Setting high standards within a marriage...

[hopeful]

I know we talk a lot to single ladies about setting standards. You know, things like require that he call more, vs. texting, that he take you out on "real" dates, pays, opens doors, has similar goals and values, no sex without commitment, etc. But I would like to talk about setting standards within a marriage. I think sometimes men slack once they get married or they have no idea how to be a good husband or they have so many issues from childhood that they are not willing or able to resolve. It seems to me that women sometimes feel stuck because they want to stay and be married so badly so they just kind of stew, suffer, become bitter, fuss, etc. It's clear cut when he's a drunk, won't work, is abusive, cheating, and even then it's not always easy to leave, but it's more straight forward. Like you know you deserve better than a cheater or an abuser. You know that. I found that whereas for women there are a lot of gray areas, for men things are more black and white. And so if it's not a deal breaker for us, it's not for them either.

I hope I'm not rambling. Really trying to get to my point. Like most women know what they absolutely won't tolerate. Like no matter how good looking a guy is, if he smelled badly or didn't have a job, we wouldn't even think twice, like no I will not date you keep it moving homie. And within a marriage if the dh was like yeah I want to sleep with you and your best friend, you would be like, not just no, but hell no. And so dh's know what not to ask and what you won't tolerate. So why do we tolerate so many other bad behaviors? Those things that people say well that's just how men are or well girl, you can't have everything.

I think the bottom line is that as wives we must set the standards and require that they be met. And it must be black and white, clear cut. I must have this or else . Things like flowers, sharing the load with housekeeping and child-rearing, taking you out on dates. Men need to understand that just like they had to do certain things to get you to marry them, they must do certain things to keep you, period.

This thread I hope will be ideas and techniques on how to get what you want and need as the wife, as a woman within a marriage. I have some suggestions and ideas but I'm tired after writing alladat. I'll add more later.

Ladies, any suggestions, thoughts, encouragement for married sisters?

 

[sunnieb]

hopeful - you come up with the best threads!

I don't know if this is in line with what you want, but I've often had to let dh know that I ain't puttin' up with certain ish and if he wanted to leave, then LEAVE.

Now years later, even during our worst arguments, he's never been dumb enough to pack a bag and act like he's leaving me. I don't frickin' play with that. I know my worth and I let him know that as much as I love him, I would be fine without him. I refuse to beg him (or any man) to stay with me.

I kind of rambled here, I'll be back if I think of more......

 

[hopeful]

Thank you sunnieb
I think my thoughts are similar to yours. I just keep seeing where the married women are dealing with so much frustration and I think we all need a little help. I have more to say but I'm tired and have to finish one last assignment for a class I'm taking. I'll be back tomorrow.

 

[Afro Puff]

I just read the thread title and nothing else

You teach people how to treat you.

Normally, you set standards at the very beginning of a relationship. From the 1st time you meet the guy onwards... Usually when you set the foundation for good treatment & respect early on, then he doesn't veer too far from the standard you set even after marriage. You can't be too lax about consistently accepting bad behavior after marriage. Or else...

 

[Mai Tai]

This thread is going to come in handy for me. My FH already treats me very well but sometimes I can't help but get fearful from stories I hear from both men and women on how their spouse changed for the negative after "I do."

 

[Tamrin]

I agree that you have to teach people how to treat you. One day he worked up the nerve to say I was acting like a itch. I told him you have no idea and if he ever worked up the nerve to say that word ever again in my presence he best be packed and ready to go walk. I have learned with ago that I will not sacrifice my standards for anyone dh, fam or friend. Im one to give people plenty of chain to work with but push it beyond my limits I will yank that chain with a quickness. No matter who you are. Dh specifically because that is the one person in my life who should know better.

 

[hopeful]

I'm reading a book right now called Getting To "I Do" The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!. Even though I'm already married I thought it would be helpful because someone on this forum recommended it, can't remember who, and I thought it would be helpful because it talks about how women can get what they want.

The author says, "The feminine energy is not giving...women must give back to men who graciously give, protect, and cherish first...When a man can give, protect, and cherish his woman above himself, he has matured to "selflessness" and he will be rewarded by those he loves...A masculine-energy man does not marry a woman who gives to him, unless he is a "little boy" who wants to be mothered."

