terms. Don't know if that would fly in todays world. But for some reason I don't think if I were single I would have that problem.

 

[Bunny77]

Engaged and I made it clear that there would not even be a discussion about sex until we were in an exclusive relationship.

 

[Kiadodie]

Engaged and I made it clear that there would not even be a discussion about sex until we were in an exclusive relationship.

Bunny, what's exclusive and how long did you make him wait?

 

[FlowerHair]

Sex before the relationship seems to go against conventional wisdom.

 

[TokyoReina]

I'm single and in college now. As far as I've seen, the sex comes before the relationships. And this works for most guys because there are quite a few girls thinking the same thing without any problems.

 

[mxdchiq86]

had sex before we were official. we've been married for 2 years.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[softblackcotton]

IDK what it is.

I have only had one guy demand sex from me. I was in the 11th grade and he pushed me down after I told him I did not intend to sex him up. That was the last date I went on with him.

Since then I have dated and dated alot. Never had a guy force himself on me in anyway. I guess they know. I might go out with a guy for 6 months and still nothing. And also I want to add just because we are in a commited relationship does not mean I'm dropping my draws.

During my dating days sex was always on my terms. Don't know if that would fly in todays world. But for some reason I don't think if I were single I would have that problem.

Yeah, in today's dating world. It's a bit tougher to get by. I've found like one guy so far who stuck around 8 months, but he did not want to be exclusive since I wasn't having sex with him or doing anything with him. He put in me rotation with other women until in his words "You're ready to act like an adult" He actually told me that I wasn't being an adult by saving myself for marriage. The other guys gave up and ran away quicker than they would have even if I were having sex with them. I've been called all sorts of "childish" and "prude"

 

[softblackcotton]

I'm single and in college now. As far as I've seen, the sex comes before the relationships. And this works for most guys because there are quite a few girls thinking the same thing without any problems.

As I said, sex before the relationship is a running theme in college and a running theme after college. It's quite sad, because when the majority of women are dating this way, it makes it harder for women who want to be more traditional like me.

 

[Dposh167]

ummm...yea. That's A LOT of people's dating story. sex & then the relationship. i say do what u wanna do.

 

[softblackcotton]

ummm...yea. That's A LOT of people's dating story. sex & then the relationship. i say do what u wanna do.

Yeah, but with a lot of people doing this. How can people like me expect to not still be single for the next 5 years or for life when everybody out there expects this is the way to start a relationship? It's like if you don't want to have sex, then you don't want to have a relationship. I honestly didn't think this was the popular thing to do outside of college. I just started realizing this just this year and I'm 25.

 

[Dposh167]

Yeah, but with a lot of people doing this. How can people like me expect to not still be single for the next 5 years or for life when everybody out there expects this is the way to start a relationship? It's like if you don't want to have sex, then you don't want to have a relationship. I honestly didn't think this was the popular thing to do outside of college. I just started realizing this just this year and I'm 25.

for real? did u not date before college? I thought it was pretty common for people to have atleast known about sex prior to relationships. even tho that person may not practice it

 

[hopeful]

Softblackcotton, you do what's best for you. There is no way on earth I'd have sex with a guy if we weren't in an exclusive, romantic relationship, no way at all. Doesn't matter at all what "most" are doing, what matters is how you fell and what you think is right.

 

[softblackcotton]

for real? did u not date before college? I thought it was pretty common for people to have atleast known about sex prior to relationships. even tho that person may not practice it

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life... and I was very book-wormy (still am a bit) I'm going to sign out for the night. My lack of dating experience and common knowledge embarasses me right now.

 

[Dposh167]

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life...

oh okay. well now i see.
IMO, you really can't let what everyone else is doing to destroy the hunt for you to find a guy (who shares the same morals & values as you do). Those type of guys are out there. You just have to find them.

But the reality is that you WILL meet maaaaaannny men who expect (or would like) intimacy before a relationship. That's just how it is in society right now so u can't do anything about it but hold on to your morals and keep searching.

