Ny Times Magazine: Is An Open Marriage A Happier Marriage?

[quirkydimples]

It's a long article, but so far an interesting one. Thoughts?

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

Humans esp men always prefer new *ahem*

So i don't think it would help marriages at all (But I didn't read the artcle)

 

[MsNaturalcurl82]

I feel like having an open marriage would be exhaustive. I guess it depends on the types of relationships that a person is having outside of the marriage. Are these just sexual flings or are we talking about falling in love with other folks too? I'd be jealous and I don't like the idea of sharing peen. I guess I'm just an old fashion prude because dealing with one man is enough of a headache at times but dealing with two, nah I'm good. Plus I'd be scared of catching an STD, you can catch genital herpes even while using a condom.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

What's the point of being married then? For the idea of growing old together? Making medical decisions for the other? there's nothing to keep either party from finding better companionship elsewhere in the midst of their "openness" and leaving the other high and dry. To me, its also not worth the out of wedlock babies, sexually transmitted diseases, psycho outsiders who don't want to share anymore and folks who come creepin for child support when someone slips up and gets an outside person pregnant. 'Tis a scam.

Yeah, no thanks.

 

[MizAvalon]

I didn't read the entire article(too long) but what I did read made a lot of really interesting points.

I have spoken about this quite a few times on the board but I know a couple that has an open marriage. It has been an open marriage from the beginning and I think they have been married about 25 years or so now. There are firm rules in place that they each have to abide by regarding the outside encounters and as far as I know they have a happy marriage. One thing that I always thought was a little unusual was that their marriage was open right from the start. Most people that explore open marriage don't usually do so until they have reached middle age and been together a long time. Either they find out that they aren't well matched sexually or one of them gets some sort of illness that makes sex uncomfortable, they lose their libido, or sex just physically isn't possible anymore.

Open marriages can work but they are certainly not for everyone.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I haven't finished reading the article yet, but there was one thing that stood out so far:

The couples did not perceive their desire to see other people as a symptom of dysfunction but rather as a fairly typical human need that they thought they were up to the challenge of navigating.

This is very interesting.

 

[LdyKamz]

I haven't finished reading the article yet, but there was one thing that stood out so far:

The couples did not perceive their desire to see other people as a symptom of dysfunction but rather as a fairly typical human need that they thought they were up to the challenge of navigating.

This is very interesting.

The quote does make sense on some level. Most people follow the "look but don't touch rule" when it comes to relationships. Everyone looks at other men/women but no one acts on it. Even when a person practically has neon arrows pointing at their bed. These people don't follow that rule. I don't think I could be in an open relationship but are those that enter into one more...mature (this isn't really the word I'm looking for) in some way? Do they know something we don't? Barring the people that just want an excuse to cheat while their mate is left feeling neglected and unworthy because they want to step out. I'm not talking about those people.

 

[C@ssandr@]

The quote does make sense on some level. Most people follow the "look but don't touch rule" when it comes to relationships. Everyone looks at other men/women but no one acts on it. Even when a person practically has neon arrows pointing at their bed. These people don't follow that rule. I don't think I could be in an open relationship but are those that enter into one more...mature (this isn't really the word I'm looking for) in some way? Do they know something we don't? Barring the people that just want an excuse to cheat while their mate is left feeling neglected and unworthy because they want to step out. I'm not talking about those people.

Regarding the bold:

1) Hmm, how do we actually know this?
2) What does this have to do with the quote? The statement is not condoning nor condemning open relationships.

Also, I'm posting specifically in reference to the article.

 

[C@ssandr@]

While I'm here, there are two other things that stood out to me:

We are definitely equipped with biological mechanisms that support collaboration and bonding and communication, and those have evolved to help us succeed in the difficult task of raising infants. ..and anything that can threaten those bonds, that's real pain, that's real brain chemistry involved. But we are a diverse and adaptive species, so what we should predict is a suite of biological mechanisms that would allow diverse approaches to that challenge of raising children. Flexibility is what is distinctive about us as humans.

They saw no incongruity to their decision to wed - they were flexible, adaptable humans, reshaping an institution to their needs, rather than the other way around.

I'll have to come back another time for alladis. Article is long! I still haven't finished it, lol.

 

[**SaSSy**]

The concept of getting married is a means for building wealthy and security for both parties.

You have more power and leverage in all matters when you are married. For example a baby mama/daddy does not have a legal right compared to the wife or husband in matters concerning legal and health concerns. For example, if a wife wants to make a health decision his outside children and BMs don't agree with, guess who wins that fight.

All that monogamy, love and having sexual relations with only your spouse is what religion organizations and society imposes. Humans are not innately "monogamy" (both males and females).

 

[LdyKamz]

Regarding the bold:

1) Hmm, how do we actually know this?
2) What does this have to do with the quote? The statement is not condoning nor condemning open relationships.

Also, I'm posting specifically in reference to the article.

To answer your first question: It is to be assumed in most singular monogamous relationships (with no cheating involved) people see other people they are attracted to but do not act on said urges, right?

To answer your second question: The quote specifically states their desire to see other people is a basic human need hence my reference to the look don't touch rule. It is human that while in relationships you find people that you are attracted to and may even want to sleep with. It is fact. But again, in most singular monogamous relationships people don't. However - according to the quote - the ones in open relationships can act on this and navigate this challenge. They don't follow the look but don't touch rule. Maybe my post doesn't make sense in reference to the article because I haven't read it yet. I'm going to read it later.

Oh and I'm not condoning or condemning it either. I was commenting specifically on the quote you posted from the article.

 

[MizAvalon]

The quote does make sense on some level. Most people follow the "look but don't touch rule" when it comes to relationships. Everyone looks at other men/women but no one acts on it. Even when a person practically has neon arrows pointing at their bed. These people don't follow that rule. I don't think I could be in an open relationship but are those that enter into one more...mature (this isn't really the word I'm looking for) in some way? Do they know something we don't? Barring the people that just want an excuse to cheat while their mate is left feeling neglected and unworthy because they want to step out. I'm not talking about those people.

I don't know about more mature but perhaps they are able to compartmentalize better? For example, the couple that I know with an open marriage, they don't have full on relationships with other people but they do have sexual encounters. If the husband is out of town on business and he gets to chatting with a woman at the hotel bar and wants to sleep with her, then he is allowed to. Same goes for the wife. However, emotional relationships, dating, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, things like that are not allowed. They just don't believe that monogamy is natural and they are fine with each other having physical encounters with other people. Emotional relationships? No. But physical encounters? Yes. Those are just the rules that they have set up for their marriage.

Like I said earlier, they have been married for 25 years and have rolled like this from day one. Granted, their arrangement is unusual in that they are both on board with it and no one had to be convinced to go along with it. Also, they have no children. Not sure if that's a factor or not in the success of their arrangement.

 

[DarkJoy]

i haven't read it but have seen how it can work when done day one. it never or rarel works when one springs the idea on the other all of a sudden. the one being pitched the idea feels inadequate and insecure.

my fear would be dude sneaking in a raw moment and ooops! outside kid to pay support for draining money out my family.

 

[quirkydimples]

Article is long! I still haven't finished it, lol.

Told ya.

I hadn't finished when I posted the link.