Self esteem issues in current relationship...

[AHeisenberg]

Hello ladies!

Really wish this forum had an anonymous/guest post option but alas... So I created an entirely new account. Don't want you to think I'm a troll, just don't like sharing such a personal story under my actual account here.

I value your opinions, and would like help with a situation I'm currently facing.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years. We met in college when I was a freshman & he was a senior. He's my first & only boyfriend, I gave my virginity to him - whole shebang.

In the first half of the relationship, he cheated on me a lot. I don't have an explanation as to why I stayed, but not only did I stay, I felt like I needed to compete with those girls. I kept up with my physical appearance like a maniac - waxing, shaving, blowdrying, wearing lingerie, catering to him in bed, etc.

Fast forward to today, and I am tired. I've slowly stopped doing all those things with the same frequency. I do shave, but not regularly (especially in the winter lol), and I loathe waxing. As I've stopped doing those things, he has started making comments over the years about my body - like that he doesn't like looking down when we're having sex & seeing that I have more hair on my chest than he does on his (I have peach fuzz at the absolute worst, and he's completely naturally hairless), that I should always be brazilian waxed, legs always shaved, hair on my stomach, areolas, ***hole, upper lip, underarms, lower back, and between my breasts should always be waxed, that I should be more toned (in college I weighed 127-130, now I weigh 139, and at my heaviest I weighed 148).

He has refused to have sex with me depending on what I've done/not done. As recently as two nights ago, he refused to have sex with me because I hadn't shaved my legs in 3 days & had stubble. They weren't bad - I had worn a dress that day because my legs weren't to the point where I needed to shave or cover them - but if you touched them you could feel stubble.

I have serious self esteem issues within the relationship because of the comments he's made & his actions. I don't feel attractive to him, and whenever we have sex, unless I've been drinking, I'm constantly judging myself against his checklist. I don't feel comfortable wearing sexy lingerie (he buys me lingerie fairly often, and I never wear it) around him - the few times I have, it didn't go well. One time he got mad & refused sex because I didn't wear a specific garment he asked about, and other times he doesn't notice I'm even wearing it. The actual sex is okay, but emotionally I can't let go & enjoy myself. I also resent the fact that he isn't able to get me off the way I can get him off - I know how he likes things done because over the years I've taken his pleasure very seriously, but I don't feel the same has been done for me.

I've tried multiple times to explain how I feel to him, and we're on opposite sides of the coin. I don't think he should have any say or comment about my body, and has no business telling me how I should keep it. He thinks that as my boyfriend & sexual partner, I should be willing to do things to make myself more attractive to him, and that he should be able to voice his opinions. His solution is that if I "would just take care of those things", we'll live happily ever after & have no issue. I want to be loved for how I am in my most natural state, and the other stuff should be welcomed bonuses.

Outside the relationship, I don't have self esteem issues. I know I'm not unattractive & am a very outgoing person, and have no problem talking to other men. I've been asked out by eligible men, and turned them down because I'm in this relationship. Recently though, I'm not turning them all down. I had sex with someone I've known for a few years now, and I couldn't get out of my head. I was going down the checklist in my head, and we ended up just stopping. Having sex with that guy was kind of a test for me to see if I would carry over this baggage with me, and I absolutely did. I know I have serious baggage because of this relationship, and I don't know what to do with myself. If I break up with my boyfriend, I feel like I'll ruin any future relationships I have because of this esteem issue I have.

Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me if I love him & am IN LOVE with him, and I was honest. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I can't decide if I want to end the relationship or not - if it weren't for the things I've outlined here, our relationship would be a great one. The next step is marriage, and I do know that I can't do that when things are like this.

TLDR: My boyfriend has been making comments over the years about my body that have affected my self esteem very negatively & impacted our relationship. I don't think he should have any say or comment about my body, and has no business telling me how I should keep it. He thinks that as my boyfriend & sexual partner, I should be willing to do things to make myself more attractive to him, and that he should be able to voice his opinions. His solution is that if I "would just take care of those things", we'll live happily ever after & have no issue. What do I do moving forward?

