People Who Hate Their Siblings

@melahnee I think that because as much as I love him, he is calculating and manipulative. He belittles our younger brother. He'll offend and never seems to think he's wrong- rarely, if ever apologises. Never takes responsibility for his actions, at least not the negative ones. Lies all the time. So much so that I think he actually believes his own stories. He will fly off the handle if challenged too hard. But no one outside of our family home would know. Most would think he's polite and charming and he can be.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
my parents tried to avoid any appearance of favortism...but were still accused of favoritism.

I try to do the same and I've already heard that i'm playing favorites....however one of my children does lose priveleges more often than the other because of grades and because he has not learned the art of "stop talking when mommy is mad". I'm also more on his back about homework and tests because he conveniently forgets to turn work in and that he has tests to study for. In his mind that means that the other child is my favourite.....no it just means that I can trust that the other child will be more likely to do what he is supposed to
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hm. is there a way to help them work together? trusting one child because he's better at doing conventional school work is favoritism IMO.
 
silverbuttons said:
hm. is there a way to help them work together? trusting one child because he's better at doing conventional school work is favoritism IMO.
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work together at what?

I trust that the other child that does his homework and studies for test without me checking up on him, will continue to do so, and his grades prove that he does.

The other child's grades go down only because he turns in work late or "forgets" that he has tests and doesn't study. Not because he can't do the work
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
work together at what?

I trust that the other child that does his homework and studies for test without me checking up on him, will continue to do so, and his grades prove that he does.
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Why not create a system that helps you heck both their work without singling one out? How does your son react to that?
I only say that because as a child, my mother would single out my brother this way and it made him feel stupid.
 
silverbuttons said:
Why not create a system that helps you heck both their work without singling one out? How does your son react to that?
I only say that because as a child, my mother would single out my brother this way and it made him feel stupid.
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He gets put on the spot when i check his grades online and I see that he either didn't turn in work, or turned it in late , told me that he doesn't have homework but he does, or told me that he has no tests that week and after i check his teachers' blogs I see that he does.

It's not a matter of him not being able to do the work.

I also look at the other child's grades and usually everything is ok .
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
He gets put on the spot when i check his grades online and I see that he either didn't turn in work, or turned it in late , told me that he doesn't have homework but he does, or told me that he has no tests that week and after i check his teachers' blogs I see that he does.

It's not a matter of him not being able to do the work.

I also look at the other child's grades and usually everything is ok .
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I understand that one child's grades are better than the others. I understand that there is a pattern.
What I don't understand is your need to create a policy that only effects one child. If they are meant to be beneficial, then why can't you do it for both kids? He's obviously not responding well to it.

one of my children does lose priveleges more often than the other because of grades
+
he has not learned the art of "stop talking when mommy is mad"
+
I'm also more on his back about homework and tests because he conveniently forgets to turn work in and that he has tests to study for.
=
In his mind that means that the other child is my favourite
 
silverbuttons said:
I understand that one child's grades are better than the others. I understand that there is a pattern.
What I don't understand is your need to create a policy that only effects one child. If they are meant to be beneficial, then why can't you do it for both kids? He's obviously not responding well to it.

one of my children does lose priveleges more often than the other because of grades
+
he has not learned the art of "stop talking when mommy is mad"
+
I'm also more on his back about homework and tests because he conveniently forgets to turn work in and that he has tests to study for.
=
In his mind that means that the other child is my favourite
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He's not being punished for having lower grades than his brother, he's being punished for not handing in his work .

I can't help what's in his mind, but I'm not going to reward him for not doing homework. There will be a consequence.

the other child would also have the same consequence if he didn't do his homework
 
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LeftRightRepeat said:
work together at what?

I trust that the other child that does his homework and studies for test without me checking up on him, will continue to do so, and his grades prove that he does.

