Self esteem issues in current relationship...

[BEAUTYU2U]

This threads reads like the Austro-Afrikana one.....

 

[abcd09]

You both have a lot of resentment towards one another.

He towards you for reasons unknown to us. Sometimes men blame their SOs for cheating when in reality they NEVER had any intention of being faithful at all.

You towards him, the underlying reason being that he cheated repeatedly on you, broke your trust, lied and made you compete for affection that should have been yours. He wasn't the loving guy you wanted and this became your desire. So you stayed, and over time your heart has caught up with your head (what you feel with what you know) and your body can't be arsed to move to change to make him happy (because it knows he hasn't done the same for you). At some point, you're right. You become TIRED and your mind figures there's no point in sucking up to this pointless man. And then you start resenting that he's so outspoken on what he perceives as YOUR faults when his ACTIONS have devastated everything you hold dear. The nerve.

The easiest way to move on is to get angry. No person deserves 8 years of hell. You deserve more, hairy or not. Get angry with what happened, tell yourself that as a human being you don't deserve or NEED to live in misery from this guy. HE destroyed everything. HE messed up. YOU as a human deserve to be happy. Life is way, WAY too short to stay with an emotionally manipulative abuser. That's what he is. Get mad OP. It will be SO much easier to walk away IF YOU ARE MAD.

Get a pic of yourself as a little girl. Look at that girl. Look at her smile, her chubby cheeks, her bows in her hair. Does that little girl deserve this misery? Does that little girl deserve years of disrespect? Look at that pic and get mad and take back your right as a human being with a limited lifespan to BE HAPPY, to LOVE YOURSELF, to have other who LOVE and RESPECT you.

You deserve it like anyone else.

 

[kaykari]

OP, why cant you move home?

 

[AHeisenberg]

Op it seems you had an affinity for these issues before the relationship. The fact that even in the beginning of the relationship when he cheated on you and you not only stayed with him but tried to compete with the women he cheated with to me speaks to self esteem issues.

I agree with someone that said seek counseling.

No the break up isn't going to be easy because honestly dude has it made. You cater to him sexually with minimal effort on his part. I would bet you cater to him domestically, and he's comfortable with you. If he's as intelligent as you think he is he isn't letting that go.

Also the fact that he prefers a certain standard of grooming isn't what's problematic it's the method in which he goes about getting it.

He was my first boyfriend & first lover, ever. I don't think my decision to stay with him means I have an affinity for self-esteem issues, but thank you for your input. I agree that he can feel however he wants to feel about his partner's physical appearance, I just don't want a partner that feels the way he does.

You are both cheating on each other? Why are you both still in a relationship?

Secondly, the only person who can build your self esteem in you. You just need guidance. Maybe you can look into a therapist who can offer that.

All the best OP.

Also, I was in a relationship where my bf expected me to look a certain way, dress a certain way and maintain a certain weight. It is stressful and unless you've been in that type of scenario you cannot understand. Like you said, I look fine to everyone else but yet he would nit pick and random stuff. I emphasized being in it to understand because in a previous thread people spoke about wanting to look good for their man and "nothing being wrong with that", when it is really more than just that.

I feel your pain... It absolutely is stressful, and not the way I want to live my life! He was cheating on my in the beginning of our relationship & isn't now, and I recently did cheat on him. We are no longer in a relationship, I ended it yesterday & am working on steps to move on. Therapy is definitely an option, I really do need to work on myself.

Only thing to add is to to don't get pregnant by this man.

Please please please don't. 2 friends finally mustered up the courage to leave their SO only to get pregnant. One went to the clinic, sad to say but that was the best decision she's ever made in that relationship

That would be the kicker, wouldn't it?! I'm on birth control, and have been for our entire relationship. I have no intention of getting pregnant by him or anyone else any time soon!

I agree with both of these ladies about the control/abuse that you are experiencing. Because you dated him so long and at a young age you really don't have a good frame of reference for a healthy relationship. You also don't know what a good boyfriend is because you have never had one. But now you do know what control and mental abuse look like. It will help you choose more wisely and to navigate through people.

You also see how the abuser's voice can become your own. So as you work on speaking to yourself (mentally) in a more loving, supportive and encouraging way you will be preparing yourself for future relationships.

Thank you! That's an excellent way to word it - that his voice has become my own.

Thanks but this is about you and gaining your personhood. "Lust" would be him getting his rocks off and you don't. In my religious mind, "lust" would also mean giving it up and you aren't married - can't see the field for the trees. It would also mean that you are focusing on feelings and not what it takes to make a good relationship and marriage.

