Setting high standards within a marriage...

[hopeful]

Another important point:
"If a man thinks of his living space simply as a place where he gets gratified, where he can sit, where his woman "mothers" him and he doesn't have to take her out on a date...then he is going to dry her up, because she needs to feel good, she needs to get out there, and she needs to have some fun in her life with him. It is a masculine man's job to give that pleasure to her or risk losing her. It is a feminine woman's job to appreciate his efforts and respond joyfully."

The author often says that a feminine woman has to feel good to do good and a masculine man has to do good to feel good. I am finding this to be very true. My dd's computer crashed recently. Over the past few years my entire family looks to me to solve such problems . Why, I'm not sure because I am not a computer geek at all but I am a problem solver. Anyway, I tell her you can use my laptop for now, and your daddy will have to get your laptop fixed. She looks at me like seriously daddy? Lol. But I'm like yep, he's going to take care of it. So we tell him and he says okay. It takes him two weeks but he took care of it yesterday, plus got her the iPad she will need for school next year. And he felt great because he did good. I have found that when I take care of too much I don't feel good. I will feel satisfied, but not good. During the two weeks we waited for him to take care of her computer issues, I was tempted to either take over or to press him, but I did neither. I just kept saying, don't worry, daddy will take care of it.

Dr. Allen often points out that masculine men must be required to do certain things or they simply won't. Just like men must keep doing what they did to get us, to keep us, we must do the same. When we date our prospective husbands we are very clear that we need this and that in order for him to get this and that. As a wife we will need to continue to set standards as we did when dating. I know some dh's just get it, but unfortunately many don't.

 

[p31woman]

Great thread @hopeful!

By fault of my own, I have a tendency to make things easy and convenient for DH. Because of that, when he complains (be it, legit or not), I get defensive, because I am the one doing the majority of the work. I try to be understanding because at one point, he was working a lot of overtime, leaving me to do most of the housework and caring for our DS. I know there are some things that I have to handle because it’s my niche, but some of the stuff that I do handle, DH is capable of taking care of. I will say that now that he isn’t working all of those hours,I have gotten better at delegating more tasks to him.

Thanks again for this thread, I will definitely get the book.

This! I have been a giver all my life and it is tiring! Esp. when you feel it is being taken for granted. I am this way with everyone, not just DH. I would get burnt out at work, with friends and at home! I thought you were supposed to accommodate everyone and be extra nice and couldn't understand why I didn't feel fufilled about it. I have stories for days about my "niceness" being taken for granted by friends, co-workers...EVERYONE.

Slowly but surely I'm starting to understand that it's ok to handle myself first and that doesnt make me a bad person to do so.

One thing I had to learn was to not let his emotions dictate mine. He'd get upset then I'd get upset because he was upset- even if he was wrong, which would make me become easily manipulated. Just agreeing with anything. Now I'm like "oh you mad?"
In other words make sure you aren't being emotionally abused. Even if it want intentional this was what it all boiled down to.

I was just talking about this with my girlfriends on saturday. I have a tendancy to take on others issues and attitudes as my own and I have got to stop it. DH is mad, oh well. When you are ready to talk about it, then I'll entertain it, but I'll no longer get upset because he has an attitude or acts stupid.

 

[hopeful]

I think some of this is a reclaiming of our femininity. Reality is that in order to be successful in life, we have to use a lot of masculine energy. And I don't even like the labeling of feminine vs. masculine but don't know how else to describe what we are discussing here (Yin and Yang maybe Idk) but that's how this book approaches relationships and how many of of us view relationships. Anyway, my point is that most of us have to use a lot of masculine energy and it works well . As a student or worker or member of organizations, etc. we are primarily masculine, for lack of a better word. The book even describes mothering as masculine because it is so action-oriented and requires so much protective energy. All that said, it's easy to lose touch with our femininity. For many of us though, it's the sweet spot within a marriage.

 

[brownb83]

I think some of this is a reclaiming of our femininity. Reality is that in order to be successful in life, we have to use a lot of masculine energy. And I don't even like the labeling of feminine vs. masculine but don't know how else to describe what we are discussing here (Yin and Yang maybe Idk) but that's how this book approaches relationships and how many of of us view relationships. Anyway, my point is that most of us have to use a lot of masculine energy and it works well . As a student or worker or member of organizations, etc. we are primarily masculine, for lack of a better word. The book even describes mothering as masculine because it is so action-oriented and requires so much protective energy. All that said, it's easy to lose touch with our femininity. For many of us though, it's the sweet spot within a marriage.