I think this is very telling because many of us were raised to believe that giving is feminine. A lot of black men were raised by mothers who spoiled them and gave them too much which encouraged them to believe that women should be the givers. I'm thinking no wonder so many women are exhausted. They are being the man in the relationship without even realizing it.

I have always thought that I was very feminine but I was taught at a very young age to be selfless by both my mother and especially my father. The book goes on to explain that a father who takes is being feminine. But if you are a little girl and your father is taking you assume that is the masculine role because you don't know any better. And you assume the selfless giver is feminine because you are a girl.

I know that some women have masculine energy and want a man to be the feminine energy, but I believe most women crave to be the feminine energy in a relationship and want to be cherished, protected, and given to. Of course the woman gives in return but only after or in response to the man. And she says you never give as much. I think she is really onto something because so many of us give give give first, waiting for it to be reciprocated. I think a lot of us have it backwards. And sometimes I think things start off right but the woman tries to be too helpful all the time, too nice, and if the guy has that underlying tendency to take, he will. Sometimes this over giving nature kicks in after becoming a mother and the wife becomes a mother to everyone in the family.

Like I said I'm just reading this and wanted to share. Still digesting it.

 

[sweetvi]

hopeful



I might get that book! My weakness is exactly how you described and men can sniff that. I don't know how to say no and I used to be a giver!! I've even felt guilty receiving and gave even more than what I received ...... I'm am now in a zone where I can accept and not feel guilty or have to outshine...

 

[ladysaraii]

hopeful

I just finished reading that book and it was very thought provoking. That very passage you quoted is one that stood out to me. I know I talked about it in a thread we had recently.

I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts once you finish

 

[hopeful]

hopeful

I just finished reading that book and it was very thought provoking. That very passage you quoted is one that stood out to me. I know I talked about it in a thread we had recently.

I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts once you finish

Yes ladysaraii it must have been you, I knew someone had mentioned it recently. I bought it because of you then . Interesting that the same passage stood out to both of us. I'm sure I will finish it quickly and will share more of my thoughts. But for sure that passage is profound.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

Yes ladysaraii it must have been you, I knew someone had mentioned it recently. I bought it because of you then . Interesting that the same passage stood out to both of us. I'm sure I will finish it quickly and will share more of my thoughts. But for sure that passage is profound.

I am listening to Dr Pat Allen on YouTube, wow she has been married 4 times...she is very honest about her background. But good advice on female and masculine energy

 

[Brwnbeauti]

One thing I had to learn was to not let his emotions dictate mine. He'd get upset then I'd get upset because he was upset- even if he was wrong, which would make me become easily manipulated. Just agreeing with anything. Now I'm like "oh you mad?"
In other words make sure you aren't being emotionally abused. Even if it want intentional this was what it all boiled down to.

 

[trclemons]

I'm reading a book right now called Getting To "I Do" The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!. Even though I'm already married I thought it would be helpful because someone on this forum recommended it, can't remember who, and I thought it would be helpful because it talks about how women can get what they want.

The author says, "The feminine energy is not giving...women must give back to men who graciously give, protect, and cherish first...When a man can give, protect, and cherish his woman above himself, he has matured to "selflessness" and he will be rewarded by those he loves...A masculine-energy man does not marry a woman who gives to him, unless he is a "little boy" who wants to be mothered."

I think this is very telling because many of us were raised to believe that giving is feminine. A lot of black men were raised by mothers who spoiled them and gave them too much which encouraged them to believe that women should be the givers. I'm thinking no wonder so many women are exhausted. They are being the man in the relationship without even realizing it.

I have always thought that I was very feminine but I was taught at a very young age to be selfless by both my mother and especially my father. The book goes on to explain that a father who takes is being feminine. But if you are a little girl and your father is taking you assume that is the masculine role because you don't know any better. And you assume the selfless giver is feminine because you are a girl.

