My SO does not know how to save $$. Am I wrong for what i did?

[Dposh167]

Let me just say that my SO is horrible at saving money. We took a trip MAY OF THIS YEAR to the Caribbean. (a trip that was planned since late 2009). He did not save up enough money to pay his half of the trip by the time of booking. I had no choice but to put the trip on my card and wait for him to pay me my $$ after we got back to the states.

Flash forward to the present. He still owes a leftover 160 bucks from that trip that he has yet to pay me for. In the meantime he's already planning for a new trip for his bday in Sept. I told him I'm not going anywhere with him unless he has ALL the money for his trip saved.

Well i gave him a deadline for him to save and he has not saved a dime. I told him well that's too bad. We're not going anywhere. And i booked a new trip with my friends only to go somewhere domestic.

was i wrong for doing this for his bday? I mean about booking a new trip with my girls? what would you do in my situation?

fyi: he's pretty mad at me for doing this and thinks i'm insensitive for not being with him on his bday. erplexed. I told him that I gave him too many chances to save money for trips that He wants to go on. He still owes money from the last trip, and im almost certain I would have to be responsible for picking up his slack on a new trip. I'm not rich and I can't afford all of this. I really wanted to go somewhere before summer officially ends, and if i leave it up to him, I'll be sitting right in this apt. looking at my TV. that's why i booked a new trip with my friends

 

[FemmeCreole]

I agree with you on the part that y'all not going anywhere.

But I disagree with you leaving him on his bday and going with your girls

 

[kmn1980]

I wouldn't have left him out there on his B-day but we definitely wouldn't be traveling on my dime either. We'd be at a nice restaurant or somewhere we could travel by car.

OP, take note of this. Don't know how close you all are to marriage but surely file this $ issue in your mental Rolodex.

 

[Whimsy]

DAMN Pooch!!! You're COLD as ice!!!

I would be miffed about the missing leftover money and him not being ready to pay his share of the bday trip. I'd feel like he takes for granted that I'd just put it on my card...

I would not go on vacay with him for his birthday, but I wouldn't leave him on his birthday to go away with my friends! YIKES!

If I were your SO I'd be upset too.

 

[Theo]

Is there a reason that you have to go on his b-day? Could you book a trip on the weekend before or after?

 

[glamchick84]

That was kinda harsh!! You, shouldn't leave him on his bday especially since ya'll was already planning a trip together. Maybe do something local

 

[*CherryPie*]

I wouldn't keep paying for him, but I wouldn't leave him on his birthday either.

That's cold.

 

[Dposh167]

OP, take note of this. Don't know how close you all are to marriage but surely file this $ issue in your mental Rolodex.

we're def. not close to marriage. But I definitely put this $$ issue on my list of things to pay attention to.

DAMN Pooch!!! You're COLD as ice!!!
.

i know. my friends told me the same thing about this situation.

Is there a reason that you have to go on his b-day? Could you book a trip on the weekend before or after?

we're actually gonna see each other the weekend BEFORE his b-day. I told him we could celebrate it then.

I guess i should've stated in the OP that i ORIGINALLY made plans with my girls first. But he wanted to be with me on his bday so i obliged. Now he doesn't even have money to celebrate his own bday. That's why i feel inclined to go back to original plan. He had months to save up his half and never set aside a dime

 

[southerncitygirl]

your SO has major money mgmt issues, maybe as cruel as it was he will get it together the next go round.

 

[kblc06]

You know what, I don't think you were in the wrong. I'm sorry but you are an adult, if you knew you wanted this trip you should've planned accordingly. I do not play when it comes to my money. After that first fiasco, I may have cut him loose. This should be a lesson and he should learn to put on his big boy drawers. I'm not going to put my life and plans on hold because you can't get it together- your arse would be left like Jeff. Perhaps you could make plans the week before with him

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Okay I GET it. I realized you feel like you were taken advantage of. Who knows...maybe there's other instances where he has left you ponying up all the money and this the final straw. However, I wouldn't leave him on his birthday unless you just want to leave him in general because you don't feel like he's carrying his fair share of the relationship. $160 sounds like a tiny amount to be this petty about. I would understand NOT purchasing another trip, and perhaps just taking him out to dinner so that you aren't left owing more in the end, but not having a trip with friends on his birthday. UNLESS you're doing it because you're sick and tired of his b.s and really no longer want him as a SO (I don't know your history). In which case, you should break clean, instead of having a tantrum and then go on the trip with your friends. Otherwise, you need to realize that if you want to continue a relationship with him, that you should be apart of his life on his birthday...that is IF

 

[VioletWylde]

At first, I disagreed. Then I saw that going on a trip with your girls was the default plan. You changed your plans in order to make plans with him. He didn't follow through and that is his own fault. You will still get to see him for his bday. It's not like you told him that you didn't want to celebrate his bday at all.

