People Who Hate Their Siblings

OriginalBeauty

OriginalBeauty

Well-Known Member
How does it happen?

As the mother of young children, a frequent question I get is if they get along well. My answer is yes, they really do. Maybe it's because they're still young. Maybe it's because they're doing different things. Maybe it's because we as parents share the same amount and quality of love and attention over them.

But relationships go south and I have heard and seen more bad adult sibling relationships than good.

What do you think parents can do to cultivate good sibling relationships that will last a lifetime?
 
OriginalBeauty said:
How does it happen?

As the mother of young children, a frequent question I get is if they get along well. My answer is yes, they really do. Maybe it's because they're still young. Maybe it's because they're doing different things. Maybe it's because we as parents share the same amount and quality of love and attention over them.

But relationships go south and I have heard and seen more bad adult sibling relationships than good.

What do you think parents can do to cultivate good sibling relationships that will last a lifetime?
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I don't have any siblings but comparing them is a big no-no.

Avoiding blatant favoritism.

Praising their ability to work and play together well is important.

Celebrating their good traits equally.
 
Thanks @Lucie. I agree with what you say and it makes complete sense. Common sense, in fact.

But if is that simple, why are there so many - SO many - bad adult sibling relationships? What is going down that's not being addressed.

I'm an only "lonely" child too so I have no idea.
 
Some of it comes from their own personalities and negative encounters.

I had a friend whose sister always talked smack about her. I suspect she was jealous of my friend's accomplishments. Ironically, her baby sister was the favorite. LOL!

Parents can only set the foundation, but it is up to each child to maintain the love and respect. I think the good thing about having siblings is learning how to lovingly and quickly resolve conflicts.
 
i wouldnt say i "hate" my siblings but its definitely a case of



reasons why in my case:

1. i was the only one who did not have a child and who actually went to not to mention graduated college and i took a lot of flack for that

2. they would gang up on me and there was nothing they would accept from me in my defense regarding that^ (saying i should drop out of school because it was a strain on family resources which is a joke)

3. i in no way received any support, encouragement, positive thoughts, help, or anything the opposite of ******** during the trying time of trying to make a way for myself and if anything they impeded/deliberately discouraged my progress

4. we simply were not there for each other at all. it was a huge battle of who was most ****ed up and who made the most mistakes and nobody ever made any effort to help each other.

before i even graduated undergrad i decided i was done with them and they were never any people that would be on my side so there wasnt any point in bothering from then on.

those seem like things we all did to each other and i guess it didnt come from nowhere. so if i were to identify how we were parented that contributed to that -

1. there was definitely favoritism, my sister was considered the prettiest one (cause she was light skint, or LSLH as i see around her :lol:) with the most outgoing personality and my mom clearly favored her to the extent that she was allowed to mistreat the rest of us and wrong us and not suffer any consequences

2. there was no overt emphasis placed on the idea that we only had each other to rely on so we should be there for each other or a "built in best friend" and other things ive seen people say about their siblings

3. we were never actively pitted against each other, but we were not parented in a way that prevented this if that makes sense.
 
I think some parents, from what I've seen sweep their children's jealousies under the rug instead of addressing them head on.

One child is jealous of the sib because the sib is getting shine - be it star athlete or a good paying respectible job.

If you're raised to be happy for other people when life goes well, and this is modeled by parents when children are young, then all of that negative hate that is really just manifested insecurity should be less of an issue.
 
my parents tried to avoid any appearance of favortism...but were still accused of favoritism.

I try to do the same and I've already heard that i'm playing favorites....however one of my children does lose priveleges more often than the other because of grades and because he has not learned the art of "stop talking when mommy is mad". I'm also more on his back about homework and tests because he conveniently forgets to turn work in and that he has tests to study for. In his mind that means that the other child is my favourite.....no it just means that I can trust that the other child will be more likely to do what he is supposed to
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
my parents tried to avoid any appearance of favortism...but were still accused of favoritism.

