Sex First Then Relationship?

[likewtr4chklit]

Nope unfortunately I did not date before or during college. I went on my first date at 23. I live a kind of sheltered life... and I was very book-wormy (still am a bit) I'm going to sign out for the night. My lack of dating experience and common knowledge embarasses me right now.

You shouldn't be embarassed for having different priorities. Obviously your education was more important than dating at that time. There are men who share the same values, and you will find him

 

[glamazon386]

OP - I think this is pretty common. Amongst my friends it has been a mixed bag though. Current SO and I had sex before being "official". We didn't even have a conversation about being official it just kind of happened. We've been together over 2 years now. We are planning to get married when I finish grad school. As far as past relationships have gone, it depended on the person and the situation. I do it when I feel like it. In some instances that turned out to be never and homeboy got dumped. Everybody needs to do what's best for them and their situation.

 

[-Kąditty-]

I do not believe in sex outside of marriage. I am not sexually turned on by random men, just not. I never understood women when they would look at a random man and say "ooooh Tyrese, he make me so wet". For me, I have to connect on a deep level for me to even consider you sexually appealing. Every person is different though.

 

[glamazon386]

I do not believe in sex outside of marriage. I am not sexually turned on by random men, just not. I never understood women when they would look at a random man and say "ooooh Tyrese, he make me so wet". For me, I have to connect on a deep level for me to even consider you sexually appealing. Every person is different though.

I never understood that either.

 

[JustKiya]

Yeah, but with a lot of people doing this. How can people like me expect to not still be single for the next 5 years or for life when everybody out there expects this is the way to start a relationship? It's like if you don't want to have sex, then you don't want to have a relationship. I honestly didn't think this was the popular thing to do outside of college. I just started realizing this just this year and I'm 25.

The secret is - not everybody - male OR female - thinks like this. Yes, a lot of people do, but that just makes winnowing out the people who you most likely wouldn't click with. If you meet a man who is 'on the edge' and he wants you, he'll wait til you are ready. If you meet a man who wants sex first - he's not the one for you. If you meet a man who is happy and willing to wait - he might be the one for you.

As for me, I've had sex before every relationship I've ever been in, including my marriage of six years. No, wait, that's not true. I was in a relationship before I lost my virginity!

Overall, I think that it should be a individual choice - and I don't think that saying "I have to be in a relationship to have sex" - if that's not really what you want - is healthy.
I'd suspect that if you actually want sex more than you want a relationship - you might be more likely to enter into relationships that you shouldn't, all over some wang.

I do not believe in sex outside of marriage. I am not sexually turned on by random men, just not. I never understood women when they would look at a random man and say "ooooh Tyrese, he make me so wet". For me, I have to connect on a deep level for me to even consider you sexually appealing. Every person is different though.

Differing levels of libido. I suspect it sounds perfectly normal to most people when it's coming from a man "Oh, she's so hot I wanna bone her", with the associated rerouting of blood flow. It's a similar urge in a woman - we can be horndogs too, ya know?

 

[lesedi]

I have done this before and some of the relationships worked out and some didn't. I don't think me sleeping with them early on was a factor in how the relationships turned out.

 

[lesedi]

shameless bump

 

[cmw45]

I don't think the two have to be mutually exclusive (i.e. courting/intimacy). I'll let you know how it works out a year from now...

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

To the ladies that slept with the guys before committment....how'd you strike the balance between intimacy and courting? To the ladies that still ended up getting the committment what do you think was the contributing factor to that?

I think waiting for commitment would go along with who I am better....but my cousin says just go or it when it "feels right"....I can never tell when that is though

I guess my first time will happen when it happens I think I need to date alot of great men and just be open to the possibilities and let each relationship mature in its own pace. Every relationship is different.

 

[TokyoReina]

Overall, I think that it should be a individual choice - and I don't think that saying "I have to be in a relationship to have sex" - if that's not really what you want - is healthy.
I'd suspect that if you actually want sex more than you want a relationship - you might be more likely to enter into relationships that you shouldn't, all over some wang.