Choices have consequences. Consequences may not something that you like, but that doesn't mean that they are a punishment.

 

[goldielocs]

I think you did the right thing in both instances. He knew about the trip a long time ago and probly assumed you'd cover him this time since you did in the past. I see his behavior as a lack of respect for you. If he respected you, he would not have even suggested another trip until he paid you back in full from the last one. He would also make sure you knew he felt bad about you having to cover him in the first place.

IMO, grown men don't allow themselves to be covered financially by their SO. It might sound like a double-standard, but oh well...

 

[tenjoy]

I don't see how she is cold. He plucked up his own trip by not saving. Sorry, if it's not serious to him, then why should she care?

On the $ issue, flaring red flag with amber strobe lights along the piping.

 

[Dposh167]

Okay I GET it. I realized you feel like you were taken advantage of. Who knows...maybe there's other instances where he has left you ponying up all the money and this the final straw.

^^^^ THIS is pretty much it. The Caribbean trip was the first big straw. And now this bday trip is the last one. true 160 bucks isn't a lot to get angry about. But when you had since Nov. of 2009 to come up with the money?perplexed. And it was his idea to go the caribbean in the first place.erplexed . And now its mid august 2010 and i still don't have the rest of his half.
I can't do it. I would give him a break if i knew he was struggling right now financially but he's not. soooo yea



Thanks everyone for your input. I pretty much knew my stance on this matter. I really believe that this is something that can happen again. I've nagged him for a while about learning how to save his money for things he wants to do. And he just doesn't get it. He thinks he's gonna have me as his parachute and its not gonna happen.
As cold as it is, I truly feel i have to nip this in the butt right now to show him that i mean business. Cuz obviously it hasn't clicked for him yet

 

[Bunny77]

I can definitely see red flags all over the place here... I'd be still steaming about my $160.

I'm confused though about the trip thing... did you ever say that you wouldn't be going on another trip with him for his birthday but then suggest that you two just do something at home? I don't see why a trip had to even be in play really.

As for the trip with the girls, to me, it's really telling that you originally planned to take a trip with them on your boyfriend's birthday. I couldn't see myself doing that, UNLESS (as other posters said), you really aren't all that into him anymore... which makes me ask why you're still in this relationship...

 

[butter_pecan]

You know what, I don't think you were in the wrong. I'm sorry but you are an adult, if you knew you wanted this trip you should've planned accordingly. I do not play when it comes to my money. After that first fiasco, I may have cut him loose. This should be a lesson and he should learn to put on his big boy drawers. I'm not going to put my life and plans on hold because you can't get it together- your arse would be left like Jeff. Perhaps you could make plans the week before with him

Thanks! I had a terrible day

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^^^ THIS is pretty much it. The Caribbean trip was the first big straw. And now this bday trip is the last one. true 160 bucks isn't a lot to get angry about. But when you had since Nov. of 2009 to come up with the money?perplexed. And it was his idea to go the caribbean in the first place.erplexed . And now its mid august 2010 and i still don't have the rest of his half.
I can't do it. I would give him a break if i knew he was struggling right now financially but he's not. soooo yea



Thanks everyone for your input. I pretty much knew my stance on this matter. I really believe that this is something that can happen again. I've nagged him for a while about learning how to save his money for things he wants to do. And he just doesn't get it. He thinks he's gonna have me as his parachute and its not gonna happen.
As cold as it is, I truly feel i have to nip this in the butt right now to show him that i mean business. Cuz obviously it hasn't clicked for him yet

You said a mouthful in the bolded. I kinda KNEW something like this was probably up. Not that $160 is nothing (especially in this economy), but it's not everything. So I knew there had to be a bunch of things (even if they were tiny), instances where you're the mommy and he's the child and you just clean up his messes. So that basically you had it and you did this as a final insult to really teach him a lesson. In my opinion, I'd say the lesson is already in canceling the trip. You can do something at home if you still want a relationship (at least if you want to be with him on his birthday). unless it really is over...in that case enjoy your trip with your friends on his birthday. It can be your "I'M FREE!" trip. I'm all for the I'm Free trip, but then I'd just break up with him and cut it clean, especially if I'm always the clean up crew (can't do it!)...

 

[Dposh167]

I can definitely see red flags all over the place here... I'd be still steaming about my $160.

