Need your advice ladies :(

[longhairlover]

The crazy thing is when someone finally calls me for an interview I get excited and feel like ok this is a sign from God. But then I turn out to be wrong

With the hubby i'm so fed up I don't know what to do.
He does not know what marriage is about, he's never supportive of me this is just another situation showing me where I stand and what I don't mean to him.

When he was working and on top he would make comments about me not working just a whole bunch of crap ladies. Just made me feel like s&&t until he was in the same position and unemployed for a yr. Racism or not maybe he didn't find a job quick because he was bad to me when I was down. But some people don't ever get it, if you are bad to someone especially a spouse it will come back to you. At aig he was the only one laid off last yr I warned him the treatment you give to me you will get yours in the end.

I just think the only resolution in the end is going to be me leaving him. I have tried for 5 yrs being with him to tolerate him. He has been nothing but a problem. My other friends husbands are real men they make the right decisions. Like I was saying even his guy friend took a secretary job just to keep from being unemployed.

I don't even feel bad for thinking about moving back with my mom, sometimes I even feel like he's bad luck. I had jobs (even if it was sexual harrassment) and good salaries. Get with him I have to quit jobs can't find another one in a darn yr+! I'm even applying for lower jobs and can't get called for those.

Sometimes certain people come into your life and destroy it!

I have not been doing well since being with him, my health everything has just fallen apart.

And i'm speaking from the heart ladies, I don't mind to dish my dirty laundry just a warning for those if you see a man has certain traits run in the opposite direction.

It's like his arrogance has come right back with these offers, before he was like "now I know how you feel, and i'm sorry for saying mean things to you while you were unemployed" but now the attitude is back.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I think you have a good idea bout going to stay with your mom. Don't confide in her too much, just enough to where she knows what's going on and will understand why she needs to come stay with you. Something is not right and you seem to know it. You guys are not dating any more. His role is now of provider. If he can't see what the job with security means for you and your health, then I think you know what to do next. I get the sense that you've probably known for a long time (ie before you even married him).

 

[longhairlover]

I always consult with my mom on things she's my best friend and just now she made a valid point.

She said to me "he's not wanting to achieve goals for 'US' he wants to achieve these things for 'himself' it's all about him". and I totally agree w/her.

My friend just got married and they have had so many blessings and they work together. So far they have their luxury cars, they have just put money down on a home all under a yr of being married. She was lucky to find a man that wants a joint venture not just a steady sex buddy.

My husband is all about himself and i'm starting to see this now. And that is why we have actually gone backwards instead of forward. There is no 'US' in his plans for our marriage theres' only 'ME, ME, ME, ME'.

I think of things as 'us' and 'we' not 'me' but it takes two people to be on the same page.

 

[longhairlover]

I think you have a good idea bout going to stay with your mom. Don't confide in her too much, just enough to where she knows what's going on and will understand why she needs to come stay with you. Something is not right and you seem to know it. You guys are not dating any more. His role is now of provider. If he can't see what the job with security means for you and your health, then I think you know what to do next. I get the sense that you've probably known for a long time (ie before you even married him).

you read me and your 100% right. I don't know why I married him. my mother stays out of it, she keeps her opinions to herself. when I come to her then she'll give an honest assessment.

I also think he has identity issues, he made such an emphasis on the perm job being a group of 'us' with attitudes, so it's like who's really the racist. he applied for the job, so at first it must've been something you wanted to do but then you see too many black folks you have a problem now .

the oppenheimer is a group of white girls, he loves him some white folks. he has nothing but positive things to say about the oppenheimer ppl, when he's on a job he clings to the white boy always.

i'm tired of dealing with all the issues. I done married 'that' kind of brother.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

you read me and your 100% right. I don't know why I married him. my mother stays out of it, she keeps her opinions to herself. when I come to her then she'll give an honest assessment.

