relationship question #564984694651

[dlewis]

I'm no lawyer, so I Googled....

http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/F36E4001-6232-4799-B7FB234A3C5DF1BD/alpha/D/http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/term/90EC5089-014F-4606-A43C61EF206C9B87
divorce: The legal termination of marriage. All states require a spouse to identify a legal reason for requesting a divorce when that spouse files the divorce papers with the court. These reasons are referred to as grounds for a divorce.


http://www.nolo.com/definition.cfm/Term/562BEF3A-2213-4DA5-A904132021F334E5/alpha/A/
annulment: A court procedure that dissolves a marriage and treats it as if it never happened. Annulments are rare since the advent of no-fault divorce but may be obtained in most states for one of the following reasons: misrepresentation, concealment (for example, of an addiction or criminal record), misunderstanding and refusal to consummate the marriage.

Thanks for this.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I agree. My biggest struggle was fornication. I repented my sins, and I never went back. I met a wonderful man who respected my commitment to God, and he was also celibate. We did not have sex until we were married. It was a beautiful experience. No I was not a virgin, and neither was he, but we were both born again Christians and we lived our lives to please God. We both gave up premarital sex long before meeting each other.

The beauty of the Lord is that we always get a second chance. Thank God for that second chance, because It's never to late to change. In order to please God, you have to give up those things that go against his will.
When I became saved, I was a knew person. I didn't talk the same, I didn't walk the same, I was truly born again.

To the OP- I dated a few men after I became saved, and most were not open to waiting until marriage to have sex. One guy was really nice and we dated for a few months. One night at dinner, he told me he wanted to date me exclusively. I thought that was great. A couple weeks later, we were talking about sex, and I naturally assumed he was celibate- because he was born again, in theology school, and very active in his church. When I told him that I was not going to spend the night at his house, because I didn't like putting myself in "risky" situations, he was appalled. He told me, it was no way he could be with a woman and not have sex. That was our last conversation. I was turned off by him and he was turned off by me.

Awesome....good for you!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Interesting comments ladies!!!

I think my biggest struggle growing up was knowing and feeling I was loved by my family. So I always looked for men to provide me with the feeling that I was wanted and needed until I grew up and realized that no matter what happened in my life, no matter what I think, that I just need to love myself and know that I'm worthy of everything. Every area of my life is under some form of discipline but I struggle most w/ sex. I so admire anyone who is able to repent and never return to that sin. I stayed celebate for 5 years prior to meeting my s/o vowing that I wouldn't go against God. I think that my past w/ him played a part in me swaying my celibacy but God has such a way of reminding us of who HE is, so with that said, I just forgot just how much I need God. My prayers have been, God....please change my life, take me to a new level, I'm ready for something new and good but I can't do that nor can I expect God to take me there if I haven't surrendered completely to Him. I don't know how this will affect my current relationship and I sincerely and truly love my s/o and would love to spend my life with him but realize I gotta get back to God...

Exactly....

 

[Supergirl]

That happened with a guy that worked here. He was with her one time, she was a virgin, when they came back from their honeymoon he filed for an anullment. Very sad. Their families were very upset. And they had an over the top wedding.

I don't think you have to play any games. If a man wants you, he wants you. I did nothing to keep dh interested when we were dating, if anything you would have thought I was a turn off. The same with several guys I've dated.

I wonder if he married her just for sex. I knew a young lady that this happened to. They got married and 2 weeks later, he wanted out. He was straight up about it and told her that he had just married her for the sex. I believe there are men that would do this--they want to "conquer" so bad that they'll say I do and after the deed is accomplished, they see no true point to stay in the marriage. That's a hot mess to me. That's why I would NOT advise that a couple get married because they are horny.

 

[Supergirl]

In relation to the original question,

Yes, I'm a Chrisian but I was not a virgin on my wedding night. Some of you know my story. In 1996, I became celibate. It was hard and many times I thought of giving in. At first, I thought that dating would be hard because guys wouldn't go for that. Then I realized that the right one would be in total support of it. In 1999, my now husband and I began our courtship. He was living the same lifestyle as I was and the celibacy was not an issue. Furthermore, we didn't rush into marriage just because we wanted to have sex--though it was tempting to want to rush.

So after 9 years of celibacy, hubby and I said "I do" in 2005 and the wedding night was special just as I desired it to be. I believe that sex before marriage would have cheapened our relationship and future marriage. I am glad that we did not explore that area until after marriage.

I completely agree with the poster that says that God gives us a second chance--He sure gave me one.