If marriage is very serious, how would one consider even desiring to marry him and you're not attracted to him sexually? It's a huge part of marriage. He didn't mention it, by the tone of your posts, it's you and only you. You are charging yourself with non-commitment but are overlooking the fact that he's cheated on you for years. You are emotionally attached. Become intellectually aware. Stand back and look at this thing in a true light. I wish you well. That is not a relationship, it's a convenience and you are controlled by a Kang who is still cheating on you. Trust that. And people keep asking you if you two are going to get married because,

1) you're shacking and have been doing so for a long time

2) been giving it up for 8 years (that's a loooooong time to have a boyfriend)

If I might just offer a little insight from what I've seen...this guy is saving for a ring? I bet a million it's for another woman. These types of guys ARE stringing YOU along, getting his physical needs met, then he'll dump you quick and marry another. Run while you can before you get drop-kicked in public. Again, I wish you so well...I pray you will open your eyes. Truth hurts, but staying along in this type of mess hurts worse.

OP, please refer to this thread. Listen to it very carefully:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=728779

Ok - I wasn't looking at it from a religious standpoint like you are. I disagree with you on a few points, but really do appreciate your input & your overall message.

I asked because I wanted to know whether you had a healthy social life outside of the relationship, which it seems like you do. That's a great start. Well good luck on the job hunting. It seems like you've achieved a lot in your career and I hope you endeavour for the same standards in your relationship. I don't know you, but I can tell you, you deserve better. There's no two ways about that.

Thank you Urban! Working towards it in all aspects of my life!

 

[AHeisenberg]

AHeisenberg He sounds draining. OP you need some serious time to self reflect. There comes a time in destructive relationships like this where you really have to take into consideration your self worth. And know this, you existed before him and you will exist after him.
Live your life OP with or without him.

***HUGS***

Draining is so accurate... Thank you for your kind words!

He gotta go. He is making his insecurities and ish your ish. You have to rediscover who you are because you wanted to try so hard to become "the girl he wanted.".

Leave.

So true... I definitely did try to be his ideal girl, and it absolutely impacted me negatively... Won't do that next time around. I broke up with him yesterday, and am focusing on next steps.

So, he is aware of your desire to leave and is threatening you with severe penalties if you do. What do you think this says about his character? What purpose does this threat serve for him?



IMO, you are not over-thinking things. You have an absolute right to thoroughly vet all potential therapists…for as long as it takes…before ending the selection process. Remember, its efficacy will hinge upon your level of comfort – your ability to fully trust this person and their process.

To that end, I suggest that you make appointments with a few qualified professionals in your area so that you can pick the one that is right for you. Be sure to ask each of them explain (in detail) their overall philosophy towards counseling, in addition to any methodologies they will be using during their sessions (e.g., psychoanalytic, cognitive, humanistic, etc.). You have a right to know this information, so don’t be afraid to ask. Knowing these details will go a long way during the selection process. I wish you the best!

Thank you for that insight! I'll keep that in mind in my search. This is not the first time I've expressed my feelings to him & tried breaking up. The way he has acted means to me that he's manipulative & controlling - I wouldn't want to force someone to live with me that clearly didn't want to.

he sounds a little emotionally/psychologically abusive. I know that it's hard, but it's time to fade from this relationship.

Thank you!

OP do you have family you can move in wifh? If the lease is what is holding you (it's not) you can move in with family and continue to pay rent.

I really think you need to move away. Sometimes the best way to disentangle yourself is create physical distance. States away would be great; countries even better. Are you in school? Study abroad. You will come back wondering why you are wasting your life on this fool.

OP, why cant you move home?

I do have family I could move in with, but I don't want to... I'd rather break the lease & move out on my own. My reasons why would be a whole different post. I'm meeting with my landlord today to try & work something out.

This threads reads like the Austro-Afrikana one.....

Sorry, I'm not familiar

You both have a lot of resentment towards one another.

He towards you for reasons unknown to us. Sometimes men blame their SOs for cheating when in reality they NEVER had any intention of being faithful at all.

You towards him, the underlying reason being that he cheated repeatedly on you, broke your trust, lied and made you compete for affection that should have been yours. He wasn't the loving guy you wanted and this became your desire. So you stayed, and over time your heart has caught up with your head (what you feel with what you know) and your body can't be arsed to move to change to make him happy (because it knows he hasn't done the same for you). At some point, you're right. You become TIRED and your mind figures there's no point in sucking up to this pointless man. And then you start resenting that he's so outspoken on what he perceives as YOUR faults when his ACTIONS have devastated everything you hold dear. The nerve.

The easiest way to move on is to get angry. No person deserves 8 years of hell. You deserve more, hairy or not. Get angry with what happened, tell yourself that as a human being you don't deserve or NEED to live in misery from this guy. HE destroyed everything. HE messed up. YOU as a human deserve to be happy. Life is way, WAY too short to stay with an emotionally manipulative abuser. That's what he is. Get mad OP. It will be SO much easier to walk away IF YOU ARE MAD.

