Self esteem issues in current relationship...

[oneastrocurlie]

In every other aspect, he's really great - very nice, funny, polite, etc. Just with this (which arguably is very, very important), he's really horrible . The lease is another 13 months, we signed a 2 year lease, and are a month away from ending the first year.

I'd be trying to get out that lease by any means necessary. He doesn't need to know your exit plan. Just get one together. Sounds like he's got a jekyll/hyde thing going on.

 

[AHeisenberg]

I'm sorry, but he is NOT a great boyfriend. A great boyfriend does not prize his visual satisfaction over your emotional wellbeing. You are not the one that needs fixing. Two things:

1) When people show you who they are, believe them.
2) While you're holding onto this man that mistreats you, you're missing out on regaining your self-esteem and meeting a man who will treat you right. Your choice.

Don't be sorry - I was trying to be unbiased about the good qualities that he has along with the bad ones... I really think that if he was with someone that fit his physical ideal, he would be a great boyfriend to that person. Whether his physical ideal actually exists & if he'd be happy if he actually got it is another question entirely. I agree that putting his visual satisfaction over my emotions is NOT what a significant other should do... I personally have always been attracted to him no matter how his appearance shifted because I loved him, you know? Therefore it feels like he's not really loving ME because it's conditional on my appearance.

 

[londontresses]

He asked the same thing. I would shave my legs, wax in a standard bikini style, and wax my underarms before sex with a new person. If I didn't know we were going to have sex, like if I wasn't expecting it to definitely happen, I would shave my legs & wax my underarms according to what clothes I was wearing (sleeveless, shorts, etc). I wax my upper lip pretty regularly on my own because I don't like it. I wouldn't do all the other stuff - areolas, between my breasts, lower back, stomach, ***hole - those I'd leave the way they are. Your comment about waxing being linked to trust/cheating had me thinking, and you're right. I do partially resent doing it because of WHY I started doing it to begin with. I do think of the other girls on occasion - much less than I used to, but I still do.

I do hope you make the right decision for you. It's not for me to say but you could do way better. Don't stay because of your history with each other. You were both young and both seem to have changed. Good luck

 

[faithVA]

AHeisenberg,

You can heal from this. So don't be worried.

It can be harder to heal while in the relationship but you can. Since you now know you are berating yourself for not sticking to some one else's agenda, you can pay more attention to it and consciously decide whether you want to do those things or not.

The relationship is over whether you move out right now or not. When you said you were tired, the relationship was over then. It is now time to put what you want for you at the top of the list. You need to learn to be OK with his not being OK with you. When he mentions some change, you stick to your guns that you are OK with it how it is. You also don't need to get into long discussions about what he wants. State what you are going to do and leave it at that.

When you finally do move, set an amount of time you want to just enjoy yourself before starting to date again. There is no need to start thinking about that now.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

A great boyfriend and a great partnererplexed No, not at all. He seems like a controlling jerk. Did you read what you wrote?


He cheated on me a lot.

As I've stopped doing those things, he has started making comments over the years about my body - like that he doesn't like looking down when we're having sex & seeing that I have more hair on my chest than he does on his (I have peach fuzz at the absolute worst, and he's completely naturally hairless), that I should always be brazilian waxed, legs always shaved, hair on my stomach, areolas, ***hole, upper lip, underarms, lower back, and between my breasts should always be waxed, that I should be more toned (in college I weighed 127-130, now I weigh 139, and at my heaviest I weighed 148).

He has refused to have sex with me depending on what I've done/not done.

As recently as two nights ago, he refused to have sex with me because I hadn't shaved my legs in 3 days & had stubble.

One time he got mad & refused sex because I didn't wear a specific garment he asked about, and other times he doesn't notice I'm even wearing it.

I also resent the fact that he isn't able to get me off the way I can get him off - I know how he likes things done because over the years I've taken his pleasure very seriously, but I don't feel the same has been done for me.

