Pregnant With An Unhappy/scared/unsupportive Dh

Farida

Farida

Well-Known Member
Hi ladies, one of my BFFs is pregnant. She and her DH have been married for 5 years and this is their first child. They had wanted to wait to have kids once DH was making enought money for her to be a SAHM but Welp she's pregnant.

Her DH is not happy and says how he feels does not matter. I think more than anything he is scared because he is an uber responsible/strategic type dude. I don't know what advice to offer since I have no kids and have never been in this type of situation. Has anyone dealt with an unhappy or unsupportive or scared DH or SO and what encouragement can I provide her with?
 
I think all you can do is listen and be there. I agree it will probably get better with time and also that he should be amping up his masterplan for upping his salary anyway.

I am curious as to what method of protection they were using.

I find a large majority of men that get upset about surprise babies were leaving precautions up to the woman or have risky sex here and there. If you 100% do not want a baby then you need to act like that impecibly in your sex life or STFU if something happens. JMO.

I only feel sorry for men who did everything they could.
 
Miss617 said:
Honestly, the only thing she can do is give him time. As she gets further along and the reality that he is going to be a father sinks in, he'll come to his senses. Once the baby comes, all those feelings will go out the window.
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I think so too. He is one of those people who is so good with other people's kids and actually worked as a sitter when he was in college. I think he is just afraid because he loves to plan everything to a T and there's nothing like a baby to say *** you to every best laid plan there is.
 
CaraWalker said:
how much longer she sposed to wait though? 5 years is a long time especially in biological clock years.

i would think since he is already the responsible type this might be the push he needs to finally get more ambitious.
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I listen to a marriage counselor who often talks about how men often need responsibilities to drive their ambition. It comes a lot more naturally to women but if you spoil a man he will remain a child for as long as he possibly can...
 
Miss617 said:
Honestly, the only thing she can do is give him time. As she gets further along and the reality that he is going to be a father sinks in, he'll come to his senses. Once the baby comes, all those feelings will go out the window.
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I just tried to encourage her by telling her getting stressed will not change his feelings and will only harm her and the baby. Plus I said I have no money to offer her but I can offer her all the excitement missing from him until he comes around...she can gush to me about baby things and pregnancy aches and cravings.

Also that whether or not he is excited her better treat her well or else I'm going to go kick his a***
 
Her husband of 5 years is upset that his wife is pregnant? I mean, if he didn't want to have a baby now, he should have taken every possible step that he could, and that wouldn't even have been 100% certain unless he was being abstinent. So selfish. If he's such a strategist, he should be figuring out how to make more money asap instead of expressing his disappointment.

I think that your bff should be a little selfish and put her and her baby's needs in front right now. Surround herself with positivity and happiness. If/when he comes around, so be it.
 
Interesting subject OP... just to day
I had an acquaintance come to me for a listening ear.
She is pregnant with baby #5 and hubby is really upset and angry about it. He previously stated no more kids and she got preggo with #4 ..while she was in nursing school...and he just turned one. She ended up flunking out of nursing school, in major debt from that and working part time (barely getting hours) while hubby works as a fireman. She's really upset and hurt that he responded this way and is seriously concerned about her marriage.
 
janaq2003 said:
Interesting subject OP... just to day
I had an acquaintance come to me for a listening ear.
She is pregnant with baby #5 and hubby is really upset and angry about it. He previously stated no more kids and she got preggo with #4 ..while she was in nursing school...and he just turned one. She ended up flunking out of nursing school, in major debt from that and working part time (barely getting hours) while hubby works as a fireman. She's really upset and hurt that he responded this way and is seriously concerned about her marriage.
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Why didn't he get snipped? Men love to act like women trip, fall and up pregnant.
 
Farida said:
I think so too. He is one of those people who is so good with other people's kids and actually worked as a sitter when he was in college. I think he is just afraid because he loves to plan everything to a T and there's nothing like a baby to say *** you to every best laid plan there is.
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im the same way and 80% of the time this **** is just an excuse to put something off. with the right justification you would NEVER be ready for any kind of decision that results in big change. i know if i really wanted to i could figure out a plan to do something i want to do, expeditiously.

he has had a longer than normal grace period and it's nice of her to be considerate of his feelings, but it sounds like to me he is sulking.
 
He will be fine, and if not his loss.

Since he has bluntly expressed how he feels, your friends needs to just focus on herself and child. She needs NOT to engulf herself in his negative spirit, because it can literally kill her child. Let him be, and when he decides to get on board more power to them.
 
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While it must make her feel disappointed and alone, I understand his emotions. I am a planner as well and would be sad if I got pregnant knowing I'm not financial prepared to have a child. ITA with the point about using precautions to prevent the pregnancy. That was poor planning on both parts.
Unless, she secretly wanted a baby and assumed he'd be on board when and if it happened.
He may eventually come around BUT I've seen husbands harbor resentment and not be fully involved as they should. Hopefully he won't be the same as them since he apparently likes children. Babies are another story lol
@janaq2003 you are right! If you don't want to go through it alone, wait for him to be onboard.
 
Planned or not, I'd feel pretty betrayed if my DH acted this way, especially if I was having a rough pregnancy. I understand he's scared but he's making a situation that should be about both of them, into a situation solely about him. And he's creating an emotional distance between them in the process.

But I'm curious what they were using to prevent pregnancy.
 
It's possible I'm a dick (no pun intended) but I get where he is coming from. I have things planned to do before kids come and if it happened before ready, then I would be sad. And he is right, how he feels doesn't matter, because the kid is coming and he has to parent it regardless. I wouldn't feel so much upset at his feelings as I would upset that he views parenting right now negatively. I do think that they both need to start looking at the silver lining.
 
janaq2003 said:
Yes, they both should've been doing something to prevent it. What if it has already been discussed? At the risk of causing issues in your marriage? I have the unpopular opinion .. I don't think it was smart at all. She is the one who will catch the brunt of it...
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Men whine about women making the choices about fertility, but if he wanted more kids, he had the choice to get snipped. Once he gets snipped, HE controls fertility. Putting it in her hands makes it her decision.
 
They were using natural family planning methods - the Billings method for all 5 years and it seems to have worked until now. She prefers not to use hormonal BC because of the prevalence of cancer with her mom, aunts and her two sisters. None of them tested positive for the gene but got cancer in their early 30s. Her sister, mom and aunt died.

They warn you during the classes for the NFP and you discuss whether you would deal with an unplanned pregnancy. Her DH said he would rather not but would deal with it since they did intend to have kids.
 
Tell him to get over himself? Plenty of new fathers are scared, like, all of them. But they are SUPPORTIVE of their wives. He's full of selfishness. Now, how do people have sex and NOT expect children to happen? Trick babies usually aren't trick...it comes from sex. Do they know this? When you marry, expect it. It's called Life 101. He should be working harder now and stacking benjis for that baby and wife who is going to stay at home for some months/years to raise that kid. Sorry, but "you'z married now." Buck up and shut up.

Hug your friend and let her know you're there for her and hear her. They need counseling ASAP. This is the worst time for him to be acting a childish fool.
 
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