I also think he has identity issues, he made such an emphasis on the perm job being a group of 'us' with attitudes, so it's like who's really the racist. he applied for the job, so at first it must've been something you wanted to do but then you see too many black folks you have a problem now .

the oppenheimer is a group of white girls, he loves him some white folks. he has nothing but positive things to say about the oppenheimer ppl, when he's on a job he clings to the white boy always.

i'm tired of dealing with all the issues. I done married 'that' kind of brother.

The type of personality that your husband has needs to be avoided. I think anyone who emphasizes any race over their own needs to be avoided. This is not the type of personality you take to therapy or even reason with. I have this type of personality in at least 4 people in my family (ie whites can do absolutely no wrong, even if they are shooting a gun at their feet telling them 'dance ninja, dance!'"

I wish you the best in what you decide. Keep in mind, it's not your responsibility to save him from marrying a white woman. He's going to do what he wants in your marriage or out of it.

 

[longhairlover]

I agree I have them in my family too, it's like a genetic gene or something, me and my mom are the only ones left without that issue lol!

He won't admit he has this issue but I see right through it. He's in denial. I'm just wondering if the perm job were white people would with attitudes would he have anything to say? He probably would've accepted the job when they called, he's trying to negotiate a higher salary now so lets see what he does Monday.

at bold

shockingly he doesn't like white women (allegedly) but he likes everything else in the race pool. I guess maybe he needs to find him someone to sponsor for a green card someone submissive that will let him bring both of them down with his decisions.

The type of personality that your husband has needs to be avoided. I think anyone who emphasizes any race over their own needs to be avoided. This is not the type of personality you take to therapy or even reason with. I have this type of personality in at least 4 people in my family (ie whites can do absolutely no wrong, even if they are shooting a gun at their feet telling them 'dance ninja, dance!'"

I wish you the best in what you decide. Keep in mind, it's not your responsibility to save him from marrying a white woman. He's going to do what he wants in your marriage or out of it.

 

[darlingdiva]

he knows what i'm going through, he's been there with me to all the dr appointments, but he's a self centered selfish prick!

he knows i'm back kind of to how I felt last yr, sleeplessness, annoyed, sometimes my heart rate goes back up, the heart rate thing was how I finally found out something was wrong.

I haven't been to the doc in freaking months!!!! so who knows where my levels are, i'm taking my meds but that doesn't mean it's the right levels after all this time has passed.

then he has the nerve to say "i'll hate you if I have to take this job".

my luggage is out of the closet. I should've stayed single.

Okay, I gasped when I read the bolded. That is just WRONG on so many levels: it's selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate...just plain mean! Marriage, hell life, is about compromise. Sometimes you do what you have to do so you can later do what you want to do. Right now, what he has to do is take that permanent job so that you guys can have benefits & get your medicine.

I feel so awful for you. I can't believe he's STILL putting you through nonsense & not thinking like a husband. You're in my prayers.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

This thread is just depressing. I cannot understand how your HUSBAND could knowingly choose a job with no benefits knowing your medical condition, especially after being unemployed for a year. It sounds like he was not ready to get married at all or he just does not understand the concept of marriage being a partnership.

Most men, or at least the men that I know, would snatch up the perm job in order to provide for their family and then work their dream at night & on weekends.

What kind of man tells his wife that I will hate you if I have to take a perm job that will help provide much needed medical benefits? How can he be so selfish?

he knows what i'm going through, he's been there with me to all the dr appointments, but he's a self centered selfish prick!

he knows i'm back kind of to how I felt last yr, sleeplessness, annoyed, sometimes my heart rate goes back up, the heart rate thing was how I finally found out something was wrong.

I haven't been to the doc in freaking months!!!! so who knows where my levels are, i'm taking my meds but that doesn't mean it's the right levels after all this time has passed.

then he has the nerve to say "i'll hate you if I have to take this job".

my luggage is out of the closet. I should've stayed single.

 

[Giselle685]

don't leave your husband.

 

[longhairlover]

your sooooo right, he's very immature we both can be immature, but he's not thinking clearly. of course the temp job is better but it's temp, of course it will or can lead him to waaaaay more money, the perm job is a few steps back.