Thx for this book and thread. I have gave until I was given out. Like I just can't. I am taking the rest of this year to focus on me. Pamper self and just think about me.

 

[ladysaraii]

I actually ordered a couple of books about assertiveness. I think they are called Compassionate Assertiveness and The Assertive Woman. I figured that would be a benefit since I too suffer from too-nice syndrome.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

I was just talking about this with my girlfriends on saturday. I have a tendancy to take on others issues and attitudes as my own and I have got to stop it. DH is mad, oh well. When you are ready to talk about it, then I'll entertain it, but I'll no longer get upset because he has an attitude or acts stupid.

Men are so fickle sometimes, this weekend he tried to pull one. I brushed it off, got pretty, and smiled widely as all his kinfolk at his family function fawned(genuinely) over how fresh and pretty I looked.
I'm just like we married now, build abridge and get over it- and I'm not helping with that bridge.

 

[kimpaur]

I'm dating someone now, who I intend to be FH and we're still pretty young so unfortunately I see a lot of these problems, particularly with the over giving. I'm definitely going to start using these tips and am probably gonna get the book. It's funny because I remember him telling me about this book he was reading about black men turning into(or remaining) boys because of over mothering and mothering relationships and he agreed, even in regards to himself. I just brushed it off because I didn't want him to feel bad or guilty and I think he stopped reading it after a few days. I'm gonna bring it up again and see what he says. GREAT thread!

 

[hopeful]

kimpaur I am intrigued...the guy you are dating brought up this topic on his own? I love it. Please update us on how he responds when you bring it up again. Maybe you guys can even read it (the book he was reading) together?

 

[miss cosmic]

Great thread OP i'm buying that book right now for my kindle.
I have made this mistake so many times (giving too much) that i'm now in danger of going to the opposite extreme and being cold-hearted

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Slll mini using LHCF

 

[miss cosmic]

...............
Double post

 

[miss cosmic]

I cant find the book in the kindle store can someone post a link or something? Thank you ladies.

 

[ladysaraii]

I cant find the book in the kindle store can someone post a link or something? Thank you ladies.

I don't think it's available on Kindle, it's only listing paperback and hardcover

 

[miss cosmic]

I don't think it's available on Kindle, it's only listing paperback and hardcover

I've just discovered that. I'm thoroughly disappointed. Any chance of a pdf.?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Slll mini using LHCF

 

[kimpaur]

hopeful yes, I wish I could remember the name of the book or the author, I just remember it being by a black male author. I will definitely bring it up and let you guys know how he responds!

 

[hopeful]

I've just discovered that. I'm thoroughly disappointed. Any chance of a pdf.?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Slll mini using LHCF

I just went ahead and bought the paperback and waited for it to arrive. It was worth it. Some of the book is a bit much for me, it's an older book and sometimes a little old-fashioned, but overall very helpful because I guess certain things and behaviors stand the test of time.

hopeful yes, I wish I could remember the name of the book or the author, I just remember it being by a black male author. I will definitely bring it up and let you guys know how he responds!

Hopefully he'll remember it and still have it.

 

[ladysaraii]

hopeful

Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

I'm reading it now and it's a good read. And it's by a man, so it's nice to have another gender perspective.

 

[hopeful]

ladysaraii I think I read it years ago when it first came out. I did recently read an online article from him that was very helpful. It was about intimacy and men taking their wives for granted and only being extra sweet when they wanted sex.

 

[MizAvalon]

Awesome thread per usual hopeful. You rock.

 

[Daughter]

Awesome thread per usual hopeful. You rock.

Agreed, I needed to read this. Honestly I feel close to burning out. My circumstances are a bit different but I am too giving and have neglected myself. Not an example I want my children to follow!

There's not many people offline that I feel I can ask for guidance with my marriage, unfortunately. I'm loving the wisdom I'm getting here!

 

[DaughterOfZion1]

How do you serve your husband then? I agree with what is being said but then I wonder will he think I'm being selfish?

I guess my question is how do you treat your husband like a king and serve him without being motherish?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

How do you serve your husband then? I agree with what is being said but then I wonder will he think I'm being selfish?

I guess my question is how do you treat your husband like a king and serve him without being motherish?

I think the difference is having your husband treat you like a queen, and you taking care of him in return vs. him allowing you to burn yourself out taking care of his needs while he ignores yours.