This is where I find myself quite often, so this struck a chord for me. There's a guy I talk to now that I don't want a relationship with...at all. However, I do want to sleep with him. But a part of me says that a relationship is supposed to come first...even if I don't want one. Drives me batty because, quite frankly, I'm not even looking for a relationship. What I feel and what I believe I should feel do not match.

 

[Dposh167]

To the ladies that slept with the guys before committment....how'd you strike the balance between intimacy and courting? To the ladies that still ended up getting the committment what do you think was the contributing factor to that?
.

that's a good question and to be hoenst, there really isn't a certain answer to look for. A lot can contribute to a guy who can separate intimacy with courting...(maturity, his interest in u, major feelings for u, experience). It's really a case by case basis. Some men can have sex with u early and still see u as girlfriend material for the future. And others will be the opposite.

What i've learned is that there are absolutely no rules. If u want to play the game, then do so. If not...I'd advise you don't. It's a beast out here lol

 

[JustKiya]

To the ladies that slept with the guys before committment....how'd you strike the balance between intimacy and courting? To the ladies that still ended up getting the committment what do you think was the contributing factor to that?

Hrm. The courting happened before the intimacy, on a daily basis, ya know? Being intimate doesn't mean you aren't being courted anymore, anymore than being married should mean that you aren't being courted anymore. The habits, behaviors, indications of interest and appreciation should - and must - continue - sexual interactions, or not.

As far as commitment goes - I never tied that to sex. Sex is a meeting of bodies and lust. Commitment is a meeting of minds and love. So, if we 'matched' well enough to move to that meeting of mind & heart - we chose to commit to each other. If we didn't - well, the sex was good.

This is where I find myself quite often, so this struck a chord for me. There's a guy I talk to now that I don't want a relationship with...at all. However, I do want to sleep with him. But a part of me says that a relationship is supposed to come first...even if I don't want one. Drives me batty because, quite frankly, I'm not even looking for a relationship. What I feel and what I believe I should feel do not match.

I'm not going to tell you to sleep with dude, but I will suggest that you and yourself sit down and have a really honest conversation over the next couple of weeks about the pro's and con's of what you feel and what you believe you should feel, and try to get those in line with each other. You might change your beliefs, or you might reaffirm them, and with that, bring your feelings into line with them. It's a odd spot to be, split between what you feel and what you believe you should feel, and remaining in that 'limbo' will open the door to you making choices that you might not actually want to. G'luck.

 

[tiara76]

Hrm. The courting happened before the intimacy, on a daily basis, ya know? Being intimate doesn't mean you aren't being courted anymore, anymore than being married should mean that you aren't being courted anymore. The habits, behaviors, indications of interest and appreciation should - and must - continue - sexual interactions, or not.

As far as commitment goes - I never tied that to sex. Sex is a meeting of bodies and lust. Commitment is a meeting of minds and love. So, if we 'matched' well enough to move to that meeting of mind & heart - we chose to commit to each other. If we didn't - well, the sex was good.



I'm not going to tell you to sleep with dude, but I will suggest that you and yourself sit down and have a really honest conversation over the next couple of weeks about the pro's and con's of what you feel and what you believe you should feel, and try to get those in line with each other. You might change your beliefs, or you might reaffirm them, and with that, bring your feelings into line with them. It's a odd spot to be, split between what you feel and what you believe you should feel, and remaining in that 'limbo' will open the door to you making choices that you might not actually want to. G'luck.

most internal conflict comes from not feeling what you "believe"

you have to be in align with yourself one way or another or you will be creating a living hell for yourself and its all in ur mind

 

[inspiration150]

It might have worked for some people. But I think this spells danger for some. We don't need no more statistics.