 

[1Specialk]

I think you should know the person you are going to marry in every way before you take the plunge. I think the divorce rate is so high because people marry strangers. Like someone else on here said sex is an intricate part of developing a deeper intimacy in your relationship. I want to know me and my mate are compatible physically mentally and spiritually before we tie the knot. I mean in the end we all sin dont we. Gossiping, lying etc... I think exuding the character of a christian being kind loving emathetic comassionate is way more important than following every rule in the book.

So, what if right after the 'I Dos" you are no longer physically compatible? Does that end the marriage, even though you are still compatible mentally and spiritually?

 

[Integrity]

Supergirl, can i ask why your courtship took 'so' long?

 

[Supergirl]

Supergirl, can i ask why your courtship took 'so' long?

I don't have a "good" answer for that. That's just how it worked out with us. I believe that in order to have the marriage we prayed to have that we needed to take our time. We were pretty young (22) when we started courting and each had some maturing and growing to do. It was also a good way for me to know that he wasn't just marrying me because he was eager to get into my pants. (but we never set out intentionally to take that long--that's just how it happened) But our marriage began in the season it was meant to.

 

[PaperClip]

So, what if right after the 'I Dos" you are no longer physically compatible? Does that end the marriage, even though you are still compatible mentally and spiritually?

Adding on to the question: what if something (God forbid) prevents sexual relations, e.g., illness (mental or physical)? The traditional marriage vows say "in sickness and in health"....

 

[Amour]

I tend to think the thought and actual WORK of *staying* married for 50+ years until death is hard enough without having to worry about if someone is going to be what you want and need between the sheets. Sex is too critical of an marital issue to play the coy, high school, "wait and see" game.

The dating and courting phase is when people usually build up that physical excitement and chemistry to it's highest... the whole foundation that will build their mental reference for one another sexually. Going even deeper (no pun intended) -- when you are NOT married is probably when you do the MOST for each other sexually (evolutionary theory being: you want to keep your new mate out of the hands of other prey), so it gives that EXTRA reference point for when you are much further down the line and NEED to reminisce. Something about the thought of trying to reminisce about a time in a relationship where you already knew you "had" the person... Maybe that's just me .

thats interesting.. however I take my hat to those who experience this without engaging in pre marital sex

 

[Integrity]

i cant believe some men will go through so much just to have sex!!!

also, if premarital sex is so beneficial, whats up with all the divorce rates and why do studies tell us the contrary?

 

[nychaelasymone]

i cant believe some men will go through so much just to have sex!!!

also, if premarital sex is so beneficial, whats up with all the divorce rates and why do studies tell us the contrary?

people do some crazy things to satisfy the flesh sometimes.

I honestly believe the divorce rate is so high because people sincerely don't understand the amount of work that goes into a marriage. People aren't completely honest with each other regarding their feelings. My parents have been married for almosts 40 years and I knew there were times when both of them felt like they should part ways but what I learned from them is that no one is perfect and you really need to understand the person and realize they are your partner, they don't complete you...you complete you. People change and you have to be willing to compromise when that change occurs. Also, my parents never gave up and their love for Christ ourshined anything they were going through, so they figured things out. No marriage is perfect....in fact nothing is perfect, you just gotta remember that when you're married it's a balancing act and sometimes things sway in your favor and sometimes they sway in your spouses directions and sometimes things are just balanced. You just gotta be willing to do the work and remember who brought you together. Sorry for the rant

my dissertation....I'm done

 

[Integrity]

people do some crazy things to satisfy the flesh sometimes.

I honestly believe the divorce rate is so high because people sincerely don't understand the amount of work that goes into a marriage.

do you think 50 years ago people understood more about the amount of work that goes into it?

i think everything has remained the same since the old days. the only changing variable is possibly the high cohabitation plus premarital sex and attitudes towards it

 

[Nightingale]

do you think 50 years ago people understood more about the amount of work that goes into it?

i think everything has remained the same since the old days. the only changing variable is possibly the high cohabitation plus premarital sex and attitudes towards it

I don't think premarital sex is the determining factor for divorce. Its not that important IMO. If it were only about sex, people wouldn't be getting married in the first place (save for the few jerks I just read about in this thread, but even this could have happened in the 50 years ago, in fact maybe more often).

Our culture has changed to the point where people want to be spoon fed through life. No one wants to struggle because we believe that things should be easy. People divorce because unlike the old day where you were expected to stick it out for better or for worse in a marriage and a divorce was expensive and/or difficult to get, its now as simple as printing out a form online, instant annulment. It's hard for some to believe, but it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Sadly, people have not been schooled in the concept of hardwork and dedication in relation to saying "I do".

 

[nychaelasymone]

do you think 50 years ago people understood more about the amount of work that goes into it?

i think everything has remained the same since the old days. the only changing variable is possibly the high cohabitation plus premarital sex and attitudes towards it

I believe it's a combination of everything. It seems people are more lazy and even more selfish today than 50 years ago, plus values have changed.

