Psychology Today has Relationship Rules....

[ThePerfectScore]

So we all know rules when it comes to relationships rules can be dangerous. Many of these so called "rules" are antiquated and fictional gender norms that can end up doing more hard than good and prevent relationship growth. Everyone's relationship is different, so there is not a hard set of rules that can govern ALL relationships...

But by george I think Psychology Today has posted some rules I can definitely live by. I've broken many of these rules in the past and regret doing so because I probably sabotaged my relationships before they started....

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so. It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.
From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.

• Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

This is definitely good to read as I enter into the first steps of a relationship or could be relationship. I just met the guy on Tuesday , but I'm a firm believer in how you enter into a relationship has lasting impact and will set the tone for the relationship... and maybe even contribute to how you end a relationship.

As this guy was picking my brain about what I wanted in a relationship and my first impressions of him I noticed my tried and not so true relationship defense mechanisms were kicking in. Where I'd avoid the question, be passive aggressive, etc, especially when it comes to conveying my needs in a relationship. In the past the guys I were with never asked me what I wanted in a relationship and failed to give clear answers when I asked them, so I learned in error that it was best not to communicate or bring it up directly. I used to convey my needs in passive aggressive ways that usually lead to my feelings getting hurt or being frustrated. So as I had this conversation with the new guy... and I found myself avoiding answering the questions that could result in criticized answers, I had to acknowledge what I was doing. I told him, "Sorry. I tend to do this a lot. Avoid questions and be passive aggressive... I'm trying not to be that way any more." He was very encouraging and said, "Well we're going to have to change that. I want you to talk to me." Even as I turned my head away he wouldn't let me. (He won mad points for that...even though I still think he talks too much )

Anyway... one part of the conversation that really stuck out in my mind was when he asked me what I want in a guy... I mean if you've read my blog I have a clear cut answer of what I don't want... and even a list of requirements about what I do want, but all those requirements were more so actions I wanted performed than really about the mind set I want in a guy. So I finally opened up to him and shared a list... and on my list was, "Oh and I'm a bit of an attention whore. I like attention...I like attentive guys." So he looked at me and asked, "So do you tell the person when you're not getting enough attention?" I answered, "No... I don't. I don't feel like I should have to ask." And he looked me striaght in the eye and asked, "So you wouldn't ask me for more attention?" OMG SWOONNNNNN, I think it was the piercing eye contact... and he's a male model so he has those intense looks down... (hmm maybe he was running game :scratchch... well it was working ).

Anyway it's going to take some getting used to the whole communication and honesty in a relationship thing, since in the past my attempts at both back fired and left me salty.

I think this guidance on relationships from Psychology Today is def something to think about. It's such common sense stuff, but often we don't do what we know we should in relationships for fear of getting hurt, getting judged, or disapproval. Not any more... I'm going to voice what I want in my relationships and not settle! No more passive aggressive relationships for me.

 

[panamoni]

Great list. Thanks for sharing!