I've found that doing for my husband and hoping that will inspire him to meet my needs does not work at all. If I'm not obviously upset or angry with him, he assumes all my needs must be taken care of. I have to show him how to treat me instead of just giving and giving and hoping he'll take a hint. When you keep giving, he'll keep taking. Not out of malice, he just doesn't see the need to do anymore than what I require of him. Unless it's something that is inherently important to him, but our priorities aren't always aligned.

 

[hopeful]

How do you serve your husband then? I agree with what is being said but then I wonder will he think I'm being selfish?

I guess my question is how do you treat your husband like a king and serve him without being motherish?

I think that is the issue. If you spend more time on yourself you will look prettier and act sweeter which your dh will love. Generally speaking though our dh's should be serving us as in making our lives easier and making sure we feel loved, safe, and cared for. When he brings us sweet little gifts we express joy. We in turn do sweet things for them, but to a lesser degree. He should always be giving a little more and part of their happiness comes from us being happy and more peaceful. Yes, it's give and take, but overall they should be the givers and us the receivers. Bottom line is that a masculine man who loves you will give a lot and will enjoy problem-solving. We then will be sweeter, happier, sexier, etc. etc. and what man doesn't want a sweet-smelling, sexy, happier, more relaxed wife? I hope that makes sense. It's okay to make his plate but in a wifely way, a sexy way, not in a I'm tired, I've slaved in the kitchen for hours and now here I am serving you while you chill and drink beer way. We want to be careful about mothering and serving because that takes away from our femininity.

 

[DaughterOfZion1]

I think that is the issue. If you spend more time on yourself you will look prettier and act sweeter which your dh will love. Generally speaking though our dh's should be serving us as in making our lives easier and making sure we feel loved, safe, and cared for. When he brings us sweet little gifts we express joy. We in turn do sweet things for them, but to a lesser degree. He should always be giving a little more and part of their happiness comes from us being happy and more peaceful. Yes, it's give and take, but overall they should be the givers and us the receivers. Bottom line is that a masculine man who loves you will give a lot and will enjoy problem-solving. We then will be sweeter, happier, sexier, etc. etc. and what man doesn't want a sweet-smelling, sexy, happier, more relaxed wife? I hope that makes sense. It's okay to make his plate but in a wifely way, a sexy way, not in a I'm tired, I've slaved in the kitchen for hours and now here I am serving you while you chill and drink beer way. We want to be careful about mothering and serving because that takes away from our femininity.

Wow. This is invaluable information. Thank you ladies! I think a part of me feels that some of my allure comes from wanting to satisfy him in all ways possible and if I don't do that there are other women he could with that do.

But what I think I'm getting is that I'd you actually show him your needs by asking for help and asking him to do things you in turn can spend more time being a better you which makes him a happier man. It's not the acting like a mother piece that is the attraction but the womanhood sprinkled with service (fixing his plate, doing everyone laundry, etc). And you know it's not a mother child relationship when he can easily do those things as well because he doesn't view you as a mom but as a partner.

It's almost like he loves doing more because it allows you time to be a better you which is all he really wants and needs anyway.

Do I have this right? If so this is fascinating. It is definitely rocking my thoughts and ideas about a woman's role in a relationship.

Last night after my post I thought to myself if you think of a queen she's not a queen because he cleans up after her husband and feeds him (queens don't even do those things but I digress). She's his queen because she leads beside him, supports his dreams, helps him make decisions, does what it takes to see their vision come to pass. Funny enough those are the women they respect most (again this is not a don't ever clean or cook thing).

So we need to be queens, not maids with rings.

 

[DaughterOfZion1]

A perfect example of what I just said is Queen Esther and Xerxes in the bible. She was beautiful, God fearing, and intelligent. & he was mad about her. She was able to speak to him in such a way that he made major decisions and moves on her and her people's behalf. Never was she manipulative or naggy. Just a queen. Hmmmmm

 

[hopeful]

Wow. This is invaluable information. Thank you ladies! I think a part of me feels that some of my allure comes from wanting to satisfy him in all ways possible and if I don't do that there are other women he could with that do.

But what I think I'm getting is that I'd you actually show him your needs by asking for help and asking him to do things you in turn can spend more time being a better you which makes him a happier man. It's not the acting like a mother piece that is the attraction but the womanhood sprinkled with service (fixing his plate, doing everyone laundry, etc). And you know it's not a mother child relationship when he can easily do those things as well because he doesn't view you as a mom but as a partner.

It's almost like he loves doing more because it allows you time to be a better you which is all he really wants and needs anyway.