 

[hopeful]

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life... and I was very book-wormy (still am a bit) I'm going to sign out for the night.

Nothing wrong with this at all. More young ladies should be protected and sheltered.

 

[Dposh167]

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life... and I was very book-wormy (still am a bit) I'm going to sign out for the night. My lack of dating experience and common knowledge embarasses me right now.

oh no. Definitely don't feel embarassed. Its obvious you wanted feeback on something you weren't aware of. There's a lot of women who didn't start dating til their 20's. Hell i'm 25 too and still learning. Tis life. A big ole learning experience. Nothing to be ashamed of

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Not true for me. I'm holding out on sex until marriage. My SO is okay with that (though he get frustrated at times lol! But then he tells me that he couldn't live with me doing something I don't want to by compromising my beliefs. He wants me to wait because I want, and he gets over it.). We've been together just about a year now and are discussing the next step.

As for previous relationships they knew what was up too. BTW I'm in my late twenties.

That doesn't mean that men don't occasionally balk but I haven't had a man break up with me since my teens (I'm usually the one ending it). I state this because I don't believe it has anything to do with a man staying with you or considering you for long term. I am straight up with a man from the beginning so that they know what they're dealing with. Then if they are in a relationship with me and balk, I tell them (in a nice jokingly serious way) that they knew what they were getting into from the beginning and there's the door if they want to go. Of course they back down then. I think of it as them testing boundaries. But when they know where I stand, they respect me for it, and back down on that subject because it is non negotiable.

 

[Poohbear]

Yeah, in today's dating world. It's a bit tougher to get by. I've found like one guy so far who stuck around 8 months, but he did not want to be exclusive since I wasn't having sex with him or doing anything with him. He put in me rotation with other women until in his words "You're ready to act like an adult" He actually told me that I wasn't being an adult by saving myself for marriage. The other guys gave up and ran away quicker than they would have even if I were having sex with them. I've been called all sorts of "childish" and "prude"

Don't let that guy's ignorant comments get to you...

Yeah, but with a lot of people doing this. How can people like me expect to not still be single for the next 5 years or for life when everybody out there expects this is the way to start a relationship? It's like if you don't want to have sex, then you don't want to have a relationship. I honestly didn't think this was the popular thing to do outside of college. I just started realizing this just this year and I'm 25.

Don't feel like you're going to be single for a long time because of this foolishness you see. You must also realize that not everybody out there expects sex before a relationship. Keep standing firm on your beliefs. Don't give into sex if you do not want to have sex. Forget about it being popular. What's popular isn't always the right way to go.

I'm 26 and I don't believe it's a good idea to have sex before a relationship. When I was in college, I didn't date. I just had 1 boyfriend throughout my college years. The year I graduated 2006, I broke up with my boyfriend. After that, I dated a few guys here and there but did not have sex with them. They didn't turn into relationships but that's okay. Dating doesn't mean you have to have sex.

Right now, I'm unmarried but have a boyfriend who I've been with for a year and a couple of months.

Hope that helps. Be encouraged instead of discouraged. There are other people in this world that are like you. Stay true to yourself.

 

[Mis007]

Why are people using sex as a basis for a relationship! erplexed

 

[Arcadian]

Yeah, but with a lot of people doing this. How can people like me expect to not still be single for the next 5 years or for life when everybody out there expects this is the way to start a relationship? It's like if you don't want to have sex, then you don't want to have a relationship. I honestly didn't think this was the popular thing to do outside of college. I just started realizing this just this year and I'm 25.

First, don't ever be embarrassed about the fact that you've waited. Thats a good thing. More people should. I waited until my mid 20's to also date.


2nd, the relationship I have with my husband has always been against convention. We spoke via telephone/internet/email for 5 months before even meeting. and um.. I got what I wanted the first date However, he was already pretty committed considering we talked everyday of those 5 months and he did all the calling.