His solution is that if I "would just take care of those things", we'll live happily ever after & have no issue.


I can't decide if I want to end the relationship or not - if it weren't for the things I've outlined here, our relationship would be a great one. erplexed

If you stay and marry this guy, can you picture how he will react if you get pregnant and gain 20 - 50 lbs.

This issue aside, he's a great boyfriend & I can see how he'd be a great partner. He's smart with finances, my entire family loves him, my friends love him, he's attractive ( to me), intelligent, has a great job, supports me in whatever I want to do career/hobby/life wise, honest, the infidelity issues we had are completely gone now... He's a great guy besides this issue. I really think if he found a woman that was willing to do all this crazy preening stuff, or if she naturally was hairless, he'd be perfect for her.

 

[pearcey]

Does the guy you were with outside the LTR criticize you about the things your current man does?

 

[AHeisenberg]

You two are in lust with each other, not love. There is no commitment to each other, obviously. And happily ever after doesn't exist when he's strung you on for 8 years. 8 years? Who mentioned marriage in the "relationship"? I bet it's you and not him. He asked you if you're in love with him as a test of some sort. He's not going to marry you. Why should he? He took your virginity and has been using you for 8 years. No woman should wait 8 years for a ring. You're confused and grew comfortable having him around and I'm sorry about that. Just get the nerve to move on. It's not good for you. He certainly isn't honest with you.

I love you Bond, but disagree. I'm definitely not in lust with him, because I don't enjoy or look forward to sex with him. I feel more lustful thoughts about other men than I do about my boyfriend. I also don't think either of us necessarily strung the other along. When we met, we were in college, and way to young (in my opinion) to get married. I STILL feel too young to get married, and I'm 25. To be honest, I don't remember who brought up marriage between us, but lots of family members & friends ask on a regular basis when we're going to tie the knot because we've been together for so long. Every vacation we take, people ask if we've come back engaged. The doorman to our building JUST asked last week after we got back from vacation. I know he's been saving for a ring, but I've said over & over that I like where we are right now & don't feel pressured to marry. Marriage to me is a very serious, one-time thing, and I want to be sure I've picked the person I want to live the rest of my life with for it. I don't question his intention to marry me, but we're both still under 30 & I feel no pressure. In 5 years that may change though lol. I do think you're right about commitment... I certainly do not feel as committed to him as I used to, evidenced by my cheating on him recently. I definitely did feel comfortable with him, but you're right that I do need to move on.

 

[AHeisenberg]

AHeisenberg,

You can heal from this. So don't be worried.

It can be harder to heal while in the relationship but you can. Since you now know you are berating yourself for not sticking to some one else's agenda, you can pay more attention to it and consciously decide whether you want to do those things or not.

The relationship is over whether you move out right now or not. When you said you were tired, the relationship was over then. It is now time to put what you want for you at the top of the list. You need to learn to be OK with his not being OK with you. When he mentions some change, you stick to your guns that you are OK with it how it is. You also don't need to get into long discussions about what he wants. State what you are going to do and leave it at that.

When you finally do move, set an amount of time you want to just enjoy yourself before starting to date again. There is no need to start thinking about that now.

Thank you!!!! It's hard to see the forest for the trees right now for me, but this is something simple I can follow. Thank you.

 

[AHeisenberg]

A great boyfriend and a great partnererplexed No, not at all. He seems like a controlling jerk. Did you read what you wrote?


He cheated on me a lot.

As I've stopped doing those things, he has started making comments over the years about my body - like that he doesn't like looking down when we're having sex & seeing that I have more hair on my chest than he does on his (I have peach fuzz at the absolute worst, and he's completely naturally hairless), that I should always be brazilian waxed, legs always shaved, hair on my stomach, areolas, ***hole, upper lip, underarms, lower back, and between my breasts should always be waxed, that I should be more toned (in college I weighed 127-130, now I weigh 139, and at my heaviest I weighed 148).