BUT after being unemployed for a yr I would think he'd be comforted to have a perm job offer.

He said he's going to work the temp job for 2 weeks see how it goes, and tell the perm job he'll start in 2 weeks.

lets see how this goes.......................

he also thinks i'm jealous, i'm jealous because he's being unappreciative and if it were me I wouldn't have to think twice about which decision to make. and I dont know how he could think i'm jealous with him working temp in a position that will get him $$$$ later on I would be the one to benefit so why in the hell would be jealous?

he is EXTREMELY SELFISH!!!! EXTREMELY

I don't know if us both being the only children has anything to do with it, but when it comes to making an adult decision i'm normally good at that, don't know about him.

i'm just annoyed to the 10th degree.

he doesn't understand what marriage is we need counseling, we have needed counseling for a while now. he's faithful and normally a good provider but he's so into this "job will take me to higher salaries" thing that's he is not thinking realistically.

I should've paid attention when I met him on the job, because I think I missed the small yellow bus dropping him off....................

This thread is just depressing. I cannot understand how your HUSBAND could knowingly choose a job with no benefits knowing your medical condition, especially after being unemployed for a year. It sounds like he was not ready to get married at all or he just does not understand the concept of marriage being a partnership.

Most men, or at least the men that I know, would snatch up the perm job in order to provide for their family and then work their dream at night & on weekends.

What kind of man tells his wife that I will hate you if I have to take a perm job that will help provide much needed medical benefits? How can he be so selfish?

 

[longhairlover]

i'm in between leaving or just wanting to seperate for a while. I always consider him when I make decisions, it's like he done lost his mind, maybe being unemployed for a yr has made him nuts.

don't leave your husband.

 

[longhairlover]

I just locked myself in the room when he said that. some ladies on here know I have a very bad temper so I just stayed in the room to keep from catching an assault or murder charge over the weekend.

I snap quick and i'm trying to keep my composure but he's pushing the red button, so keeping my distance is keeping my violence level down and I don't need that stress. How will I take care of my hair in jail lmao!

he is very selfish, he's not spiritual either not even 1% so he doesn't know that a higher force is watching his @## and he will get his just like he was the only one to be laid off.

God does not like ugly. Your right life is about compromise but he just does not get it, no matter what I say it's like he has no brain.

I have taken plenty of jobs that I hated hell almost all of them just to earn money and pay my bills and to stay stylish.

Okay, I gasped when I read the bolded. That is just WRONG on so many levels: it's selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate...just plain mean! Marriage, hell life, is about compromise. Sometimes you do what you have to do so you can later do what you want to do. Right now, what he has to do is take that permanent job so that you guys can have benefits & get your medicine.

I feel so awful for you. I can't believe he's STILL putting you through nonsense & not thinking like a husband. You're in my prayers.

 

[Giselle685]

i'm in between leaving or just wanting to seperate for a while. I always consider him when I make decisions, it's like he done lost his mind, maybe being unemployed for a yr has made him nuts.

I thought about what I posted. I understand all your validity in wanting to leave. I just feel that you separating will cause a larger ripple in the pond than you can bargain for. I don't know what you should do.. there are many options, but I don't think leaving should be one of them right now. Take it back to when you all were dating. Men rarely understand our drastic actions in the way that we intend for them (our actions: leaving, shutting down, etc.) to be understood. He may take it as a whole different thing and turn this into a war you don't have armor for.

This may cause for you to be a little gentle.
This may cause for you to be a mixture of Madea and Cinderella.

I have no idea, but I don't like to see bad marriages. You leaving could turn this into one.

 

[Giselle685]

I just locked myself in the room when he said that. some ladies on here know I have a very bad temper so I just stayed in the room to keep from catching an assault or murder charge over the weekend.

I snap quick and i'm trying to keep my composure but he's pushing the red button, so keeping my distance is keeping my violence level down and I don't need that stress. How will I take care of my hair in jail lmao!

he is very selfish, he's not spiritual either not even 1% so he doesn't know that a higher force is watching his @## and he will get his just like he was the only one to be laid off.