So with ALL that, I will still say you would do better to wait until you make the relationship concrete before having sex. My relationship with my husband was/is/will always be/ an anomaly. Sometimes the stars align just right and it works against every rule that says it shouldn't.

Never let anyone force you into thinking you SHOULD have sex before YOU are ready. And please don't be embarrassed and don't let others make you feel embarrassed or somehow lacking because you're not doing what "everyone else" is doing. Wear your v-card proudly because you can only give it once. (without surgery that is...)


-A

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life... and I was very book-wormy (still am a bit) I'm going to sign out for the night. My lack of dating experience and common knowledge embarasses me right now.

Hi!! I got excited when I read this. This is, or rather, this was me. I would rather die than live in a world without books (and movies). and my church didn't allow dating unless you'd already talked with SO's parents for permission and declared your intent to marry the person. so I didn't date until well INTO college, away from prying eyes.

My advice? Take everything you hear with a grain of salt. What worked for one person does not really work for another. I heard the same things (about sex first, and relationship later) and thought this would be my path. boy was I wrong. After years of awkward fumbling and disappointing encounters, I finally met the man I'm going to marry (in two months). I didn't get intimate with him until almost a YEAR of dating. and even then it was after we had the "talk". We were just having so much fun doing other things, that doing the do didn't seem that important to us or a priority. On the other hand, when we finally...ahem...did the dang thing, we were like, what da heck took us so long?

Bottom line. only do what feels right for you. you are different and can make your own rules. you are your only judge. that's a special thing, lady.

 

[softblackcotton]

My gratefulness to all you ladies for your input and wonderful advice! It sure helps to hear words of encouragement and knowing that I'm not alone! My solution to my dating problem was just to resign myself to maybe be single for life. However that's just a little too harsh reality to accept in my 20's. I still have so much hope and time, despite all the discouraging experiences or lack of experiences I've had so far. I can still see the glass as half full! Other than that, I live my life most days doing the things I enjoy, building friendships, and working steadily towards my great career goals and future. The fact that I haven't had a relationship at 25 is just a small aspect in my otherwise pretty good life. Not going to let it weigh me down, even though I do have my days.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^ Please don't let it weigh you down.. I have a friend in a similar situation as me (except she would be willing to have sex before marriage but not with just anyone as she wants to be selective) but she really has low self esteem. She is also sexually inexperienced and is constantly worried if someone will want her. I really think that's why the guys aren't lining up. Desperation seeps through. Because really I dont have that problem and I think hat it's her self esteem. She's pretty, fit, funny , intelligent and a great catch but her belief in herself is next to none. It has to do with the fact that she's inexperienced. I think the difference is that she's almost apologetic about that, and men sniff that out. Believe that you have a lot to offer whether you have sex or not, and I believe guys respect that energy (and high self esteem).

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

This makes me really sad..yes I have done the do before the relationship last relationship 5 yrs ago..now that I have gained my objectivity back no dude is hitting this until a ring is on finger and that left my fat tale over the threshold..please men better to get them some sense get with a lady not a tramp..I know it a nice thing to try before you buy but in my opinion one loses their good sense at times when they have sex..things you wouldn't allow you do bc it's good..

 

[Mahoganybeauty]

Personally, I try to wait until I'm in a committed relationship before having sex. I've only had one boyfriend where we had sex before committment...I was devastated that I gave in after holding out for almost 6 months then the following week we became a couple LOL.

Recently, I was dating this guy who believed in having sex before a relationship because that's what he's always done...I guess he preferred to sample the goodies before comitting to it.

Well, I don't give out free samples and I'm abstaining from sex until I'm in a exclusive/committed relationship which he found out the hard way when he tried to move into the bedroom. What's interesting is later that same evening he asked what it takes to go from friends to committed relationship, what the process looks like etc and we had a good conversation about it because he's never had anyone in his life who thought like me...we've since stopped talking but it was cool that he may have considered waiting until we were exclusive.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

had sex before we were official. we've been married for 2 years.

Same here....well not exactly, it'll be two years in August.