My mistake as a single woman

[Perfexion]

I used to have a pretty fabulous single life. I had a network of friends that I saw on a regular basis, I went out to restaurants and lounges weekly, I was always meeting new people and I traveled as often as work permitted. I dated a lot but it was never anything serious, which was okay because it gave me ample time to focus on myself and my career. I had a few friends with benefits so I colored as often as I wanted to with no commitments. I don't know why, like so many other single women out there, I thought something was missing in my life. Last year I reconnected with my high school sweetheart, the man that I have literally been pining after for the past 15 years. We immediately picked up where we left off in high school, even though we are both divorced now. We moved in together after only a few months of dating, got pregnant then got married. It was this intense whirlwind love that only exists in romantic comedies. We bought a townhouse (well I bought a townhouse for us) and we now have a three month old daughter together. I should be happy but I'm not. I miss my single life. I rushed into a marriage because I had actually convinced myself that being single was the worst thing in the world. Maybe I watch too much Single Ladies/Sex and the City reruns or maybe I read too many romantic novels, but in my mind this was how my love life was supposed to play out. I did everything by the books; I didn't play any mind games, I was independent but I still made him feel like a king and I was the perfect *****/nice girl hybrid and it all worked beautifully! In my mind, all the failed relationships with all the losers and bums and all the one night stands were supposed to end with me reconnecting with my first love. I never stopped to think, "What happens after the happily ever after?" I just wanted to let the single women out there know that the grass is always greener on the other side. I thought being single was bad because I was lonely without a man. I'm even lonelier now as a married woman because I miss my carefree single girl life. And don't get me wrong, I'm very much in love with my husband. I just loved him more when he was my boyfriend and I could leave him for the weekend and jet off to Vegas with my girlfriends, if that makes sense. Am I the only married woman who feels this way?

 

[january noir]

Am I the only married woman who feels this way?

I'm pretty sure you're not.

 

[hopeful]

But you weren't happy before. You were lonely and thought something was missing. I think the main lesson is that you can't have everything. I tell people all the time that marriage is boring and wonderful. The thing is I like boring. I equate boring with stability, sameness, bills being paid, etc. Some women need lots of excitement and freedom, but at the same time want to be married, have children, purchase a home, etc. You really do have it all, well the most one can expect. You have to make peace with the fact the you can't have it all, and be real about what you want most and what you are willing to give up, because one way or the other, you will have to give up something, so you might as well choose instead of letting life or someone else choose for you.

 

[metro_qt]

You're writing this because you're missing something... If he's the love of your life, is he also your best friend? If he is, why don't the two of you just spontaneously jet off to Vegas together?

 

[Middle]

I don't get why you still can't jetset off to Vegas with the gfs. Are you not allowed to do that when you're married? I mean for sure, you can't buy a hooker while you're out there but it could still be fun.

 

[Nayna]

Life doesn't end after marriage. Why can't you still travel and hang with ur friends? Maybe you can't do it as often but you can still live your fabulous life.

 

[JFemme]

I think shes just venting, having aferthoughts, a -ha's bout life choices, as we all do from time to time.. Especially surrounding the big life transitions such as marriage.

 

[Perfexion]

I can't go to Vegas without my husband. For one, he's never been so I'm sure he wants to go. Second, he will give me the third degree when I get back because he thinks if a married woman hangs with single women they are going to convince her to cheat. Plus we have a baby now so my jet setting days are over.

 

[Raspberry]

But you weren't happy before. You were lonely and thought something was missing. I think the main lesson is that you can't have everything. I tell people all the time that marriage is boring and wonderful. The thing is I like boring. I equate boring with stability, sameness, bills being paid, etc. Some women need lots of excitement and freedom, but at the same time want to be married, have children, purchase a home, etc. You really do have it all, well the most one can expect. You have to make peace with the fact the you can't have it all, and be real about what you want most and what you are willing to give up, because one way or the other, you will have to give up something, so you might as well choose instead of letting life or someone else choose for you.

Wise words hopeful! So many people would be happier with their lives if they could make peace with what you're saying.

There is a time and season for everything. And like Oprah says, you can have it all, just not all at the same time. Sacrifice and compromise are an intrinsic part of living a mature life.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

I see plenty of women jetsetting "postbaby". Sure, it takes a little juggling and some time management skills, but its definitely doable. and you've only got one baby right now. that's a major score for childcare purposes.