He has refused to have sex with me depending on what I've done/not done.

As recently as two nights ago, he refused to have sex with me because I hadn't shaved my legs in 3 days & had stubble.

One time he got mad & refused sex because I didn't wear a specific garment he asked about, and other times he doesn't notice I'm even wearing it.

I also resent the fact that he isn't able to get me off the way I can get him off - I know how he likes things done because over the years I've taken his pleasure very seriously, but I don't feel the same has been done for me.

His solution is that if I "would just take care of those things", we'll live happily ever after & have no issue.


I can't decide if I want to end the relationship or not - if it weren't for the things I've outlined here, our relationship would be a great one. erplexed

If you stay and marry this guy, can you picture how he will react if you get pregnant and gain 20 - 50 lbs.

I've definitely thought about that. Absolutely. You're right.

 

[Sosoothing]

Dump him and seek some kind of therapy. To heal, I suspect you will have to find out the real reason you have put up with him and allowed this to go on for so long. Good luck.

 

[AHeisenberg]

Does the guy you were with outside the LTR criticize you about the things your current man does?

No - he had nothing but good things to say about me, my body, and he was very vocal & persistent about it during & after. Even so, I caught myself second-guessing myself, thinking "the lights were off in the apartment, he couldn't really see me" etc etc. When I caught myself, I got really upset.

 

[Holla]

The crackhead analogy is fair. I do want to break up & think ultimately that's what will (finally) happen. My concern now is not how to fix the relationship, but how to fix ME. Has anyone here had self esteem issues because of a boyfriend? How did you get past it & build yourself back up? I'm so worried I'll date someone new & will have this huge elephant to deal with. Going down the list is like second nature. I've started trying to pay attention to when I do it, and I do it all. the. time. When I'm getting dressed in the morning I weigh myself. When I'm sitting on the toilet, I look down at my stomach & stress about it not being flat. When I'm talking to people & they glance at my mouth, I'm think about if I've waxed my upper lip.

OK.

My thoughts on how to deal with another going forward: men compare when they want to or have cheated on you. If a man is happy with you, then he is not comparing your body to other women. When a man meets you and pursues you for a relationship, there is very little he wants to change about you physically. When you find a better man, you'll feel better about being in your own skin as you are.

I know guys who don't care if their women shave anything on their bodies. I'm talking about some HAIRY women too. Some guys even propsed and are planning weddings. So it's not an issue to every man.

 

[pearcey]

No - he had nothing but good things to say about me, my body, and he was very vocal & persistent about it during & after. Even so, I caught myself second-guessing myself, thinking "the lights were off in the apartment, he couldn't really see me" etc etc. When I caught myself, I got really upset.

That's somewhat affirming.

but be careful with that as well.

Because you all were acquainted before sex, you can really build him up in your head. ESPECIALLY in comparison to your current mate.

What you don't want to do is accept someone just because they are cool with having sex with you "as-is"

It is okay as you heal, if you can deal emotionally, but no one is perfect.

I wish you the best. No matter what is stated here, in the end you know what you can deal with.

I hope you are able to heal. It won't be easy, but worth it. sorry for the cliche but it is true...

 

[Urban]

Don't be sorry - I was trying to be unbiased about the good qualities that he has along with the bad ones... I really think that if he was with someone that fit his physical ideal, he would be a great boyfriend to that person. Whether his physical ideal actually exists & if he'd be happy if he actually got it is another question entirely. I agree that putting his visual satisfaction over my emotions is NOT what a significant other should do... I personally have always been attracted to him no matter how his appearance shifted because I loved him, you know? Therefore it feels like he's not really loving ME because it's conditional on my appearance.

