Season of men approaching you...

[jade998]

I am going through a season where men are approaching me trying to be with me. Some are male friends that I have known for some years, all of a sudden are chosing now to tell me their feelings. I have guys that I meet, start actively pursure me. I do like someone a lot, but he hasn't made a move, and it seems like everyone else has. There are 5 men who have told me their feelings towards me and I am not attracted to any of them.

It is my heart's desire to find the right person, to settle down and get married. And I notice that I have had to have the talk lately. I am now scared that I am saying No alot lately, don't want to miss my opportunity

Did anyone go through this, and how did you hang on till the person that you fell for came along?

Did you go through your season on men approaching you that were fundamentally good men, but you knew wasn't the one. I guess my main question is - Were you worried that you were being too picky?

 

[LightEyedMami]

Well NOT that im cocky but it has always been that way for me, So my "season" is everyday , and i always felt that im to good of a person to be with just any old body, The man that i married is everything that i wanted!...and thats because i do not settle, im not saying turn down men because "one toe is bigger than the other" but if you aren't compatible emotionally, or even physically ( you have to see his face for the rest of your life, so you better like it!) than don't do it!!...look at it this way not to many women look back and say i wish i wouldv'e gave myself to more men, its usually the opposite so keep that in mind when choosing a SO/HUBBY.

ETA: i like your hair.

 

[aribell]

I haven't experienced this quite to that extent, but 5 men seems like a lot to not be interested in any of them at all. It could just be unlucky.

Could it be that you're holding out for that one that you're interested in and so closing yourself off to the others?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I am going through a season where men are approaching me trying to be with me. Some are male friends that I have known for some years, all of a sudden are chosing now to tell me their feelings. I have guys that I meet, start actively pursure me. I do like someone a lot, but he hasn't made a move, and it seems like everyone else has. There are 5 men who have told me their feelings towards me and I am not attracted to any of them.

It is my heart's desire to find the right person, to settle down and get married. And I notice that I have had to have the talk lately. I am now scared that I am saying No alot lately, don't want to miss my opportunity

Did anyone go through this, and how did you hang on till the person that you fell for came along?

Did you go through your season on men approaching you that were fundamentally good men, but you knew wasn't the one. I guess my main question is - Were you worried that you were being too picky?

LOL...could I have your "problem" please??

Actually, to be honest with you (to answer your question in bold above), when I was younger I never viewed myself as being "too picky". I just viewed myself as knowing what I WANT. I'm not picky, I just know what I want dag-nabit!!

But the older I get, the more and more I wonder if maybe I AM too picky? Right now I'm going through a temporary "dry spell" on the guy front. Like you, quite a few guy friends have confessed their feelings for me, and some guys have randomly told my mom or friends that they were "interested" in me, but I am NOT interested in them! Some not in the least!!

I too am getting over somebody (ironically, a guy friend that I DO love to death), and he's "taken" so he's off-limits, so I'm definitely not trying to hold out "hope".

It may be (like Nicola mentioned) that you're holding out hope for that one that you're really interested in. Don't wait TOO long though! Try to open your eyes to other guys. Even if you may not be madly in love with them at first sight. But trust me, don't ever settle! I made the mistake last year of giving two guys that were into me a "chance", and it didn't end well. One dude I just KNEW I could not see myself marrying let alone dating. Didn't like his personality, and he wasn't even what I would consider a "friend".

The OTHER guy was "decent", but after talking with him, getting to know him, and basically dating him for about 8 months I just never really felt anything for him. I just knew deep down in my gut that he wasn't the one for me. I knew I could do better. After 8 months of dating you want to feel EXCITED about a guy. You know?? He never did it for me. And, I always felt like I was somehow being dishonest with him. I didn't want to lead him on, so I ended up basically breaking things off with him. He was a good guy, but just not for me.

So...please don't settle! You want to really feel GOOD about the person you're dating. Because when those hard times come, you want to be able to remember what it was about that man that you loved. On the same token however, DO give some guys a chance if they are into you and you are attracted to them at least personality-wise. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe it won't! But at least you will find out what you can handle and what you can't handle in a man.

*Besides...it might take you moving on to another dude for that OTHER guy to finally "wake up" and realize the gem that you are.

 

[Bunny77]

On the same token however, DO give some guys a chance if they are into you and you are attracted to them at least personality-wise. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe it won't! But at least you will find out what you can handle and what you can't handle in a man.

*Besides...it might take you moving on to another dude for that OTHER guy to finally "wake up" and realize the gem that you are.

I think the first paragraph is key, and the second paragraph is the icing on the cake.