Get a pic of yourself as a little girl. Look at that girl. Look at her smile, her chubby cheeks, her bows in her hair. Does that little girl deserve this misery? Does that little girl deserve years of disrespect? Look at that pic and get mad and take back your right as a human being with a limited lifespan to BE HAPPY, to LOVE YOURSELF, to have other who LOVE and RESPECT you.

You deserve it like anyone else.

I love this, and used it yesterday to help me get through the initial break-up conversation. It was frustrating because he couldn't/wouldn't understand why I was angry, particularly after he apologized for making me feel that way. He didn't get that I was angry that I was made to feel that way to begin with, and that it took measures as drastic as these to even get an acknowledgment & apology. I was actually more angry & offended at that last part. If he really realizes now that what he did was wrong, he could have realized it when he made the comment to begin with. I don't believe it's sincere, because like I said, we've been here before.

 

[Urban]

You both have a lot of resentment towards one another.

He towards you for reasons unknown to us. Sometimes men blame their SOs for cheating when in reality they NEVER had any intention of being faithful at all.

You towards him, the underlying reason being that he cheated repeatedly on you, broke your trust, lied and made you compete for affection that should have been yours. He wasn't the loving guy you wanted and this became your desire. So you stayed, and over time your heart has caught up with your head (what you feel with what you know) and your body can't be arsed to move to change to make him happy (because it knows he hasn't done the same for you). At some point, you're right. You become TIRED and your mind figures there's no point in sucking up to this pointless man. And then you start resenting that he's so outspoken on what he perceives as YOUR faults when his ACTIONS have devastated everything you hold dear. The nerve.

The easiest way to move on is to get angry. No person deserves 8 years of hell. You deserve more, hairy or not. Get angry with what happened, tell yourself that as a human being you don't deserve or NEED to live in misery from this guy. HE destroyed everything. HE messed up. YOU as a human deserve to be happy. Life is way, WAY too short to stay with an emotionally manipulative abuser. That's what he is. Get mad OP. It will be SO much easier to walk away IF YOU ARE MAD.

Get a pic of yourself as a little girl. Look at that girl. Look at her smile, her chubby cheeks, her bows in her hair. Does that little girl deserve this misery? Does that little girl deserve years of disrespect? Look at that pic and get mad and take back your right as a human being with a limited lifespan to BE HAPPY, to LOVE YOURSELF, to have other who LOVE and RESPECT you.

You deserve it like anyone else.

 

[LiftedUp]

Good for you OP

 

[MixedBerry]

Hello ladies!

Really wish this forum had an anonymous/guest post option but alas... So I created an entirely new account. Don't want you to think I'm a troll, just don't like sharing such a personal story under my actual account here.

Don't let me find out this is Hopeful posting lol

 

[Country gal]

This issue aside, he's a great boyfriend & I can see how he'd be a great partner. He's smart with finances, my entire family loves him, my friends love him, he's attractive ( to me), intelligent, has a great job, supports me in whatever I want to do career/hobby/life wise, honest, the infidelity issues we had are completely gone now... He's a great guy besides this issue. I really think if he found a woman that was willing to do all this crazy preening stuff, or if she naturally was hairless, he'd be perfect for her.

He sounds like a narcissist. Run far away. I had two loves of my life chip away at my self esteem. The psychological abuse was hard to heal from. You are always thinking that if you try harder he will treat you good again. The issue is with him.

 

[carcajada]

OP, I'm glad you are meeting with your landlord. It's hard to give advice about how to heal when you're still in the relationship. That's like someone in a mud pit asking how do they get clean? Well, get out of the mud first. I hope this is a smooth transition for you (moving out and getting your own place).

 

[Mitre]

Wishing you the best.

 

[Country gal]

AHeisenberg- can we get an update? This thread was created in May 2014. It's been 5 months.

 

[hothair]

This issue aside, he's a great boyfriend & I can see how he'd be a great partner. He's smart with finances, my entire family loves him, my friends love him, he's attractive ( to me), intelligent, has a great job, supports me in whatever I want to do career/hobby/life wise, honest, the infidelity issues we had are completely gone now... He's a great guy besides this issue. I really think if he found a woman that was willing to do all this crazy preening stuff, or if she naturally was hairless, he'd be perfect for her.

Um nah.

The truth? He's not that in to you. He is in a relationship with himself for himself and you have agreed to be his prop.

Women like to tell themselves lies about if only situations with men when they know the people they're with are not really theirs. He may make an excellent friend but he is not into you the end.

Break up with him and work on yourself also don't be surprised/hurt when the chick who has him running all the way around her is not as cute as you or as smart.

Again this relationship is not about you and more about him. Getchyo life.

I have family members/friends that behave like him are his tissue replaceable but its your choice to be that. He does not value you and that is also your choice, just because he is a good guy generally doesnt mean he is "your guy" don't be a statistic. Move on.

 

[hopeful]

Don't let me find out this is Hopeful posting lol

MixedBerry
I'm just seeing this! Nope, definitely not me . What would make you even think of me in this thread?