I try to do the same and I've already heard that i'm playing favorites....however one of my children does lose priveleges more often than the other because of grades and because he has not learned the art of "stop talking when mommy is mad"
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i really think favoritism was a big part of it even as my adult self wants to think it wasn't. i only want to have one child because i dont want to be in the position of playing favorites, and i think its likely i would. i have favorites among their kids. actually i think they all have a thing about them that makes them special, but i definitely favor my nephew because as soon as he was able to express himself he clearly saw through my sister's/his mother's selfish, self absorbed ********, and i knew right then it was going to have a severe effect on him. he is intellectually gifted like me and i strongly relate to him, which when you think about it is probably why my mom favored my sister because of their similarities.
 
It's not hate but I have a younger brother I don't like very much due to his propensity to lie often since childhood, amongst other things.

We get on great for the most part but we had a major bust up in the presence of our mum at the beginning of the year that had us not talking for months (a first for us). I can see how there may be issues at work that caused animosity between us. Me being put in a position of responsibility/ carer at a very young age, skewed that sibling relationship. It was a while before I could step back and just be sister. As an extension of this my mum still (sometimes openly) turns to me a lot when it comes to issues with my brothers. This definitely annoys them now as adults.
 
I have an older brother that's very mildly "ain't ish" but he is a good person so I just feel sympathetic towards him. He is very heavily reliant on my mother though and she keeps telling us "we need to look out for each other" when she's gone which I interpret as "take care of your brother" because there's not much he could do to take care of me.

I'm rooting for him, though, so I hope he's able to achieve independence by the time my mother is gone.
 
hunnychile said:
I have an older brother that's very mildly "ain't ish" but he is a good person so I just feel sympathetic towards him. He is very heavily reliant on my mother though and she keeps telling us "we need to look out for each other" when she's gone which I interpret as "take care of your brother" because there's not much he could do to take care of me.

I'm rooting for him, though, so I hope he's able to achieve independence by the time my mother is gone.
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my brother is severely aint **** and i have no personal contact with him. only interact with him when i see him at my moms house
 
this is sad to type out and read..

-I had really good grades and he got in trouble for bad grades and got suspended and kicked out of school a lot
-he was weird about me liking guys and them liking and talking to me
-my dad was kind of careless and I think that irritated all three of us growing up, so we were in bad moods a lot of the time
-I rebelled as a teenager and he tried to be my dad but it didn't work, I didn't really have that respect for him as an older brother
-a bunch of stupid fights that shouldn't have escalated involving computer, nintendo/playstation/xbox, tv, whatever we have to share that we both want.
-he would also hate when we would be around outsiders and I'd beat him at any of the above, a sport, or just anything I was better at in general (even just being social and a friendly person)
-He's older and I moved out first, when I saw him after that, I literally felt like I didn't know him, and yes we fought pretty bad the first time we saw each other after like a year and a half.

my brother and I mostly didn't speak growing up because we'd get in yelling and physical fights and I moved out days after turning 18 (out of state too) cause I couldn't stand living with them anymore. Him and I are better now cause we actually talked and just said we should forget about everything that happened and be adults --hating each other for life is not worth it. I am also having a niece soon and I want to be in her life. He is in the military now and I think that straightened him out a little, honestly I think most of our fights were his fault. I always thought he was like bipolar and/or a sociopath and he told me he thinks I'm a sociopath last time we fought(we've made up now though):drunk::spinning::(
 
CaraWalker said:
my brother is severely aint **** and i have no personal contact with him. only interact with him when i see him at my moms house
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I'm moving out this weekend and the only time I'll prob ever interact with him is when I come home to see his kids. I love my nephews so I'm hesitant to just sever ties like that. My bro is just beat up by life and a bunch of bad decisions. I wish he could afford therapy to work through his issues. I think it would be a huge help.

Eta: he's also a slob so I think our relationship will improve when I'm not forced to clean up after a grown man.
 