I'm confused though about the trip thing... did you ever say that you wouldn't be going on another trip with him for his birthday but then suggest that you two just do something at home? I don't see why a trip had to even be in play really.

As for the trip with the girls, to me, it's really telling that you originally planned to take a trip with them on your boyfriend's birthday. I couldn't see myself doing that, UNLESS (as other posters said), you really aren't all that into him anymore... which makes me ask why you're still in this relationship...

Let me add, that me and my SO are long distance. So everything we do together is pre-planned including just seeing each other for the weekend.
The trip isn't an out of the country type of trip. Originally my friends wanted to take a road trip to another state. I told them I would have to see what my SO wanted to do since his bday was that same weekend. SO, wanted to go to Disney (FL) for his bday. So i said okay. Fast forward to now, he never saved any money for it. We've already planned to see each other the weekend before his bday. So i told him we could celebrate it then. I wasn't the one who decided FIRST to go on a trip with the girls on his bday

 

[Dposh167]

unless it really is over...in that case enjoy your trip with your friends on his birthday. It can be your "I'M FREE!" trip. I'm all for the I'm Free trip, but then I'd just break up with him and cut it clean, especially if I'm always the clean up crew (can't do it!)...

We're not on the verge of breaking up at all. His money management issues are really the BIG thing that he needs to focus on. Its not something i'm gonna leave him for lol. If we were married, and sharing money, then it would be a whole notha issue. But this is something he can grow from, he just has to acknowledge his problem and apply

 

[Shinka]

^^^^ Most people divorce over finances. So you probably should see it as a red flag especially if he's not making it a priority to work on it. What happens when you two are ready to live together or buy a home...are you going to take over the responsibility of everything financial.

Not saying you have to break up with him, but you might want to put a mental time limit on how long you are going to deal with it if he doesn't show progress... if this is of those deal breaker issues.

 

[Dposh167]

^^^^ Most people divorce over finances. So you probably should see it as a red flag especially if he's not making it a priority to work on it. What happens when you two are ready to live together or buy a home...are you going to take over the responsibility of everything financial.

Not saying you have to break up with him, but you might want to put a mental time limit on how long you are going to deal with it if he doesn't show progress... if this is of those deal breaker issues.

yea i already stated that prior in the thread that i definitely have this written down as a red flag. I've already discussed this with him as well that it doesn't make him look too good as far as a future provider

 

[Kurlee]

i agree with cancelling your trip together, but ur dead wrong to leave him on his bday. if u really go on that trip, i don't see it playing out well

 

[changingSeasons]

OP more power to you. Too many women are quick to bend over for their man. Sometimes men dont get things, or dont believe how serious you are until you are Serious.

 

[caltron]

It sounds like you've got the situation under control. This relationship can work, but he has to be willing to let you take control of the finances--and you have to be comfortable with being in that role as well. Some people are better at handling money than others, so it will just depend on whether he's willing to follow your direction on this issue.

In my relationship, my dh is the financially responsible one. He makes the budgets and I comply with them.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Letting yourself owe me money is a big no.

Being irresponsible with money is a big no.

Sorry, saw that happen to a member of my family. He skips around spending money (professional salary by the way) on any and everything he wants (paying some bills sometimes, sometimes not) secure in the knowledge that wife will make sure there's food in the fridge and the heat stays on.

Um, nope.

I hate to be like "YEAH LEAVE HIM" but....

How old is this guy? Cause my relative got married and they were both in their early 20s. He never changed.

 

[ThickHair]

Letting yourself owe me money is a big no.

Being irresponsible with money is a big no.

Sorry, saw that happen to a member of my family. He skips around spending money (professional salary by the way) on any and everything he wants (paying some bills sometimes, sometimes not) secure in the knowledge that wife will make sure there's food in the fridge and the heat stays on.

Um, nope.

I hate to be like "YEAH LEAVE HIM" but....

.

Lived that life with my ex-husband. You will get tired covering for him.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I don't think you are wrong on anything you've done. If anything he's wrong for still owing you $160 from last year and sabotaging any chance of a trip you all had for this year.

 

[MD_Lady]

^^^^ Most people divorce over finances. So you probably should see it as a red flag especially if he's not making it a priority to work on it. What happens when you two are ready to live together or buy a home...are you going to take over the responsibility of everything financial...

THIS... Bad finances happen to good people, but resolving them MUST be a priority when poor spending/saving habits impact others.

 

[FlowerHair]

You know what. I don't think you did anything wrong and I'm so happy you stood your ground regarding those 160 dollars. That might not be much, but it speaks VOLUMES about his character to me.

It tells me he doesn't care about neither his or your finances and that he takes you for granted, at least a little bit.