Porn: Part 2

[Peace in Prose]

Update: I feel I resolved that issue, because I got to the root of the problem and it was not pretty. He felt like I alienated him from his friends when we first got married and as a result he didn't go out because he thought I was going to act jealous. But he did not care to introduce me to them. I did not want to be a tag along, I just wanted to know who was in my husband's life; I felt it was a reasonable request. He just stopped talking to them. So over two years he kept that in and let it build. He was using sex as a method of control.

Not cool. Sex is not a reward or punishment. And I stressed that, so hopefully it will improve, because auntie flo has taken an extended visit The abreviated version:

I told him I never told him to distance his friends nor was it my intention and I don't have any joy from him doing that. At the time I felt he wanted to be with his friends more than me and it was taht whole "I'm grown" mentality. One day he got extremely drunk at Ruiz's house (I knew Ruiz but not the others) and did not coming in until the next afternoon and it stopped. I didn't yell, did not confront, he took that step to the extreme on his own.

So I had encouraged him to go out after the birth of our son, but he did not want to. Then starts the porn stuff.

so last week I told him you cannot base how you think I'm going to react off of things that happenned two years ago. Give me a chance to prove to you that I have curbed my jealousy, because what you were doing is not healthy to our marriage. Quit dwelling on the past.

Soo.. Friday he said he wanted to go hunting with a coworker today ( what on earth, he city, but okay), he's been putting it off, but I told him each time to go. Also he is going hunting with this man who's gunning for his position he wants, because admin want to make my husband supervisor and this person wants to jump rank. So yesterday I told him don't turn your back to YT.Seriously, though He does not know this guy that well and you don't know what he possesses in him.

Anywho I woke up this morning he was not there, (I was a little upset) but I'm not going to sweat it. Also he hasn't called (common curtesy, not going to sweat it. when he returns I have a coke and a smile

I think it's more of the issue of how I think what marriage etiquette is and what he thinks. But to get him to be happy in that aspect of the marriage i will sacrifice above greivances today. I trust him, I have to prove I can trust his judgement.

 

[Peace in Prose]

Good, he called from Walmart, (there doing gift exchange from work) so I take it he's alive...

 

[jamaicalovely]

I'm lost. Where's Part 1?

 

[Peace in Prose]

I'm lost. Where's Part 1?

It somewhere in here. Basically my husband would rather look at porn and the activities that went along with that more than he would sexual satisfy me.

I was trying to get to the root of the problem, but he would say I was overreacting and I was trippin'. So I made a thread here and got some great information from the ladies and this is my update.

 

[jamaicalovely]

Sent u a PM

 

[Princess Tam Tam]

It somewhere in here. Basically my husband would rather look at porn and the activities that went along with that more than he would sexual satisfy me.

I was trying to get to the root of the problem, but he would say I was overreacting and I was trippin'. So I made a thread here and got some great information from the ladies and this is my update.

Uh...Why don't you watch the porn with him?

 

[Cincysweetie]

Uh...Why don't you watch the porn with him?

Right...that could be something we enjoy together!

I'm starting to think that PORN should be one of those pre-marriage discussions (if it isn't already). Will WE or won't WE watch porn during our marriage?? That might be something he wants to incorporate into the sexual relationship, and she might be grossed out or repulsed by it. Because he enjoys it, he sneaks and watches and then she finds out and then all hell breaks loose and it becomes a trust issue/cheating/etc. Whereas a couple that can watch it together, not an issue.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I'm starting to think that PORN should be one of those pre-marriage discussions (if it isn't already). Will WE or won't WE watch porn during our marriage??

Just like kids, sex, money, in-laws and everything else. It doesn't mean a dude won't pull a bait and switch, but it does help to know what's what beforehand. My spiritual leader is always saying there is NOTHING off limits to ask before you get married...NOTHING.

Anyway, OP, I applaud the way you handled the situation. It sounds like your DH is coming around and he is willing to change which says a lot. Continue to be patient with him, and keep those lines of communication open.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Just like kids, sex, money, in-laws and everything else. It doesn't mean a dude won't pull a bait and switch, but it does help to know what's what beforehand. My spiritual leader is always saying there is NOTHING off limits to ask before you get married...NOTHING.

Right! I would've never thought of that being a discussion at one time, but with all the porn out there now and the way some men are about porn, guess you better discuss it b/c people have a variety of views on porn.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Right! I would've never thought of that being a discussion at one time, but with all the porn out there now and the way some men are about porn, guess you better discuss it b/c people have a variety of views on porn.

Yes ma'am! I had an ex who had some strange porn habits and since then, I've been aware that it needs to be discussed. The spiritual leader was like, "You need to know if something you like it something they think is nasty before you're laying there ready to go." So true. I think the divorce rate would decline if people were more inquiring, honest and forthcoming before the vows get swapped.

 

[Peace in Prose]

Uh...Why don't you watch the porn with him?

