Separation/Divorce after infidelity

[PocaNJ]

A lil long but.....Ladies, how would/did you deal with the sadness and disappointment of divorce after your husband is unfaithful?
I found out that my Stbx was cheating with a so-called minister a little over a year ago. We went to counseling,etc but he continued. She (fake minister) also knew all about it and would make lil nasty comments on social media to goad me. We are now separated and going through divorce, but I feel as though I'm getting the bad end of everything. His life is progressing (career, etc) and everything is going great for him and that chick, but I am struggling trying to cope with a life on my own.
Any help on how to handle all of this negative crap??

 

[JaneBond007]

Look to the future and dig into what you know you are. Soon, all fake things will crumble and you'll be victorious. Are you saying 2 ministers knew about it and one of them was the mistress? What's an STBX? Find another house of worship and don't feel led by others. Forge your own path. Tis better to be safe and alone in your clean bed where you're respected than to be in danger and disrespected in a lie.

 

[PocaNJ]

Look to the future and dig into what you know you are. Soon, all fake things will crumble and you'll be victorious. Are you saying 2 ministers knew about it and one of them was the mistress? What's an STBX? Find another house of worship and don't feel led by others. Forge your own path. Tis better to be safe and alone in your clean bed where you're respected than to be in danger and disrespected in a lie.

No. My soon-to-be-ex (stbx) is an attorney and he cheated on me with a minister. They met at his job because she's also a courier/mail deliverer for law firms.
It's been so difficult because it seems that everything is so great for them but that my life is falling apart.

 

[Holla]

No. My soon-to-be-ex (stbx) is an attorney and he cheated on me with a minister. They met at his job because she's also a courier/mail deliverer for law firms.
It's been so difficult because it seems that everything is so great for them but that my life is falling apart.

Their lives are not that great. A liar got with a cheater so they deserve each other anyway. But given their character flaws, TRUST they probably have other issues as well. You want no part of that.

 

[PocaNJ]

Their lives are not that great. A liar got with a cheater so they deserve each other anyway. But given their character flaws, TRUST they probably have other issues as well. You want no part of that.

Thanks. I just feel so depressed about it. I don't want to get back with him (because of the lying, cheating) but I hate that I have to basically start my life over because of him.

 

[movingforward13]

When I found out my ex was cheating---- I looked everything infidelity related online. A forum actually got me through all of it www.survivinginfidelity.com. I did a LOT of reading and listening to the advice.
Trust me, it may look like his life is great but it really isn't. Once the infatuation wears off (maybe it already has), the cracks start to show. Did you go no contact with him? Even if you two share kids, I wouldn't speak to him. If he HAS to contact you, do everything via e-mail. It is more complicated than that but the general contact is to heal yourself by not speaking to him and putting your focus back on you.

 

[movingforward13]

If you need someone to talk to, write me in my inbox. I know how it feels. I am 2 years out from D-Day and 1 years from my divorce. My life is different now but I am still healing.

 

[okange76]

Have faith and tap into your support networks. I've never been married but the people I know who went through this, are more at peace years later. Grieve for the end of your marriage and let everything out. Allow all your emotions out but don't be alone. Talk to a close girlfriend, your sister, mother, minister or therapist if you can.

As for those two, they will reap what they sow. Dude has no idea how many guys she met on her mail route. He could be one of many while thinking he is the only one. As for her, she is not the only courier or service provider that shows up to his office.

A liar and cheat will ran each other ragged with trust issues. He found a lying, cheating minister. She is not a prize at all. He gave up an 80 for a 20. He will learn the hard way.

 

[DarkJoy]

I been through it op. Wrote about it ad nauseam on this board. For the same reasons as you, I cant abide being married to a cheater. The moment he told me it was over in my heart though I tried to make it work another 2 years but my heart was broken with trust and respect disintegrated . We were together 20 years and have a young child.

All you can do is accept and go through the pain of betrayal but not become mired in it. You do have to go through it though but at the same time be grateful you're out of it and build a brighter future for yourself.

If you have the energy, start dating to see there are better men out there. Its not got to be serious or sexual but dating and being treated does help the self esteem after such a huge insult to it. I dont believe in wallowing x years until you have it together as all the BS advice columns say. Do men wait ? Hell to the no. Why should we adopt the nun's habit when WE were the ones who were betrayed?

Anyhow, pm me if you need to talk about it. Obviously, I've been there before.

Best to you .

 

[Holla]

Thanks. I just feel so depressed about it. I don't want to get back with him (because of the lying, cheating) but I hate that I have to basically start my life over because of him.

I get it. I do. But don't mourn an unhappy ending for too long. Celebrate a new beginning. Sooooooo many women would love to be where you are now, which is being able to start over. They feel trapped, unable to leave, and dying inside daily because of their unhappiness. You get to direct your life as you please without his approval or input.


Right now, he is still your husband but you have at least two options. ONE, decide if you would ever welcome him back into your life. Men always come back ...tomorrow, next week or even next year. You have to decide that - even after the divorce is final there is still that possibility. TWO, cut him off completely. You have to decide whether you would ever want him back. Decide that now before the opportunity ever presents itself so that you can act according to the principles you set for yourself. If you cut him off, cease all communication and block his number (to the extent possible). At some point, you will have to focus on you (bc you'll need all the self-love you can muster up without distractions).

 

[PocaNJ]

Thanks you all for the advice (I'm tearing up reading the responses on the train home). I will review the listed website too. This has been a rough two years and I'm glad I made it this far. So happy that we don't have children though. I'm sure it would have been much worse smh

 

[crazytrish75]

PocaNJ

Been there, done that, just now coming out of the other side. No contact is absolutely the way to go. We have 2 kids together and everything is handled via text message. Anything he texted that did NOT relate to my children was ignored and deleted. He moved out of my house and in with his lover a year ago on Valentine's Day. Our divorce was final in November.

I advise you to keep busier than you ever have before. I made it my mission to wipe my house clean of all vestiges of him. I scrubbed every square inch of my house, repainted all the rooms, bought new curtains, furniture, etc. He just walked out with half his clothes, some of our furniture and his electronics. He left everything else. Some of it I returned to him at first. Then I thought, if he didn't care enough to take it, then he wouldn't miss it. I threw a lot of it away and then I had a massive yard sale Waiting to Exhale style. He bought some of the stuff back

I also urge you to reconsider dating right away. Yes, it can help your self esteem, but I think its a very short term solution, and is likely to have disastrous results while you are vulnerable. You need time to make sure that you don't fall for someone with the same qualities as your ex.

And, I agree with the other posters. Everything may seem all roses and sunshine for him now, but it won't last. My ex was like that at first. Giddy and "having the time of his life" and everything seemed to magically fall into place for him. He had a partner with a job and a little extra money to live with while I struggled to pay the mortgage and everything else all by myself. It didn't last. He blew all of his lover's money and they started struggling right as I started to come together financially. (My kids tell me everything )
And last year on our anniversary, he was blowing my phone up, which I ignored. Whenever he does come face-to-face with me, he is all up in my mug, which drives his lover mad I'm telling you from experience, it will get better, time heals all wounds.

 

[onyxdreams]

OP, get a great powerful attorney and get your dues. Take the stance of strength, I believe in fake it til you make it. Take care of yourself and don't bother to keep up with them via social media. I agree with Darkjoy keep your mind occupied with rediscovering yourself.

 

[PocaNJ]

Thanks so much for the advice gals! This Valentines Day was tough, mainly because lasy vday is when I found out that he sent me roses at work, but bought and delivered roses to the chick in person. This is when I finally realized that he was never going to be "the man I married" again. Re-reading the advice on this thread really helps.