So a couple of recent threads have gotten me thinking. People say there are signs from a man (or woman) who is more likely to abuse their partner. There are even people who say they have been abused and attacked and should have recognized the signs or that there were signs that they recognize now that they look back on it. So what are these signs? General and specific. Actions or personality traits.
Recognizing the signs of a would-be abuser
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Latomian
New Member
One big red flag is controlling behavior. I had a friend back in high school who met a guy that gradually wanted her to STOP hanging out with her friends. Completely. Then, he got mad when she told us about them going out. He had to know where she was every hour of the day and left "nasty" voicemail messages if he called her and she wasn't available.
Miz_Complexity
New Member
Abusers pay mind games and convince t you that you are worthless and he or she is the only one you are meant to be with. They play on your insecurities and they try to control you.
I had a relative who was involve with an abuser, she could not have a moments peace from this man, he had to know the exact time she was coming home from church, school, and work, he did not even want her to attend our family dinners. Enough was enough when she came over with bruises on her body. My Cousins and Uncle went to talk to home boy and we never heard from him again.
I had a relative who was involve with an abuser, she could not have a moments peace from this man, he had to know the exact time she was coming home from church, school, and work, he did not even want her to attend our family dinners. Enough was enough when she came over with bruises on her body. My Cousins and Uncle went to talk to home boy and we never heard from him again.
rainbowknots
New Member
I just had a convo with my mom about this the other day. She said that when she used to date, that was one of the first questions she asked them "do you hit women". A man that doesn't would generally give replies like "never in a million years" or just "I would NEVER lay my hands on a woman". Men that typically hit women would give responses like "Not if she didn't make me" and things along that line
Their parents did it. My hubs learned from his dad, and never went to therapy about it.
They start by restricting you, socially. He wanted approval on who my friends would be, and where I went.
Verbally abusive. Before he ever raised his hand, I remember this male neighbor was always knocking on our door to see if I was OK. We were always having screaming fights. This is very unlike me.
Stalker behavior when you break up - it's not a compliment to you - it says something about him.
Once I locked him out of the apartment and he broke the door down, again, all the while claiming he would never be abusive.
***Once we had a "pillow fight" and he hit me so hard that I was knocked over. I never knew a pillow could hit so hard. I couldn't see for a few seconds.
They start by restricting you, socially. He wanted approval on who my friends would be, and where I went.
Verbally abusive. Before he ever raised his hand, I remember this male neighbor was always knocking on our door to see if I was OK. We were always having screaming fights. This is very unlike me.
Stalker behavior when you break up - it's not a compliment to you - it says something about him.
Once I locked him out of the apartment and he broke the door down, again, all the while claiming he would never be abusive.
***Once we had a "pillow fight" and he hit me so hard that I was knocked over. I never knew a pillow could hit so hard. I couldn't see for a few seconds.
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Studio_gal
Well-Known Member
Here are some old threads that was about signs of abuse. There are quite a few. I'll add or bump them when I find them.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=229763&highlight=signs+abuse
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=141855&highlight=signs+abuse
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=229763&highlight=signs+abuse
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=141855&highlight=signs+abuse
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awhyley
Well-Known Member
Definitely agree with the bolded. They'll set you up to look like the fool and bring what little self-esteem you have down to zero. Even if he hasn't raised his hand to you, when you see this, pack your sh*t up and get the heck out. It gets worse after this, way worse.
anewday
Active Member
ditto to that. my dad was an abuser and that was all in him.for his woman he had to know everything and he was a BIG DRINKER.He use to follow my mom around and throw her into alley, he had to have the last word. and he thought he was Right about everything...just a total big baby
those are the abusers.
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
And yes, I know too much about abuse..
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
And yes, I know too much about abuse..
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
And yes, I know too much about abuse..
This is a great list and I agree with all of it.
Women need to be especially weary of those "oh he's so into me' behaviors you mentioned. If you pay attention to those in the beginning, you might save yourself a lot of time and drama later.
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
Girl you ain't neva lied. Red flags all over, but the women are like this...:reddancer:
thank you for the replies, ladies.
omg, that sounds so scary. i'm sorry. i can't believe that "pillow fight".
thank you for this list. this all makes a lot of sense. the rules, no outlets. i've seen that "gotta go with you everywhere" thing before.
omg, that sounds so scary. i'm sorry. i can't believe that "pillow fight".