We look at different kinds. And I don't watch it every month. That's not me. I don't like wham bam thank you ma'am porn. No storyline or poor plots, is just straight, you know.

The problem was it superceded our Relations, so there was an underline problem.

But yeah I watched it with him once or twice and I always end up clownin' or cracking up.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Yes ma'am! I had an ex who had some strange porn habits and since then, I've been aware that it needs to be discussed. The spiritual leader was like, "You need to know if something you like it something they think is nasty before you're laying there ready to go." So true. I think the divorce rate would decline if people were more inquiring, honest and forthcoming before the vows get swapped.

This is true. So how does one bring this up? Um, honey, are you into porn? I got this new video, how about we watch it together?

 

[MizAvalon]

This is true. So how does one bring this up? Um, honey, are you into porn? I got this new video, how about we watch it together?

That sounds good. Straight and to the point.

 

[Ramya]

This is true. So how does one bring this up? Um, honey, are you into porn? I got this new video, how about we watch it together?

Umm pre-marriage for me the conversation would go more like "Do you watch porn?" I don't so there will be no watching it together period nor will there be porn in my household.

 

[FAMUDva]

Umm pre-marriage for me the conversation would go more like "Do you watch porn?" I don't so there will be no watching it together period nor will there be porn in my household.

So, your husband would be sneaking to watch it. Unfortuantely... You cannot make someone do as you do just because you said so. Well, I guess you can make your child do that, but not your husband. I learned that about other topics in my own marriage.

Porn isn't an issue with us because I'll watch with him if it helps to spice things up. I certainly don't watch as much as he does, but I will watch it with him. Since I clown some of the porn he watches, he chooses not to always watch with me. But it's the same way I choose not to watch Judge shows with him cuz he hates them and clowns them the whole time the show is on. Trust me, marriage is give and take... but you can't just "give" someone a demand of what they gon' do or not gon' do because you don't do it... Of course I'm not taking about cheating, but I am talking about watching/ not watching porn, etc.

 

[Ramya]

So, your husband would be sneaking to watch it. Unfortuantely... You cannot make someone do as you do just because you said so. Well, I guess you can make your child do that, but not your husband. I learned that about other topics in my own marriage.

Porn isn't an issue with us because I'll watch with him if it helps to spice things up. I certainly don't watch as much as he does, but I will watch it with him. Since I clown some of the porn he watches, he chooses not to always watch with me. But it's the same way I choose not to watch Judge shows with him cuz he hates them and clowns them the whole time the show is on. Trust me, marriage is give and take... but you can't just "give" someone a demand of what they gon' do or not gon' do because you don't do it... Of course I'm not taking about cheating, but I am talking about watching/ not watching porn, etc.

Every man doesn't watch porn. My brothers don't and they're not even Christians. Nor do the majority of my male friends. I'm sure I can find a man who doesn't watch porn as it is a deal breaker for me and against everything that I believe. Considering that I only date Christian men I'd love to see them biblically justify watching porn. It's sexually immoral. I don't and won't watch porn. And I certainly wouldn't want a man who would compromise my sexual morality because it's something he likes to do.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

This is true. So how does one bring this up? Um, honey, are you into porn? I got this new video, how about we watch it together?

Amidst all the other things you randomly ask a person. I've found that men who are serious like to ask you a LOT of questions: what are your goals? How did you choose your career? What is your family like? Etc...and while they are giving me the 3rd degree, I smack it up and flip it and start asking some questions of my own.

IME, the key is to keep it LIGHT. Don't ask the question with an air of expectation or a leaning of a certain answer being right or wrong. This is why it's best to ask ALLLLLL of the hard questions at the beginning...that way, he doesn't have as much of a reason to lie because nobody is invested yet and no harm will be done if the 2 of you discover you're not a good fit.

I don't have time to be addressing serious issues for the first time 6 months into a relationship...that, IMO, is a recipe for frustration and a broken heart. I sit back and WATCH him do his thing (he knows I'm watching), OBSERVE him in his various elements (he's not aware that I'm paying attention) and then EXPERIENCE some things with him. If you do it in this order, it becomes much easier to discern whether you should be involved with him and if you feel you shouldn't, it's easier to take the first exit because you're not emotionally tangled and twisted. You'd be surprised how much a man will tell you if you keep your expectations and preferences to yourself.

 

[gymfreak336]

Every man doesn't watch porn. My brothers don't and they're not even Christians. Nor do the majority of my male friends. I'm sure I can find a man who doesn't watch porn as it is a deal breaker for me and against everything that I believe. Considering that I only date Christian men I'd love to see them biblically justify watching porn. It's sexually immoral. I don't and won't watch porn. And I certainly wouldn't want a man who would compromise my sexual morality because it's something he likes to do.

I do agree that every man doesn't watch porn but chances are many of the men in your life do, you just don't know about it. And if they already know how you feel about it whether in random conversations or conclusions they have drawn from previous related topics with you then trust me when I say, they are not going to tell you about it.