I know that some women have masculine energy and want a man to be the feminine energy, but I believe most women crave to be the feminine energy in a relationship and want to be cherished, protected, and given to. Of course the woman gives in return but only after or in response to the man. And she says you never give as much. I think she is really onto something because so many of us give give give first, waiting for it to be reciprocated. I think a lot of us have it backwards. And sometimes I think things start off right but the woman tries to be too helpful all the time, too nice, and if the guy has that underlying tendency to take, he will. Sometimes this over giving nature kicks in after becoming a mother and the wife becomes a mother to everyone in the family.

Like I said I'm just reading this and wanted to share. Still digesting it.

Thanks for sharing this. I just ordered my copy of this book and sent an email out to my friends. Your synopsis clearly explained what I have been doing wrong all these years.

 

[trclemons]

One thing I had to learn was to not let his emotions dictate mine. He'd get upset then I'd get upset because he was upset- even if he was wrong, which would make me become easily manipulated. Just agreeing with anything. Now I'm like "oh you mad?"
In other words make sure you aren't being emotionally abused. Even if it want intentional this was what it all boiled down to.

OMG! You are so right. I never even thought of it like that. You've given me a lot to reflect on.

 

[Southernbella.]

Great thread!

Dh has very high standards for himself, so that definitely helped. Like even though I was a sahm, he took over when he got home because he has always wanted to be a hands-on father. He travels a lot now but when he's home, same thing.

He's just really good at stuff like that. It's moreso the intangible, emotional stuff that I had to set standards on. Like communication is a must. I don't believe in sweeping things under the rug or skulking around with no explanation. It took me years...yes years lol...to get him to meet my standards for emotional availability. It was something I just wouldn't back down on. You might remember me saying I would just accept it since he did so much but I went back on that because it's something I need. I was adamant and finally, I got through.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[Southernbella.]

I'm reading a book right now called Getting To "I Do" The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!. Even though I'm already married I thought it would be helpful because someone on this forum recommended it, can't remember who, and I thought it would be helpful because it talks about how women can get what they want.

The author says, "The feminine energy is not giving...women must give back to men who graciously give, protect, and cherish first...When a man can give, protect, and cherish his woman above himself, he has matured to "selflessness" and he will be rewarded by those he loves...A masculine-energy man does not marry a woman who gives to him, unless he is a "little boy" who wants to be mothered."

I think this is very telling because many of us were raised to believe that giving is feminine. A lot of black men were raised by mothers who spoiled them and gave them too much which encouraged them to believe that women should be the givers. I'm thinking no wonder so many women are exhausted. They are being the man in the relationship without even realizing it.

I have always thought that I was very feminine but I was taught at a very young age to be selfless by both my mother and especially my father. The book goes on to explain that a father who takes is being feminine. But if you are a little girl and your father is taking you assume that is the masculine role because you don't know any better. And you assume the selfless giver is feminine because you are a girl.

I know that some women have masculine energy and want a man to be the feminine energy, but I believe most women crave to be the feminine energy in a relationship and want to be cherished, protected, and given to. Of course the woman gives in return but only after or in response to the man. And she says you never give as much. I think she is really onto something because so many of us give give give first, waiting for it to be reciprocated. I think a lot of us have it backwards. And sometimes I think things start off right but the woman tries to be too helpful all the time, too nice, and if the guy has that underlying tendency to take, he will. Sometimes this over giving nature kicks in after becoming a mother and the wife becomes a mother to everyone in the family.

Like I said I'm just reading this and wanted to share. Still digesting it.

This is deep. Wow.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[hopeful]

Thanks for the feedback ladies.

 

[Britt]

I'm reading a book right now called Getting To "I Do" The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!. Even though I'm already married I thought it would be helpful because someone on this forum recommended it, can't remember who, and I thought it would be helpful because it talks about how women can get what they want.

The author says, "The feminine energy is not giving...women must give back to men who graciously give, protect, and cherish first...When a man can give, protect, and cherish his woman above himself, he has matured to "selflessness" and he will be rewarded by those he loves...A masculine-energy man does not marry a woman who gives to him, unless he is a "little boy" who wants to be mothered."

I think this is very telling because many of us were raised to believe that giving is feminine. A lot of black men were raised by mothers who spoiled them and gave them too much which encouraged them to believe that women should be the givers. I'm thinking no wonder so many women are exhausted. They are being the man in the relationship without even realizing it.