 

[username12]

I got the best piece of advice from a man (excuse the language):

The question he answered was why do all men go after sex while dating?

How can you develop friendships that develop into relationships when as soon as the guy friend you have expresses that he wants to **** you, you cut him off? I see ya'll talking about this all the time and from my female friends in real life. All men want to ****. If you like the guy and you don't want to **** him, but you think he is a potential for a relationship down the line, then you as a woman have to regulate that. Another word for it is game, but you have to give in order to take.

Too many women want to take. If you want the guy to hang around without f*cking, you must mix the right level of teasing, offering good convo, have similar interests, not calling him 24/7 about how your dates suck, etc. A grown man out here working is not trying spend time with you, phone you, text you, google chat (all the shyt ya'll like)...for months on end WITHOUT f*cking, if you are not offering something of value. Hell no.

Manage the men. Learn the art of seduction. How to keep men around, interested, without f*cking them. It's what grown women do.

If you keep dismissing the men that want to **** you out of your life, all that will remain left in your cell phone is homos, thugs, and ex's.

A hard working man with opitons, is going to want to hit. Get that through your head, embrace it, and move on. Tell him you are not f*cking him, but you like him. We like that sh*t. We feel we can **** you regardless of what you say, so we'll hang around.

But this is what happens, during the weeks or months we're hanging around trying to **** you, we're slowly learning that you can cook, that you have a good heart, a good job, have similar interests, etc.....soon, a man starts comparing all the chicks he's ****ing to you and he's like, "oh shyt, I'm starting to really like Jeanine, let me see what's up with her". Trust, a man respects a woman that's not f*cking. You just have to be able to manage the process like a champion.

Not speaking to a man anymore after he expresses he wants to sleep with you does not work most of the time. Say "Yes Larry, I appreciate your interest but it's not going down. You wanna go to this Knicks game next Tuesday though?" refocus the nicca, if you're a bad *****, best believe we are going to that game with you.....because we eventually feel we are going to break you down. After the game you eat, whatever, then send him home with a hard d*ck. After a while, he not only wants to hit, but he's appreciating your full package.

Every man you meet - that you are attracted to - should want to blow your back out - as a matter of fact, that desire in our eye should be turning you on. If you can manage the art of toning that down, then a potential relationship can develop. Stop complaining that a man always wants to hit, we are built for that. That's nature.

So it's all about the art of seduction, mind sex, how to seduce him without sex. It's a rare talent, but once you learn it, you will have dudes strung out on you.

Sure there are plenty of girls who had sex before relationships, but look at the quality of relationships today. I know far too many "good" men cheating, so starting a relationship with foundation of sex is dangerous.

Yea, sometimes it works out, but most times it doesn't, and you are worth more than the gamble. Women have destroyed the game, in the words of Dave Chapelle, p*ssy stock has plummeted. Men get sex so easily that it's not big deal. But if you can blow his mind, know how to stroke the male ego, appeal to his intermost desires, you can have any man you want without giving up your body.

For staters, I recommend reading The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.

 

[kismettt]

didn't have sex but i hooked up w/ my current SO and my ex before a relationship. with my ex,i had never done a thing with a male before and i was trying to act grown. he committed really quick but i was like "...idk..". with my current SO i wasn't interested in a relationship (this was about 3-4 months post ex) but i liked him. i lost my v to my current SO, so idk if i would have sex before a relationship but probably not. i've only had sex with someone i love, idk if anything else can compare or if i'd want to =/

my bff, i love her, but omg. she is so awful. she usually dates a guy for a bit and then once she has sex with him she loses interest. i dont think she has had the sex before relationship but guys always want to commit and she's like "eh...no". i'd feel bad for them but...guys do that all the time, so i just can't. haha

 

[HollyGolightly]

I've never been in a serious relationship where we bumped uglies before commitment. When I respect a guy, I like to take my time. If the guy isn't boyfriend material, then I treat them like a jump off and sleep with him as soon as I get the urge.