Comments, opinions & suggestions are very much welcomed - sorry for dumping this novel on you!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I don't know where to start, OP.

 

[Holla]

What do I do moving forward?

I don't understand how you could type all of that out and not see that dumping him as your boyfriend should be your first step to moving forward. I don't understand what advice you truly seek?!?!??! Or maybe you don't want to hear THAT but something else. ..... Dunno.

An analogy would be a crackhead ...smoking crack in a crackhouse while asking his brother over the phone about what he should do to move on with his life. To me, SOME answers are OBVIOUS and I don't get why you (and others on here admittedly) don't see that.

As to what else you should do, I don't know. Building self-esteem comes from working on you and no one else can do that for you. You have to love you first. Putting up with him is not an act of selflove towards you.

 

[AHeisenberg]

I know. It's a huge mess. I've tried to break up before, but we're bound to a lease & he has been very difficult when I've tried. Not that I expect a break up to be easy.

 

[Prettymetty]

Dump him. Be in a relationship with yourself for a while until you feel whole again. When you are ready to date again remember that you are a beautiful and amazing person. Don't ever allow a man to make you feel anything less than that Hugs

 

[RocStar]

Would you really marry this guy? And if so, why?

 

[Lucie]

I know how you feel OP. I was a with a man that made me walk on eggshells. I had to leave. He affected me very negatively and it took me a while to heal. A man can change, if he wants. I do not see this being the case for your SO unfortunately. He will only continue to chip away at and corrode your self-esteem. No woman is perfect. She will have stubble. Some days your hair will be a frizz ball mess. And if he cannot accept you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.

 

[AHeisenberg]

The crackhead analogy is fair. I do want to break up & think ultimately that's what will (finally) happen. My concern now is not how to fix the relationship, but how to fix ME. Has anyone here had self esteem issues because of a boyfriend? How did you get past it & build yourself back up? I'm so worried I'll date someone new & will have this huge elephant to deal with. Going down the list is like second nature. I've started trying to pay attention to when I do it, and I do it all. the. time. When I'm getting dressed in the morning I weigh myself. When I'm sitting on the toilet, I look down at my stomach & stress about it not being flat. When I'm talking to people & they glance at my mouth, I'm think about if I've waxed my upper lip.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

Let him go. He's not good to you or for you. Get your emotional and psychological health back. Enjoy life by living the life you want. You deserve better.

 

[AHeisenberg]

Would you really marry this guy? And if so, why?

This issue aside, he's a great boyfriend & I can see how he'd be a great partner. He's smart with finances, my entire family loves him, my friends love him, he's attractive ( to me), intelligent, has a great job, supports me in whatever I want to do career/hobby/life wise, honest, the infidelity issues we had are completely gone now... He's a great guy besides this issue. I really think if he found a woman that was willing to do all this crazy preening stuff, or if she naturally was hairless, he'd be perfect for her.

 

[CaraWalker]

you know exactly what everybody is going to say so why do you need public support before you get out of this wack *** relationship?

 

[tapioca_pudding]

I think you know the answer, here.

Regarding someone 'loving you in your most natural state', I've always felt like you should keep yourself up for your mate to be attractive to them BUT the main reason you should keep yourself up is to feel good about yourself. He's been spoiled (so to speak) by all the pampering that you used to do to yourself, and now that it's lacking he's having a tantrum/withholding sex. If you want someone to love the natural, unshaven you, then this obviously isn't the guy for you (among other reasons).

All in all he sounds manipulative and controlling. The fact that you had to test the waters and sleep with someone else speaks volumes.

Can he find a roommate to take over your portion of the lease so you can move out? I'm assuming there are some other ties there since you said he's been very difficult.. Cuz ain't no amount of difficult that could keep me from leaving a situation I'm unhappy in.

I hope you're able to come to a conclusion that gives you peace.

 

[AHeisenberg]

I know how you feel OP. I was a with a man that made me walk on eggshells. I had to leave. He affected me very negatively and it took me a while to heal. A man can change, if he wants. I do not see this being the case for your SO unfortunately. He will only continue to chip away at and corrode your self-esteem. No woman is perfect. She will have stubble. Some days your hair will be a frizz ball mess. And if he cannot accept you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.