I have always thought that I was very feminine but I was taught at a very young age to be selfless by both my mother and especially my father. The book goes on to explain that a father who takes is being feminine. But if you are a little girl and your father is taking you assume that is the masculine role because you don't know any better. And you assume the selfless giver is feminine because you are a girl.

I know that some women have masculine energy and want a man to be the feminine energy, but I believe most women crave to be the feminine energy in a relationship and want to be cherished, protected, and given to. Of course the woman gives in return but only after or in response to the man. And she says you never give as much. I think she is really onto something because so many of us give give give first, waiting for it to be reciprocated. I think a lot of us have it backwards. And sometimes I think things start off right but the woman tries to be too helpful all the time, too nice, and if the guy has that underlying tendency to take, he will. Sometimes this over giving nature kicks in after becoming a mother and the wife becomes a mother to everyone in the family.

Like I said I'm just reading this and wanted to share. Still digesting it.

Thanks for every word of this... def jogs my memory to my upbringing and my family and how it's affected me in relationships with men and even friends.

 

[Layluh]

nevermind................

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Great thread!

Dh has very high standards for himself, so that definitely helped. Like even though I was a sahm, he took over when he got home because he has always wanted to be a hands-on father. He travels a lot now but when he's home, same thing.

He's just really good at stuff like that. It's moreso the intangible, emotional stuff that I had to set standards on. Like communication is a must. I don't believe in sweeping things under the rug or skulking around with no explanation. It took me years...yes years lol...to get him to meet my standards for emotional availability. It was something I just wouldn't back down on. You might remember me saying I would just accept it since he did so much but I went back on that because it's something I need. I was adamant and finally, I got through.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

I can relate to this. DH is great - great dad, great provider, hard worker, attractive, faithful, family man - all of the common must haves, and it seems crazy that I have actually thought of leaving him because I feel like he is emotionally unsupportive. It's something that's really hard to even describe because it's so intangible, and I've struggled with whether I'm crazy for not just appreciating all those good qualities, and accepting that he isn't perfect. But I need him to be emotionally available. I just do and I won't feel guilty for needing that. We've been working on it and he is starting to get it and it is getting better. I'm feeling more "covered".

 

[hopeful]

FoxxyLocs . You articulated this very well, thank you so much for sharing. It is very hard to explain unless you experience it. On the outside, to others, everything appears perfect.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

@FoxxyLocs . You articulated this very well, thank you so much for sharing. It is very hard to explain unless you experience it. On the outside, to others, everything appears perfect.

So true. And it should be perfect. We are so blessed. We have fun together, we travel, we go on dates every single week, we don't argue about money or the kids or in-laws. No crazy exes, no cheating, nothing. But when I need to sit down and have a heart to heart about something, I get rolleyes:.

 

[hopeful]

Okay, still reading the book, still pondering some things. Another important element to the book is self-love. Remembering always to love yourself more within the relationship. Focusing on being beautiful, smelling good, soft skin, feeling sexy, etc., but not on giving. Last night our cable went out. My first instinct is to make the call and take care of it. After all I had spent the day shopping while dh had been working all day. I instead pulled out the number for him. He looked...perplexed. Then he looks at our 20 year-old daughter who is home from college (and who had also been shopping all day, with me) and says do you think you can make the call? I give him a look and he takes the phone and makes the call. I go upstairs to freshen up and get pretty , go back downstairs, he is talking to the cable people, looking frustrated, I go back upstairs to finish getting pretty. I put on a maxi dress lounging thingy, a pretty scarf, and return downstairs. Cable's back on, he's watching the game, looks up, and says you look pretty. I smile and say thanks. The entire time I focused on self-love and beauty, not on giving or helping him, I am always trying to make things easier for those I love, but it is draining. Instead of focusing on others I replenished from my long day of shopping. Even though I don't work outside the home, I had done "mommy" work, taking my dd shopping to find a dress for an upcoming event, driving in traffic, etc. and so I was tired when I got home too.