God does not like ugly. Your right life is about compromise but he just does not get it, no matter what I say it's like he has no brain.

I have taken plenty of jobs that I hated hell almost all of them just to earn money and pay my bills and to stay stylish.

I wish you could hear my voice . Please don't let this be understood in the wrong way:

You are Christian he is not. .Bible talks a lot about showing people the right way to live. Hope this helps. As for your health, are there any free clinics around you? With the new health reform there are more options for those in your position. I believe there are some insurance exchanges in each state as well as some tax credits, and stipends for those who are a percentage of the poverty level .

 

[Jazala]

I've read this entire thread and I'm trying to put myself in your shoes however, at the end of the day your husband is the one who has to stomach being on this job day after day and regretting the entire time that he may have missed a great opportunity. I don't blame him for wanting the job that gives him more peace and more potential for growth. You pressuring him to settle for less than his potential probably feels emasculating.

I hope everything works out. It will probably take longer than two weeks for them to move him from temp to perm though if they want to hire him. I've been in this situation before. It can take 3 to 6 months depending on the contract between the company and the agency.

 

[longhairlover]

In a marriage you have to make the best decision for you and your spouse. If the shoe were on the other foot and he was sick and needed to be under dr.s care frequently i'd take the perm job, but that is just me I guess, I am not selfish, I think of us as a whole.

It shouldn't be emasculating he's a man and supposed to be a husband and take care of his home and wife while I look for work, why take the risk on something that is not guaranteed? With temping they can change their mind in a minute and go with someone else. And it's not like offers have been banging on the door for him even with all the interviews.

It has taken a yr to get a perm offer, and the perm job is a few steps back but it's still a good position. And this temp job will only give him several months of experience when that field of work requires 2+yrs of experience that he still won't have.

I have known people that have temped for several yrs before being offered a perm job. It's just too risky in this market.

I don't understand how some people would prefer instability of a temp position vs a perm job.

I also forgot to mention before he was laid off I was told I need a breast biopsy, so how am I supposed to get that done? He was laid off before I was able to get it done. And he's like he'll pay for it, he can't afford to pay for it!, those tests costs thousands of dollars!

But i'm emasculating him?...............erplexed

I've read this entire thread and I'm trying to put myself in your shoes however, at the end of the day your husband is the one who has to stomach being on this job day after day and regretting the entire time that he may have missed a great opportunity. I don't blame him for wanting the job that gives him more peace and more potential for growth. You pressuring him to settle for less than his potential probably feels emasculating.

I hope everything works out. It will probably take longer than two weeks for them to move him from temp to perm though if they want to hire him. I've been in this situation before. It can take 3 to 6 months depending on the contract between the company and the agency.

 

[longhairlover]

they aren't any free places here, and for my thyroid I HAVE to go to a specialist. I went to the clinic near me before but they don't know about autoimmune issues like thyroid disease, they can do diabetes but thyroid is out of their league. I tried before he got any offers to find cheaper treatment but there aren't any. if this were a cold or flu then yeah I could go to the clinic.

and I can't risk having someone try to treat my thyroid disease that is unskilled on the matter, that is the reason why poor folks are treated incorrectly because of unskilled professionals.

I also have other things I have to have done:
Breast biopsy
Bladder checked I am always in the bathroom, with that I want to have a thorough examination of my kidneys checked because I had weird #'s on my bloodwork from last yr in regards to my kidneys. And to think I used to be healthy with energy.

These are all things I was trying to have done before his benefits ran out from being laid off but couldn't.

Were not at poverty level though, we have income (unemployment) and other money, so there aren't any free programs for us Jersey really doesn't have programs to help people that aren't poor but not rich. I've looked into these things before but shockingly our incomes are too high......that's something right.

That's what I missed about New York they have real health insurance for people of all income levels.

I can't even get my meds for free because the pharmaceutical companies don't offer it for my meds, he was able to get his asthma meds free though which was good.

