Relationships that lack balance

[PinkyRang]

I had a conversation with a coworker today where my comments were dismissed because I am young and unmarried. Basically, she was venting because he's not doing what he's supposed to do financially in the household/relationship. I stated that I would make it clear certain things need to be done, if he doesn't want to pay the cell bill, I would disconnect his to send a message.

Her reply was I wouldn't get married with that selfish attitude or I wouldn't be married for long. My reply was I can't see myself in an unbalanced relationship. Her reply, life happens what if the relationship becomes unbalanced financially? I told her it would depend on why it was unbalanced (if he was laid off and actively looking is different than he just doesn't contribute).

Is my age (25) and selfishness the reason that I don't understand these things. I'm not currently dating and its not because I'm not approached, I feel my time is valuable so why spend it with someone who's just ok so I won't be alone? I see no point in that so I date accordingly. But my question is, what is the correct way to handle a relationship with lack of balance?

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[MixedBerry]

Well it sounds like shes venting and defending him all in one swoop.

I think your responses were just fine.

As for obtaining balance, one has to decide just how much they are willing to be tipped off the scales due to an unbalance. I think it really depends on the person because what one may consider to be an unbalance may be just a nothing issue to the next.

The hard part, IMO, is doing what is best to obtain said balance. Sometimes that is very hard to do due to emotional attachment. When we are emotionally attached, we endure and suffer through waaaaaaaay more than what we should, all the while knowing things are unbalanced, yet so emotionally attached, we are frozen in the situation.

 

[Syrah]

No, your response wasn't wrong and no your age has nothing to do with your response. She's annoyed and feeling stuck...

I believe you can bring up any lack of balance that is reasonably within a person's ability to address. Just remember, change happens only when the person making the change sees a need to change...

So if she thinks he's slacking financially and he doesn't think so - that conversation (and her frustration) are going nowhere.

 

[PPGbubbles]

OP I'm 25 as well and your response sounded just fine to me. If speaking up for yourself is being selfish I don't think I will be married long either. I would rather have issues dealt with early on rather than allowing a man to take advantage of me because he is my husband

 

[PinkyRang]

OP I'm 25 as well and your response sounded just fine to me. If speaking up for yourself is being selfish I don't think I will be married long either. I would rather have issues dealt with early on rather than allowing a man to take advantage of me because he is my husband

ITA. I sometimes feel that people accept unbalanced situations because they are so afraid to be alone that they will put up with just about anything. I was raised by a single mom and so I don't feel less of a woman by not having a man. I feel that I am going to be ready when I find my husband and he won't be pulling any stunts like not paying bills even though he works.

My motto is I would rather be a happy single women than a miserable married one. Idk, I just wasn't raised to believe that women should support men financially. I think my father set the example that a man will do anything to provide for a special woman in his life. That may just be because he's my daddy. But any man who wants to potentially marry me needs to know I have standards that must be adhered to and I will not carry the financial burden of our family on my shoulders alone.

I don't even know how my FH would be able to deal with himself or me if that were to go on. Sorry for the long rant but I hear this same song and dance too often which is why I gave my input. He doesn't contribute because he doesn't have to.

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[PinkyRang]

I just realized that he is a KANG

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[Whimsy]

I just realized that he is a KANG

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died

 

[Giselle685]

stop feeding pearls to swine my dear... @PrettyBrownGirl86


When saying that , I mean, be cautious of giving rational information to those unwilling to hear.

The only point I can see her having is that-- you dont know her history and the reasons she used to make the decisions she made. Let her be great.. her life, your opinion.

 

[lexi08]

I am 39, divorced and your response was just fine. Some of these women in those situations just end up bitter and do nothing but complain. Don't get with a KANG just to have a man or husband, it is so not worth it

 

[PinkyRang]

Giselle685 She has told me enough to make me question men a million times before I waste my time. Her situation is like my cautionary tale against the wrong men. She always tells me don't ever get married and have kids, in my mind I'm always thinking no I just won't marry the wrong man to have kids with. I mean seriously things she's told me about him I wouldn't dare repeat to anyone (only me, him and God would know these secrets). I could not tell anyone about my SO abusing me or owing back child support. This equates to 2 things for me:

1. He doesn't know where his hands belong and I cannot re-raise anyone so I'll leave him to his mama

2. Somebody had to tell you to take care of your child? WTF? You still didn't do? OMG, Calgon take me away

I cannot give my time and energy to anyone who doesn't deserve it, it's just that simple for 25 yo unmarried me.

 

[MD_Lady]

I had a conversation with a coworker today where my comments were dismissed because I am young and unmarried. Basically, she was venting because he's not doing what he's supposed to do financially in the household/relationship. I stated that I would make it clear certain things need to be done, if he doesn't want to pay the cell bill, I would disconnect his to send a message.

Her reply was I wouldn't get married with that selfish attitude or I wouldn't be married for long. My reply was I can't see myself in an unbalanced relationship. Her reply, life happens what if the relationship becomes unbalanced financially? I told her it would depend on why it was unbalanced (if he was laid off and actively looking is different than he just doesn't contribute)...

And with all of that resentment and unwillingness to take an active role in changing her relationship, SHE wouldn't be married for long (and probably wouldn't EVER be happily married).

 

[caltron]

OP you're young but you have a good head on your shoulders! Some us of old broads have had to learn the hard way! Your coworker was having trouble defending her man's behavior so she had to start attacking you.

 

[MD_Lady]

@Giselle685 She has told me enough to make me question men a million times before I waste my time. Her situation is like my cautionary tale against the wrong men. She always tells me don't ever get married and have kids, in my mind I'm always thinking no I just won't marry the wrong man to have kids with. I mean seriously things she's told me about him I wouldn't dare repeat to anyone (only me, him and God would know these secrets). I could not tell anyone about my SO abusing me or owing back child support...

I hate when people do this... People shouldn't knock marriage just because THEY aren't happy in THEIR marriage or having children just because THEY are having family problems. Getting married at the right time and to the right person is EVERYTHING. I don't have children, but I'd venture to say there's a LOT to be said for choosing your child's other parent wisely and choosing the time you become a parent carefully. Her advice to you should be to commit yourself to using your better judgement, not to avoid marriage and parenthood entirely.

 

[PinkyRang]

I hate when people do this... People shouldn't knock marriage just because THEY aren't happy in THEIR marriage or having children just because THEY are having family problems. Getting married at the right time and to the right person is EVERYTHING. I don't have children, but I'd venture to say there's a LOT to be said for choosing your child's other parent wisely and choosing the time you become a parent carefully. Her advice to you should be to commit yourself to using your better judgement, not to avoid marriage and parenthood entirely.

I agree with the bolded 100%, I feel like some people don't see having a child with someone as a huge commitment. I see it as a bigger commitment than marriage actually.