Divorce - Interesting observation...

[NoNapNique]

In hindsight, yes... I could have been more "selective".

(***looking back, yes he showed *some* negative things later on, closer to the wedding... And the disturbing episode in the beginning of our relationship with my son in the car, where he got mad and banged on the steering wheel really hard with both fists because he missed an easily correctable turn erplexed***)

But when I think of selective I seem to feel that one can only be as selective as their available options... And sadly, at that time he was the "best available option". Another problem with being "selective" is that you can only be as selective as the information you're given. If someone has sociopathic tendencies, they will be EXTREMELY good at hiding what they know will scare you or turn you off. My husband knows full well had he said (and done) those same things to me THEN, he would have been RIGHTLY "nex'ed".

To the naked eye, I had a "good man" -- Master's degree, successful in his field, good credit, no criminal record, "upstanding" public persona, a man willing to step into a role of "father" to my son... I was brainwashed into thinking that that was all I needed to know. My family's idea of a good man is any one who is not on crack, has a job, can pay some bills, and graduated from high school... so by their standards (thereby, mine) I had hit the lottery.

Switching to my faults and what *I* brought into the relationship...

I was not completely healed and over some things from previous "situations"... So, in walks the first dude with an engagement ring and a proposal - hence, Recipe for Disaster... I also allowed our fights to escalate by being a willing participant, I should have just let him say all the non-sensical stuff he wanted to say -- all the while planning my exit (being quiet for 50-60 years and allowing him to rip away at my spirit "until death" was NEVER an option). I have taken the time to heal from my past, and he has been given MANY chances to change... I didn't just marry him yesterday, and walking out today... For the past 7 years I have had to deal with his negativity EVERYDAY, and EVERYDAY for 7 years he has had the opportunity to change. I understand in "married years" 7 years is nothing... But even going into the marriage, I was never the "put up" type of woman. I am a lot like my mother -- long-suffering, but only for so long, after so many warnings. I was raised to know that ultimately, I am a "Woman With Options". If the fool isn't acting right, and you've put *self* on the line too many times for him -- get out... No matter if he's your Siamese twin -- Cut him OFF. I will sacrifice *self* for my kids, not for a grown-ass man who knows better, or is fully aware that he SHOULD know better...

He is going to have to learn about love and communication the hard way, just like I did -- except WITHOUT me.

.

 

[UrbanHeiress]

He is going to have to learn about love and communication the hard way, just like I did -- except WITHOUT me.

.

He is about to have a rude awakening. He will be pleading for you to stay and then cuss you out for wanting to leave.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. It is so sad to see a marriage fail, not only for the personal pain that it causes you and your children, but for the damage that is done to society as a whole as yet another family crumbles.

I am one of the people described in the original post, one who only sanctions divorce in cases of repeated infidelity or abuse. Especially once children are involved, one has to work like crazy to fix a marriage rather than see them hurt by divorce.

That being said, you are in a position to seek an ethical divorce, in my opinion. Your husband's behavior IS ABUSE. People tend to only recognize a man as abusive if they can see broken bones, black eyes, etc. on his wife. But your black eyes are on your spirit. Perhaps he has not hit you because he is able to control you in other, less risky, ways. (He's not likely to go to prison for breaking your spirit, but breaking your nose may put him inside.)

Perhaps people you have encountered are hesitant to support a divorce not simply because they are simple-minded throwbacks to the 1820's, but because they have personally witnessed the fallout of divorce. The children suffer the worst. My generation is full of people who are the walking wounded from all the divorces of our parents generation. Hence the lower divorce rate; our generation is too terrified to marry in the first place. We shack up and bear illegitimate children instead.

In a situation such as yours, staying would only net two more victims: a daughter who is ripe for the plucking by an abuser, and a son who is extremely likely to become an abuser himself.

I wish you the best and I hope you get counseling to help you AND the kids heal.

 

[The Girl]

I know exactly what you mean. When I told my parents I was divorcing my husband because I wasn't happy they were very upset because my husband had never abused or mistreated me. My fathers comment was the "grass isn't always greener on the other side".erplexed He said I should stick it out. My mother who's been married three times thought I was insane. Happiness shouldn't be an issue.

ok I am only on page 3 but hugs to all of you getting a divorce and D I didn't know that. All of you ladies have one time to be the person you are...don't spend it unhappy I am not married but that may be for the best sometimes

 

[Belle Du Jour]

It seems like there is a natural rougt spot in every marriage barring anything really serious killing the relationship like adultery. It's like, people just get sick of each other and bored after a few years. But I've also noticed that couple can make it through that "mid marriage crisis" tend to really last. I don't know if anyone had marriage counseling but does counseling prepare for this rough patch? Maybe couples need to be more proactive likedoing some kind of regular assessment of the relationship formally through counseling.

 

[Princess4real]

I didn't read all of the posts, and I may not be addressing the real crux of this discussion...

BUT the reason I think most people encourage people considering divorce to "work it out" is because I think people find it hard to comprehend that two people can go from being so thrilled to be with each other to later having nothing left but loathing and disgust.

If you look at most couple's wedding pictures, you will see so much love, joy, and promise in those faces, that it's hard to imagine that all of that is dead, buried, impossible to get back to.

So I believe that even though nowadays so many marriages do end in divorce, many people still cling to the notion that something that started out with so much hope and potential surely is worth saving, working through, and doing what it takes to help bring the joy and love back. (I'm one of those romantics).