I meant to respond to you in your other thread, but this one is kinda related, so I'll just do it here to the whole idea in general of dating men you're not initially smitten with.

I think we all have to be honest with ourselves about being picky vs. settling. I am obviously of the "give dudes a chance" school of thought, but I'm also VERY realistic in saying that the ones who are given a chance should be given one for a reason.

I have two good guy friends and EVERYBODY wondered why I didn't end up with one of them. I did legitimately consider it and I didn't turn either down for reasons that I consider superficial -- i.e. "He's not my type."

(You know, the "I usually go for tall chocolate brothas over 6' with bald heads and he's light-skindedededed and is 5'10," thing. None of which has to do with whether he'll be a good husband or father.)

Now if there are personality clashes, lack of agreement on key issues and all of that, then definitely let them go. But it is not settling to choose a man who may not fit what you THINK you want, but has so many other qualities that are wonderful that he begins to grow on you.

Also, it is not picky to have certain standards. One standard for me is a college degree. There have been a few (VERY few) exceptions -- usually Bill Gates types (although their money wasn't exactly at Bill's level, lol) -- but 95% of the time, I am looking for a man with a college degree. Some say that I'm too picky and limiting my options. I don't think I am at all, and that hasn't hurt my dating prospects because I'm very open on other standards that some people have as deal breakers (height and race are two examples).

The other thing I'd say in general to women is to not be so focused on instant chemistry, which is think is one of the most OVERRATED and faulty ways of determining whom you should date. We had a whole thread about this and I think women are shooting themselves in the foot by turning down promising guys with whom they interact well, but just don't feel "sparks" (initially). Most times, those early sparks and connections are just shallow feelings anyway... not that there's anything wrong with having them and they COULD possibly lead to something deeper... but the presence of those factors initially mean little in the long run.

If you want to be married to a good man who loves and cherishes you and worships your dirty drawls, then date the good nice guys who treat you well and stop passing them up for an "ideal" that may not be an ideal at all. You can decide later if they're not right for you, but at least give them a chance. I'd say three months is a good time period to know.

(Again, this assumes that the conversation is good, they're reasonably attractive and they're demonstrating a quality level of interest in getting to know you and not just trying to get some.)

 

[Bunny77]

Did you go through your season on men approaching you that were fundamentally good men, but you knew wasn't the one.

I don't believe that one can really know immediately who's "the one" and who's not. I typically let those fundamentally good men pursue me out of the belief that one of them could be "the one" and I just need to let them show me.

"The One" usually doesn't present himself in a woman's life like a beauty pageant contestant with a big "The One" sash and a halo on top of his head.

 

[Raspberry]

"The One" usually doesn't present himself in a woman's life like a beauty pageant contestant with a big "The One" sash and a halo on top of his head.

Really?? erplexed That sucks cause I've always imagined mine arriving at my door looking something like this:

or this .. he's modeling his evening wear

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great post Bunny! I completely agree. Give some guys a chance.

I don't believe in settling either, but I think there is a healthy medium. I don't care about race, age (within 10 yrs +/-), or even if he has a 4-year college degree. As long as he's smart, spiritual, a good person, treats me well, and REASONABLY attractive. My problem is the guys who usually like me are either uglier than sin, got personality "issues", or are dull as doornails.
He doesn't have to be conventionally "handsome", but as long as he has that SOMETHING (spark? lol), then I can be attracted to him. In fact, most of the time I don't go for the typical "pretty boys". But he has to be attractive to ME.

Now if there are personality clashes, lack of agreement on key issues and all of that, then definitely let them go. But it is not settling to choose a man who may not fit what you THINK you want, but has so many other qualities that are wonderful that he begins to grow on you.

Just out of curiosity...do you think women ever "grow" on men?? Or, do you think men typically get what they 100% want with a woman? Idk...call me cynical, but why do I feel like men wouldn't "settle"? And if a woman had to "grow" on them, they wouldn't even be bothered! Why do I feel this way?


BTW...ROTFL @ Raspberry!

 

[Bunny77]

Great post Bunny! I completely agree. Give some guys a chance.

I don't believe in settling either, but I think there is a healthy medium. I don't care about race, age (within 10 yrs +/-), or even if he has a 4-year college degree. As long as he's smart, spiritual, a good person, treats me well, and REASONABLY attractive. My problem is the guys who usually like me are either uglier than sin, got personality "issues", or are dull as doornails.
He doesn't have to be conventionally "handsome", but as long as he has that SOMETHING (spark? lol), then I can be attracted to him. In fact, most of the time I don't go for the typical "pretty boys". But he has to be attractive to ME.