I also had an issue earlier in the day that I needed him to help me resolve. He initially said he could not help because he was too busy at work. I said, oh okay, I guess I'll have to figure it out. But I didn't sound happy about it, because I wasn't. I would normally try to make him feel better for not being able to help me. Like say something like no it's okay, I didn't give you much notice . But I didn't feel like being nice. I hang up, 5-4-3-2-1, he calls back and has solved the problem. The author says that men love solving problems and that little boys want mommy to help them, men enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of solving problems on their own.

Okay, just kind of experimenting and thinking out loud. There is so much power in simply being a woman. And sometimes giving too much can actually diminish your femininity vs. enhance it.

 

[Nyssa28]

Great thread hopeful!

By fault of my own, I have a tendency to make things easy and convenient for DH. Because of that, when he complains (be it, legit or not), I get defensive, because I am the one doing the majority of the work. I try to be understanding because at one point, he was working a lot of overtime, leaving me to do most of the housework and caring for our DS. I know there are some things that I have to handle because it’s my niche, but some of the stuff that I do handle, DH is capable of taking care of. I will say that now that he isn’t working all of those hours,I have gotten better at delegating more tasks to him.

Thanks again for this thread, I will definitely get the book.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Okay, still reading the book, still pondering some things. Another important element to the book is self-love. Remembering always to love yourself more within the relationship. Focusing on being beautiful, smelling good, soft skin, feeling sexy, etc., but not on giving. Last night our cable went out. My first instinct is to make the call and take care of it. After all I had spent the day shopping while dh had been working all day. I instead pulled out the number for him. He looked...perplexed. Then he looks at our 20 year-old daughter who is home from college (and who had also been shopping all day, with me) and says do you think you can make the call? I give him a look and he takes the phone and makes the call. I go upstairs to freshen up and get pretty , go back downstairs, he is talking to the cable people, looking frustrated, I go back upstairs to finish getting pretty. I put on a maxi dress lounging thingy, a pretty scarf, and return downstairs. Cable's back on, he's watching the game, looks up, and says you look pretty. I smile and say thanks. The entire time I focused on self-love and beauty, not on giving or helping him, I am always trying to make things easier for those I love, but it is draining. Instead of focusing on others I replenished from my long day of shopping. Even though I don't work outside the home, I had done "mommy" work, taking my dd shopping to find a dress for an upcoming event, driving in traffic, etc. and so I was tired when I got home too.

I also had an issue earlier in the day that I needed him to help me resolve. He initially said he could not help because he was too busy at work. I said, oh okay, I guess I'll have to figure it out. But I didn't sound happy about it, because I wasn't. I would normally try to make him feel better for not being able to help me. Like say something like no it's okay, I didn't give you much notice . But I didn't feel like being nice. I hang up, 5-4-3-2-1, he calls back and has solved the problem. The author says that men love solving problems and that little boys want mommy to help them, men enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of solving problems on their own.

Okay, just kind of experimenting and thinking out loud. There is so much power in simply being a woman. And sometimes giving too much can actually diminish your femininity vs. enhance it.

I swear y'all stay dropping so much wisdom.....about problem solving...a few months ago I moved. Someone gave me a bed but I had to drive to PA to get it.... (I'm in MD). SO asked if I needed help several times but I knew he was with his daughter and family so I said I had it covered. It was a holiday weekend. It started to rain on the way, and we ended up loosing the bed off of the top of my truck (I know dumb) cause it wasn't secured tightly. It was just a mess. When I told him about what happened a few days later he was livid....I was shocked, like why was he mad. He went into how he is there to support me and how he would have taken care of it and he felt bad because that whole situation was something I shouldn't have even had to deal with. I have never had that before and it had me scratching my head for a LONNNNGG time, but it makes so much sense now....