 

[gymfreak336]

Right...that could be something we enjoy together!

I'm starting to think that PORN should be one of those pre-marriage discussions (if it isn't already). Will WE or won't WE watch porn during our marriage?? That might be something he wants to incorporate into the sexual relationship, and she might be grossed out or repulsed by it. Because he enjoys it, he sneaks and watches and then she finds out and then all hell breaks loose and it becomes a trust issue/cheating/etc. Whereas a couple that can watch it together, not an issue.

I can testify to that. I had a whole thread about it. While we don't watch it together often, its out in the open so there is no sneaking around about it.

I know it would be a whole nother thread but women need to relax a little. Healthy porn can help women help themselves.

 

[FAMUDva]

Every man doesn't watch porn. My brothers don't and they're not even Christians. Nor do the majority of my male friends. I'm sure I can find a man who doesn't watch porn as it is a deal breaker for me and against everything that I believe. Considering that I only date Christian men I'd love to see them biblically justify watching porn. It's sexually immoral. I don't and won't watch porn. And I certainly wouldn't want a man who would compromise my sexual morality because it's something he likes to do.

I didn't say every man watches porn.... erplexed I was only speaking to the fact that one cannot tell someone (like they are a child) what they will and won't do.

I know MANY Christian men who keep the porn business alive and well. Like I said, many folks sneak... Just cuz they don't openly tell other folks don't mean they don't do it. Porn is one of those things that folks who are on the rightous side would keep in the closet. Again, I ain't saying all (or most) men OR women watch porn... but it ain't just a multi billion $$ business from heathens only watching it. Let's not forget Mr. Kirk Franklin made a public announcement that he was addicted to porn while he was carrying his ministry on....

I'm sure you'll find (or have found) the man who is completely morally inline with you. And for the record, I'm a Christian too. Not a perfect Christian, but I am a Christian.

ETA: Can people bibically justify little white lies, or stealing company time, or any other lil "sin" folks do on a regular??? Christians ain't perfect. I'll leave it at that.

 

[Ramya]

I do agree that every man doesn't watch porn but chances are many of the men in your life do, you just don't know about it. And if they already know how you feel about it whether in random conversations or conclusions they have drawn from previous related topics with you then trust me when I say, they are not going to tell you about it.

Trust me I never asked them. they were discussing it amongst themselves. My brothers are so crass they straight out tell me stuff so I believe them. For the ones that I don't know, I would never ask them b.c it's not something that I would need to know. And if they are drawing from previous conversations they would think that I was pro-porn more so than against it. erplexed Only 4 people and now LHCF actually know my stance on sex and porn.

 

[Farida]

Trust me I never asked them. they were discussing it amongst themselves. My brothers are so crass they straight out tell me stuff so I believe them. For the ones that I don't know, I would never ask them b.c it's not something that I would need to know. And if they are drawing from previous conversations they would think that I was pro-porn more so than against it. erplexed Only 4 people and now LHCF actually know my stance on sex and porn.

I agree with you. Many men watch porn (I think nowadays it is a majority because of the internet which I think is sad) but some don't. It just isn't their cup of tea.

Anyhoo, here, the problem was the OP's husband was starving her sexually. The porn was her replacement, not something he did in his spare time. She wasn't getting any.

OP it is not cool that he was using sex to punish you. That is one thing that can turn and bite him in the face. The bible says not to deprive each other lest the devil tempts you. I hope things will get better now that he has supposedly gotten what he wants. He needs to communicate because what he was doing was a tantrum!

 

[Peace in Prose]

I agree with you. Many men watch porn (I think nowadays it is a majority because of the internet which I think is sad) but some don't. It just isn't their cup of tea.

Anyhoo, here, the problem was the OP's husband was starving her sexually. The porn was her replacement, not something he did in his spare time. She wasn't getting any.

OP it is not cool that he was using sex to punish you. That is one thing that can turn and bite him in the face. The bible says not to deprive each other lest the devil tempts you. I hope things will get better now that he has supposedly gotten what he wants. He needs to communicate because what he was doing was a tantrum!

I know, and if I would have known that was the case, believe me, but it having gone on for so long, I was trying to correct the behavior, not trying to create more drama.

The next day I typed what I was going to say, because sometimes my emotions flare to extraordinary proportions, and told that you cannot say you love me and be vindictive. I am not a child you don't punish me with something we are suppose to give openly. My feelings were known, I assure you, because I was hurt very much so. I went down the list and expanded on some points and let him comment then suggested how we should move forward.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that he was dead wrong!!! The last bolded statement, that what is chalked up to. I told him it was extremely dangerous to play that game. Him acting like he didn't need me could have went horribly wrong, if I had not been the person I am and realized there is something more to it.

And I didn't take it as him getting his way, because i didn't tell him not to go out. I encouraged him to over the past few years and he wouldn't. His coworkers invited him to a strip club, I told him to go, but he's not into strip clubs. I also believe he's not into the things he use to be in, with the drinking and stuff.