I try to show him the right way, some people are reluctant I dont give up though I keep trying.

I wish you could hear my voice . Please don't let this be understood in the wrong way:

You are Christian he is not. .Bible talks a lot about showing people the right way to live. Hope this helps. As for your health, are there any free clinics around you? With the new health reform there are more options for those in your position. I believe there are some insurance exchanges in each state as well as some tax credits, and stipends for those who are a percentage of the poverty level .

 

[longhairlover]

So I asked him respectfully what's his decision he's like "you know my decision, and if you are gonna leave then you are".

He's like he spoke with his family and friends (he has no friends, and if these are the people that tried to flirt w/me in his face then I feel sorry he's calling them friends) and they are like he's making the right decisions.

Mind you this is the same family that told their 19 yr old neice to have a baby by a guy that's cheating on her and she just entered college. The same family members that have babies for sport.

His mother has never liked me so i'm sure she's happy to see his marriage fail. He went to some family event yesterday and came back w/some new attitude. His mom is the same woman that has been a hinderance in our relationship for 5 yrs.

Her husband cheated left her and never returned, they lost their home, cars everything, she's starting over again. I recently saw her at a funeral instead of her saying hello she tugged at my hair
;(.

This is the same mother that kicked him out after college for the bad husband because he caught the husband at the movies with another woman.

His mom was nonexistent when we first started dating I think she would call him every 3-4 months, after she found out he had someone she has been a thorn ever since.

I just want out, and I feel bad because I don't have my ish together ;(, i'm so miserable right now.

I can only blame myself..............

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I am just shocked that a man would speak like this to his sick wife, all over wanting him to get a perm job to provide medical benefits.

I get it that couples disagree and some couples even argue about their various positions on issues, but it does not read like you two have the same long term goals at all.

So I asked him respectfully what's his decision he's like "you know my decision, and if you are gonna leave then you are".

He's like he spoke with his family and friends (he has no friends, and if these are the people that tried to flirt w/me in his face then I feel sorry he's calling them friends) and they are like he's making the right decisions.

Mind you this is the same family that told their 19 yr old neice to have a baby by a guy that's cheating on her and she just entered college. The same family members that have babies for sport.

His mother has never liked me so i'm sure she's happy to see his marriage fail. He went to some family event yesterday and came back w/some new attitude. His mom is the same woman that has been a hinderance in our relationship for 5 yrs.

Her husband cheated left her and never returned, they lost their home, cars everything, she's starting over again. I recently saw her at a funeral instead of her saying hello she tugged at my hair
;(.

This is the same mother that kicked him out after college for the bad husband because he caught the husband at the movies with another woman.

His mom was nonexistent when we first started dating I think she would call him every 3-4 months, after she found out he had someone she has been a thorn ever since.

I just want out, and I feel bad because I don't have my ish together ;(, i'm so miserable right now.

I can only blame myself..............

 

[Keen]

Longhair I'm sorry he is not taking your need in consideration. I can totally see where you are coming from. I can't say to leave him or not. You did ask him to consult his mom. This whole thing should have been between the two of you. I can't believe this temp job is that important to him.

 

[longhairlover]

I am shocked too, he's being irrational. There is no goal with us in mind. I see that now, it's all about him and his future.

And I don't know why he's running his mouth to outside folks that either don't like me or don't like that we are together.

My mother always told me never to depend on a man because alot of times they will disappoint you and she was right. Her ex husband turned on her when she was down and out and switching from being a hairstylist and trying to find other work. So I have seen this before in a marriage and it didn't end well.

I have always been independant but I just felt that since I have a spouse we can help each other when the other is having a rough time, maybe I have things backwards.

This just makes me feel bad that I don't have my stuff together and can't find work no matter where I look

People have no loyality.

I am just shocked that a man would speak like this to his sick wife, all over wanting him to get a perm job to provide medical benefits.

I get it that couples disagree and some couples even argue about their various positions on issues, but it does not read like you two have the same long term goals at all.