I hear you. But I think you're still missing it. His abusive nature is not contingent on how someone looks. It's just his nature, period. Did you not maintain your appearance just the way he liked it and he still cheated on you? So no, even if he met a person who fit his physical ideal he would still cheat on them or find something else to complain about. Now you're probably going to look for another excuse in your head about why this is about you . You didn't shave as much as you should've. Those girls were better looking. You should've worn better clothes. But like you said, that all shouldn't matter because his love shouldn't be conditional. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, it's his nature and you're just going to have to accept that.

Of course he's nice and polite. Most abusive people are. That's how they keep you reeled in. Why would you be attracted to someone who was outrightly mean? Most abusers are charming. All hell just breaks lose when YOU don't do what you're "supposed" to .

To get out of this, you're just going to have to decide whether you want a better life. You need to believe you're worth more than this. And when you do, you could try explaining to your landlord that your relationship has turned abusive and is there a way to get out of the contract? Agree to pay out a further 2 or 3 months while they look for a new tenant, if you can afford it.

Can I ask something that may seem off topic? What's your life like outside of this relationship? What do you do with yourself? Work/ hobbies?

 

[AHeisenberg]

That's somewhat affirming.

but be careful with that as well.

Because you all were acquainted before sex, you can really build him up in your head. ESPECIALLY in comparison to your current mate.

What you don't want to do is accept someone just because they are cool with having sex with you "as-is"

It is okay as you heal, if you can deal emotionally, but no one is perfect.

I wish you the best. No matter what is stated here, in the end you know what you can deal with.

I hope you are able to heal. It won't be easy, but worth it. sorry for the cliche but it is true...

You're right, way too easy to build him up when compared to my boyfriend. Thank you for your words.

 

[nlamr2013]

Op it seems you had an affinity for these issues before the relationship. The fact that even in the beginning of the relationship when he cheated on you and you not only stayed with him but tried to compete with the women he cheated with to me speaks to self esteem issues.

I agree with someone that said seek counseling.

No the break up isn't going to be easy because honestly dude has it made. You cater to him sexually with minimal effort on his part. I would bet you cater to him domestically, and he's comfortable with you. If he's as intelligent as you think he is he isn't letting that go.

 

[AHeisenberg]

I hear you. But I think you're still missing it. His abusive nature is not contingent on how someone looks. It's just his nature, period. Did you not maintain your appearance just the way he liked it and he still cheated on you? So no, even if he met a person who fit his physical ideal he would still cheat on them or find something else to complain about. Now you're probably going to look for another excuse in your head about why this is about you . You didn't shave as much as you should've. Those girls were better looking. You should've worn better clothes. But like you said, that all shouldn't matter because his love shouldn't be conditional. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, it's his nature and you're just going to have to accept that.

Of course he's nice and polite. Most abusive people are. That's how they keep you reeled in. Why would you be attracted to someone who was outrightly mean? Most abusers are charming. All hell just breaks lose when YOU don't do what you're "supposed" to .

To get out of this, you're just going to have to decide whether you want a better life. You need to believe you're worth more than this. And when you do, you could try explaining to your landlord that your relationship has turned abusive and is there a way to get out of the contract? Agree to pay out a further 2 or 3 months while they look for a new tenant, if you can afford it.

Can I ask something that may seem off topic? What's your life like outside of this relationship? What do you do with yourself? Work/ hobbies?

Wow... I didn't think of it like that. It's tough for me to look at him & acknowledge/accept that he's an abuser, even though very obviously that's what he has been doing. I've been looking for job opportunities in another city as a legitimate reason to just drop & move... I need to start bouncing around anyway to bump my salary up. Outside of my relationship - I work in advertising & head a department. For hobbies, I blog, travel, keep a fairly busy social calendar. I'm an outgoing person & like to meet new people + learn new skills. Why do you ask?

 

[nlamr2013]

Also the fact that he prefers a certain standard of grooming isn't what's problematic it's the method in which he goes about getting it.

 

[LiftedUp]

You are both cheating on each other? Why are you both still in a relationship?

Secondly, the only person who can build your self esteem in you. You just need guidance. Maybe you can look into a therapist who can offer that.