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
And yes, I know too much about abuse..
thank you for this list. this all makes a lot of sense. the rules, no outlets. i've seen that "gotta go with you everywhere" thing before.
I disagree about these "signs". Men who are abusive will usually keep this side of them underwraps during the courting stage.
It's only after you two become "comfortable" will he let out certain things. To me, after the first slap, punch, etc., you should leave. He's not completely in love with you yet, so there's still time to get away.
You will NOT be able to change him and the "marker" isn't worth it. Women usually put up with this crap initially cause the sex is good. It's usually hard to find a lover that you click with, so you put up with crap that you wouldn't from a whack lover.
I'm not going to get into my personal history here, but I can honestly say that good "markers" aren't that hard to find. Many times, you NEED TO TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT in order to make it happen. Men aren't mind readers. What works for one woman doesn't always work for another and vice versa.
To recap: the "signs" aren't immediately apparent in the beginning. Hopefully, his f'd up side will manifest before you "fall in love" with him.
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
I went go with a guy (in the entertainment business) who told me most performers have "issues" and laater started screaming at me over the phone because he thought I was taking this DEAD mother's side in a conversation!
I dropppppped him wiith quickness! One of my girlfriend kept saying that I should forgive him (that *itch was crazy too) but I trusted my instincts!
Whenever he sees me, he starts that you're the ONE that got away yada yada.......what went wrong bull?
I dropppppped him wiith quickness! One of my girlfriend kept saying that I should forgive him (that *itch was crazy too) but I trusted my instincts!
Whenever he sees me, he starts that you're the ONE that got away yada yada.......what went wrong bull?
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
And yes, I know too much about abuse..
The sad thing is that many misguded women think that this behavior means HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME!
Encore
New Member
i agree with all of this.
Originally Posted by crlsweetie912 View Post
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
...ALSO your right not all of them show that in the beginning some are much much later on or when under extreme stress.
That's why you gotta love yourself more than anybody else. If you don't they will play on your self esteem and then you feel like you can't do better. Thats why when I feel sad i lay in bed for a while then I pick myself up and cowash, mani & pedi. Something that makes me feel good.
Originally Posted by crlsweetie912 View Post
I am coming to believe that most if not all forms of abuse are about CONTROL.
-he wants to buy your clothes (so he can control what you wear)
-calls incessantly (you think "he's so into me" naw, it's about control)
-1000 times yes to the mind games (abusers are VERY smart and manipulative)
-Has to go with you EVERYWHERE (again you think it's "cute" till your man is sitting up in the hair salon with you...wth...)
-makes you choose between him and friends/family (doesn't want you to have an "outlet" who will tell you that the behavior he's exhibiting isn't healthy)
-Makes you think you can't do better (major emotional abuse tactic)
-is VERY attached to you really early in the relationship (you and him date once or twice and he's "your man")
-he can do whatever he wants but you have "rules" (a grown woman shouldn't have a bunch of rules she has to adhere to)
...ALSO your right not all of them show that in the beginning some are much much later on or when under extreme stress.
That's why you gotta love yourself more than anybody else. If you don't they will play on your self esteem and then you feel like you can't do better. Thats why when I feel sad i lay in bed for a while then I pick myself up and cowash, mani & pedi. Something that makes me feel good.
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
Controlling
Discounts your feelings
Belittles You
Makes Alarming Comments: "most women fantasize about or want to be raped.” “while you’re sleeping, I’m awake things (he’s not pondering Nietzsche either), tells you he’ll kill himself if you leave it (if he makes this threat make sure the insurance policy list you as the beneficiary and then leave … lol )
Tries to isolate you from your friends and says your friends are stupid and you do not need them
If the person watches "certain kinds of "porn … BEWARE
Lack of impulse control that puts himself and or you in danger, emotionally (psychologically), physically and/or sexually
Goes through your journals/diary and mail
Constant calling and showing up …always has to be up under you
Did he grow up in a home where he saw abuse on a regular basis.