The other child's grades go down only because he turns in work late or "forgets" that he has tests and doesn't study. Not because he can't do the work
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Can you afford to hire a tutor for him? I ask because children who have homework issues usually learn differently so they avoid doing what is emotionally taxing for them.
 
yardyspice said:
Can you afford to hire a tutor for him? I ask because children who have homework issues usually learn differently so they avoid doing what is emotionally taxing for them.
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No this child has no issues like that, he would just rather be doing something else. I am his tutor. I sit with him while he does his homework, and he usually does it just fine.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
No this child has no issues like that, he would just rather be doing something else. I am his tutor. I sit with him while he does his homework, and he usually does it just fine.
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Boys take longer for both sides of their brains to join more than girls so it's for them to sit for a long time after school to do homework. It helps if they can sit in a parents lap or sit next to a parent. That is why he works better when you're there. This is also why SOME Asian kids do better in school because they sit next their parents to do their homework. If you are not able to do it, hire a tutor to do his homework with him. If the cost is an issue, you can hire a high school kid for cheap. I can send you the reaearch if you would like or a child psychologist on here can verify what I wrote.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
He's not being punished for having lower grades than his brother, he's being punished for not handing in his work .

I can't help what's in his mind, but I'm not going to reward him for not doing homework. There will be a consequence.

the other child would also have the same consequence if he didn't do his homework
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But you can... In his mind you're reinforcing the favoritism.
At least find ways to make him feel special and trustworthy. Or just talk to him.

@yardyspice is right though. Usually when kids avoid doing homework, lie about tests and don't turn it assignments... there is something else going on with them.
 
yardyspice said:
Boys take longer for both sides of their brains to join more than girls so it's for them to sit for a long time after school to do homework. It helps if they can sit in a parents lap or sit next to a parent. That is why he works better when you're there. This is also why SOME Asian kids do better in school because they sit next their parents to do their homework. If you are not able to do it, hire a tutor to do his homework with him. If the cost is an issue, you can hire a high school kid for cheap. I can send you the reaearch if you would like or a child psychologist on here can verify what I wrote.
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He's almost 14 , he's too big for my lap :lol:

He really doesn't need a tutor, he's a smart kid, and enrolled in a couple of advanced classes. I'm usually home by the time he needs to start doing homework, but thank you.
 
silverbuttons said:
But you can... In his mind you're reinforcing the favoritism.
At least find ways to make him feel special and trustworthy. Or just talk to him.

@yardyspice is right though. Usually when kids avoid doing homework, lie about tests and don't turn it assignments... there is something else going on with them.
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I could write more, but I see that it's going to be a back and forth. So i'm done here.

No i don't think he has issues more than overconfidence (ie : doesn't need to study for the test because he already knows everything) or believing that if he turns in the assignment late it won't hurt his grade all that much.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
He's almost 14 , he's too big for my lap :lol:

He really doesn't need a tutor, he's a smart kid, and enrolled in a couple of advanced classes. I'm usually home by the time he needs to start doing homework, but thank you.
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It's interesting that your response is that he's too big for your lap...

I don't know his age but his needs are still the same. He may need to have a parent sit with him to still his mind. Also, I've yet to meet a really overconfident person. Overconfidence is usually a coping mechanism. His avoidance is the real story. Give him what he needs and he'll perform at the same level or better than your other child.
 
yardyspice said:
It's interesting that your response is that he's too big for your lap...

I don't know his age but his needs are still the same. He may need to have a parent sit with him to still his mind. Also, I've yet to meet a really overconfident person. Overconfidence is usually a coping mechanism. His avoidance is the real story. Give him what he needs and he'll perform at the same level or better than your other child.
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As I mentioned above, I sit with him during homework time.

it's overconfidence in my estimation, he would say that he's just confident because sometimes he does ok without studying
 
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Between reading your stories and reflecting on my own, I'm fighting tears. I think siblings and cousins are so important but those relationships can often be so dysfunctional and damaged.

I dont talk to my full sibling. We used to be besties until he started messing with a narc. To be messy (imo), they got married 2 hours away while I was in the hospital with my pre-scheduled delivery last week. (My delivery was scheduled months before their wedding was). My whole family went to the wedding--some fam I'm supposedly closer to didnt even come to the hospital but made it to the wedding. I've decided I don't see me ever forgiving my brother, but this last shenanigan is still fresh.

My half sibling is 11 years older and we talk on occasion. I like her now. She used to be kinda mean, but I get her more now. My close cousins are 8 & 9 years younger. The oldest one thinks we're the same age and gets jealous about things I have or have done, although she's pretty phenomenal in her own right. The younger one is cooler, just 9 years younger, so we arent even on any of the same ****.

My grandparents used to stress being good to siblings and cousins, and I used to follow that like gospel. However, I started feeling like I was giving, giving, giving and mf ers were abusing it.