All the best OP.

Also, I was in a relationship where my bf expected me to look a certain way, dress a certain way and maintain a certain weight. It is stressful and unless you've been in that type of scenario you cannot understand. Like you said, I look fine to everyone else but yet he would nit pick and random stuff. I emphasized being in it to understand because in a previous thread people spoke about wanting to look good for their man and "nothing being wrong with that", when it is really more than just that.

 

[ThickHair]

Only thing to add is to to don't get pregnant by this man.

 

[faithVA]

part of the problem appears to be that youve been with a controlling partner so long you dont have the confidence to make your own decisions because you are used to being told what to do. in my experience part of that stems from caring too much what other people would think or say if you started to do whatever you wanted. so one of the things you should probably start practicing doing is identifying your choices and decisions and the thoughts that prevent you from acting on things you want and things that are good and right for you.

I hear you. But I think you're still missing it. His abusive nature is not contingent on how someone looks. It's just his nature, period. Did you not maintain your appearance just the way he liked it and he still cheated on you? So no, even if he met a person who fit his physical ideal he would still cheat on them or find something else to complain about. Now you're probably going to look for another excuse in your head about why this is about you . You didn't shave as much as you should've. Those girls were better looking. You should've worn better clothes. But like you said, that all shouldn't matter because his love shouldn't be conditional. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, it's his nature and you're just going to have to accept that.

Of course he's nice and polite. Most abusive people are. That's how they keep you reeled in. Why would you be attracted to someone who was outrightly mean? Most abusers are charming. All hell just breaks lose when YOU don't do what you're "supposed" to .

I agree with both of these ladies about the control/abuse that you are experiencing. Because you dated him so long and at a young age you really don't have a good frame of reference for a healthy relationship. You also don't know what a good boyfriend is because you have never had one. But now you do know what control and mental abuse look like. It will help you choose more wisely and to navigate through people.

You also see how the abuser's voice can become your own. So as you work on speaking to yourself (mentally) in a more loving, supportive and encouraging way you will be preparing yourself for future relationships.

 

[JaneBond007]

I love you Bond, but disagree. I'm definitely not in lust with him, because I don't enjoy or look forward to sex with him. I feel more lustful thoughts about other men than I do about my boyfriend. I also don't think either of us necessarily strung the other along. When we met, we were in college, and way to young (in my opinion) to get married. I STILL feel too young to get married, and I'm 25. To be honest, I don't remember who brought up marriage between us, but lots of family members & friends ask on a regular basis when we're going to tie the knot because we've been together for so long. Every vacation we take, people ask if we've come back engaged. The doorman to our building JUST asked last week after we got back from vacation. I know he's been saving for a ring, but I've said over & over that I like where we are right now & don't feel pressured to marry. Marriage to me is a very serious, one-time thing, and I want to be sure I've picked the person I want to live the rest of my life with for it. I don't question his intention to marry me, but we're both still under 30 & I feel no pressure. In 5 years that may change though lol. I do think you're right about commitment... I certainly do not feel as committed to him as I used to, evidenced by my cheating on him recently. I definitely did feel comfortable with him, but you're right that I do need to move on.

Thanks but this is about you and gaining your personhood. "Lust" would be him getting his rocks off and you don't. In my religious mind, "lust" would also mean giving it up and you aren't married - can't see the field for the trees. It would also mean that you are focusing on feelings and not what it takes to make a good relationship and marriage.