 

[ladysaraii]

Okay, still reading the book, still pondering some things. Another important element to the book is self-love. Remembering always to love yourself more within the relationship. Focusing on being beautiful, smelling good, soft skin, feeling sexy, etc., but not on giving. Last night our cable went out. My first instinct is to make the call and take care of it. After all I had spent the day shopping while dh had been working all day. I instead pulled out the number for him. He looked...perplexed. Then he looks at our 20 year-old daughter who is home from college (and who had also been shopping all day, with me) and says do you think you can make the call? I give him a look and he takes the phone and makes the call. I go upstairs to freshen up and get pretty , go back downstairs, he is talking to the cable people, looking frustrated, I go back upstairs to finish getting pretty. I put on a maxi dress lounging thingy, a pretty scarf, and return downstairs. Cable's back on, he's watching the game, looks up, and says you look pretty. I smile and say thanks. The entire time I focused on self-love and beauty, not on giving or helping him, I am always trying to make things easier for those I love, but it is draining. Instead of focusing on others I replenished from my long day of shopping. Even though I don't work outside the home, I had done "mommy" work, taking my dd shopping to find a dress for an upcoming event, driving in traffic, etc. and so I was tired when I got home too.

I also had an issue earlier in the day that I needed him to help me resolve. He initially said he could not help because he was too busy at work. I said, oh okay, I guess I'll have to figure it out. But I didn't sound happy about it, because I wasn't. I would normally try to make him feel better for not being able to help me. Like say something like no it's okay, I didn't give you much notice . But I didn't feel like being nice. I hang up, 5-4-3-2-1, he calls back and has solved the problem. The author says that men love solving problems and that little boys want mommy to help them, men enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of solving problems on their own.

Okay, just kind of experimenting and thinking out loud. There is so much power in simply being a woman. And sometimes giving too much can actually diminish your femininity vs. enhance it.

That was another thing that stood out to me and one of my biggest issues. I liked how she talked about men falling in love and needing to love us more than themselves. but we need to love ourselves more than them and simply share our love with them.

It's so simple, but so the opposite of how we have been taught. And I think that my problem is that we're taught that thinking like that is selfish, it's unequal and unfair, but in reality, a little selfishness might be the most selfless thing we can do.

 

[ThickHair]

hopeful Even though I am not married, this topic is on point for when I connect with my King.

Again, you have the best topics and replies.

 

[MRJ1972]

I can relate to this. DH is great - great dad, great provider, hard worker, attractive, faithful, family man - all of the common must haves, and it seems crazy that I have actually thought of leaving him because I feel like he is emotionally unsupportive. It's something that's really hard to even describe because it's so intangible, and I've struggled with whether I'm crazy for not just appreciating all those good qualities, and accepting that he isn't perfect. But I need him to be emotionally available. I just do and I won't feel guilty for needing that. We've been working on it and he is starting to get it and it is getting better. I'm feeling more "covered".

Im no longer in my relationship but I constantly heard "dont leave that good man" from people who are on the outside looking in. Having a partner who is emotionally unavailable is a hard thing to deal with. In my case, I started doing the same thing to him to protect my feelings and it went downhill really fast.

 

[MRJ1972]

hopeful


I absolutely love your threads. I hope to apply all of these words of wisdom in my next relationship.

 

[hopeful]

That was another thing that stood out to me and one of my biggest issues. I liked how she talked about men falling in love and needing to love us more than themselves. but we need to love ourselves more than them and simply share our love with them.

It's so simple, but so the opposite of how we have been taught. And I think that my problem is that we're taught that thinking like that is selfish, it's unequal and unfair, but in reality, a little selfishness might be the most selfless thing we can do.

I agree.

hopeful Even though I am not married, this topic is on point for when I connect with my King.

Again, you have the best topics and replies.

Thank you ThickHair .

This topic made me think about my grandmother, bless her heart. Early in my marriage, after I had my first child and had become a sahm, my grandmother told me that I was so lucky to have married my dh because I didn't have to work. I said we are both lucky. Well she, my mother, and my aunts , who were there too, said oh of course he is lucky. But I could tell that they were annoyed that I didn't think he was the prize. None of the women in my life had ever told me that dh was lucky, so why would I want to high five me being lucky? I was annoyed that the very people who should be lifting me up, were more concerned with lifting up my husband. Throughout my marriage I have been told that I was lucky by women, men have always told me and dh that he was lucky. The occasional woman would say so.

My point is that men are not supposed to be put on a pedestal . You can admire them and respect, but put them on a pedestal? No. We are the ones who are supposed to be cherished by our men and put on a pedestal.