You seem like you have good standards! And those guys you mentioned that you passed up seemed to be worth passing up! Trust me, I don't give a bunch of chances to oogly dudes with issues and no personality!

Just out of curiosity...do you think women ever "grow" on men?? Or, do you think men typically get what they 100% want with a woman? Idk...call me cynical, but why do I feel like men wouldn't "settle"? And if a woman had to "grow" on them, they wouldn't even be bothered! Why do I feel this way?

I do think that women "grow" on men, but in a different way than men grow on women.

Okay, so say that a man's ideal is a Halle Berry type. Now, say he's out somewhere and he gets to talking to Miss Not Halle Berry, but he feels some level of attraction to her. He doesn't know why, but he does. I think he will pursue that woman.

I don't think however, that if a woman is a longtime friend of a man, that one day he'll wake up and say, "She's the one! What have I been waiting for?" I think men decide much more quickly who they want, and then pursue after that, but they are often surprised sometimes by the women that they discover they like and end up pursuing.

So they "settle" too... lol... the process is just different!

 

[Nyssa28]

Bunny is speakin the truth!

 

[LightEyedMami]

Umm, as far as Men are concerned i actually know very few men that have married women that were not their type in pretty much every way, But i do know quite a few women (some aunts, and girls i went to school with that "settled") women (from what i've seen) settle alot more than men do when it comes to marriage partners, i really don't feel like anyone should settle. There's never a reason to lower your standards just to get someone fast , everyone should remember that "anything good is worth waiting for" so usually the man that was right there "for the picking" more than likely not worth looking twice at.

 

[ebonylocs]

Umm, as far as Men are concerned i actually know very few men that have married women that were not their type in pretty much every way, But i do know quite a few women (some aunts, and girls i went to school with that "settled") women (from what i've seen) settle alot more than men do when it comes to marriage partners, i really don't feel like anyone should settle. There's never a reason to lower your standards just to get someone fast , everyone should remember that "anything good is worth waiting for" so usually the man that was right there "for the picking" more than likely not worth looking twice at.

But you are someone who has someone approaching you everyday. Those who have less choices than you do might have to be more pragmatic in order to get *what's most important to them.*

I.e. if the holy grail for them is marriage and children, and men aren't lining up around the block, waiting around for "The One" until they're 45 is not the business. However, if what's most important to them is a passionate, once-in-a-lifetime relationship, they may wait as long as it takes.

Different goals (and different prospects) merit different approaches.

 

[jade998]

I hear you Ladies, I was talking to a friend and she mentioned that if you don't see yourself with them, then what is the point of talking them away for the ladies they are supposed to be with.

Trust me, I went through a very dry spell for 1.5 years and I have been praying to God about my Husband, and asking God to bring him into my life. And It feels like in the last 2 months, I seem to be getting guys just trying to talk to me, but none of them are men I would marry.

1 is a very great guy, can be a bit harsh in his speaking and is a construction worker - I am looking for someone with a university degree (I have a masters in economics)
2 works in fashion, but is a bit shorter than me and much shorther when I wear my heels, also doen't have a degree. But we can talk all day and have a laugh and he is very ambitious
3 also in fashion, is ambitious, but no spark, however is a great man of God and has really been there when I needed someone to talk to spiritually
4 is the son of my uncle (through marriage) cousin, no spark, comes across really well mannered, but there isn't the talk - Family love him and keep talking about him because he is nigerian - like me
5 is the friend of the one I like and I don't if he has told "the one I like" his intention and that is why he hasn't really done anything. I used to think that he might like me too, but lately, I am feeling like I am putting to much energy into it

I do think that I might be that I am waiting for the one I like to make a move and I am almost irritated by these guys making a play for me, but you are right, I should just go on my business and if he wants to make a move then, so be it but be ready for God to show him to me.

Thanks ladies, can you tell, I was at a wedding over the weekend. I think I just panicked. I would rather spend a year or two on the single side making sure I meet the right one, than add those years to a miserable marriage.

 

[jade998]

I haven't experienced this quite to that extent, but 5 men seems like a lot to not be interested in any of them at all. It could just be unlucky.

Could it be that you're holding out for that one that you're interested in and so closing yourself off to the others?

I have been thinking about that. But before he came into the picture, I never really like any of them. I have to admit that the guy I like is everything and more that I have been looking for - looks and personality.