 

[BostonMaria]

I think you're lonely and are remembering only the happy side single life. My single life was lots of fun too. By the time I married DH at 33 yrs old I was a happy woman with lots of friends. Eight years later I have my days when I feel lonely, but I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Maybe you feel this way because you had a baby right away and didn't get to enjoy the honeymoon stage. I don't know you so I can't really say.

I go out with my friends once in a while. Being around them gives me a chance to breathe, but also reminds me that single life isn't all roses. My friends are in their 40's and not really looking for partners, but I am sure they want some stability in their life. I hope they do find that special someone.

Sent from my iPhone 10 using LHCF

 

[MizAvalon]

Your jetsetting days are not over! They may temporarily be on hold because you have a baby but as soon as your baby is old enough, pack up your baby(and your husband too if he wants to go) and roll!

My parents never let a little thing like having kids get in the way of their travel plans, lol. And you only have ONE at that? Once you start doing it again, you'll see how easy it can be.

 

[LoveisYou]

OP it sounds like a case if the grass is greener. You thought t was greener on the married side when you were single and now that you're married you think it's greener when you're single. I agree with your message to single women about enjoying their lives, but I think the message is applicable to you as a married woman- enjoy your life.

All of us can enjoy life in all of its stages. Try looking at the bright side and appreciate what you have....whether you're single or married.

 

[JessieLeleB]

Maybe this thread is for somebody like me, I'm 25 and enjoy being single but at the same time I really want to be married and feel like I'm missing something cuz I'm not married. But the thing is that I have to be COMPLETE with yourself, if you feel like your missing something doesn't matter if you have one or the other then you won't be completely happy. You will always be chasing a dream.... I struggle with this everyday so thanks for the thread!

 

[BostonMaria]

Maybe this thread is for somebody like me, I'm 25 and enjoy being single but at the same time I really want to be married and feel like I'm missing something cuz I'm not married. But the thing is that I have to be COMPLETE with yourself, if you feel like your missing something doesn't matter if you have one or the other then you won't be completely happy. You will always be chasing a dream.... I struggle with this everyday so thanks for the thread!

Enjoy your life! You're very young. I'm sure you will meet a good man and get married.

Sent from my iPhone 10 using LHCF

 

[Perfexion]

I agree with you ladies. I just wish I had enjoyed my single life more instead of spending half of that time looking for a man. Being single wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I'm glad you wrote this op really.I'm on the single side wanting in the married side because I will be 27 in 10 days. I want to be able to say I had fun and did people and other things like I wanted to. Your married to your high school sweetheart and you have a beauitful baby girl. It will take some getting use to but enjoy it I wish I could trade life with you for a week.

 

[BonBon]

I don't think it's necessarily about being single.

Some married couples are fine with letting each other having their own time, hobbies and holidays now and again. I've seen a few in the travel forum and I hope to be like them one day lol.

If you have a partner who wants to be with you all the time and will be suspicious if you go on a lil trip with girls IDK. I can see why you feel hemmed in. Maybe you could talk to him about it.

 

[JessieLeleB]

Enjoy your life! You're very young. I'm sure you will meet a good man and get married.

Sent from my iPhone 10 using LHCF

Thanks! Some how I feel like I'm missing life cuz people around me are getting married and having kids and I'm turning 26 in 2 days!! But I hear from so many mature older people to enjoy single life while I can, but my heart dreams of marriage. But I must be happy with myself before I can be happy in marriage. Ugh my life lol

 

[zora]

I agree with you ladies. I just wish I had enjoyed my single life more instead of spending half of that time looking for a man. Being single wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.

I can definitely relate.

 

[DarkJoy]

Interesting, OP. I was with my ex husband since HS and NEVER thought the grass was greener in single life, was actually afraid of it---until our separation 20 years later. And oddly, besides being frustrated with dating? I'm finding it IS greener

But this is coming from a woman who's never been single before until the last 2 years. Finally not ahving to consult someone about every aspect of life from what to eat for dinner to where where should we start a retirement fund. EVERYTHING was negotiated. UGH! Now I'm freeeeee! Though I don't have a huge network of friends, I'm enjoying it.