Was he abused and has yet to work through it
EXTREMELY insecure
Sexually overbearing … if you can’t even snuggle with the person without them wanting to have sex, no matter how many time a that day you may have had sex, they still are not pleased … they constantly need more
starts talking about committment/MARRIAGE VERY early in the relationship... maybe even the first week or 2 or month... I mean very early!
Uses your car, but AOAS something is wrong with it after he's used it. Destroy or "injure" your mode of transpotation makes it easier for him to control you and keep an eye on you.
They push you and try to justify it
… this is just to name a few
Discounts your feelings
Belittles You
Makes Alarming Comments: "most women fantasize about or want to be raped.” “while you’re sleeping, I’m awake things (he’s not pondering Nietzsche either), tells you he’ll kill himself if you leave it (if he makes this threat make sure the insurance policy list you as the beneficiary and then leave … lol )
Tries to isolate you from your friends and says your friends are stupid and you do not need them
If the person watches "certain kinds of "porn … BEWARE
Lack of impulse control that puts himself and or you in danger, emotionally (psychologically), physically and/or sexually
Goes through your journals/diary and mail
Constant calling and showing up …always has to be up under you
Did he grow up in a home where he saw abuse on a regular basis.
Was he abused and has yet to work through it
EXTREMELY insecure
Sexually overbearing … if you can’t even snuggle with the person without them wanting to have sex, no matter how many time a that day you may have had sex, they still are not pleased … they constantly need more
starts talking about committment/MARRIAGE VERY early in the relationship... maybe even the first week or 2 or month... I mean very early!
Uses your car, but AOAS something is wrong with it after he's used it. Destroy or "injure" your mode of transpotation makes it easier for him to control you and keep an eye on you.
They push you and try to justify it
… this is just to name a few
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awhyley
Well-Known Member
Huh?
Never thought about the car issue, thanks. Good lookin out.
SelfStyled
Well-Known Member
Controlling behavior- you have rules to follow, etc, you have to report to him about what you have done, who you talked to, what was said and where you are going. etc.
Anger management problems- They might have a prior criminal record, no friends, quick to temper. If their ex girlfriend had a restraining order against them please do not think that you will be the one to change their behavior cause that probably will not happen.
Isolation- They try to cut off your ties with your family, friends, or coworkers. They don't "allow" you to go places.
Blame- You are responsible for everything that goes wrong and they are always right.
Manipulative- As in they try to manipulate, your thoughts and alway get you to see things "their" way.
Sex- Making you do sex acts that you don't want to do.
Random other things:
When they ask you how many people you have slept and are expecting specific details and recounts.
Calling you incessantly throughout the day
Poor relationship with their mom
Jealous
Insecure
I can't think of anything else right now.
Anger management problems- They might have a prior criminal record, no friends, quick to temper. If their ex girlfriend had a restraining order against them please do not think that you will be the one to change their behavior cause that probably will not happen.
Isolation- They try to cut off your ties with your family, friends, or coworkers. They don't "allow" you to go places.
Blame- You are responsible for everything that goes wrong and they are always right.
Manipulative- As in they try to manipulate, your thoughts and alway get you to see things "their" way.
Sex- Making you do sex acts that you don't want to do.
Random other things:
When they ask you how many people you have slept and are expecting specific details and recounts.
Calling you incessantly throughout the day
Poor relationship with their mom
Jealous
Insecure
I can't think of anything else right now.
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crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
Your list is almost exactly like mine!!!!
Also, does things to get back at you.
You didn't do A, so I am going to do B to punish you.
Really childish, petty. The LITTLEST things set them off. You didn't do the laundry YET. You didn't call *** about something. You left xyz in the car. Just minor stuff that blows up into a huge argument.
SelfStyled
Well-Known Member
Yes, Yes and Yes! It's almost like all the little petty arguments are to always keep you feeling distracted and confused.
I hadn't thought about that trait, but I can see your point.
I thought of 1 other thing and that is around appearnce, saying things to you like, why do you need to wear mascara, eyeshadow whatever....All because they don't want you to look your best.