 

[MissScarlett]

I believe it's a combination of everything. It seems people are more lazy and even more selfish today than 50 years ago, plus values have changed.[/quote]

ITA with this

 

[NoNapNique]

***I should preface by saying I was raised in a strict Christian household, so I am NOT anti-Christian, I just tend to use logic most times***

As for a contributing factor to the divorce rate...

I think people have gotten more selfish or "lazy" because they see how much their mothers/fathers suffered to their own mental/physical detriment... It's as simple as this: Each generation becomes wiser, and will tolerate less. You see it in just about every category -- women's issues, minority issues, employment, consumer awareness, etc.

In all fairness though, I guess it would be considered selfish to not want to suffer mentally and spiritually to the point you are on meds, aging prematurely, or becoming ill. Prayer does not always change people or situations -- (But it will make you FEEL better going through it)...

Sometimes bad things and choices are MEANT to happen so we can learn and grow as individuals. Not to mention even in the spiritual realm there IS still a such thing as "Free Will" (I prayed, and wrote out "The List" for my husband too -- He still turned out to be a divorce-worthy, metally abusive JERK)... Being Christian does not exempt you from the harsh consequences of choosing the wrong mate -- And being such doesn't automatically guarantee you will HAVE a "God sent" mate or a successful marriage. I sincerely have a hard time believing EVERY Christian on the planet is married to the person who was "God sent" to them... And not even ONE percent of those folks have imagined their own self-willed "still small voice" during Sunday service saying, "This is the man/woman you're going to marry" as he/she walked through the door (I use that example because I hear it SOOOO much in the Christian community ). No, silly... You were BOTH "single and looking" Christians, who happened to BOTH go to the same church at the SAME time in your lives. Personally (learning from other's experience) I'd be more interested in what a man or woman was *hiding/running from* in the church, rather than interested and impressed with how strong and faithful they are as Christians.

 

[nychaelasymone]

PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***I should preface by saying I was raised in a strict Christian household, so I am NOT anti-Christian, I just tend to use logic most times***

As for a contributing factor to the divorce rate...

I think people have gotten more selfish or "lazy" because they see how much their mothers/fathers suffered to their own mental/physical detriment... It's as simple as this: Each generation becomes wiser, and will tolerate less. You see it in just about every category -- women's issues, minority issues, employment, consumer awareness, etc.

In all fairness though, I guess it would be considered selfish to not want to suffer mentally and spiritually to the point you are on meds, aging prematurely, or becoming ill. Prayer does not always change people or situations -- (But it will make you FEEL better going through it)...

Sometimes bad things and choices are MEANT to happen so we can learn and grow as individuals. Not to mention even in the spiritual realm there IS still a such thing as "Free Will" (I prayed, and wrote out "The List" for my husband too -- He still turned out to be a divorce-worthy, metally abusive JERK)... Being Christian does not exempt you from the harsh consequences of choosing the wrong mate -- And being such doesn't automatically guarantee you will HAVE a "God sent" mate or a successful marriage. I sincerely have a hard time believing EVERY Christian on the planet is married to the person who was "God sent" to them... And not even ONE percent of those folks have imagined their own self-willed "still small voice" during Sunday service saying, "This is the man/woman you're going to marry" as he/she walked through the door (I use that example because I hear it SOOOO much in the Christian community ). No, silly... You were BOTH "single and looking" Christians, who happened to BOTH go to the same church at the SAME time in your lives. Personally (learning from other's experience) I'd be more interested in what a man or woman was *hiding/running from* in the church, rather than interested and impressed with how strong and faithful they are as Christians.

 

[Bunny77]

Let's not forget too that folks basically HAD to stay married back in the day (women mainly) because marriage was often the only way they and their children could be supported. So hubby could be cheating up a storm, but women were not educated or independent enough to just be able to say "enough" and leave. Also, the singles culture as we know it today simply didn't exist -- basically people grew up, got married, had kids and that was it.

I'm not saying that a culture centered around marriage was a bad thing, but people really didn't have much of a choice to do anything BUT get married -- and usually to the first person who they fell in love with.

 

[Poohbear]

So I went back and read the original post...and this phrase "consider yourselves Christian's" to me is the most influential part of my response. When you do it G-d's way (avoid fornication; save sex for the marital relationship), that's the place in which the FULLNESS of the LORD's BLESSINGS can manifest.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!

 

[Poohbear]

I agree. My biggest struggle was fornication. I repented my sins, and I never went back. I met a wonderful man who respected my commitment to God, and he was also celibate. We did not have sex until we were married. It was a beautiful experience. No I was not a virgin, and neither was he, but we were both born again Christians and we lived our lives to please God. We both gave up premarital sex long before meeting each other.