I prayed to God at the begining of the year, asking him, how I was going to meet my husband. I live in London, and this city can be tough. I was honest to God. I told him, I love my church amd I dont want to move (my mum has been pushing for me to leave as she thinks the man I should be with isn't there) and I didn't want to start hitting the club looking desperate. I told him that I really can't see in the flesh how I was going to meet someone that I would fall for, and two weeks later, he walked into my church and was everything I could ever want - down to looking like common LOLOL - I love common, like, I really really love common.

 

[Country gal]

I do have deal breakers and non negotiables. I have met men who have competely doted on me, and would give me the world if they had it. I get tired of dating potential. He needs to have financial stability. I can't deal with men who are late in life and just getting started.

 

[jade998]

The other thing I'd say in general to women is to not be so focused on instant chemistry, which is think is one of the most OVERRATED and faulty ways of determining whom you should date. We had a whole thread about this and I think women are shooting themselves in the foot by turning down promising guys with whom they interact well, but just don't feel "sparks" (initially). Most times, those early sparks and connections are just shallow feelings anyway... not that there's anything wrong with having them and they COULD possibly lead to something deeper... but the presence of those factors initially mean little in the long run.

If you want to be married to a good man who loves and cherishes you and worships your dirty drawls, then date the good nice guys who treat you well and stop passing them up for an "ideal" that may not be an ideal at all. You can decide later if they're not right for you, but at least give them a chance. I'd say three months is a good time period to know.

(Again, this assumes that the conversation is good, they're reasonably attractive and they're demonstrating a quality level of interest in getting to know you and not just trying to get some.)

I am having a hard time with that Bunny, I always use the spark to gauge my level of interest. I am guessing there is a difference between attraction and spark.

 

[LightEyedMami]

Don't worry jade you WILL find the man that is right for you...and im so jelly you live in London

 

[jade998]

I don't believe that one can really know immediately who's "the one" and who's not. I typically let those fundamentally good men pursue me out of the belief that one of them could be "the one" and I just need to let them show me.

"The One" usually doesn't present himself in a woman's life like a beauty pageant contestant with a big "The One" sash and a halo on top of his head.

Wow, bunny, maybe I have been doing this all wrong. I have been saying that once I meet the one, I would know. But I hear you on letting them show me that they are the one.

 

[jade998]

Don't worry jade you WILL find the man that is right for you...and im so jelly you live in London

Awwww.... Thanks. I truly believe that. Where do you live, you want to swap for a year

 

[Bunny77]

Umm, as far as Men are concerned i actually know very few men that have married women that were not their type in pretty much every way, But i do know quite a few women (some aunts, and girls i went to school with that "settled") women (from what i've seen) settle alot more than men do when it comes to marriage partners, i really don't feel like anyone should settle. There's never a reason to lower your standards just to get someone fast , everyone should remember that "anything good is worth waiting for" so usually the man that was right there "for the picking" more than likely not worth looking twice at.

I don't think anyone was suggesting that the OP or any other woman "settle" for anything.

There is a big difference between settling and having unreasonable standards. I'm not saying the OP has those either because I'm not in her shoes, but there are a lot of PEOPLE, men and women, who have unreasonable standards but then say, "Well, I won't SETTLE," when settling isn't even the issue really.

 

[Bunny77]

I hear you Ladies, I was talking to a friend and she mentioned that if you don't see yourself with them, then what is the point of talking them away for the ladies they are supposed to be with.

Trust me, I went through a very dry spell for 1.5 years and I have been praying to God about my Husband, and asking God to bring him into my life. And It feels like in the last 2 months, I seem to be getting guys just trying to talk to me, but none of them are men I would marry.

1 is a very great guy, can be a bit harsh in his speaking and is a construction worker - I am looking for someone with a university degree (I have a masters in economics)
2 works in fashion, but is a bit shorter than me and much shorther when I wear my heels, also doen't have a degree. But we can talk all day and have a laugh and he is very ambitious
3 also in fashion, is ambitious, but no spark, however is a great man of God and has really been there when I needed someone to talk to spiritually
4 is the son of my uncle (through marriage) cousin, no spark, comes across really well mannered, but there isn't the talk - Family love him and keep talking about him because he is nigerian - like me
5 is the friend of the one I like and I don't if he has told "the one I like" his intention and that is why he hasn't really done anything. I used to think that he might like me too, but lately, I am feeling like I am putting to much energy into it

I do think that I might be that I am waiting for the one I like to make a move and I am almost irritated by these guys making a play for me, but you are right, I should just go on my business and if he wants to make a move then, so be it but be ready for God to show him to me.