Thank you Lucie... I agree that no one is perfect, and I definitely want the person I'm in a relationship with to accept me at my worst. I hope I can heal on my own, I'm so scared I won't be able to shake this feeling.

 

[Rainbow Dash]

This issue aside, he's a great boyfriend & I can see how he'd be a great partner. He's smart with finances, my entire family loves him, my friends love him, he's attractive ( to me), intelligent, has a great job, supports me in whatever I want to do career/hobby/life wise, honest, the infidelity issues we had are completely gone now... He's a great guy besides this issue. I really think if he found a woman that was willing to do all this crazy preening stuff, or if she naturally was hairless, he'd be perfect for her.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Tell him how his comments have affected you.

 

[AHeisenberg]

I think you know the answer, here.

Regarding someone 'loving you in your most natural state', I've always felt like you should keep yourself up for your mate to be attractive to them BUT the main reason you should keep yourself up is to feel good about yourself. He's been spoiled (so to speak) by all the pampering that you used to do to yourself, and now that it's lacking he's having a tantrum/withholding sex. If you want someone to love the natural, unshaven you, then this obviously isn't the guy for you (among other reasons).

All in all he sounds manipulative and controlling. The fact that you had to test the waters and sleep with someone else speaks volumes.

Can he find a roommate to take over your portion of the lease so you can move out? I'm assuming there are some other ties there since you said he's been very difficult.. Cuz ain't no amount of difficult that could keep me from leaving a situation I'm unhappy in.

I hope you're able to come to a conclusion that gives you peace.

I'm not looking forward to the break-up, 8 years is a lot to untangle from each other. But besides the lease, there's no real ties really... No kids, the pets we have are mine & he only tolerates them because I wanted them. I think he could handle the lease on his own, but he has threatened to make me responsible for half even if I don't live there, and I can't afford 1.5 rent payments. The apartment is a one bedroom that works well for a couple, but 2 separate people wouldn't be comfortable. I don't think he'd split the bedroom with another person.

 

[AHeisenberg]

Have you tried talking to him about this? Tell him how his comments have affected you.

Definitely. We've had this argument many times in the past, and spent all day yesterday into this morning talking about it. He feels like I'm "placing blame" on him for my self esteem & saying I'm too sensitive. That if it were him, he'd just change because he wants to be the most attractive he can to me. I take responsibility for "spoiling" him in the beginning by being so crazy about keeping up with those things, so that he came to expect them, but I don't know what else I can claim responsibility for. He's the one making the comments, even though I've repeatedly explained how it makes me feel, how I judge myself against the checklist, etc.

He has said that I'm basically asking him to shut up & not voice his feelings, which is inaccurate. I'm asking him to not even feel the way he does about how I should maintain my body.

 

[Lucie]

Thank you Lucie... I agree that no one is perfect, and I definitely want the person I'm in a relationship with to accept me at my worst. I hope I can heal on my own, I'm so scared I won't be able to shake this feeling.

You can heal on your own. The relationship forum has a thread on narcissists, emotional abuse and healing the heartbroken. If you go on YT there are tons of great vids on these topics. Barnes and Noble also has great books as well. There are meetup groups. You have us. Your church if you are religious. You will make it. Eight years is nothing to sneeze at, so it will be tough but don't run from the grief. If you feel like crying, cry. Venting, vent. Writing down in your diary, then do that.

Given what you shared I am almost 99% he will not change. The problem with social media is that it is warping many peoples (men AND women) minds. It makes them think that being flawless is what makes you a woman. We can only the best we can but cannot expect NOT to have an off day. Does he always look perfect. My SO has devil horns in his Mohawk when he wakes up in the morning. Okay, not the end of the world but few wake up flawless regardless of how beautiful/handsome they are. Withholding sex, putting you, belittling you is NOT GOOD!

(((HUGS)))

 

[SincerelyJane]

You might benefit from some therapy regarding the self esteem issue. There's nothing we can say on a forum that will immediately snap you out of it. It took years for you to get to this point, so it will probably take a lot of time, work, and energy to get your self esteem up to where it should be. Therapy is good because it gives you guidance and structure while you fix yourself. It's like having a paid and highly trained accountability partner. There are many women who have been in your shoes.