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MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
The signs of abuse such has jealousy, controlling behavior, violent tempers etc.. will come out if the woman takes time to get to know her partner. I know what I'm about to say sounds "outdated" to most folks but STOP HAVING SEX WITH THESE MEN! Waiting is so beneficial to your mind, body and soul. There are diseases out there and the risk of pregnancy. Not to mention a broken heart. If you don't want to wait marriage then at least give yourself six months before sleeping with the guy. Sex tends to cloud the judgement and can cause unhealthy attachments/ soul ties. If the man really likes you he will wait. If he doens't then isn't it better that you didn't give your body to him in the first place? Abusers are experts in picking up pray. If you are a strong willed woman who has a strong support system with either family and/or friends then abusers will tend to stay away from you. When woman is loney, has low self esteem, and need validation from other people, she is more likely to become a victim of abuse.
Mitre
Well-Known Member
The verbally abusive relationship and controlling people by patricia evans are two excellent book that explain abuse relationships.
listed below are 15 categories of verbal abuse taken from The verbally abusive relationship
listed below are 15 categories of verbal abuse taken from The verbally abusive relationship
- withholding
- countering
- discounting
- verbal abuse disguise as a joke
- blocking and diverting
- accusing and blaming
- judging and criticizing
- trivializing
- undermining
- threatening
- name calling
- forgetting
- ordering
- denial
- abusive anger
AngelicRose07
back from years of hiatus
This is an excellent and eye-opening thread, thanks for creating and posting in it 
JewelleNY
Well-Known Member
1. Unexplained holes in the wall.
I remember seeing oddly placed pictures on my ex's wall. One day, about a year or two into the relationship, he told me how he had punched the wall when he was on the phone with a family member who was ill and he couldn't help. I later put 2 and 2 together and went downstairs and looked behind like 3 of these pics and say huge, punched in holes
erplexed
2. Very manipulative, will make you think they know you better than anyone.
I woke up one day when I realized he wasn't all that smart, he just had me believing he was.
3. They will give you hints.
In the beginning my ex would show me let me read his short stories, he was a writer. The stories had a theme of necrophilia and were basically about two people engaged in a volatile realtionship. The stories were very abstract and fell into the sci-fi category. I think he was trying to warn me.
4. Become very attached quickly (this was mentioned earlier).
In the beginning I went home (about 3 hours away) for Thanksgiving for the weekend (I was in college). He literally took my pillow, sprayed it with my vanilla perfume and walked around with it hugging it and crying begging me not to leave. What was more embarrassing was his sister was there and he didn't seem to care. It was very odd becuase he was always so cool and collected.
5. Don't always fall for the stereotypes.
This guy was soft-spoken, his best friend was a feminist/lesbian, had a set of progressive, feminist friends. He cooked for me, brought me nice presents, was very attentive.
Unfortunately, I attract these types of guys.
I remember seeing oddly placed pictures on my ex's wall. One day, about a year or two into the relationship, he told me how he had punched the wall when he was on the phone with a family member who was ill and he couldn't help. I later put 2 and 2 together and went downstairs and looked behind like 3 of these pics and say huge, punched in holes
erplexed2. Very manipulative, will make you think they know you better than anyone.
I woke up one day when I realized he wasn't all that smart, he just had me believing he was.
3. They will give you hints.
In the beginning my ex would show me let me read his short stories, he was a writer. The stories had a theme of necrophilia and were basically about two people engaged in a volatile realtionship. The stories were very abstract and fell into the sci-fi category. I think he was trying to warn me.
4. Become very attached quickly (this was mentioned earlier).
In the beginning I went home (about 3 hours away) for Thanksgiving for the weekend (I was in college). He literally took my pillow, sprayed it with my vanilla perfume and walked around with it hugging it and crying begging me not to leave. What was more embarrassing was his sister was there and he didn't seem to care. It was very odd becuase he was always so cool and collected.
5. Don't always fall for the stereotypes.
This guy was soft-spoken, his best friend was a feminist/lesbian, had a set of progressive, feminist friends. He cooked for me, brought me nice presents, was very attentive.
Unfortunately, I attract these types of guys.
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
Ok, I should have explained the porn comment a bit more. If he is watching porn where women are abused or rape is being acted out ... BEWARE. If he likes porn that portrays women as teenagers or young girls or where the females look terribly under age, BEWARE. I can almost guarantee that he will mistreat you sexually in someway or has been involved in illegal sexual activity in the past.
Be aware of and listen carefully to how he justifies watching such things too. ..
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