Do I have this right? If so this is fascinating. It is definitely rocking my thoughts and ideas about a woman's role in a relationship.

Last night after my post I thought to myself if you think of a queen she's not a queen because he cleans up after her husband and feeds him (queens don't even do those things but I digress). She's his queen because she leads beside him, supports his dreams, helps him make decisions, does what it takes to see their vision come to pass. Funny enough those are the women they respect most (again this is not a don't ever clean or cook thing).

So we need to be queens, not maids with rings.

Every relationship looks different. I don't fix dh's plate but I know a lot of ladies do. Some men do the cooking or cleaning or both. It's about what works couple to couple. I think one of the most important things is that you feel good, beautiful, happy, appreciated. Some women are more about cooking and cleaning than others. Some women love love to cook and it is never a burden.

Now to the first bolded. Yes, perhaps there is someone who will do what you won't do. But isn't that always the case? A little boy will be completely focused on his needs all of the time but a man has to be focused on pleasing his wife. My point is I personally don't want a little boy who's me me me and thinking well if she won't do it, someone else will . My personality would be do you boo. Worrying about someone else doing a better job rubs me the wrong way.

To the second bolded, I am no one's maid, period. Not happening. And when's the last time you heard a guy say he was crazy about a girl because she cleaned so well? That is rarely number one on any man's list. We all have to figure out what works for us and what we want. For each woman it is different. We have to stay in touch with our feelings and make sure that for the most part we feel good within our marriage.

 

[IslandMummy]

First, I absolutely positively love love love your threads posts nuggets of information. I always walk away with insight.

I am stuck at DD's therapy now due to this crazy weather but will be back

 

[hopeful]

I actually ordered a couple of books about assertiveness. I think they are called Compassionate Assertiveness and The Assertive Woman. I figured that would be a benefit since I too suffer from too-nice syndrome.

ladysaraii
Don't forget to come back and update us on your books about assertiveness.

 

[ladysaraii]

@ladysaraii
Don't forget to come back and update us on your books about assertiveness.

Will do, I started one called The Courage to be Yourself and it's geared towards women. Hopefully I can finish it this weekend

The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem

 

[daviine]

I know I'm late to the thread but I wish I had read this (and other relationship forum topics) before I got married.

The single ladies of LHCF are so lucky to have all this advice and experience available to help them make informed choices.

I'm the oldest child and my sister learns from all of my mistakes and experiences. Great for her but I wish I had the same. Not sure how pathetic this is but LHCF is where I learn a lot about different perspectives and experiences. Unfortunately, I don't have time to read everything.

Off to read the thread now.

 

[Southernbella.]

I think that is the issue. If you spend more time on yourself you will look prettier and act sweeter which your dh will love. Generally speaking though our dh's should be serving us as in making our lives easier and making sure we feel loved, safe, and cared for. When he brings us sweet little gifts we express joy. We in turn do sweet things for them, but to a lesser degree. He should always be giving a little more and part of their happiness comes from us being happy and more peaceful. Yes, it's give and take, but overall they should be the givers and us the receivers. Bottom line is that a masculine man who loves you will give a lot and will enjoy problem-solving. We then will be sweeter, happier, sexier, etc. etc. and what man doesn't want a sweet-smelling, sexy, happier, more relaxed wife? I hope that makes sense. It's okay to make his plate but in a wifely way, a sexy way, not in a I'm tired, I've slaved in the kitchen for hours and now here I am serving you while you chill and drink beer way. We want to be careful about mothering and serving because that takes away from our femininity.

This. All day.

I'm starting to see things about men that I never saw when I was younger. I can tell how a man treats his wife (queen vs. maid) by the way he talks. Typically, these are also the men who demand complete deference ad submission. So they have their wives working full-time outside the home, coming home and cooking/cleaning/taking care of the kids, then putting it down in the bedroom, PLUS treating him like a king and obeying everything he says.

What are the wives getting out of these relationships?

Part if me thinks these men have very little power or get little respect outside the home and therefore expect their wives to make them "feel like a man". Their wives don't ever get the chance to feel like a lady because they're ripping and running trying to make him happy.

These marriages are all take and no give on the man's part. I feel sorry for the wives because many of us have gotten the message that if you get a "good man" (especially a good black man), you better do whatever it takes to "keep him." This leads to women feeling less like a prize and more like she lucked out and has to work harder than he does in the marriage.

Wives have got to feel more like the prize. It will always ebb and flow but I think true good men bust their butts to make sure their wives feel happy, secure, and special. NOT the other way around.

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