I agree with the other ladies about getting rid of dude. I don't think there's any benefit to trying to salvage a relationship there. He sounds toxic.

 

[AHeisenberg]

you know exactly what everybody is going to say so why do you need public support before you get out of this wack *** relationship?

I should have been more clear - I'm not asking if I should break up with him or not. My intention is to break up with him. I'm asking for advice on how to self-heal. The list of things he wants me to keep up has become such a huge part of my life that it's second nature to judge myself against it. I'm worried I'll derail a brand new relationship with someone else because of these feelings, and would like advice on how to overcome them. Right now it feel like I'm just damaged & don't know a way to get better.

 

[AHeisenberg]

You can heal on your own. The relationship forum has a thread on narcissists, emotional abuse and healing the heartbroken. If you go on YT there are tons of great vids on these topics. Barnes and Noble also has great books as well. There are meetup groups. You have us. Your church if you are religious. You will make it. Eight years is nothing to sneeze at, so it will be tough but don't run from the grief. If you feel like crying, cry. Venting, vent. Writing down in your diary, then do that.

Given what you shared I am almost 99% he will not change. The problem with social media is that it is warping many peoples (men AND women) minds. It makes them think that being flawless is what makes you a woman. We can only the best we can but cannot expect NOT to have an off day. Does he always look perfect. My SO has devil horns in his Mohawk when he wakes up in the morning. Okay, not the end of the world but few wake up flawless regardless of how beautiful/handsome they are. Withholding sex, putting you, belittling you is NOT GOOD!

(((HUGS)))

Thank you Lucie!

I agree he will not change... I hope he either finds his perfect bodied princess, or someone that will kick his *** and tell him he's insane

 

[AHeisenberg]

You might benefit from some therapy regarding the self esteem issue. There's nothing we can say on a forum that will immediately snap you out of it. It took years for you to get to this point, so it will probably take a lot of time, work, and energy to get your self esteem up to where it should be. Therapy is good because it gives you guidance and structure while you fix yourself. It's like having a paid and highly trained accountability partner. There are many women who have been in your shoes.

I agree with the other ladies about getting rid of dude. I don't think there's any benefit to trying to salvage a relationship there. He sounds toxic.

He's pretty toxic

I've looked into therapy, it's so hard to choose someone, you know? I'll be pouring everything out to this person, and hoping they can give sound advice + really help me.

I think I'm probably over-thinking the selection process - will definitely look into that.

 

[TayMac]

How long is the lease? He doesn't sound very nice.

 

[AHeisenberg]

How long is the lease? He doesn't sound very nice.

In every other aspect, he's really great - very nice, funny, polite, etc. Just with this (which arguably is very, very important), he's really horrible . The lease is another 13 months, we signed a 2 year lease, and are a month away from ending the first year.

 

[londontresses]

Would you say you stopped the waving because you've become more accepting of yourself or because you can't be bothered? Like if you met someone new would you go back to waxing or expect them to accept you?

I ask because if you have become more comfortable with yourself and more confident in your own skin you should find someone who can appreciate that. Or at least doesn't make you feel bad about it and is kinder with their words.

I think this is less about waxing and more about trust and cheating. If it wasn't the waxing I believe it would be something else.

 

[CaraWalker]

I should have been more clear - I'm not asking if I should break up with him or not. My intention is to break up with him. I'm asking for advice on how to self-heal. The list of things he wants me to keep up has become such a huge part of my life that it's second nature to judge myself against it. I'm worried I'll derail a brand new relationship with someone else because of these feelings, and would like advice on how to overcome them. Right now it feel like I'm just damaged & don't know a way to get better.

part of the problem appears to be that youve been with a controlling partner so long you dont have the confidence to make your own decisions because you are used to being told what to do. in my experience part of that stems from caring too much what other people would think or say if you started to do whatever you wanted. so one of the things you should probably start practicing doing is identifying your choices and decisions and the thoughts that prevent you from acting on things you want and things that are good and right for you.