Wasn't raised with my sister but I come from a very tight knit family. I can't say that i hate any of my cousins. If anything, I was the problem child. I was the spoiled rebellious one. We never fought each other and I don't even remember my cousins having fights with their siblings.

Now, our parents...CHYLE, every couple of years they fall out with each other. Across gender lines, often about the same issues from their childhood. As kids, we were sheltered from a lot of the issues but as adults (and some of my cousins are parents now) we see all of this foolishness and wonder when are they going to get over it! There are 2 big issues: ownership of some family property and access to the family trust. Thank G-d my great-grandmother wrote me and my younger cousin into the will when we were under 2 years old. We are the only ones that have any sense about the whole issue!
 
Love my siblings. Mother always stressed how important our bond was and encouraged us to do things together and look out for each other. We've been best friends for 45+ years, all four of us. We also only had each other to play with at the summer house sometimes. I see that the strong sibling bond has been inherited by the next generation. My nieces and nephews are just like us.
 
Ganjababy said:
This! My mother did all the opposite and it caused a lot of strife, resentment and jealousy (both ways) between my sister and I.
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I am sorry to read that. Though I am an only child my aunts, and uncles did this to me with my cousins. To this day, it has created a wedge between the majority of us. My problem is that I was an eager to please child. I did not like to ruffle any feathers, and appreciated effort, so I just kept my discontentment to myself. Whereas, many of my cousins were into everything and more into talking back. I didn't start talking back until my mid to late twenties, LOL!

To this day the still think I am the Princess of the family.

I always regret not having a sibling, but somehow all of my friends end up being the responsible one with disrespectful, slacker siblings. I guess at this point, it's okay. My dad is over 70 and his lady is over 60, so I think I'm not going to have any surprises. :babyg:
 
LadyBugsy said:
Wasn't raised with my sister but I come from a very tight knit family. I can't say that i hate any of my cousins. If anything, I was the problem child. I was the spoiled rebellious one. We never fought each other and I don't even remember my cousins having fights with their siblings.

Now, our parents...CHYLE, every couple of years they fall out with each other. Across gender lines, often about the same issues from their childhood. As kids, we were sheltered from a lot of the issues but as adults (and some of my cousins are parents now) we see all of this foolishness and wonder when are they going to get over it! There are 2 big issues: ownership of some family property and access to the family trust. Thank G-d my great-grandmother wrote me and my younger cousin into the will when we were under 2 years old. We are the only ones that have any sense about the whole issue!
Click to expand...

Are you West Indian? Nothing like some land to split a family up? I hate the whole issue, and have heard about it my entire life. I am glad you guys are mature about it.
 
its weird that my siblings kids mirrors our set up: older girl, twin boy and girl, younger girl. technically my brother has a son but honestly unfortunately he does not count.
 
LadyBugsy said:
Wasn't raised with my sister but I come from a very tight knit family. I can't say that i hate any of my cousins. If anything, I was the problem child. I was the spoiled rebellious one. We never fought each other and I don't even remember my cousins having fights with their siblings.

Now, our parents...CHYLE, every couple of years they fall out with each other. Across gender lines, often about the same issues from their childhood. As kids, we were sheltered from a lot of the issues but as adults (and some of my cousins are parents now) we see all of this foolishness and wonder when are they going to get over it! There are 2 big issues: ownership of some family property and access to the family trust. Thank G-d my great-grandmother wrote me and my younger cousin into the will when we were under 2 years old. We are the only ones that have any sense about the whole issue!
Click to expand...

Money will do it every time.

Even when people try to do it right (trusts and wills, and such), some people just don't know how to act.

It is always sad to see people let these kind of things tear families apart.
 
FlowerHair said:
Love my siblings. Mother always stressed how important our bond was and encouraged us to do things together and look out for each other. We've been best friends for 45+ years, all four of us. We also only had each other to play with at the summer house sometimes. I see that the strong sibling bond has been inherited by the next generation. My nieces and nephews are just like us.
Click to expand...

