Mitre
Well-Known Member
Taken from http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html
4) "These women are living in Reality II (seeking mutuality), and therefore, find the abuse always shocking and incomprehensible. They, like many, tell us that this behavior drives a woman away, eventually, rather than "keeping" her in the relationship - eventually gives her the determination to leave. Abusers do not seem to be able to understand this or to change their behavior when their mates begin to protest. Generally they become more controlling and more abusive when their mates begin to protest.
By saying and doing everything possible to diminish her, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect." pages 30 - 31
7) "The purpose of controlling behavior is to destroy your partner by depriving her of commonly held resources that are essential to her well-being and sense of integrity." page 33
8) Methods of control (pages 33-38)
11) "The abuser is often so good at control that he can turn his intimidating displays on and off in order to continue to "look good" to the outside world." page 40
12) Techniques of the Verbal Abuser (pages 40-42)
She couldn't say "Stop it" or "That hurts!" If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her "like dead meat on a hook." So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was "gone" to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I'm protected.
37) Ten Common Traps (pages 113)
44) "All verbal abuse is invalidating of another's personhood. Validation is most easily achieved through common courtesy and respect for the other's individuality." page 193
45) "One cannot necessarily get a verbal abuser to recognize his behavior, much less realize its destructiveness." page 193 46) "If the partner of an abuser leaves the relationship and then comes back thinking he's changed, the abuser will almost always intensify the abusive behavior. Why? Because from his standpoint, if he'd really had enough control the first time, she wouldn't have gotten away." page 194
4) "These women are living in Reality II (seeking mutuality), and therefore, find the abuse always shocking and incomprehensible. They, like many, tell us that this behavior drives a woman away, eventually, rather than "keeping" her in the relationship - eventually gives her the determination to leave. Abusers do not seem to be able to understand this or to change their behavior when their mates begin to protest. Generally they become more controlling and more abusive when their mates begin to protest.
By saying and doing everything possible to diminish her, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect." pages 30 - 31
7) "The purpose of controlling behavior is to destroy your partner by depriving her of commonly held resources that are essential to her well-being and sense of integrity." page 33
8) Methods of control (pages 33-38)
- 1. Controlling her time
- -"If she tells him she is unhappy about the incident, he will usually deny that it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight."
- -"Controlling her social space by limiting her contacts with friends, for example, saying she's not home when she is, or by refusing to allow her to invite others over."
-"Controlling her intellectual space by using elaborate arguments to wear her down in a discussion or by interrupting her."
-"Invading her quiet tine, for example, by talking to her when she wants to be alone."
-"Invading her privacy, demanding details of her activities, or opening her mail or packages."
-"Interrupting her sleep."
-"Pressuring her to have sex."
- -". . . by withholding general information and financial information as well as by withholding money, or work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting" "
- -Sulking
-Refusing to talk
-Withdrawing affection
-Strutting and posturing
-Stomping out
-Walking away
-Hitting something
-Kicking something
-Driving recklessly
6. Controlling by defining her motivations
7. Controlling by assigning status
11) "The abuser is often so good at control that he can turn his intimidating displays on and off in order to continue to "look good" to the outside world." page 40
12) Techniques of the Verbal Abuser (pages 40-42)
- 1. Withholding
- "By withholding, the verbal abuser is saying, I've got something you want and I can withhold it from you. Therefore, I am in control. Or, If I don't respond, if I refuse to answer, I can control the outcome, that is, I can maintain the status quo. I can be sure that there will be no change. I don't have to ask. I don't say "no." I don't have to say "yes." I don't have to be vulnerable. I can stay in control and therefore risk nothing."
- "By countering his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I can think for both of us. What you think is wrong. What I think is right. If I can get you to doubt yourself, I can control you more easily. "
- "By discounting his partner's perceptions, the verbal abuser is saying, I can decree the worthlessness of your perceptions and actions. I am not accountable. I can stay in control."
- "By telling his partner that the abuse is only a joke, the verbal abuser is saying, I feel so up putting you down that I never want to give it up, so I decree that my comments are humorous - I'm in control. I can say what I want."
- "By thwarting his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I do not accept any responsibility to respond to you as a rational person, so I can change the conservation at will -I am in control."_
- "By blaming his partner for his abuse of her, the verbal abuser is saying, You are to blame for your pain and for everything I say or do to you and for everything that isn't the way I want it to be , so I do not have to stop my behavior. I'm in control."
- "By judging and criticizing his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I tell you what is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you and therefore in control of you."
- "By pretending that his partner, or her actions or perceptions or opinions or thoughts or concerns, are less than they are, the verbal abuser is saying, When you see how insignificant you are, I will have more power over you."
- "By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control."
- "With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have Power Over you. I am in control. Do as I say. If you don't, I'll . . ., or if you don't, you might get hurt - implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall."
- "By calling names, the abuser is saying, You do not exist. You are annihilated, you are now BLANK. Now that you are wiped out, I'm in control, just like in a war."
- "When the abuser regularly forgets appointments, agreements and/or incidents, he is saying, I'm in control of your time, energy, or reality and I don't have to be accountable because I'm in control."
- "With these direct displays of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have a right to assert Power Over you in an overt act of control. If all the other intimidating behaviors achieved my goal, you will do as I demand."
- "By denying all of his abusive behavior, the abuser is saying, I can keep everything exactly as it is, with you under my control, and I will not be held accountable."
- "By being abusively angry, the abuser is saying, As long as I am scary and threatening to you I can have my way."
She couldn't say "Stop it" or "That hurts!" If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her "like dead meat on a hook." So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was "gone" to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I'm protected.
- He would then apologize to win her back.
She would accept.
The cycle could begin again at any moment.
What this couple had done is take the concept of blame and make her guilty of blaming if she dared let him know he was abusing her. The one thing the abuser wants most is for his partner to take responsibility for his feelings - just as the rapist wants his victim to be blamed for his violence.
Even more astonishing is that in order to reinforce her agreement to endure her pain without flinching or revealing it (other than by saying, "I'm protected") the woman seemed to believe that is she expressed her pain by crying out, "That hurts!" she would be "being a victim." This fit nicely with her abuser's desire to inflict pain without having to hear a complaint.
Thus, the person actually being protected was the abuser." page 82-83
37) Ten Common Traps (pages 113)
- 1. The Explaining Trap
- Victims often feel that "It is equally incomprehensible that the abuse has nothing to do with her." If she can just explain things right, he'll see her side. It only gives him more ammunition.
3. The "He Doesn't Really Mean It so It Shouldn't Hurt" Trap
4. The "I Should Be Able to Take It" Trap
5. The "Saying 'I'm Hurt' Is Blaming" Trap
6. The "Setting a Good Example" Trap
7. The "I Am Responsible" Trap
8. The "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" Trap
9. Emotional and Financial Traps- from a letter by L.D., Loveland, Co: "For the longest time I felt if I just did this or that "things" would be better. Not! He'd just change his method of abuse. Every time I told him he was hurting me _he'd do something worse."_ [my emphasis]
44) "All verbal abuse is invalidating of another's personhood. Validation is most easily achieved through common courtesy and respect for the other's individuality." page 193
45) "One cannot necessarily get a verbal abuser to recognize his behavior, much less realize its destructiveness." page 193 46) "If the partner of an abuser leaves the relationship and then comes back thinking he's changed, the abuser will almost always intensify the abusive behavior. Why? Because from his standpoint, if he'd really had enough control the first time, she wouldn't have gotten away." page 194