 

[Urban]

I'm sorry, but he is NOT a great boyfriend. A great boyfriend does not prize his visual satisfaction over your emotional wellbeing. You are not the one that needs fixing. Two things:

1) When people show you who they are, believe them.
2) While you're holding onto this man that mistreats you, you're missing out on regaining your self-esteem and meeting a man who will treat you right. Your choice.

 

[caltron]

OP, don't be so hard on yourself. You met this guy when you were very young and with his being your first everything, you were especially vulnerable to getting involved in an emotionally unhealthy relationship. In eight years, it seems that you have grown quite a bit. It takes a lot of courage to leave a long term relationship, especially since this is all that you've known your whole life. You already know that you deserve better. You have come to this realization a lot faster than a lot of women in your position and you should give yourself a LOT of credit for taking this step.

From the outside looking in, I am positive that your self esteem issues won't plague you for the rest of your life or keep you from having a happy relationship in the future. A woman's 20's are often filled with insecurities even without being in an emotionally unhealthy relationship. It could be that once you leave this guy and you're no longer having to deal with his BS 24/7 your self confidence and esteem will grow to the point where you're no longer concerned. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Of course, it is always helpful to see a therapist when dealing with a breakup or other transitions, so don't shy away from that option if you are able.

In the meantime, where there is a will there is a way. He may try to hang the lease over your head out of spite, but you have to do what you have to do. Even though you haven't been physically abused, maybe you could call a domestic violence hotline to get ideas on how to handle this from a legal standpoint. Him holding the lease over your head is awfully controlling.

 

[AHeisenberg]

Would you say you stopped the waving because you've become more accepting of yourself or because you can't be bothered? Like if you met someone new would you go back to waxing or expect them to accept you?

I ask because if you have become more comfortable with yourself and more confident in your own skin you should find someone who can appreciate that. Or at least doesn't make you feel bad about it and kinda with their words.

I think this is less about waxing and more about trust and cheating.

He asked the same thing. I would shave my legs, wax in a standard bikini style, and wax my underarms before sex with a new person. If I didn't know we were going to have sex, like if I wasn't expecting it to definitely happen, I would shave my legs & wax my underarms according to what clothes I was wearing (sleeveless, shorts, etc). I wax my upper lip pretty regularly on my own because I don't like it. I wouldn't do all the other stuff - areolas, between my breasts, lower back, stomach, ***hole - those I'd leave the way they are. Your comment about waxing being linked to trust/cheating had me thinking, and you're right. I do partially resent doing it because of WHY I started doing it to begin with. I do think of the other girls on occasion - much less than I used to, but I still do.

 

[AHeisenberg]

part of the problem appears to be that youve been with a controlling partner so long you dont have the confidence to make your own decisions because you are used to being told what to do. in my experience part of that stems from caring too much what other people would think or say if you started to do whatever you wanted. so one of the things you should probably start practicing doing is identifying your choices and decisions and the thoughts that prevent you from acting on things you want and things that are good and right for you.

That's a very good point - I never looked at it that way.

 

[JaneBond007]

His solution is that if I "would just take care of those things", we'll live happily ever after & have no issue. I want to be loved for how I am in my most natural state,

[/B]I know I have serious baggage because of this relationship, and I don't know what to do with myself. If I break up with my boyfriend, I feel like I'll ruin any future relationships I have because of this esteem issue I have.

Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me if I love him & am IN LOVE with him, and I was honest. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I can't decide if I want to end the relationship or not - if it weren't for the things I've outlined here, our relationship would be a great one. The next step is marriage, and I do know that I can't do that when things are like this.

You two are in lust with each other, not love. There is no commitment to each other, obviously. And happily ever after doesn't exist when he's strung you on for 8 years. 8 years? Who mentioned marriage in the "relationship"? I bet it's you and not him. He asked you if you're in love with him as a test of some sort. He's not going to marry you. Why should he? He took your virginity and has been using you for 8 years. No woman should wait 8 years for a ring. You're confused and grew comfortable having him around and I'm sorry about that. Just get the nerve to move on. It's not good for you. He certainly isn't honest with you.