I want to be in a committed relationship now and I'm having trouble dating because men are so quick to push for sex. It's a huge turn off.

 

[ConsiderCamille]

I've had sex before we were in a relationship for my first boyfriend, but I am in college so I don't know if that makes a difference, but we've been together for 1.5 years and I don't know how things would have been different, we still have a great connection and good relationship

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

.........................................

 

[*SkolarStar*]

I got the best piece of advice from a man (excuse the language):

The question he answered was why do all men go after sex while dating?

Quote:
How can you develop friendships that develop into relationships when as soon as the guy friend you have expresses that he wants to **** you, you cut him off? I see ya'll talking about this all the time and from my female friends in real life. All men want to ****. If you like the guy and you don't want to **** him, but you think he is a potential for a relationship down the line, then you as a woman have to regulate that. Another word for it is game, but you have to give in order to take.

Too many women want to take. If you want the guy to hang around without f*cking, you must mix the right level of teasing, offering good convo, have similar interests, not calling him 24/7 about how your dates suck, etc. A grown man out here working is not trying spend time with you, phone you, text you, google chat (all the shyt ya'll like)...for months on end WITHOUT f*cking, if you are not offering something of value. Hell no.

Manage the men. Learn the art of seduction. How to keep men around, interested, without f*cking them. It's what grown women do.

If you keep dismissing the men that want to **** you out of your life, all that will remain left in your cell phone is homos, thugs, and ex's.

A hard working man with opitons, is going to want to hit. Get that through your head, embrace it, and move on. Tell him you are not f*cking him, but you like him. We like that sh*t. We feel we can **** you regardless of what you say, so we'll hang around.

But this is what happens, during the weeks or months we're hanging around trying to **** you, we're slowly learning that you can cook, that you have a good heart, a good job, have similar interests, etc.....soon, a man starts comparing all the chicks he's ****ing to you and he's like, "oh shyt, I'm starting to really like Jeanine, let me see what's up with her". Trust, a man respects a woman that's not f*cking. You just have to be able to manage the process like a champion.

Not speaking to a man anymore after he expresses he wants to sleep with you does not work most of the time. Say "Yes Larry, I appreciate your interest but it's not going down. You wanna go to this Knicks game next Tuesday though?" refocus the nicca, if you're a bad *****, best believe we are going to that game with you.....because we eventually feel we are going to break you down. After the game you eat, whatever, then send him home with a hard d*ck. After a while, he not only wants to hit, but he's appreciating your full package.

Every man you meet - that you are attracted to - should want to blow your back out - as a matter of fact, that desire in our eye should be turning you on. If you can manage the art of toning that down, then a potential relationship can develop. Stop complaining that a man always wants to hit, we are built for that. That's nature.

So it's all about the art of seduction, mind sex, how to seduce him without sex. It's a rare talent, but once you learn it, you will have dudes strung out on you.

Sure there are plenty of girls who had sex before relationships, but look at the quality of relationships today. I know far too many "good" men cheating, so starting a relationship with foundation of sex is dangerous.

Yea, sometimes it works out, but most times it doesn't, and you are worth more than the gamble. Women have destroyed the game, in the words of Dave Chapelle, p*ssy stock has plummeted. Men get sex so easily that it's not big deal. But if you can blow his mind, know how to stroke the male ego, appeal to his intermost desires, you can have any man you want without giving up your body.

For staters, I recommend reading The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.

The underlined points are very true. Especially that the p*ssy stock plummeting. (LOL @ refocus the nicca, reminds me of when a guy talks to a girl's chest instead of giving her eye contact)

Sooner than later it will crash. But I shall keep my investment and prey for a recovery and I advise everyone else do the same. In other words (since I have a tendency to get caught up in analogies), don't fall into the bs by having sex before exclusivity, just walk around it and watch your step.

 

[Farida]

Conventional wisdom says to know a person before you have sex with them.