The hardest adjustment in marriage was after birth. We had DD after having been together 16 years. I was 33 and it was massive--I often think that having a child older makes that adjustment time harder! With the hormones and a little PPD magnifying everything it felt like I was in jail and there was no way out. When the post pardum went away, those feelings vanished as well.

Perhaps some of your issues are the adjustment to motherhood AND wifey-hood. I can't imagine having to adjust to both at one time. As time marches on, you will surely find your footing and your way. Give yourself and new family time.

Oh--and when baby is young is the BEST time to travel--they cant run off and sleep whenever! And they fly free! lol. Don't wait until the baby is bet 1-3. It's a nightmare to travel with busy toddlers and managing their fits, naptimes, snack and mealtimes, etc... the best time is when they are still in arms.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Why can't you still jet off to Vegas?


Sorry didn't see that your husband would want to go. It's very important that you try to maintain a network of gfs you can do fun stuff with without traveling, or just get go out and have a drink by yourself sometimes. I'd say just ease into doing things for yourself by yourself. I'm married and I've really learned to enjoy myself by myself doing small things.

My worst nightmare used to be eating out alone. Now I savor it.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

The baby is still very young. Once she gets a little older and you settle into your new role as mom you may find more opportunities to do some exciting things. You may not now feel comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter, hubby or family member, so you may feel a little caged, but it gets better.

As for your hubby: were you pining for his high school-self, or were you pining for the man that he is today? If you married him thinking you were getting the effervescent teenage stud wrapped in his older package, then it will take a bit more time to come to terms with who he has matured to be.

All in all, I think you need to open up to him about your feelings. You two can still do wonderfully exciting things as a married couple with child (every now and then).

 

[january noir]

I agree with you ladies. I just wish I had enjoyed my single life more instead of spending half of that time looking for a man. Being single wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.

You are so right. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

When I lurk in the Relationship threads, most of the time I just shake my head at what I'm reading. I feel so bad that some people want relationships so desperately.

Some, no most, posters don't know how good they got it being single or unattached. Most are so young and life for them is just getting started and they have so much living to do.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I feel sad for you OP. But it seems to me that maybe you chose the wrong partner? Or like someone else suggested you started a family too soon after marriage?

I am one of those single girls who wants a relationship. For me relationship is about companionship both personally and sexually. It would be one thing if I were single with some extended relationships. But never having male companionship is NOT FUN.

 

[TayMac]

I think the mix of marriage and young baby so soon has you overwhelmed. Having a child is a huuuge adjustment and at 3 months they are kinda the captains of the ship so to speak.

Once you adjust to the new normal you can make some time for yourself to be out and enjoy life not as a single woman but still having fun.

 

[Perfexion]

As for your hubby: were you pining for his high school-self, or were you pining for the man that he is today? If you married him thinking you were getting the effervescent teenage stud wrapped in his older package, then it will take a bit more time to come to terms with who he has matured to be.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I think I idealized who he was in high school, not taking into consideration that he's older (although not necessarily more mature).

 

[justruth]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I think I idealized who he was in high school, not taking into consideration that he's older (although not necessarily more mature).

Wow, this is a lot and I certainly understand as well. I did entertain a first love relationship some years ago and it was quite difficult to dismiss the 20 year old "boy" I once knew and infuse him into late 30's "man" I was now dealing with. It's almost like you have to do away with the person from years ago, because that's not likely who you have standing before right now. May be familiar, but not the same in any stretch of the imagination.

 

[hopeful]

I also noticed you said, "(well I bought a townhouse for us)." Sounds like he may not be the provider you hoped for either. I had a friend who did this. She was so desperate to no longer be single, she married the first guy who asked. She hated being single and didn't want to hear about how blessed she was and to be careful about who she married. She married him and has been miserable every since. What women fail to understand is that the happily married women they see are not really happy because they are married but because of who they married. Marrying the right guy makes all the difference. Otherwise, it's really best to stay single.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

This is interesting. I'm about to turn 25 (GoddessMaker and I have the same birthday) and I'm ready to get some real relationship experience in preparation to be married. I'm ready to find that person I'd want to to jet set the world with.

hopeful IA with your post, especially the end.