 

[longhairlover]

I can't believe this is an issue either over temp vs perm either.
It was my mistake to tell him to ask him mom, I forgot she's a hater and doesn't like me. But I just thought any logical person would be like "take the perm job fool".

but he's running his mouth to anyone that will listen and they are giving the wrong advice and I feel like they are doing it on purpose.

Longhair I'm sorry he is not taking your need in consideration. I can totally see where you are coming from. I can't say to leave him or not. You did ask him to consult his mom. This whole thing should have been between the two of you. I can't believe this temp job is that important to him.

 

[longhairlover]

it's also crazy because he's making it as if i'm mad he got a job. I want nothing more than for him to succeed I have been the one to push him to get the jobs he's had so far.

he's like "why are you walking around pouting all weekend".

what? that's when he said "my family and friends said i'm making the right decision".

 

[Giselle685]

Health reform bill mentions something about up to 400% near the poverty level. After my exams I'm gonna take a look see. There has to be a way to get a specialist under your condition without insurance since the health reform bill has passed. Best o luck.

 

[Sasha299]

For your own health care look to NJ Family care for assistance. You may still have to pay a monthly premium but it may give you access to better health care. http://www.njfamilycare.org/pages/whatItCosts.html

While you are with him, He can pay it out of his income once he has it.

I think that you both need counseling individually and separately.

I don't mean to be snarky but what is he giving to you in this relationship that makes it worth while staying in it? There has to be a line - can you depend on him when you need him? If you were to have children with him would you want your children to grow up like him? Do you believe that he can/will ever change?

I am very spiritual but usually leave it out of my online convos/assvice but I have one thing for you. Do you believe that Christians must be evenly yoked? Are you?

 

[Natasha009]

I think you need to do what's best for you since he apparently isn't. In Jersey if you are seperated it will cut your income down, possibly making you elegible for healthcare.

I just don't see how this situation can be resolved - if he takes the temp job, you'll resent him, if he takes the perm job, he'll resent you. If he takes the temp job, is that even a guarantee he'll get moved to the position he wants? Won't they just hire him for the temp job he's doing? I've seen PLENTY of times at my old job (a large insurance company) where we would have a great temp for 6 months who thought they would go perm, then all of a sudden they would hire someone else for the position permanently, b/c the temp didn't have enough years of experience. So just b/c he's doing the job really isn't a guarantee he will get the job if he lacks the experience. Is there no chance for advancment in the permanent job?

I'm horrified that he would play around with your health like that, thyroid issues are no joke! And the whole calling you jealous and putting you down about being out of work - such negativity. A husband is not supposed to feel and act superior to you and gloat when things aren't working out for you, he's supposed to comfort you, b/c you are a team. It comes off that he doesn't see you as a team, he sees you as a competitor.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Your mother is wrong. There are God-fearing, loving, dependable, respectful, compassionate, honest, supportive, loyal, caring men in this world. Do not allow this situation or your mom's situation color your view on all men.

I am shocked too, he's being irrational. There is no goal with us in mind. I see that now, it's all about him and his future.

And I don't know why he's running his mouth to outside folks that either don't like me or don't like that we are together.

My mother always told me never to depend on a man because alot of times they will disappoint you and she was right. Her ex husband turned on her when she was down and out and switching from being a hairstylist and trying to find other work. So I have seen this before in a marriage and it didn't end well.

I have always been independant but I just felt that since I have a spouse we can help each other when the other is having a rough time, maybe I have things backwards.

This just makes me feel bad that I don't have my stuff together and can't find work no matter where I look

People have no loyality.

 

[new-life]

Dude disgusts me... LHL, wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. Keep your head up.

 

[MissJ]

I wasn't going to reply to this thread, because I am not married and therefore can't really give marriage advice. I remember you posting about your husband wanting to take some kind of sales job with his friend. Now, this, and you've revealed that you are sick, and your husband doesn't take your illness into consideration. I'm sorry, but your husband is just plain selfish!

 

[Lucie]

I hope your DH can see how this is affecting you. ((( HUGS )))