I will do everything in my power to make sure my girls are BFFs forever. My girls probably wont know my brother's kids and my sister's kids are 10 & 14 years older so they probably wont be close to them either. All they have is each other.
 
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Kiowa said:
I don't think there is anything parents can do..

My sister was never there for me growing up, and has accomplished nothing with her life that she can be proud of with her poor choices, but still has this huge resentment and jealousy towards me....we cannot be around each other for any length of time, without things blowing up
My older brother married out, to a Becky she devil, who tried to fight me every time she sees me..:lachen:, .. - I have not spoken to him in over a decade because of her

The only one I'm close to is my baby brother, me and him are tight, I don't think we've ever had a cross word...
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That's similar to me - 8 years older brother who was full of resentment for years as he got kicked out/moved out and had a fiery relationship with our dad thought we got special treatment, we're closer now and he makes a big effort for family occasions, including my wedding but I still get a funny vibe from him even though we discussed a few years ago that my dad was just as strict with my sister and I.. My 4 years younger sister we clashed on and off growing up she was outspoken and I was peace loving we found each other annoying but played well together for the most part and partied together in our late teens but she went really downhill in life unfortunately moving with the wrong crowd, now has mental issues and although we see each other every few months and speak online unfortunately we aren't that close now plus she's tried to basically estrange herself from my parents. My baby brother 11 years younger I've always loved to death, we've never argued and now we even work together since he joined my organisation last year and I feel a lot closer to him now as there were a few years we only saw each other in passing and at Christmas etc after I moved out of our parents home (even though I only live ten mins drive away lol).

I did feel my mother favours him more but it never bothers me too much nowadays now I have two children I can see how you can just gel with one personality a bit more but still love both equally. My parents raised us pretty much equally, I don't think there's anything much parents can do other than try praise and scold their different children equally.
I guess it's all the luck of the draw,
 
i hated my sister growing up and she hated me and told me she hated me. we are 12 years apart, so she felt like she had to be a parent at a young age b/c my mother literally worked all the time, 3 jobs, i have no idea how or when she slept smdh. so my sister missed out on alot of high school activities due to her having to watch me or drag me along. so alot of resentment on her part due to my exsistance and jealousy. she also hated my father and felt my mom chose men over her. my mom was in the military when she was younger, so just alot of issues. i never experienced any of the things that she experienced so i cant relate. i've never seen my mom date anyone other than trying to rekindle with my dad. i always felt the weight of guilt of my sister always being unhappy and angry at me for no reason other than me being alive. also im sure the comparisons didnt help, my sister was a problem child and the reason my mom had to leave the military due to her always being in trouble and her bad attitude. she's always been outspoken and angry. i'm the opposite, i keep to myself and quiet. i went to school and moved out , while she was still living at home with my mom. i'm the "good" child and she's the "problem" which my mom still says to this day. my sister would always tell me why she hated my, and how i was dark skinned and how i was ugly. typing it out it really sounds horrible, and it was. anways, we're at a better place now, b/c i understand psychologically her anger although she lashed out in unhealthy and mean ways thats just how she is. so i dont take it personally. i never had a bad relationship with my mom b/c i see through her, she's a manipulator and plays both sides of the fence, but they both do that. so it is what it is. i still love them both and i dont hold on to grudges unlike both of them.
 
I have two brothers and a sister. Growing up, any antagonist attitudes we had were definitely self fueled and growing pains. My mother (not so much my father) stressed, stressed, stressed!!!! that family comes first and that our siblings would be there forever while friends may come and go.

We definitely are far from the Cosby's but it makes me so sad when I hear that people don't speak to their siblings or have been estranged for years.

Eta- we are all close in age with the biggest age gap being 4 years between myself and my younger brother. I loathed him for several years when he was born and tortured the mess out of him, luckily he doesn't remember lol.
 
We weren't groomed to look out for each other. Yet we're still best friends. Everything went wrong that coule. My mom's parenting style is destructive and my dad is passive. If he would have jumped in and fostered the kind of environment that he had, we would have been great off bat and a lot could have been avoided. However, he was providing most times and not nurturing full time, which makes sense.
Anyway, until I was about 18, we multiple bouts of estrangement and hostility between us. I noticed that my mom and he r siblings were worse than is, and that she was making it worse b/c she thought it was normal to hate your siblings. She'd gossip between us, lie, instigate, tell us that we were jealous of her favorite, who's life was in shambles at that time, etc, etc.