But, ultimately, we can only live our own lives. None of us knows what is going on in our neighbor's house. It takes two people to shore up and repair that foundation. We all have to live with the decisions we make, and who am I to tell anyone whom they should stay with. Nonapnique, YOU know what YOU have to do. Best wishes to you.

I totally agree with the highlighted! To the OP, I know we have alot of doctor's on the forum, telling you what you should or should not do, but like Nay said, you have to do what best for you!

 

[patient1]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

He watched one too many Terry McMillan movies.....AND missed the point.

p1

 

[dreamer26]

I have been there, I've been divorced. I'm a christian and marriage doesn't mean the same thing it did when God insituted it.

But I want to encourage those that are in relationship or want to get married. Take the dating period for that. Get to know the individual.

You know you can make it through the good times, so find out about his ugliness and see if you can deal with it. Meet his friends and family ASK QUESTIONS. Communicate, communicate, communicate. When you talk to people you find out who they are.

Make sure you know who you are, and understand what you want and if he can not contribute to your already happiness he's not the one.

Listen to your intuition. Most times we know he's not the one but we just get lost in the moment and 6 months later we want out.

STOP overlooking the signs. STOP making him look great before the marriage then villianizing him after it.

Be strong enough to walk away. Because I found out either way you will cry, either cry walking away from his foolishness or cry after you've spent 20,000 on a wedding to a man you knew all along he wasn't the one.

Lastly don't give up your good stuff so easy, it's harder to walk away when you're emotional tied. We are sleeping with people on 1st and 2nd dates and we don't even know his last.

Marriage is hard work, but is it a beautiful relationship when it's done right.

JMHO.

 

[Integrity]

dreamer thanks soooooo much for the advice!

 

[dreamer26]

dreamer thanks soooooo much for the advice!

You are so welcome and I wished I had it before I made some of my mistakes.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Funny you say that... Because the kneegrow actually TOLD me (among about a million other put-downs) that since I came from nothing I should have just kept my mouth closed [*about his treatment during the relationship*] and been happy he was putting a roof over my head.

Wow. I am so sorry about that. You deserve better . . . we all do. But so few of us actually believe that. I think if we women demanded more of our men, we would get more from them. Although I'm speaking of all women, I think this is particularly true in the African American community. We've all heard the statistics - how every other brotha is in jail, out of work, a junkie, etc. - so I think that breeds a sense of desperation . . . like we should be so grateful to have a man at all, so we should just deal with crap.

I am beginning to think more and more that I may end up a single person. This makes me a little bit sad, but I'm making peace with it.

 

[Princess4real]

I have been there, I've been divorced. I'm a christian and marriage doesn't mean the same thing it did when God insituted it.

But I want to encourage those that are in relationship or want to get married. Take the dating period for that. Get to know the individual.

You know you can make it through the good times, so find out about his ugliness and see if you can deal with it. Meet his friends and family ASK QUESTIONS. Communicate, communicate, communicate. When you talk to people you find out who they are.

Make sure you know who you are, and understand what you want and if he can not contribute to your already happiness he's not the one.

Listen to your intuition. Most times we know he's not the one but we just get lost in the moment and 6 months later we want out.

STOP overlooking the signs. STOP making him look great before the marriage then villianizing him after it.

Be strong enough to walk away. Because I found out either way you will cry, either cry walking away from his foolishness or cry after you've spent 20,000 on a wedding to a man you knew all along he wasn't the one.

Lastly don't give up your good stuff so easy, it's harder to walk away when you're emotional tied. We are sleeping with people on 1st and 2nd dates and we don't even know his last. The sad thing is, they are now calling giving up the panty draws too quick, being sexually liberated.

Marriage is hard work, but is it a beautiful relationship when it's done right.

JMHO.

I agree with the highlighted.

 

[envybeauty]

Ladies, have hope. My post is to encourage all who ever felt wronged in a relationship. There is hope that one day the other person will realize what he contributed to the downfall of the relationship and he will ask for your forgiveness.

Be patient. I waited almost two years since the end of my relationship for it and I got it TODAY! Two years with no communcation and no persistence on my part. He reached out to me on his own.

See below. Ignore the giberish.

--------------
This will go down as one of the saddest (if not the saddest) and most remorseful moments in my adult life. [Nvy], I am so sorry for what ever I made up do in the recent and more distant past. I hope you will find a place somewhere in your heart to forgive me. So very sorry and maybe I had to do this to truly move on. You are a wonderful person and it was mostly my fault. All the best and take care of yourself.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I call it relative happiness. When me and my dh were going through something, my mom was all, "Well, in my day, the women didn't complain about anything as long as the men were providing. What you're talking about is nothing compared to what we used to deal with". So? I think the old school way of thinking is that if you are relatively happy (there are others who have it worse than you), then you should suck it up.

I don't subscribe to that at all, and neither should any woman, IMO.

I'm lol@ "relative happiness". That's how my older aunt thinks. The problem is that her relationship was not happy, she'd have to compare it to some serious level 'ish to come out on top. They were unsatisfied with each other, he cheated (sometimes), she hated it and him and so on.

 

[ArrrBeee]

bumping for responses

 

[Evolving78]

People don't get to know people anymore and the person you married was the same way when you dated them. (generalizing) If he was bad with money then, he will be bad with money when you marry. I'm realizing that marriage is what you make it and times will get hard and might stay hard for periods of time. But those vows mean a lot to me and I'm learning to take my DH for who he is and not try to change him. All I can do is change myself. I saw this couple in Jet that was married for 80 years and you know they went through some things, but they are still together. I would like to be that couple one day.