That is so beautiful. It really is. What a blessing for you and your family.
 
@FlowerHair May I ask a question of you? What is the gap between you and your sisters?

From my experience, I've seen siblings who were 2-3 years apart and were of the same sex to be highly competitive and not close. If they were of opposite sex, it could work, but not same.

The exception was if there were additional sibs. My mom and her sis who were two years apart were incredibly close. Then there was a sixteen year gap. And although they loved their older two sisters, they had a tight bond with each other (2 years apart).
 
Lucie said:
I am sorry to read that. Though I am an only child my aunts, and uncles did this to me with my cousins. To this day, it has created a wedge between the majority of us. My problem is that I was an eager to please child. I did not like to ruffle any feathers, and appreciated effort, so I just kept my discontentment to myself. Whereas, many of my cousins were into everything and more into talking back. I didn't start talking back until my mid to late twenties, LOL!

To this day the still think I am the Princess of the family.

I always regret not having a sibling, but somehow all of my friends end up being the responsible one with disrespectful, slacker siblings. I guess at this point, it's okay. My dad is over 70 and his lady is over 60, so I think I'm not going to have any surprises. :babyg:
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I relate to all of this. You feel a lot of resentment being the princess of the family. Even when you try to do the right thing and bring people together, help family out, someone always has something to say. Always. I just try to do the right thing and love from afar when necessary. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, even though they think that I do. If I am in a better position to help than someone else, I will feel guilty if I don't try to step in and do something. But I try to only help when asked these days. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
 
AbsyBlvd said:
^^I've also called my brother a sociopath and I truly believe he is.
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why do you think that? my sister & I have talked about how scary he was growing up. very angry most of the time for no reason (this still happens sometimes). my sister and I both cried when he got married. We felt like we never really knew our brother/he never really loved us (especially me), and he got married to my sister in law just months after meeting her, sounds like a jealousy thing when I type it out, but I'd feel it was only jealousy because I always wanted that good, close relationship with my bro and he would straight up ignore me, even if I were apologizing for just existing.
 
OriginalBeauty said:
I relate to all of this. You feel a lot of resentment being the princess of the family. Even when you try to do the right thing and bring people together, help family out, someone always has something to say. Always. I just try to do the right thing and love from afar when necessary. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, even though they think that I do. If I am in a better position to help than someone else, I will feel guilty if I don't try to step in and do something. But I try to only help when asked these days. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
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I am not happy you can relate, but it's nice to know that you can.

Even when I had my bad streak, I was still being compared to the others (who I feel) that were doing better than me. I did my best to coordinate family outings, resolve disputes, remind people of upcoming birthdays and the like. Just to find out that like you, "Damned if you, damned if you don't." Out of my many first cousins, I only speak to two. It is better for me. I don't have to be anything, but at ease. I don't have to worry about coming across goody-goody or trying to kiss up to our elder. It sucks because I like being cool with everyone, but my sanity is everything to me, LOL!
 
OriginalBeauty said:
@FlowerHair May I ask a question of you? What is the gap between you and your sisters?

From my experience, I've seen siblings who were 2-3 years apart and were of the same sex to be highly competitive and not close. If they were of opposite sex, it could work, but not same.

The exception was if there were additional sibs. My mom and her sis who were two years apart were incredibly close. Then there was a sixteen year gap. And although they loved their older two sisters, they had a tight bond with each other (2 years apart).
Click to expand...
We are 45, 48, 49 and 51. Two boys and two girls. My sister is 49.
 
I don't think there is anything parents can do..

My sister was never there for me growing up, and has accomplished nothing with her life that she can be proud of with her poor choices, but still has this huge resentment and jealousy towards me....we cannot be around each other for any length of time, without things blowing up
My older brother married out, to a Becky she devil, who tried to fight me every time she sees me..:lachen:, .. - I have not spoken to him in over a decade because of her

The only one I'm close to is my baby brother, me and him are tight, I don't think we've ever had a cross word...
 
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