Thanks ladies, can you tell, I was at a wedding over the weekend. I think I just panicked. I would rather spend a year or two on the single side making sure I meet the right one, than add those years to a miserable marriage.

Okay, you are praying to God and perhaps God is listening and answering, but YOU might be the one getting in the way of any potential blessing God "might" be sending you.

Trust me, I'm not saying that any of those five guys are "the one." But it doesn't sound like the one you want is even remotely the one because he doesn't seem all that interested.

Now, my personal opinion...

Guy 1 would be a no way.

Guys 2-3, I'd give a chance.

Guy 4... is he really interested, or is family trying to bring you two together? I'd pass on him if he isn't the one pursuing, but if he is, I'd give him a chance.

The situation with Guy 5 seems a little messy.

I have been thinking about that. But before he came into the picture, I never really like any of them. I have to admit that the guy I like is everything and more that I have been looking for - looks and personality.

I prayed to God at the begining of the year, asking him, how I was going to meet my husband. I live in London, and this city can be tough. I was honest to God. I told him, I love my church amd I dont want to move (my mum has been pushing for me to leave as she thinks the man I should be with isn't there) and I didn't want to start hitting the club looking desperate. I told him that I really can't see in the flesh how I was going to meet someone that I would fall for, and two weeks later, he walked into my church and was everything I could ever want - down to looking like common LOLOL - I love common, like, I really really love common.

Okay, so is looking like Common going to make him get up at night and feed a crying baby and change some dirty diapers/nappies at 4 a.m.? Does looking like Common mean that he'll feed you soup when you're sick, take on extra jobs to pay the bills if needed and be a great overall husband and father?

What's really important here, if you are looking to get married and have a family?

Join a Common fan club if you want to talk to people about Common!

I am having a hard time with that Bunny, I always use the spark to gauge my level of interest. I am guessing there is a difference between attraction and spark.

Big difference. Let me say this... attraction is important. As I say all the time, trust me, I WILL absolutely be attracted to the man I marry. No question.

But there's a difference between, "Damn, he's fine," instant attraction, and "Damn, my husband is so sexy when he's putting up a new cabinet, playing with our kids and surprising me with cruise tickets," attraction.

From personal experience, I've had some really gorgeous guys become VERY ugly to me when they've shown me their true UGLY selves, and some "decent" dudes become quite attractive when they're worshipping the ground I walk on... they become GQ models, okay?

Wow, bunny, maybe I have been doing this all wrong. I have been saying that once I meet the one, I would know. But I hear you on letting them show me that they are the one.

Give it a try. It's not like the current plan is working, right?

Shoot, the guy I'm dating now -- who I'm really digging right now -- would be a dude I would walk right by if I passed him on the street randomly. Thank goodness someone fixed us up because they thought that we'd be a good match!!!

 

[Bunny77]

Just want to add as a general tip to everyone...

If decent men are asking you out, go out with them. Let them pursue you. Going on some dates with them doesn't mean you have to marry them.

Keep an open mind with all of the ones who are pursuing and then let the chips fall where they may. And don't pine for someone who isn't pursuing you and blocking out the others who might be better options for you when it's all said and done.

 

[jade998]

Thanks Bunny - You have been the cold dose of reality that I needed.

I meant that the guy I liked looked like common, and that was a added bonus. But I am going to move on and see what happens. I have to say that I have blocked all feeling for the other becasue I could never see myself with them, but marriage is more than that and I know that. I want a man to go above and beyound for our family and spark has nothing to do with it.

Man - This marriage thing is different from dating LOL. I am learning though.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks Bunny - You have been the cold dose of reality that I needed.

I meant that the guy I liked looked like common, and that was a added bonus. But I am going to move on and see what happens. I have to say that I have blocked all feeling for the other becasue I could never see myself with them, but marriage is more than that and I know that. I want a man to go above and beyound for our family and spark has nothing to do with it.

Man - This marriage thing is different from dating LOL. I am learning though.

Sorry... I edited my post because I misread what you said about him looking like Common. My bad.

Good luck and I hope that you end up with someone wonderful!

(And if you do end up with someone wonderful, you two will DEFINITELY have some sparks!!!)

 

[LightEyedMami]

i think the main point here is everyone wants different things in their partner and everyone will pick and choose the qualities they are willing to except and won't except, rather you choose to waive your standards (or) not is up to you, and you alone. i do STRONGLY believe that like with anything in life we will never go wrong with our first instinct, if your first instinct is to go on a date and give a man a chance than DO IT, but if something is telling you not to do it than DONT. I always regret something when i don't go with my first instinct.

Best wishes, i hope you find someone really special.