If marriage is very serious, how would one consider even desiring to marry him and you're not attracted to him sexually? It's a huge part of marriage. He didn't mention it, by the tone of your posts, it's you and only you. You are charging yourself with non-commitment but are overlooking the fact that he's cheated on you for years. You are emotionally attached. Become intellectually aware. Stand back and look at this thing in a true light. I wish you well. That is not a relationship, it's a convenience and you are controlled by a Kang who is still cheating on you. Trust that. And people keep asking you if you two are going to get married because,

1) you're shacking and have been doing so for a long time

2) been giving it up for 8 years (that's a loooooong time to have a boyfriend)

If I might just offer a little insight from what I've seen...this guy is saving for a ring? I bet a million it's for another woman. These types of guys ARE stringing YOU along, getting his physical needs met, then he'll dump you quick and marry another. Run while you can before you get drop-kicked in public. Again, I wish you so well...I pray you will open your eyes. Truth hurts, but staying along in this type of mess hurts worse.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Only thing to add is to to don't get pregnant by this man.

Please please please don't. 2 friends finally mustered up the courage to leave their SO only to get pregnant. One went to the clinic, sad to say but that was the best decision she's ever made in that relationship

 

[Urban]

Wow... I didn't think of it like that. It's tough for me to look at him & acknowledge/accept that he's an abuser, even though very obviously that's what he has been doing. I've been looking for job opportunities in another city as a legitimate reason to just drop & move... I need to start bouncing around anyway to bump my salary up. Outside of my relationship - I work in advertising & head a department. For hobbies, I blog, travel, keep a fairly busy social calendar. I'm an outgoing person & like to meet new people + learn new skills. Why do you ask?

I asked because I wanted to know whether you had a healthy social life outside of the relationship, which it seems like you do. That's a great start. Well good luck on the job hunting. It seems like you've achieved a lot in your career and I hope you endeavour for the same standards in your relationship. I don't know you, but I can tell you, you deserve better. There's no two ways about that.

 

[JaneBond007]

OP, please refer to this thread. Listen to it very carefully:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=728779

 

[Solila]

AHeisenberg He sounds draining. OP you need some serious time to self reflect. There comes a time in destructive relationships like this where you really have to take into consideration your self worth. And know this, you existed before him and you will exist after him.
Live your life OP with or without him.

***HUGS***

 

[God_Favor]

He gotta go. He is making his insecurities and ish your ish. You have to rediscover who you are because you wanted to try so hard to become "the girl he wanted.".

Leave.

 

[PJaye]

I'm not looking forward to the break-up, 8 years is a lot to untangle from each other. But besides the lease, there's no real ties really... No kids, the pets we have are mine & he only tolerates them because I wanted them. I think he could handle the lease on his own, but he has threatened to make me responsible for half even if I don't live there, and I can't afford 1.5 rent payments. The apartment is a one bedroom that works well for a couple, but 2 separate people wouldn't be comfortable. I don't think he'd split the bedroom with another person.

So, he is aware of your desire to leave and is threatening you with severe penalties if you do. What do you think this says about his character? What purpose does this threat serve for him?

He's pretty toxic

I've looked into therapy, it's so hard to choose someone, you know? I'll be pouring everything out to this person, and hoping they can give sound advice + really help me.

I think I'm probably over-thinking the selection process - will definitely look into that.

IMO, you are not over-thinking things. You have an absolute right to thoroughly vet all potential therapists…for as long as it takes…before ending the selection process. Remember, its efficacy will hinge upon your level of comfort – your ability to fully trust this person and their process.

To that end, I suggest that you make appointments with a few qualified professionals in your area so that you can pick the one that is right for you. Be sure to ask each of them explain (in detail) their overall philosophy towards counseling, in addition to any methodologies they will be using during their sessions (e.g., psychoanalytic, cognitive, humanistic, etc.). You have a right to know this information, so don’t be afraid to ask. Knowing these details will go a long way during the selection process. I wish you the best!

 

[Kurlee]

he sounds a little emotionally/psychologically abusive. I know that it's hard, but it's time to fade from this relationship.

 

[Farida]

OP do you have family you can move in wifh? If the lease is what is holding you (it's not) you can move in with family and continue to pay rent.

I really think you need to move away. Sometimes the best way to disentangle yourself is create physical distance. States away would be great; countries even better. Are you in school? Study abroad. You will come back wondering why you are wasting your life on this fool.