The beauty of the Lord is that we always get a second chance. Thank God for that second chance, because It's never to late to change. In order to please God, you have to give up those things that go against his will.
When I became saved, I was a knew person. I didn't talk the same, I didn't walk the same, I was truly born again.

To the OP- I dated a few men after I became saved, and most were not open to waiting until marriage to have sex. One guy was really nice and we dated for a few months. One night at dinner, he told me he wanted to date me exclusively. I thought that was great. A couple weeks later, we were talking about sex, and I naturally assumed he was celibate- because he was born again, in theology school, and very active in his church. When I told him that I was not going to spend the night at his house, because I didn't like putting myself in "risky" situations, he was appalled. He told me, it was no way he could be with a woman and not have sex. That was our last conversation. I was turned off by him and he was turned off by me.

creolebeauty, that is wonderful!!! I am happy for you!!!

 

[Poohbear]

In relation to the original question,

Yes, I'm a Chrisian but I was not a virgin on my wedding night. Some of you know my story. In 1996, I became celibate. It was hard and many times I thought of giving in. At first, I thought that dating would be hard because guys wouldn't go for that. Then I realized that the right one would be in total support of it. In 1999, my now husband and I began our courtship. He was living the same lifestyle as I was and the celibacy was not an issue. Furthermore, we didn't rush into marriage just because we wanted to have sex--though it was tempting to want to rush.

So after 9 years of celibacy, hubby and I said "I do" in 2005 and the wedding night was special just as I desired it to be. I believe that sex before marriage would have cheapened our relationship and future marriage. I am glad that we did not explore that area until after marriage.

I completely agree with the poster that says that God gives us a second chance--He sure gave me one.

Another beautiful testimony!!!

 

[Precious_1]

I agree. My biggest struggle was fornication. I repented my sins, and I never went back. I met a wonderful man who respected my commitment to God, and he was also celibate. We did not have sex until we were married. It was a beautiful experience. No I was not a virgin, and neither was he, but we were both born again Christians and we lived our lives to please God. We both gave up premarital sex long before meeting each other.

The beauty of the Lord is that we always get a second chance. Thank God for that second chance, because It's never to late to change. In order to please God, you have to give up those things that go against his will.
When I became saved, I was a knew person. I didn't talk the same, I didn't walk the same, I was truly born again.

To the OP- I dated a few men after I became saved, and most were not open to waiting until marriage to have sex. One guy was really nice and we dated for a few months. One night at dinner, he told me he wanted to date me exclusively. I thought that was great. A couple weeks later, we were talking about sex, and I naturally assumed he was celibate- because he was born again, in theology school, and very active in his church. When I told him that I was not going to spend the night at his house, because I didn't like putting myself in "risky" situations, he was appalled. He told me, it was no way he could be with a woman and not have sex. That was our last conversation. I was turned off by him and he was turned off by me.

Thank you so much for your post, i have been dealing with this too, I was dating a guy too, who acted like he was a man of god and when i told him, we should not have sex because i felt like god would bless our relationship, he ran away. He told me "I cant do it" I said so you mean to tell me there is something you cant do for god? and that was it.

 

[Precious_1]

In relation to the original question,

Yes, I'm a Chrisian but I was not a virgin on my wedding night. Some of you know my story. In 1996, I became celibate. It was hard and many times I thought of giving in. At first, I thought that dating would be hard because guys wouldn't go for that. Then I realized that the right one would be in total support of it. In 1999, my now husband and I began our courtship. He was living the same lifestyle as I was and the celibacy was not an issue. Furthermore, we didn't rush into marriage just because we wanted to have sex--though it was tempting to want to rush.

So after 9 years of celibacy, hubby and I said "I do" in 2005 and the wedding night was special just as I desired it to be. I believe that sex before marriage would have cheapened our relationship and future marriage. I am glad that we did not explore that area until after marriage.

I completely agree with the poster that says that God gives us a second chance--He sure gave me one.

Supergirl, you and creolebeauty give me hope, that what I am asking for is not unreasonable. These men today, act like i have asked them to do the "unthinkable" or something. thanks ladies!

 

[VictoriousBrownFlower]

So, what if right after the 'I Dos" you are no longer physically compatible? Does that end the marriage, even though you are still compatible mentally and spiritually?

No not at all. Just like everything in life relationships are something you have to work at. Its inevidable problems will arise somewhere down the line if it isn't sex its something else. I think it is rediculous that people now a days give up so easily on something they supposedly vowed to dedicate the rest of their life to. By the way sex is the least important issue in sexually active relationships. I forgot where I read it but there was a study that before sex in a relationship it is a concern 90% of the time. In a sexually active relationship it is a concern 10% of the time. Then money becomes the top concern.