I learned at 12 that something was wrong with my mom, and since then I've realized that she did not know what was best for our family. I made the decision to work on our relationship. I had a model in my dad and his sibs, but I just went off instinct. My little sis and I were already close, but the relationship was still forged from anger at others around us. I told her that I don't want that for us, and that I don't want us to be like my mom and her sibs.

Her and I started to work on our relationship when I was a young adult. Basic relationship guidelines, honesty, respect, communication, love and affection. Eventually, the others fell in line once they noticed how strong our connection had become.
One day, I was speaking to her quietly over my parents house, after she moved back home. She called after I left and said that my mom had been eavesdropping and told her that she wishes that she could be like that with her sibs. I said that she possibly could if they all weren't two faced and evil. :look:
They're always trying to one up each other, and they gossip like monkeys. So yes, I think that jealousy plays a huge part of it. Not knowing to handle jealousy will obviously cripple any relationship in your life.
 
yardyspice said:
It's interesting that your response is that he's too big for your lap...

I don't know his age but his needs are still the same. He may need to have a parent sit with him to still his mind. Also, I've yet to meet a really overconfident person. Overconfidence is usually a coping mechanism. His avoidance is the real story. Give him what he needs and he'll perform at the same level or better than your other child.
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Great advice. I think that parents don't like to be told that they're not doing the best that they could, but that's life, and I'd totally be open to advice that actually sounds plausible. What would it hurt to try? What could he lose?
 
JerriBlank said:
Great advice. I think that parents don't like to be told that they're not doing the best that they could, but that's life, and I'd totally be open to advice that actually sounds plausible. What would it hurt to try? What could he lose?
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- I go thru the teacher's blogs to see if he has homework
- If i see homework, I sit with him while he does the homework
- If i see tests coming up, I make sure that he starts studying in advance
- He is not avoiding work because he can't perform
- He loses video game time - not food or shelter
- He knows the expectation, and the consequence
 
I'm close to my sister who is 5 years younger than me. My parents made a point of making sure were close. They never made differences between us nor allowed arguments to fester or escalate. I would have gotten my teeth knocked out if I ever told my sister I hated her, some things as parents you simply cannot allow, different personalities be damned.
 
Sumra said:
Ive noticed with age gap siblings theres sometimes a bit of resentment. Probably from watching their sibling enjoy a childhood with an improved version of their parents ( more time, more affection, more disposable income, often less strict/stressed).
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This can be so true....I have 3 siblings... One sister who is five years younger than me, another sister who is 17 years younger than me and a brother who is 21 years younger.

My sis under me and I are clearly adults with degrees, jobs, and living on our own. She gets sooooo jealous of the younger siblings because our dad is in a better place financially and able to do more with them. She feels like he should do the same for us but, the younger kids are teenagers. Sis and I are very GROWN! I just don't get sucked into that.

In terms of my relationship with the sis right under me, I love and support her but, I keep my distance. I can't figure out if she's jealous or if she thinks she's better than me... It's weird but, I don't talk ish about people nor do I take an inventory of their belongings and ask them how they got that... So, it's difficult for me to be around her.

Now, I love the younger siblings but, the age gap makes it difficult to have a sibling-like relationship with them because well I'm an adult and they are children and they need to respect their elders. I wanted to whip my younger brother a few months ago... I guess siblings aren't supposed do that.
 
I'm about 4.5 years older than my sister. I had to realize that although I love her that we have fundamentally different values (she lies, uses the family for money, doesn't keep her word, has always put men before family) and, as a result, she's not someone whom I'd choose as a friend. We are currently estranged (that's nothing new and usually because I refuse to interact with her because of something that she's done) and I'm okay with that.

We grew up in the same household but I was definitely treated differently because I was the step-child and admittedly, I had a smart mouth. Lol. My sister was quiet but sneaky and a liar. Making sure my sister was happy and had whatever she needed was the family mission and that continued well into adulthood. A few years ago, I stopped speaking to everyone (for about 2 years) except my daughter because of it. That has changed and now I'm considered the "good" child and my sister is the "problem" child.

My parents think they were good parents because they provided food and shelter (what the law requires) but I don't think they were. We don't talk about it because it never leads anywhere good.
 
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